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BFFGone posted 7/3/2013 14:00 PM

I am five months in from DDAY and I honestly don't know how I am doing from one day to the next.
I am attempting reconciliation, and I really am trying. WH is doing and saying all the right things: Going to SA meetings regularly, on medication, seeing a therapist, following all my weird little boundary needs to the letter. We are in CC too.
Here's the thing: Most days, when he's not around (at work), I feel ok. I go to therapy. I'm finally making myself a priority. I take care of our beautiful children. However, sometime the triggers are too much. I look at his face, this man who I adored and loved unconditionally, and sometimes I want to be sick. Sometimes I want to bash that handsome face in.
He had on and off affairs with one woman for 8 years, 1 long emotional affair, 3 other sexual encounters. All with work colleagues. I am a member of Mensa, and consider myself freakishly intuitive (proved that wrong). He is extremely bright and executed his manipulation of me with great precision. He truly lived a double life.
My mother unfortunately blasted the version I told her (less than above, still horrible obviously) to everyone in my large family. Now I feel like an injured tiger in a cage that everyone around my very small town watches to see if she's going to snap.
The betrayal that my mom, who I had a really great relationship with prior to this perpetrated on me is a whole other betrayal.
No one is really here for me. I go to S Anon occasionally. I have good friends who have tried to help, but I don't feel like anyone can help me.
I'm the person who was always smiling, always effervescent. Bubbly. Happy. Now, I put up boundaries around everyone and everything. My mom and WH say they "miss" the person I was. Well, me too. To my credit, I've told them both that she's dead and gone and to get over it. Sad thing is, I really miss her too.

Any advice would be gladly received. I just feel very alone with this new person i am, that I don't necessarily like that much :(

stilllovemywife posted 7/3/2013 14:12 PM


I know how you feel. It is very hard to go from being the "happy-go-lucky", always friendly, always smiling one to feeling soooo alone. I feel the same way everyday. I wish there was something I could say or some advice that I could give, but I can't. I'm looking for it myself. I just thought I wuld say that I understand and that you aren't the only one who feels that way. I just try to tell myself that right now, I need to be me. I need to grieve however that may be. I'm 2 years in. Unhealthy, I know. I should have dealt with things sooner, but I'm doing the best I can. I have one friend that has stuck with me through it all. I can vent to him occasionally, but not regularly as he recently started dating a married woman. Makes me sick.

I guess my point is simply that you aren't alone. I try to make a point to smile and talk to at least one new person each day. I'm trying to pick one thing that I miss about myself and start doing that thing again until it just becomes natural again. then I will choose another thing I miss.

Anyway, I wish you well.

BFFGone posted 7/3/2013 15:34 PM


Thank you for your kind words. I finally found the right personal therapist (after 2 failed attempts) and through my process in therapy its amazing to realize how I let my trusting and loving nature put blinders on the reality I was living. I think that's the really hard part, I thought I had it all. I trusted my husband with no reservations, and everyone around me too. I had a really good childhood, no traumas anywhere to be found until this bomb exploded on me...the the blinders lifted and I feel like I'm seeing the ugly world in all it's hideousness for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I've faced my share of "normal" parents are not well, I have a child with special needs, but I felt like I always had my strong world to fall back on...and now to know that was an illusion makes me feel like I've been dropped onto a foreign planet where the aliens could attack at any minute. Nothing is safe.

Yoga has been an integral part of finding some semblance of peace. I'm trying to carve out those moments where I feel normal again. It's hard some days though, isn't it?

I wish you peace and joy on your journey.

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