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wethepeople posted 7/3/2013 12:31 PM

I have gotten some good advice from theis forum and I through I would seek more. My situation:

Wife said she wanted to separate in March. In VA there is no such thing as legal separation but I said fine, but I am not leaving the house. I do still hope that there is a chance to reconcile so I wanted to keep things as Friendly as possible. We get along great but the passion and spark has been gone for a while. Have 2 kids 5 and 8.

We worked quickly through a mediator to get a separation agreement in princial laid out. It is very fair to me given the fact that she has not worked for 8 years and we have been married for 10. I can live with the temp support and with the Child support. I got all the custodity I asked for (50/50). My attorney says it is a much better deal than I would get in court.

So since April I have been living in the basement, she works part time in retail making no money. I pay all the bills and get to see the kids each day and it is going on okay. I have been trying to get her to work on our intiamcy issues and she says she is giving all she can right now. She will not sign the draft fo the agreement which goes in to effect when we sell the home, which she says will happen (she is on the deed but not the loan) after the VA i year separation requirement runs next march)

So I bring up to her that if she wanted out of the marriage and wants me gone she has the power she just needs to get a job and start to support herself and the kids in a way that will allow us independence from each other and give the kids a home they deserve when they are with her. She blows up at this and says I am not to tell her what see needs to do to take care of the kids and herself etc (I am sure a lot of you have heard the same screams). She says she wants to work part time and take yoga instructure classes and then in March deceide what she wants to do going forward.

So I quickly start to realize that I may be the chump in the room. Then I see the Facebook Messages left open. Two main observations, she has reached out to several ex's (all of who are married) and is more than happy to share intimate details about our marriage, details about my disease (DX with MS in 2007), and then trying to get them to meet her, "leave wifey at home", " is kissing you cheating", "I should have married you" etc. I than see she is telling her firend about her professing her love for an ex (who happens to be a famous rock star) and how even though he is married with two kids he has said that they can be one again and he appears to be leading her on like a little goupie. So basically there is tons of this, sharing details of our life together with these people, trying to get them to hook up, and then I find she is writing a blog which lays the same out for the world to see, private details about us and me. I have never said an ill word about her to anyone. I am very private.

So now I am sick over my next move.

I can pretend it never happened and I never saw, live through it for the next 8 months, be with my kids, take the good deal I have negotiated and move on then. I am adding a clause in the agreement saying she cannot discuss or publish (I know she is working on a book about her life) intimate details of our mariage, sex life, or my health issues)

I can confront her and cause an explosion which will hurt the kids and get me to a judge which might get me a worse deal than I have on the table.

Or I can just have some fun with her....contact the wives of the men she is having emotional affairs (I have no proof of physical yet) and let them see the screen caps of there husbands discussing how great their sex lives were with my wife when they were together and planning meet ups.

It is tough for me. I unfortunately still love her. I love my kids dearly and want them to have a loving home. But I cant sleep at night with a mixture of anger and hurt and humiliation and a need to maintain soem dignity.

Your perspectives would be greatly appreciated.

haysuth01 posted 7/3/2013 13:27 PM

Capt. Obvious here. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You need to see your attorney about her blog, and her book. She would never be able to publish the book without your permission, and no publisher would do it without your signature or they'd risk getting sued.

About her blog... I'm not sure how it works, but I believe you can get an order for her to either make it private or shut it down altogether, as it may be damaging to your children if they or anyone they know happen to read it. There's something like that going on with a blog I used to read, suburbanbliss.net. Google it, it may be helpful.

As far as the rest goes... I honestly don't know what to tell you. Only you can decide how much you can take, what it will be worth to you. I do believe that the other wives of her EA partners and her rockstar ex deserve to know what they are married to.

Hugs and good luck, wtp.

Athena1979 posted 7/4/2013 14:03 PM

The best I can say is let the other wives know.

It is what it is. Que sera sera. (whatever will be, will be)

Be a good role model for the kids. Let them know, let them see, what good people do and how they act.

When my parents divorced, there was mud slinging and manipulation.

It was constant stress on my brothers and I.

I hated my dad because of what my mom told me.

Eventually, I moved out and made my own choices.

I reconciled with my dad and got to know him and felt sorry for time I had lost with him. I then tuned my mom out.

Now it's switched where I don't favor one over the other.

I tell them both to stop being petty and get over themselves.

I never felt like I had a parent figure in my life. My parents spent so much time hating each other and using my brothers and I as pawns.

I had one adult that was more like my mom than anyone else. I trusted her indefinitely. She has since passed away. I miss her. I don't think I would cry for my own mom, the way I cried for her at her funeral.

Anyway, the point is that the woman who was my own "fill in" mom was that person, because I could trust her. She was never bias. She was always accepting and always gave me good advice-whether I wanted to hear it or not.

She loved me unconditionally. She wasn't with me at all times. I didn't live with her. I corresponded with her through letters and maybe spent weekends with her, maybe 4 times a year. She wasn't family. But I loved her more than anyone in my life.

Sometimes I still think, "what would Wendy have told me to do?" especially, now, in my time of need. And it's sad because I have no idea what she would have said to me. But I know it would have been wise.

My mom would say something mean and rash. My dad would say something legal and professional. But Wendy would have made it wise and smart and logical and she would have made me come up with the answer myself. (it's hard to disagree with your own idea)

The point is-it takes more than living with someone or spending lots of time with someone to make them that special person.

It takes character, grace, class and a caring personality that gets remembered. Kids remember that. Kids see that.