Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.
Iíve decided to take myself on a retreat this weekend. My roomieís family is coming to town and seeing itís her place, I always vacate when that happens. Usually I crash with friends or family, but because itís the holiday weekend, I really didnít want to intrude on anyoneís plans so I decided to book a hotel room and do a little Ė no, a lot Ė of soul searching.
Itís one of those studio suites, so Iíll have a mini office area, a separate bedroom and a full kitchen in which I can just be A.L.O.N.E. and enjoy some $2.99 Chuck Shaw Pinot Grigrio courtesy of Trader Joeís, cook things Iíve been really Jonesing for lately and lie around in my skivvies if I want.
I am completely burned out. Iím in a job I absolutely hate working for people I completely distain. The search for something new has proven to be frustrating to say the least. My living situation, although certainly not bad by any stretch, has me yearning for my independence again. Iíve had a really rough time sleeping lately. My head just wonít stop working in overdrive and I find myself ruminating over everything Ė the A, my D, my work and living situations Ė to the point of self-nauseum. Yes, folks, if you make yourself sick by your own thoughts, itís probably time to decompress for a bit.
I realize part of my angst is because my group counseling program takes a summer break so lately Iíve had nowhere to vent my emotions and frustrations. Iím a huge Ted Talks fan and this morning revisited Brenť Brownís talk on vulnerability. We cover vulnerability and shame a lot in our group so Iím going to bring along my group materials and try to get myself back on point. I have five sheets of flip chart sticky paper, a bunch of colored markers and with the help of my journals, plan to lay out my life in front of me, both in the hopes that Iíll realize it isnít quite as bad as I think and to focus on my future a bit better and more succinctly.
This is a tough time of year for me as my engagement and wedding dates to my X eerily mirror almost to the exact dates the beginning of his A, my D-day, false Rís and other shatterings of my life. Triggers abound and I barely muddle through spring through fall, and frankly, Iím sick of living this way. As part of my fitness plan, I ride my bicycle through some awesome country trails near my storage unit where I keep it (storage units Ė a.k.a. ďThe Divorced Personís Gated CommunityĒ) which is a great thing, I know. The bad thing is I have to literally see my life stacked in a 10í x 20í space and ruminate some more about how I canít touch ďmyĒ things on a daily basis every single time I go there to get my bike. See how deep this crap can go? Ridiculous, isnít it?
Iím going to cap the weekend off by going to see the Eagles in concert Sunday night with some girlfriends and by the time I hear the opening cords of ďDesperadoĒ, I hope to have some peace back in this insane post-infidelity life of mine.
Cheers yíall. Hope you all have a safe and happy holiday weekend.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!