" Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Ro
Why don't you set boundaries, ask him to attend counseling with you (assuming that the two of you want to be together), have him do all of the things that it will take for him to be transparent and work on your marriage?
I'm just asking...
I don't mean to tell you how to feel, so please forgive me for doing so. If your initial DDay is only 2011, your wounds are still sooo new and open. It is perhaps too soon for you to know if or not you can forgive him.
You will not be able to let him go if you continue to talk to him about things outside of your son. I am not discouraging you from talking to him whichever way you want to, but just trying to make you aware that you may be emotionally dependent upon him, if you are looking forward to contacts with him and so forth.
I can understand not trusting him since it was a false reconciliation. In addition to counseling, he also needs to make himself completely transparent to you, with phones, who he is contact with and checking in. He also needs to know that he has caused this damage and if he wants you, he needs to do whatever it would take to get you back.
It sounds like you have a decision to make...cut him off completely outside of communication about your son. Or decide that you want him, your marriage and your family and you are willing to work it out, because you still love him. Based upon your post, you CLEARLY DO
I think you should take your time and decide. There seem to be no hurry. Most of all, if you decide he is what you want...make him work for it
[This message edited by overcoming2003 at 12:07 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]
He says he wants me to trust him again and has started to make the effort to do that.
I guess I'm curious what the real effort has been on his part.. If you guys are just chit-chatting about your son and other things unrelated to the cheating and marital issues, then it sounds like he is cake-eating.
If it's not 100% commitment on his part to fixing his issues and the marital issues, then I wouldn't let him play these mind games with you (perhaps being there for you emotionally once in a while and hoping that's enough to hook you again).
After over a year of false R when you were "hearing" the right things, but the "actions" were all sorts of wrong, I would be nervous that you are now hanging onto a fantasy of what he might become and not actually looking at who he really is.. I'm going to guess you don't want another false R, so I think things should be feeling vastly different for you this time and that you really believe he is being genuine in wanting to fix himself and the marriage.. Obviously counseling wasn't enough last time.. If it feels like you might be falling into the same old traps and manipulation, then I would recommended getting your emotional support from anyone else but him. He can't just "want" you to trust him again. He has to "EARN" it..
You initially asked, "How do I let go?" This kind of tells me that you can't and don't want to try to trust him anymore. I'm not sure of exactly how you let go, but going strict No Contact besides the kids and finances is a must to even try to start letting go..
I moved out and 2 hours away after the god-knows-how-many d-day, but I would go back and stay in the marital home when I was back in town to take care of odds & ends. My DS was still living at home, so I used that as an excuse. We went out to dinner as a family, went on errands together, etc. When my car broke down on the highway, he was the first one I called (even though he was 200 miles away.) He told me he 'really wasn't seeing' the OW; I don't know what that meant in his mind, because they talked all the time (I still had access to his phone records.)
He would have never divorced; he wanted me to wait till he 'got over' the OW. (I'd still be waiting...) but I pushed the D through. I still went back and forth to the house after the D. I even stayed with him when he had an attack of kidney stones so DS could go visit his gf.
I finally was able to break free when he went to visit the OW's family that summer after the D. This was after telling me repeatedly that they 'really weren't seeing each other'. I got furious--the kind of 'if I had a baseball bat, he'd be dead' anger That did it; that forced me to wake up.
It's a process. I wish I had been strong enough to just stop on my own, but it was something I had to go through, and I suspect you will too. Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone processes differently.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
I agree with Butterfly girl. she is spot on.
Staying busy, doing things with friends, exploring new hobbies (I became a painter!)
I read a ton about affairs, NPD, other personality disorders, sociopaths, etc. It helped me to understand that even though he was telling me that he wanted to make things work, I deserved someone so much better.
It's tough, but NC is really the best way to go. Stop talking on the phone to him. You are just opening up old wounds and you can't heal that way.
You can do it!!! I know there is so much happiness in store for you. If you do the work, 5 years (or less) from now, you will look back on this and wonder why you ever missed such a person as your life will be so much better!
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
That said,lease know that time will do you no good and it won't help heal the wounds if you keep picking at the scab. That's not a criticism so please don't take it that way. As you can see, we've all been there.
What helped me to go NC except for necessary kid issues was the realization that talking to him always made me feel worse. I never felt good after we spoke. It made me feel sad and angry and it made all those feelings come back ten fold. See how you feel next time you talk to him - I will bet you will feel the same.
Realizing that is very hard and it can be scary. It forces you to break that last connection that you may have. It's not easy and feelings don't just turn off like we sometimes wish. But, as you maintain this new pattern and you commit to NC, you will feel yourself start to detach. I remember crying one day to my IC and telling her that I was starting to forget him. I will obviously always remember my former husband and the father of my kids, but I felt myself pulling away to the point where I forgot exactly now he sounded, his smell, what made him laugh. All of that went into a vault so that I could heal. I still haven't let that part out and have built up a pretty big wall, but to me, it was the only way to get through. The alternative, that constant chit chat as though we are still part of each others lives, that only hurts us more.
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. We all remember those days, but we can also all say that it will get better. Not tomorrow and not the next day. But one day you will notice that you don't love him anymore. You loved him once. But you will come to see that this man, the man who lied and betrayed your trust so much - he doesn't deserve your love and you will no longer be willing to give it to someone like him.