I know, Cant. It gets like that for me, too, and yep, also experienced childhood SA abuse.
Cant, take some deep breaths. You know the drill: close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and focus on exactly where you are NOW.
Be aware of the chair, be aware of the keyboard under your fingers - all the very normal physical stimulus around you. Re-orient to the normal environment you're in now. Break all the thoughts in your head down, all your reactions to just breathing, and taking stock of your immediate surrounds.
Slow everything down to just that. Keep doing it until the panic passes.
I hope you're feeling better. I hope you're starting to feel like YOU again.
Infidelity is a big trigger, another painful reminder of what's safe and what isn't. I'm so sorry you have to deal with anything even tangentially connected.
It's a trigger because it involves deception, it involves intimacy, and yes, it involves traumatic intrusion into places that should be very safe, but prove they aren't at all.
Your husband is responsible for that, for knowing (I assume) your history, of the enormous gift of trust you gave (especially because of that history) and for not protecting you. Sound familiar? Of course.
I'm so sorry, Cant. For me, I gave myself permission to really guard my physical boundaries for awhile, when I triggered. I told my husband to give me a wider berth. If he asked for a hug, I would say no, instead of being polite. IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT. It's MORE than okay; it's safety for you and consequence for him.
If you're in counseling, please talk about this. If you aren't, it would help to talk to a therapist about it. It's hard to explain the layered response you'll get to someone who doesn't understand or hasn't experienced it.
It'll be okay. I promise. Remember that you know already to deal with big bad things and come out whole on the other side.
[This message edited by Reality at 4:51 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]