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Polygraph-just scheduled and filled with anxiety

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mainlyinpain posted 7/3/2013 11:57 AM

I just scheduled his polygraph, finally got a go ahead from him and a date to do it. The person on the phone was abrupt and abrasive and rushed and made me feel like I was trouble or something...weird, not at all comforting. So I am now filled with anxiety at the process. It will be Friday at 4:45 and I can only ask four questions. I tried to ask if I could supply two alternate last questions depending on the results of the first question and he was so abrupt with his answer launching into laws and codes when all I wanted was a yes or no. Now I have to pick four questions. Three will be about timelines and if sex occurred during them, the last one will be either do you love her, or another fear I have, with not unfounded reason...did you ever plan to leave her money upon your death. Which is more important to me?..does he love her or this financial question. The financial one is very scary as it would effect both me and my son.
I do know that once it is over I will feel like I have something that I know for sure and will have something to stand on, to build on. Or not.

lieshurt posted 7/3/2013 11:59 AM

I would find a different place to have it done. You need to feel comfortable with the person doing this. If not, I believe you'll doubt the accuracy of the results.

Tred posted 7/3/2013 12:27 PM

I agree with lies hurt - you should be more comfortable with the polygrapher. I also would avoid emotional questions such as "did you love her". It's subjective - thank of questions that are more "yes" or "no". A good example is "have you ever jumped out of a moving airplane". Good luck.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/3/2013 12:31 PM

IS there more than one option with regard to polygraph offices in your area?

This guy sounds like a buttmunch and his abrupt, cold manner wouldn't instill a feeling of comfort in ANYONE.

Either he's the only game in town so he figures he can act any way he wants, or he's badly in need of a sensitivity gene and will eventually go out of business.

I'd opt for any alternate that's available.

atsenaotie posted 7/3/2013 13:20 PM

agree to change if you can. you need to trust their results, and it is very subjective. they should be helping you with the questions

doesitgetbetter posted 7/3/2013 13:29 PM

I don't think you can ask feelings questions on a poly and get a true result. So you might want to scratch the "do you love her" question.

Blameitontherain posted 7/3/2013 13:46 PM

You are paying for a service and only get 4 questions? I get that we bs have a million questions but only 4??? That coupled with the attitude you are getting over the phone would make me find another place even if it was five hour drive.

catlover50 posted 7/3/2013 13:55 PM

Our polygrapher helped me with the questions and emotion ones were no good. Even my H said that although he was sure he didn't love her he was afraid something on some level would trip him up.

Instead I asked if he ever told her he would leave me.

Eta--four questions isn't unusual.
Also I asked if he ever had sexual relations with any woman I was unaware of. I have been glad for that question. Sexual relations includes kissing.

It is nerve wracking. Ours was not warm and fuzzy at all, but he was professional. That's what matters. Super glad he did it. Good luck! And you may not get results right away. We had to wait 24 (long) hours.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 1:56 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

still2suspicious posted 7/3/2013 18:32 PM

Good for you for scheduling it.

I wish I had known about SI when I JFO. I would have done it in a heart beat.

I have learned that only a few questions is the norm. And phrase them to be "yes" or "no". Keep the emotion out of it. You get better results.

I agree, if you can, ditch the guy. At least some one with a heartbeat!

Sending good thoughts for you.

mainlyinpain posted 7/5/2013 10:12 AM

I am so nervous about this poly this afternoon. Have to use three questions about timelines and when sex occurred as he had three Ddays with her. My last question will be if he ever told he he was separating, divorcing, or living apart from me as she has told people this and he denies it. Hope this won't be so horrible and humiliating. He wants to go alone but I want to go as they give results right after.
He keeps assuring me that all these answers will be no.

lostworld posted 7/5/2013 11:03 AM

We also used a polygraph. I had 8 questions, and as others have stated, emotional questions or questions about "plans" were not the best. The examiner helped me toss out a few questions and helped me come up with a few that I am glad I asked. One such question was "Have you had any form of contact w/ the MOW since (insert date)?"

I went with my H. The examiner read through my questions, made suggestions to me, explained exactly how the exam would proceed, then he read the questions aloud to my H, then attached the machine and I left the room as the questions were asked again--this first run through the questions was to help reduce anxiety so as to try and get a more valid response; it doesn't help your spouse "lie" effectively. The questions were asked in the exact order and wording we had agreed upon, and I was then brought back into the room and the results were given. I chose to leave the room for the exam because I felt very uncomfortable. I had no reason to feel odd, but surprisingly, I felt embarrassed and even somewhat humiliated during the process. I was disgusted that we were at this point and place, and it felt embarrassing to have to resort to inviting a stranger into the dirty details of my marriage. HOWEVER, I am very very glad we had the poly done, and would do it exactly the same if I had it to do all over again. It was not a silver bullet, but it was so helpful in the early days of trying to get in a position to start rebuilding trust. Good luck.

mainlyinpain posted 7/5/2013 15:15 PM

He just came in and provoked a fight with me asking if we can go to "that thing" later tonight. I didn't know what he was talking about and he got in a huff and said, yes you do that car show. I said I didn't remember about the car show, there is something else we have to get through first and I cant plan what is happening after that. He got huffy and I walked away. He followed and said that I said something about not ....I don't even know what and it was a blatant lie....I didn't say it at all....I called him on it being a lie and he says, well you acted like you thought that!!! WTF how does someone act like something being thought. Then he starts to get all in my face about how he knows he is going to pass all these questions and I feel like a defense of the exam being wrong is being set up.
God get me through today.

mainlyinpain posted 7/5/2013 20:07 PM

He failed the poly. There were four questions and the examiner said he was off the charts for one of the questions and he therefore had to say he failed the test and could not give an opinion on the other three questions just that he was off the charts for one of them. He was off the charts for have you had contact between 2004 and 2011. He raged that the test was wrong, raged that he passed the other three questions. I said that is like asking someone did you kill those four people and the answer being that you didn't kill three of them.
The examiner could not give me veracity as to the other three but it seemed as if the chart showed only a spike equivalent to a test question so I feel pretty sure about them. But the off the charts one was a big one, the one that would show there was a period in the last fifteen years where there wasn't contact. He only passed the nc from 11/2011 to 2/2013, so I am only sure of one year in the past fifteen.
He also didn't seem to really pay attention to the dates on the other questions, still can't tell me the dates of the questions he answered.
What do I do now? Before this test we had agreed that he would take more tests as this one only covered four. Now he is raging that he will never take another one, that it was too stressful for him and that it showed that he was lying when he wasn't.
I want him to take a test breaking down that seven year time period to see if there was ever even one year that he did not have contact. It this pitiful? The thing is that there is a big difference between contact in one year and in seven continuos years as I now have to think may have been the case. This is just too much work and pain and he comes up with nothing for me except raging that the test was wrong and awful for him and he will never do again. Is this my Waterloo? Do I throw he out now? The tests did seem to show that there has been no sex since 2004. But an EA for fifteen years is not acceptable either, and what is really not acceptable is not owning the truth. Also not any empathy for me and the pain this caused me.

hobbeskat posted 7/5/2013 21:14 PM


confused615 posted 7/6/2013 05:07 AM

Im so sorry.

WH has recently refused(again) to take a poly..I know it's because he is lying..but he has said it's because if he passes,I'll say he tricked it,if he fails,he'll "never hear the end of it."

He's lying. what do you do? Well,you said the two of you had an agreement..that he would take more tests after this one. And now he wants to back out of that,because the test didn't go his way. It didn't go his way because he lied..Im guessing he agreed to take more tests but knew he was lying,of course,and this "rage" you're seeing from him has been planned in advanced.

Interesting that the test is shit..but he brought up the fact that he *passed* 3 other questions. If he wants credit for passing those questions,he has to take responsibility for failing that one question.

He didn't pay attention to the dates in the questions?? Why not? It was a polygraph he agreed to to set your mind at "ease" and help you to trust him again. Shouldn't he have been paying SUPER close attention to EVERY word in those FOUR little questions?

He's making excuses.

You knew it when he started that fight felt it. You were right.

Trust YOU..not him.

And he is angry at you? And is having a temper tantrum saying he will never take another test...and talking about how hard this is for HIM??

Holy Hell.

Selfishness,lying,blaming,raging,gaslighting,avoidance,all of this are wayward traits, and he is showing them to you in spades.

Im going to tell you something that I recently figured out. My husband is a liar. He is still lying to me today. He never stopped lying to me. I have a million questions I NEED an answer to. I will have to find those answers within myself. Im not stupid. Common sense tells me A,B,and C. I don't need to ask him one damn thing. He is a liar. WHY would I believe the word of a liar? I trust ME a helluva lot more than I trust him.

You can not R with a man like me..Im 3 years out and can tell you this with absolute clarity. Trying to R with a man who is lying an gaslighting you will cause you more pain,and cause you to feel like you are losing your mind.

180. Bitch boots. Hold him to that agreement. And if he refuses,you need to decide if you're willing to compromise what you know you NEED to stay in this marriage for a man who is being a selfish,unremorseful,poor-me WS.


[This message edited by confused615 at 5:09 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

catlover50 posted 7/6/2013 05:08 AM

So sorry honey.

FWIW-- my H is sitting next to me and said that he agrees that taking a poly is tough, but from his experience he thinks that off the charts means your H is lying.

His behavior before and after suggests it too.

Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you. I can imagine your pain and anguish.

sisoon posted 7/6/2013 08:46 AM

IMO, the most likely conclusion is that your H figured he could fool the test, so he agreed to go through with it. It turned out he couldn't, and he chose the 'deny forever' defense.

Unless he stops lying, the only R I can see is Rugsweeping.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I even have some sympathy for your H - a life of lying about fidelity is hardly worth living.

mainlyinpain posted 7/6/2013 09:23 AM

I am so sad this morning. I feel like I have no more strength. We were supposed to put off talking til 10:00 last night, as we were both so wound up, and he went off to the HOme Depot. TMI here so...When he left I realized that at the beginning of the results the examiner also told me the results of a question he threw in there, he had asked it in the preliminary too it was have you recently masturbated to thoughts of women other than your wife and he failed that. The examiner had said they ask this question of sex offender and such like child molesters because what someone masturbates to is a good indication of what they are doing or will do next in real life. Then he told me how he was off the charts on my question of contact with OW from 2004 til 2011 and I forgot that initial bit of info. When he was coming back from store I called him and said I had just remembered this info, what does that mean. I mean I was really hurt...recently? And he of course stated that he hadn't done that, test was wrong, we have great sex, why would he be doing that, where would he do that,examiner was a jerk, ex-military guy, blah blah bla....In a frenzied, state. He is a pathological liar so I can never believe anything he says and I get scared and so anxious when he tries to bully me into believing something with his swearing and stomping around and talking over me.I just said, oh go be with your friend, your hand.
We were supposed to go out to see that car show for about five minutes and then dinner with DS but since I wasn't buying his BS he stomped off and said I'm going by myself to that car show and you go to dinner with DS, didn't ask me if that was ok just roared off. I didn't want to be left explaining this to DS so I took my own car and followed right behind him, thought he knew that. DS was calling asking where we were, he was ready to go? I called WH and said, YOu asked DS to go to Car show and dinner, he is waiting for you, go back and pick him up, I am right behind you. He gets to house first and leaves with DS, leaving me at home. I call DS and say I am outside did dad get home yet. He tells me they are gone already. WTF. How hurtful. He then started shunning me.

Oh the pain this causes me. And he knows it.

Didn't come to me for agreed 10:00 talk. Picked up dinner and ate by himself. Talked to son, not me. Walks right by me. I locked bedroom door while in the shower as I wanted to know he wasn't there when I came out, but he had jiggled door open and was in bed already. I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep on my side. Woke up and he is already outside working on yard to avoid me. I know this is in store for me for the rest of the day, the shunning. How long will this episode last? We have talked about this so many times, and him with his psychiatrist, that he should not use this coping skill to deal with problems. That it is abuse. The problem is in this and other arguments he can't handle me having a side, he can rage his information and then when I reply or want to be angry and say stuff he doesn't like it, he won't listen, talks over me again and walks away, saying OH you just want to get into an argument. WTF it turns into an argument when I talk. He can have a soliloquy and I either agree with him or shut up or else I am just wanting to argue.

At one point he kept raging, well, you got what you want now, you got what you want now, are you happy?, meaning the info about his lying. Raging this at me. Blaming me for getting the info? LIke I should have let sleeping dogs lie and life would be fine. I guess that is his life, keep lies hidden and all is fine.

Well, I have rambled enough. Thank you guys so much for all your replies. It is the only thing keeping me sane right now.

Bitch boots, huh?

I'll go look in my closet.

Edith posted 7/6/2013 10:10 AM

Oh dear MIP, I just wanted to give you a hug. (((mainlyinpain))).

Did you determine ahead of the poly what the consequences would be for a failed test?

I'm so sorry, but it sounds to me like you have very little help from him in terms of R. Take good care of yourself, my dear.


confused615 posted 7/6/2013 10:11 AM

He is punishing you. You have a need to know what has happened in your marriage and he is punishing you for it.

My WH is doing the same thing today. He told me last night that he LIED to me last January..there never was an OM1,that he made it up because I wouldn't stop begging him to tell me what else there was that I didn't know..he made it up..and it's MY fault because HE couldnt take it anymore.

And,today,I am being punished because I can't trust him.

Your WH is treating you horribly. It's cruel. He is being cruel to you.

Seriously?? "well, you got what you want now, you got what you want now, are you happy?"??????

Im willing to bet there is NO part of you that is happy.


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