I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.
I am five months in from DDAY and I honestly don't know how I am doing from one day to the next.
I am attempting reconciliation, and I really am trying. WH is doing and saying all the right things: Going to SA meetings regularly, on medication, seeing a therapist, following all my weird little boundary needs to the letter. We are in CC too.
Here's the thing: Most days, when he's not around (at work), I feel ok. I go to therapy. I'm finally making myself a priority. I take care of our beautiful children. However, sometime the triggers are too much. I look at his face, this man who I adored and loved unconditionally, and sometimes I want to be sick. Sometimes I want to bash that handsome face in.
He had on and off affairs with one woman for 8 years, 1 long emotional affair, 3 other sexual encounters. All with work colleagues. I am a member of Mensa, and consider myself freakishly intuitive (proved that wrong). He is extremely bright and executed his manipulation of me with great precision. He truly lived a double life.
My mother unfortunately blasted the version I told her (less than above, still horrible obviously) to everyone in my large family. Now I feel like an injured tiger in a cage that everyone around my very small town watches to see if she's going to snap.
The betrayal that my mom, who I had a really great relationship with prior to this perpetrated on me is a whole other betrayal.
No one is really here for me. I go to S Anon occasionally. I have good friends who have tried to help, but I don't feel like anyone can help me.
I'm the person who was always smiling, always effervescent. Bubbly. Happy. Now, I put up boundaries around everyone and everything. My mom and WH say they "miss" the person I was. Well, me too. To my credit, I've told them both that she's dead and gone and to get over it. Sad thing is, I really miss her too.
Any advice would be gladly received. I just feel very alone with this new person i am, that I don't necessarily like that much :(
That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???