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LovingFool posted 7/3/2013 16:36 PM

I haven't posted in awhile, just been lurking about. But I am having such an awful time right now. I have been fretting about the big family get together this weekend. It's by WH's family. Most of them know about the A and I'm ok with that. It just that since my WH's A came out, we found out that ALL of his siblings also had A - cheated on their husbands - some even several times. I am having a hard time dealing with such selfishness in this family, but I feel confused by my feelings. Doesn't make sense, huh? Yeah, try living it. Guess I'm trying to put logic where there is none.

If it was just dealing with my WH's A affair, it would be bad enough, but now I must face these "happy" family members who have somewhat reconciled with their spouses. Really, all I feel is even more hurt. It seems like any misunderstandings or little hurts caused by his family over the years is getting manifests to the nth degree in me right now. I hate this. We dealt with these misunderstandings in the past, why is it coming up now.

Even though it is hard, I am committed to being with my WH. I'd be lying to say that on some days it is actually the kids (5) that keep me committed. My WH is very remorseful, dealing with his own FOO issues (heck who isn't?!) and helping me tremendously. Maybe I can just divorce his family? I'm not a good pretender on a good day, and completely lousy when I am hurting so much. Maybe staying away is the best thing. But then, am I just being selfish? I need to deal with it sooner or later. I understand about forgiveness, but I feel his family, while loving, is full of betrayers who can't be trusted. Yep, having serious trust issues with a lot of people right now. I know that they are not two-faced, they just screwed up like my WH. But I don't know if I even want my kids around them.

I just feel like my life got completely slam dunked and is still in pieces.

Guess I'm done rambling and venting for now. Can I make an excuse for not going without it seeming selfish? Then again, after their ultimate selfishness, maybe it's my turn at selfishness - at least I have a better excuse!

StrongerOne posted 7/3/2013 18:49 PM

You are not being selfish for not wanting to go. You do not need to deal with these people now, or ever IMHO. But definitely not now.

You are protecting yourself.

You do not need to make up any sort of excuse, and you are not obligated to tell them anything about your thoughts and feelings if you don't want to.

All you need to say is, I'm so sorry, I can't attend. (You can even leave off the I'm sorry part!)

Hugs to you -- take care of *you*

Conflicted1 posted 7/3/2013 19:38 PM

I think those feeling are well founded. I admit that I have really hard feelings against my husbands' parents even though his mother has passed because they were most definitely the root contributors to his brokenness. Not that he is not responsible by any means but I think it's a form of feeling protective of our marriage. I grit my teeth and try to remain above the dysfunction as a observer when we spend any time with him. That helps me still be polite but not immersed in it all.

LovingFool posted 7/4/2013 07:19 AM

Thank you very much for your replies. My WH and I spoke at great length last night. He understands my feelings and will accept any decision I make. After talking with him I felt so very much better and at this point I may still go. What is awful is that one day I am quite fine and able to go about my daily routine without a hitch and the very next day (or even later that same day!) I trigger and I completely freak out. Gosh, when they said it is a roller coaster of recovery, they weren't kidding!! Thanks again for the support. It's good to have our feelings validated sometimes.

Skan posted 7/4/2013 13:01 PM

How about coming up with a pre-manufactured excuse so if it gets too bad, you both can abruptly leave. He can say something to the effect of, just want to apologize up front. Both of us have been fighting some sort of intestinal bug all week long, but we wanted to at least come over and see everyone. If we need to leave abruptly, it's because we're not feeling too good.

And then split if need be.