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cantaccept posted 7/3/2013 16:07 PM

It seems to be hitting me now here at work. Same feelings when h touches me.

I have been wanting to push away, pull away from him. Physical revulsion.

What the hell is this?? It is bringing back all the feelings of abuse from childhood. I feel ill, shaking. What do I do with this??

I am at work and feel like I am going to explode.

This is all so wrong.

I feel like I want to run away, from everything. this is just too much, way way too much.

I don't know how to calm down.

FightingBack posted 7/3/2013 16:28 PM

I am in no way qualified or experienced with CSA, but in my humble opinion, I might venture a guess that when abused as a child, those terrible feelings of fear, shame and vulnerability among many others, manifest themselves again when we experience abuse again.

Infidelity is a form of abuse. Emotional, physical, sexual and spiritual.

(((cant)))). Hang in. We are with you.

Reality posted 7/3/2013 16:50 PM

I know, Cant. It gets like that for me, too, and yep, also experienced childhood SA abuse.

Cant, take some deep breaths. You know the drill: close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and focus on exactly where you are NOW.

Be aware of the chair, be aware of the keyboard under your fingers - all the very normal physical stimulus around you. Re-orient to the normal environment you're in now. Break all the thoughts in your head down, all your reactions to just breathing, and taking stock of your immediate surrounds.

Slow everything down to just that. Keep doing it until the panic passes.

I hope you're feeling better. I hope you're starting to feel like YOU again.

Infidelity is a big trigger, another painful reminder of what's safe and what isn't. I'm so sorry you have to deal with anything even tangentially connected.

It's a trigger because it involves deception, it involves intimacy, and yes, it involves traumatic intrusion into places that should be very safe, but prove they aren't at all.

Your husband is responsible for that, for knowing (I assume) your history, of the enormous gift of trust you gave (especially because of that history) and for not protecting you. Sound familiar? Of course.

I'm so sorry, Cant. For me, I gave myself permission to really guard my physical boundaries for awhile, when I triggered. I told my husband to give me a wider berth. If he asked for a hug, I would say no, instead of being polite. IT'S OKAY TO DO THAT. It's MORE than okay; it's safety for you and consequence for him.

If you're in counseling, please talk about this. If you aren't, it would help to talk to a therapist about it. It's hard to explain the layered response you'll get to someone who doesn't understand or hasn't experienced it.

It'll be okay. I promise. Remember that you know already to deal with big bad things and come out whole on the other side.

[This message edited by Reality at 4:51 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

jo2love posted 7/3/2013 16:53 PM

(((cant)))

I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child and are now going through.

cantaccept posted 7/3/2013 18:04 PM

It just hit me, the familiarity of it. I have been cringing when h touches me in any way that is remotely sexual.

I trusted him. Told him everything, he took it upon himself to tell ow.

I hate that, it makes me feel so exposed.

He was the first man that I wanted to touch me. The first that I ever felt comfortable with, enjoyed sex with.

This is horrible. Is it another thing I will loose? I really believed he would protect me. I believed the worst pain was behind me.

with everything that I have survived, this is the absolutely most painful thing I have ever been through.

I didn't trust my abusers, they had always hurt me, it wasn't a shock. It was just a different form of abuse, a new one.

My h, I trusted. I never felt a connection between my childhood and this until today.

I just don't want any new pain. I just cant take anymore.

metamorphisis posted 7/3/2013 19:35 PM

Yep.
Things I had completely dealt with and had therapy and EMDR for came back with a vengeance. Reality just gave you a very helpful exercise. Read it again and do it. Ground yourself, remember where you are, and bring yourself back into this moment with her suggestions. Name the colours and shapes of everything in the room, touch things around you, take deep breaths. You are right here .
Have you been to therapy before? Tried EMDR? I had to do it again but it was a life saver and helped me normal sad instead of "Oh my god I am going to lose my mind" crazy. EMDR stopped the nightmares, and the constant fight or flight responses. I no longer jumped out of my skin if surprised and could eat and sleep. It helps
Reality is so absolutely on the money with her post. Layered response indeed. It can bring you back to that place where touch isn't safe and it's ok to say that. Tell everyone in your life to stay 5 ft away if you want to. It's up to you. YOU are in control now.

HFSSC posted 7/4/2013 07:49 AM

Wow, this thread resonates with me. I relate to every bit of it. I think that was the worst betrayal. That he knew the horror that I have endured. He knew how badly I had been abused. And he betrayed me anyway, over and over.

I remember telling him one day that I felt like a toy that had been broken and sloppily mended. No one really takes care of it because it's already broken. He was supposed to be the one to take care of me.

The good news here is that he is taking care of me now. And I've been mended properly. But I am still a mended broken toy.