If you want them to quit stabbing you in the back, then you need to quit handing them the knife.
This guy sounds like a buttmunch and his abrupt, cold manner wouldn't instill a feeling of comfort in ANYONE.
Either he's the only game in town so he figures he can act any way he wants, or he's badly in need of a sensitivity gene and will eventually go out of business.
I'd opt for any alternate that's available.
Instead I asked if he ever told her he would leave me.
Eta--four questions isn't unusual.
Also I asked if he ever had sexual relations with any woman I was unaware of. I have been glad for that question. Sexual relations includes kissing.
It is nerve wracking. Ours was not warm and fuzzy at all, but he was professional. That's what matters. Super glad he did it. Good luck! And you may not get results right away. We had to wait 24 (long) hours.
[This message edited by catlover50 at 1:56 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
I wish I had known about SI when I JFO. I would have done it in a heart beat.
I have learned that only a few questions is the norm. And phrase them to be "yes" or "no". Keep the emotion out of it. You get better results.
I agree, if you can, ditch the guy. At least some one with a heartbeat!
Sending good thoughts for you.
I went with my H. The examiner read through my questions, made suggestions to me, explained exactly how the exam would proceed, then he read the questions aloud to my H, then attached the machine and I left the room as the questions were asked again--this first run through the questions was to help reduce anxiety so as to try and get a more valid response; it doesn't help your spouse "lie" effectively. The questions were asked in the exact order and wording we had agreed upon, and I was then brought back into the room and the results were given. I chose to leave the room for the exam because I felt very uncomfortable. I had no reason to feel odd, but surprisingly, I felt embarrassed and even somewhat humiliated during the process. I was disgusted that we were at this point and place, and it felt embarrassing to have to resort to inviting a stranger into the dirty details of my marriage. HOWEVER, I am very very glad we had the poly done, and would do it exactly the same if I had it to do all over again. It was not a silver bullet, but it was so helpful in the early days of trying to get in a position to start rebuilding trust. Good luck.
WH has recently refused(again) to take a poly..I know it's because he is lying..but he has said it's because if he passes,I'll say he tricked it,if he fails,he'll "never hear the end of it."
So..now what do you do? Well,you said the two of you had an agreement..that he would take more tests after this one. And now he wants to back out of that,because the test didn't go his way. It didn't go his way because he lied..Im guessing he agreed to take more tests but knew he was lying,of course,and this "rage" you're seeing from him has been planned in advanced.
Interesting that the test is shit..but he brought up the fact that he *passed* 3 other questions. So..um..what? If he wants credit for passing those questions,he has to take responsibility for failing that one question.
He didn't pay attention to the dates in the questions?? Why not? It was a polygraph he agreed to to set your mind at "ease" and help you to trust him again. Shouldn't he have been paying SUPER close attention to EVERY word in those FOUR little questions?
He's making excuses.
You knew it when he started that fight earlier..you felt it. You were right.
Trust YOU..not him.
And he is angry at you? And is having a temper tantrum saying he will never take another test...and talking about how hard this is for HIM??
Selfishness,lying,blaming,raging,gaslighting,avoidance,all of this are wayward traits, and he is showing them to you in spades.
Im going to tell you something that I recently figured out. My husband is a liar. He is still lying to me today. He never stopped lying to me. I have a million questions I NEED an answer to. I will have to find those answers within myself. Im not stupid. Common sense tells me A,B,and C. I don't need to ask him one damn thing. He is a liar. WHY would I believe the word of a liar? I trust ME a helluva lot more than I trust him.
You can not R with a man like this..trust me..Im 3 years out and can tell you this with absolute clarity. Trying to R with a man who is lying an gaslighting you will cause you more pain,and cause you to feel like you are losing your mind.
180. Bitch boots. Hold him to that agreement. And if he refuses,you need to decide if you're willing to compromise what you know you NEED to stay in this marriage for a man who is being a selfish,unremorseful,poor-me WS.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:09 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
FWIW-- my H is sitting next to me and said that he agrees that taking a poly is tough, but from his experience he thinks that off the charts means your H is lying.
His behavior before and after suggests it too.
Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you. I can imagine your pain and anguish.
Unless he stops lying, the only R I can see is Rugsweeping.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I even have some sympathy for your H - a life of lying about fidelity is hardly worth living.
Oh the pain this causes me. And he knows it.
Didn't come to me for agreed 10:00 talk. Picked up dinner and ate by himself. Talked to son, not me. Walks right by me. I locked bedroom door while in the shower as I wanted to know he wasn't there when I came out, but he had jiggled door open and was in bed already. I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep on my side. Woke up and he is already outside working on yard to avoid me. I know this is in store for me for the rest of the day, the shunning. How long will this episode last? We have talked about this so many times, and him with his psychiatrist, that he should not use this coping skill to deal with problems. That it is abuse. The problem is in this and other arguments he can't handle me having a side, he can rage his information and then when I reply or want to be angry and say stuff he doesn't like it, he won't listen, talks over me again and walks away, saying OH you just want to get into an argument. WTF it turns into an argument when I talk. He can have a soliloquy and I either agree with him or shut up or else I am just wanting to argue.
At one point he kept raging, well, you got what you want now, you got what you want now, are you happy?, meaning the info about his lying. Raging this at me. Blaming me for getting the info? LIke I should have let sleeping dogs lie and life would be fine. I guess that is his life, keep lies hidden and all is fine.
Well, I have rambled enough. Thank you guys so much for all your replies. It is the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Bitch boots, huh?
I'll go look in my closet.
Did you determine ahead of the poly what the consequences would be for a failed test?
I'm so sorry, but it sounds to me like you have very little help from him in terms of R. Take good care of yourself, my dear.
My WH is doing the same thing today. He told me last night that he LIED to me last January..there never was an OM1,that he made it up because I wouldn't stop begging him to tell me what else there was that I didn't know..he made it up..and it's MY fault because HE couldnt take it anymore.
And,today,I am being punished because I can't trust him.
Your WH is treating you horribly. It's cruel. He is being cruel to you.
Seriously?? "well, you got what you want now, you got what you want now, are you happy?"??????
Im willing to bet there is NO part of you that is happy.