I cancelled my vacation AGAIN this year because I can't afford to go on vacation AND pay someone to caretake my mom. Update on that, my aunt and cousin have volunteered to drive out and stay for a few days so my daughters and I can get away. (Once more, God Bless Aunt L and Cousin D!) We will be going to see my dad and taking time to stop and visit sights along the way. Not the vacation that we had planned, but you take what you can get. Family helping family. What a novel-fucking idea that my dear sister and her fat ass POS husband don't subscribe to. (My aunt and cousin live 8 hours away, my sister lives 20 minutes away...)
After boo-hooing on FB that she 'couldn't afford to come to the family reunion' (where she had a free place to stay and could have brought her dogs), my sister then posts about going to her fat-ass-POS H's family reunion (where they had to pay for lodging and board their dogs to boot).
And, even though Sis and POSH 'can't afford' to be around her blood relatives, they are planning yet more vacations later in the summer and in the fall, after already having been to Disney World this past spring.
Oh, I forgot, they have a life...
To add insult to injury, since Sis is 'the favored child', years before her strokes, my mom made Sis Power of Attorney, Will Executor, etc. I have to live my life in accordance with Sis' whims.
In all fairness, my sister does make the twenty minute trek once or twice a month to spend 30 minutes or so with my mom, and so mom can visit with her youngest grandchild. And, so they can regale us with all the tales of their wonderful life, vacations, outings, etc.
I am not a good person. I hate that I am chained to my mom, yet again. I hate that my children are sacrificing their own lives to help me. I hate that my sister is such a flaming asswipe. I just hate my life in general.
In hindsight, infidelity was a breeze.
ETA: and I hate that I have to come back to SI to vent because I have nowhere else to go.
[This message edited by PiQue at 12:31 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
My mother and I took care of my paternal grandmother until she passed. It was a lot of work but she wanted to be with us, not in a nursing home. Also, my mother and I are both healthcare providers specifically for the elderly.
Are there government funded respite services you can access?
Also you are a good person. Trust me you are!!! Taking care of others is exhausting. It's not wrong to want a break.
Hugs again :)
Respite care is an absolute must for anyone being a full time caregiver. Your sister needs to step up. Do a search for Home Care Services in your area, and Elderlaw experts, and have them evaluate your situation. Believe it or not a lot of folks out there have life insurance plans that will pay for extra help.
DO NOT BEAT UP ON YOURSELF....You are a great person. Your sister is gonna get whacked by the Karma bus, you can't put that kind of thing on a sibling and expect to just reap the rewards.
Sweetie, IMO, YOU are doing what is right. Fuck your sister.
I did the same thing for both my parents. Dad with cancer, Mom with Alzhiemers. I loved them both so so much, and I killed myself caring for them, but, like you, I did what I believe family should do for each other. Dad died within a year. Mom lasted about 3 yrs after Dad died.
I have a brother in the same city that was wonderful, but he could only do so much, but he did help tremendously. BUT I have a brother and SIL in Alabama that were WORTHLESS !!!!!!!! And what really killed me about it all, was that they are 'born again' Christians, spouting the 'word', but 'unable' to help care for Mom because Mom said weird things in front of their then 12 yr old precious daughter.
Well yes, Alzheimer's patients sometimes say weird things, but I can tell you this much, after about the first year of Mom saying weird things, my poor ole Mom did not say one more word until she died.
IMO, you teach your children that Granny or Grandpa have an illness that causes them to have strange behaviors, but we still love them and care for them!!!!!
One day I'll post the scathing letter I sent them
FUCK UM! FUCK THEM!!!!!
In your case, I would have your sister pay for some in home care so that you can get some respite.
Stay strong sweetie, you are doing the right thing, but you MUST have some help.
Trust me, after your Mom passes, and you look back on this time, you will be sooooo glad you did this for her.
She should be doing weekly visits AT A MINIMUM.
My mom went into assisted living after ten wonderful years of sharing a house with us.
I was the only sibling in town after the hip fracture and the elder siblings made sure to let me know about my "moral and ethical" duty to her while they visited once in a blue moon and whined about the cost.
I gave up the 50/50 POA arrangement to the eldest when she started dictating from afar. I let her have it and that pissed her off no end.
Be thankful you don't have POA, you can walk and she is legally obligated to arrange care for your mom.
I treasure the times we spent during our weekend outings. Sure she pissed me off sometimes when she would say inappropriate things to the store clerks and stuff, but looking back I would not have traded those times for anything.
Your load of total personal care is so much heavier, and you have every right to demand respite.
Find your bitch boots and wear them. Your sister needs a big cup of WAKE THE FUCK UP...
Yes; family should take care of family, and that's what you would be doing; it's not like you'd be looking to the state for her care.
If my mom needed as much care as yours apparently does, I'd put her in a facility. Does that make me a bad person?
And I've told my children to do the same for me. Why do parents want to be burdens to their children.
It sounds to me like you're doing way more than a saint would.
It opened up more time for us to just get her out of the room and into the car for outings and shopping and lunches, without having the burden of taking care of the rest of it 24/7.
She was in a safe place and people were watching over her.
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that you can't handle it. Your mom would understand and probably appreciate that if she had all her faculties.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:51 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]
You said you hate it that you had to come back to SI to vent. Glad you came back. Do you have anybody else to talk to?
My aging parents live across the country and I only get to see them one time a year for a week. And after that week I barely have enough energy to fly back home.
I agree with everyone here. You need help and nothing wrong with that.
Please post again and tell us how you are coping.
You are an amazing and giving lerson. Your sister is incredibly selfish.
There is one thing to help a family member but its different when your life becomes nothing but caring for that family member. You are deserving of also having a life
Yes, I agree. Look into getting some help with your mother.
Finally fealing peace.
What does it even matter if I didn't like her car? I didn't have to drive or ride in it beyond the one time.
I made the mistake of returning the favor and brought up old gripes of my own as well as recent ones involving our mom. She promptly went home and cried to her fat-ass-POS-H and he has been blowing up my phone all afternoon.
Stick a fork in me, I'm about done.
I have retained an Elder Care Attorney ($$$$$$). Because of our particular situation, I can't use any of my mom's moneys to pay for respite care. (Poor estate planning on my mom's part that can't be changed now because of her mental capacity. And ignorance on my part. Mom said she had everything taken care of and I believed her instead of investigating it myself.) It would have to come out of my pocket. The many, ahem, dedicated christian church members where my mom attended church verbalized so much promised assistance when she was still in hospital, apparently have more important things to do now. Three individuals have been out on five occasions over the past year for short cursory visits. My father, from whom my mom has been divorced since the 1980s, has been helping me make ends meet as necessary, and has also footed some of my moms bills.
My mom was in a very nice facility for rehab, and could have stayed there (to the tune of about $11,000 per month) had she not thrown violent fits, refused to eat, refused to participate in therapy, etc. In those particular regards, she has been much better since coming home. So many days I wish I had left her there. I would have lost the house I've been sinking money into for nine years, but I might have my sanity.
I've told my kids on a regular basis, if I ever get in that condition, I want to go on one last trip to the Grand Canyon. And take a banana peel...
I MADE both of my parents take out long term nursing home care insurance. I could not have done a tenth of what you're doing.
Hell, I'm resentful of fWS at the moment because she has a cast and is non weight bearing and I've had to do all the chores and help her with ADLs. She started complaining about her good foot and I told her if she hurt that one too I'm putting her in assisted living. Not kidding.