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3 yr rollercoaster (sorry for the rant!)

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enufisenuf3 posted 7/3/2013 20:28 PM

I've tried writing my story a few times now with out making it a novel! So I'm just guna sum it all up as short as possible. I have been with my wbf for seven years this month. We have 3 wonderful young children and up until 3 years ago we were madly in love and had a great open, trusting relationship. Things started to crumble 3 years ago when we learned I was pregnant with twins. We were having a lot of money problems and at that point the only big job he was able to get was remodling an "exs" basement. She was someone he used to fool around with over ten years ago. With 2 more kids on the way, me not being able to find work and having to decide to get a place with my mom again, he started to change. He started to hang out with old friends from his party days (before me) and not coming home. After getting a place with my mom nothing changed and I confided in his mom that I didn't think he loved me anymore. Few days later he confessed that he didn't know how he felt and left. We tried to work things out and after a couple months he came back. He confessed to sleeping with the "ex" among other girls. I let it go, he also revealed his depression he was going through. We talked a lot and things started to get better. Right before our girls were born he bruised his ribs and was put on pain meds. He started to go back to being out more etc. Month later he pocket dialed me when he was supposed to be at his moms and I could hear he was with her. He said nothing happened but he was confused and depressed and didn't know what he wanted and it had nothing to do with her. Well he left again and couple months later we were back together. He revealed that he was on and off with her while he was away and that he had severe depression and anxiety. We agreed we both still wanted to work through it. Few months later I was doing some stuff on line for our cell phone account and saw that her was still talking to her, this time he admitted fully to cheating and to being addicted to pain killers since being hurt. That weekend he attempted to detox on his own, lasted about a week before going back.
The ow at this time proceeded to harass him with text msgs and even had a friend of hers friend my lil brother on facebook, I guess to attempt at spying on me. This is when I realized the type of person she was. She appeared to be obsessed with him. He revealed that while working on her house she was constantly trying to get with him and flirting with him. also when out drinking she would always volenteer to be the driver, I don't know how she had time for this because she had a young daughter. Anyway, she did whatever she could to be around him and the combination of what he was going through and her constantly throwing herself at him, taking advantage of how he was doubting himself and telling him things like I didn't really love him and only wanted to stay with him because I didn't want to be a single mom, and would constantly reveal her feelings for him. I guess he finaly gave in. Few months after this we found out she was pregnant. (everyone suspects on purpose, she made comments to his friends about how they were meant to be and if she had his child everything would work out, she also did not tell him she went off her birth control).
Well it's been 3 years since this all began and since then he has a 1 1/2yr old with her, went to rehab, relapsed, has confessed two or more times about being with her (not individual times just individual confessions of continuing on with her)and now dealing with more confessions and addiction and two months with him barely being home.
Now I know a big factor is his addiction and depression, he knows she is not good for him. She enabled the worst times in his addiction from giving him money and rides etc. He has been confused about his feeling for her, but in his few sober times he realizes how much he actually doesn't like her. He keeps going back he says because he feels trapped. He wants me but lives in fear about what she will do plus she allows more of his bad behavior. I have recently received threatening msgs from her ( not the first) and she showed up at our home the other night at 2:30am demanding he come out and talk to her because he left her house after she showed up at his job and wouldn't leave until he agreed to get a ride from her (I was on my way to get him). He says that was not the first time she would just show up to pick him up and he'd get in the car because he was afraid of her making a scene. All this info is new, along with his sleeping with her again. Now he is still dealing with his addiction and depression, but it seems she might finally give up.
I am very confused because I know he loves me and wants our family and it's hard to make sense of his actions when I know most if not all were influenced by depression/drugs/lack of self worth and her manipulation and according to his counselor in rehab (who said she was the worst thing for him) a possible sex addiction. We are working to find other options for him to get clean again and for good and how to make our relationship survive after all this. I could go on but to keep it this "short" I left a lot of info out. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and know that this man isn't the same man I had for almost 5 years before this. I know the real him is still there under his addiction etc.
Am I crazy for dealing with this for so long? His addiction I have used as an excuse for his actions and it has made it easier to get over things, but these past few months have been the worst. I want to heal us and move forward and so does he. How do we do that from here? My gut tells me we can but I'm scared of being hurt again, especially if he doesn't fix his personal issues which is priority number 1 right now.

Jpapageorge posted 7/4/2013 03:46 AM

Welcome Enufisenuf3 to the best website you never wanted to join. Sorry you find yourself here but I am glad you found us.

Take the time to read the Healing library (in the yellow box in the upper left-hand corner. It has a lot of information that will help you deal with what you are going through and how to cope with your WBF's affair.

The thing that keeps jumping out at me from your post is your WBF keeps backsliding into his addictions, has affairs and you keep taking him back hoping for the best. You and your three children deserve more than what he is capable of offering you right now. He is an active addict and is not good for you or your children. You need to protect yourself and your children and not allow him to be around you since he is using. I know that sounds harsh but YOU cannot change him, he has to change himself. Until he gets clean AND stays clean, do not allow him to be around you or your children. He has established a pattern of using and using his addiction and depression as an excuse for his infidelity. Sorry again for being harsh but, he won't quit the self destructive behavior until there are real consequences and you letting him come back each time gives him no consequences. Stop enabling.

Take some time to read the threads in I Can Relate "For those who love an alcoholic"- and "codependent support thread"- You will find some caring and understanding people there who are going through or have gone through just what you are dealing with.

It gets a little slow around here on weekends and holidays but there are others who will come along soon and give you more support and advise.

Hang in there


Skan posted 7/4/2013 12:00 PM

Hey there. I'm so glad that you found us for support. I'm sorry that you have the reason to be here.

You love an addict. That's the bare bones of your situation. Your WBF is an addict. An addict actively in their addiction will always choose their addiction over you, your children, and anything else in his life. It doesn't matter if you love him, if he loves you, if he loves his children, if he loves God, or anything else that is sacred to him.

An addict who is in the active phase of their addiction will always, always choose their addiction. And anything that allows them to continue in their addiction. You cannot love him out of it, you cannot guilt him out of it, you have NO control over him or his addiction.

The only control that you do have, is in you your reactions and your responses. This is going to sound harsh, but if you can drop your emotions for one moment and take a cool, long, clear-headed look at the past and what that means for the future, you're going to see that you are in a cycle of rinse, lather, and repeat. And you are going to stay in that cycle until you break free, with very little change except possibly adding more children to the cycle children that you bear and children that he fathers on the OW.

Please. For your sake and for the sake of your children, see a lawyer, file for CS for your children so they are first in line, and show him the door. Let him know that until he is clean and sober for a year, he cannot come home. That you need actions showing that he can be consistent in his sobriety. And take care of yourself and your children.

Yeah, it's likely that he's going to crash. But he's crashing already. Yeah, he might go crawling to the OW. But he's already doing that. Please understand that no matter how brutal this sounds, he's already left you. He's already made a choice. He cannot and will not get sober and maintain that sobriety as long as he can Ping-Pong between your house and her house. As hard as it is, you need to pull out of the equation for your and for your children's sake.

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. I know this is just brutal. I know this isn't want you wanted for your life and for your children's lives. But you're the only person that can take control, for yourself and for your children. Please come back often for support. Everyone here wants to help and lord knows, we've all walked, and are walking, similar paths.

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