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overcoming2003 posted 7/3/2013 21:51 PM

I told my husband months ago that I am no longer interested in continuing our marriage. This is nothing new. I have put my all into our marriage and I have run out of gas. I don't have anything left. The cheating with him occurred in 2003 a lot has resulted due to the cheating, but I got over it and forgave him for that. The issue for a long time was that, although he behaved for a while, he reverted back to old habits that caused him to cheat in the first place. No matter how much I yelled, talked and the end, he did what he wanted and it didn't matter how I felt about it. This isn't even my biggest issue anymore. As far as I cam concerned, he can see whomever he would like. That is an HONEST feeling.

My issues are the fact that he has lost so many jobs, that I can't keep count anymore. Two in one state and 4 in the present state that we live in now. I am in debt because of it. I act as a single parent to my son with NO help from him. We are not intimate and have not slept in the same room in years. What purpose does he serve in our household? Also, he doesn't know how to cook and barely cleans.

He was arrested and now has a felony on his record (this occurred about a year ago). Our DS was with him when he was arrested. I cannot find it in my heart to get past this. I have tried. I have given it my best shot. I have started having anxiety attacks because the pressure of my M. finances and job is too much for me.

He knows that I am not in love anymore. I am sure that I don't want this marriage. I don't want to do counseling. I asked for this when he cheated and he said no and basically wanted me to keep that a secret and I did for years. Now that I want out, he wants counseling and wants to save the marriage.

Also, I have found inappropriate texts to other women in his phone...last Oct/Nov where he refers to a woman as "sexy". That is his nickname for her. Also, the day he was arrested, a woman called his phone and all but said that they were in a relationship. He says that I over-reacted with her that there was nothing there. They were just friends.

A few weeks ago, he admitted to flirting with women, but says that he is never intimate with any of them. This truth is, I don't care anymore. He can screw whomever he would like and I wouldn't be hurt. He has my blessing. Maybe this tells me that that it is truly over. I don't care to have that conversation with him anymore.

More than 45 days ago, I told him the lease is up on the house and that I am moving out and he needs to figure out what he is going to do.

He says that he won't have anywhere to go. He will be homeless. I feel sooo guilty. He came to this state with me because of my job...I feel like I am abandoning him. Yet, I want to be free. I am thinking of giving him first months' rent and security deposit just to help him out, but not sure if I can really afford that for the both of us.

I have never lived alone before, so I am afraid. I have been with him for 17 years, married for 15. I have a promising career and a great job with a good salary, but need to downsize to get rid of the debt that he has mostly caused.

I have until Aug. 1 to tell him that I changed my mind or not. Moving on feels like the right thing to do in my heart, yet I am scared, feeling full of guilt and confused.

What would you do?

[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 9:58 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

wannabenormal posted 7/3/2013 22:03 PM

What I would do is leave tomorrow.

No to be totally rude and blunt - but WTF does HE have to offer?!

YOU are in a very good spot to move on. He sounds like a jerk. What do YOU have to gain with his anchor ass attached to you?!

I get being scared and not sure of the future, but shit - it's gotta be better than the current and will continue to be current with this guy.

Don't give him shit now; chances are when you divorce, you might have to do something legally, but my opinion is he's gotten a nice ride for nothing for a long time. Dissolve this businesslike. Eww, he's really a creep! He was lucky to have you and gave it up.

You WILL be fine. I suspect you'll even feel relieved.

overcoming2003 posted 7/3/2013 22:12 PM

Thank you, Wannabenormal. He doesn't have much to offer right now. I am trying to allow my mind to rule me, but my compassionate side is getting in the way.

I have spoken with a lawyer. He said that DH will likely get half of my retirement, but because of the felony, I will likely get the kid.

Also, he would have to prove that he was a househusband for our marriage, which isn't the case. As far as income, because he put himself in this financial position because of the felony, I should be OK and not have to pay spousal.

k8la posted 7/3/2013 22:22 PM

The compassionate side needs to recognize that he's a man, not a child. And that as long as you keep rescuing him and being a safe place to land, he has no incentive to change. Compassion would say, get out of the way of his consequences and he'll find his way back to being a man again, or he'll be a homeless bum that is no longer adding to your problems. That is not within your control to dictate.

You cannot save him by becoming homeless yourself, and that's where you will go if you continue to attach yourself to a felon.

wannabenormal posted 7/3/2013 22:26 PM

I get it. When my XWH was walking out the door for OW, I HELPED him with his apartment. Not just getting his shit out, but decorating and crap! What a fool! I thought he'd remember how great I was and ditch the 'other life'. He didn't. If anything, it probably helped him - shit, I'm so awesome even my 'gross' STBXW is helping me. LOL! I can laugh now, but at that time, even with him leaving me - I felt compelled to be 'the wife', you know?

Our sitch was different dynamically (with finances and stuff), but get that guilt out of your head. Remind yourself - he threw it away. He threw you away. He threw the marriage away. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't me, I shouldn't WANT to help.

That's all a little blunt, but from what I'm reading - he's only gonna have the 'what am I losing moment' when he realized the gravy train has left. I don't mean to sound cruel, but sometimes that's all we are - some sick means to their end, you know?

Fuck him. Losing money sucks, but you can always make more. Your freedom, sanity and above everything - your child! - will mean so much more than half your retirement, you know?

He sounds like a real life suck. Let him suck on someone else now.

overcoming2003 posted 7/3/2013 22:32 PM

Wannabenormal, I am SO NOT WORRIED about the retirement. I am still in my 30s and at the beginning of my career. I am hoping to make it up later. Better half now than when it is time to retire.

I feel like a fool for second guessing myself, but I am...I do care about him. BUT he has proven himself to be not capable of heading my family.

He isn't doing anything to promote us, just bring us down. I am tired.

[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 10:33 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 7/4/2013 01:32 AM

Overcoming, I SO get it. My WH has been unemployed for over a year and I have been essentially a single parent. Any little thing he did do around the house and he expected a fucking gold star (and it was never gold star worthy). Yet he refused to cut back on his lifestyle continuing to rack up debt. He has no concept of living within our means and it didn't bother him that I work 70-80 hrs per week just to keep our heads above water! When he ran away in March I simply knew I couldn't do it anymore. I cut him off the gravy train cold turkey and stopped paying bills in his name. I knew I was throwing him to the wolves because he is still unemployed, and I had moments of guilt, but I let my head prevail over my heart as I simply knew it had to be done. He still gives me the occasional guilt trip as we work thru our dissolution, but I have to steel myself and keep telling myself I must not waver and weaken for the survival of myself and DD. He created this mess and he must finally bear the consequences without me killing myself to bail his sorry as out. I am SO done with that!

Just keep telling yourself you are doing what is in your best interest for once and try to push those moments of guilt to the side. It's not easy, I know...

wannabenormal posted 7/4/2013 01:45 AM

Over - my point was more that the retirement is probably all you'll lose now.

If you're only in your 30's, you are still young and have SO much more to look forward to. It'll be tough at first, but worth it.

Don't feel foolish - of course you didn't stand at the altar thinking this wouldn't work, you know?

And I know being a nice person is hard too, you don't want to see him living under a bridge or anything, but remind yourself that he sucks.

It's not what you planned, but it's here. Tell his ass to get lost! Start a new life for you and DS. It's hard, but not impossible. ((over))

SBB posted 7/4/2013 02:00 AM

I wasted 5 years convincing myself I didn't have enough reasons to leave. This helped me ignore the fact that there were no reasons to stay.

You don't need any more reasons, you don't need to wait until the fear passes, you just need to leave.

The fear itself is worse than that which you fear.

I have learned it is worse and far more damaging to BE in a shit marriage than it is to LEAVE one.

My decision to stay was based on fear of the unknown. The known I was living was far worse than any unknown I could think up to fear.

overcoming2003 posted 7/4/2013 09:56 AM

Thank you all so much for the posts and encouragement. I think that a big part of it for me is the fear. However, I have put the notice in on my house and moving forward. There is no moving back. I am ready to detach myself from the situation and allow the chips to fall where they may.

peridot posted 7/4/2013 10:53 AM

You've given him 45 days notice that you are leaving. I wouldn't give him a damn thing. He can get a job, even if it's McDonalds.

Don't worry about him. Take care of yourself and your DS.

FaithFool posted 7/4/2013 10:56 AM

He is not exactly enhancing your life, is he? You deserve so much better!

Don't be afraid. Alone is good. Very very good. Trust me on that one.

Time to ditch this loser sweetie. Onward.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:56 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

realitybites posted 7/4/2013 12:39 PM

I agree with the others. He is only as homeless as he wants to be. He can get a job he just chooses to not make it happen. It seems from your story that he has become quite used to you fixing everything for him.

You have given him plenty of notice. If he decides to not do anything at all for himself for the next 45 days or so then not your problem.

You bettered yourself, you took care of yourself....he now needs to have you let go of the rope and let him figure it all out for himself.

overcoming2003 posted 7/4/2013 14:23 PM

Agreed. For the record, eh DOES have a job, just through a temp service that doesn't pay enough for him to take care of himself. But he put himself in that situation.

Skan posted 7/4/2013 17:13 PM

Overcoming2003, please read my tagline. He chose to betray you. He chose to mooch off of you. He chose to not reconcile with you. He chose to take a low-paying job. He chose the actions that led to his arrest. He chose his actions and now it's consequence time.

Wipe your feet on the mat as you leave and walk into your new life. If he wants better, he can make better choices. Choose to honor yourself and the rest of your life. Walk away. He's theoretically a grown adult male. It's time to divest yourself of his dead weight and live your own life. (((hugs)))

wontdefineme posted 7/5/2013 17:17 PM

When I told my xh to get out one time after I found out, all he could say was "I have nowhere to go!" Not I don't want to lose you, not I don't want to lose my family.

You know what you need to do. There will be guilty feelings because you are forever connected because you are married.

In a sermon at church a couple of months ago, I was finally released from feeling like I turned my back on my marriage when it got tough. The message of the sermon was, "sometimes you have to throw your Jonah overboard to save yourself".

overcoming2003 posted 7/5/2013 23:09 PM

Thank you all of the posts. WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD? I have come to this conclusion a while ago. It still isn't easy.

He is trying to work on me and it is weighing on me. He sent me the following text yesterday. I didn't know what to do, so I just didn't respond.

text: My family means the world to me. I have made a lot of steps to change. I am a totally different person. I need you to give me one chance to prove it. I will never ever take you for granted. I will always love and support you. I will protect my family with my life. I am more focused and driven. I won't let you down. Just pray and think about it.

My heart says no. I have had enough! But I am truly, really afraid and full of doubt. Again, I have not responded to him.

rainagain posted 7/6/2013 16:12 PM

You can still change your mind later IF his actions match his words. You don't need to say or do anything but watch and see. Maybe he will get a job and a place to live....not be involved with women....if he had a relationship with your son work with you to find a way to continue that. IF he does then you can decide your next step. If he doesn't it isn't just because you didn't answer a text.

thenon-goddess posted 7/6/2013 16:26 PM

I wasted 5 years convincing myself I didn't have enough reasons to leave. This helped me ignore the fact that there were no reasons to stay.

This is one of the best things I have read on SI! Exactly what helped me make up my mind. I started asking myself what reasons I had to stay. Up until the point I finally decided I was done I was able to come up with a couple of weak ones. My kids were the only real one. Once I got it through my thick head that my husband was damaging his children, it was really easy to know I needed to leave. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would have left a long time ago.

Overcoming, it doesn't sound like you have much reason to stay either. It's adirable that you feel sorry for him and don't want to abandon him, but he is an adult and at this point your enabling him just gives him an excuse to not have to pull himself up and get his crap together. It's amazing what people can accomplish when they have to rely on themselves. I think it's time to cut yourself free and find your happiness and let your WH start being a big boy.

phmh posted 7/6/2013 16:32 PM

Yesterday I bumped up a thread about fear vs. reality. Please read through it.

I think that most of us had tons of fears. In my case, none of what I feared materialized. Instead, my life was 100 times better than I ever thought it could be -- including when I was with XWH.

Don't make decisions out of fear. It sounds like you are positioned for a fabulous life once you lose the cheating dead weight :)

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