Don't forget that.
I don't understand why she did what she did but know that her intentions were good and forgive her.
Hmm, I kind of understand. I understand in regards because of this:
a person who has been shown to be untrustworthy may not be qualified to lead the organization and if more people find out about his behavior, they may lose supporters.
Anyway, I may be in the minority, but I really do not see any fault in this with regards to your friend. The bottom, bottom line is that had he not messed around she would have no story to tell. It is the risk that he signed up for when he chose to engage in an affair.
there are consequences.
Suffering the consequences of his behavior will enable your WH to truly understand the errors of his ways and hopefully cause him to correct his behavior.
I believe that the harder they fall, the more they learn. Maybe it would not be such a horrible thing for your WH to lose his job.
Advice....do your very best to hold your head high. If all becomes public, say as little as possible until the storm passes.
Sorry that you are dealing with this. It i exactly why I told only my IC and decided to struggle through the fallout of infidelity on my own. It was difficult but I have no regrets about that.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I have suspicions! He's up to something, I can feel it....
But, the bottom line is, your H created this mess, it's ALL on him.
If you do not want others to find out then don't do it...
Only person he has to blame is himself. If he isn't proud of his choices then he should have made better ones. Like choosing to not be a lying cheating adulterer.
Amen to what everyone else has said. The pig who cheated on me is very well known in the community - even serves on the board of the organization that the woman he has been having the affair with, works for. That's pretty ballsy.
He's the one that made the choice to cheat, whatever consequences there are, they are his to bear.
You did nothing wrong. This was not your fault. People will form whatever opinions they will, but you know in your heart, that YOU have integrity, your conscience is clear and that you are an honorable woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your WH has been living in a fantasy world and by doing so he has risked all you hold dear. Your position is compromised by his behavior and Im guessing more people know about his affairs than you realize. With high profile people the story is bound to come out sometime.
Perhaps this will be just the thing to wake him up out of his fantasy world. If not, he is the one who puts you most at risk and you may wish to plan accordingly.
WH is angry at my friend (understandably).
Why? Because she didn't join in the cover up? He expects integrity from others but those rules don't apply to him?
He lies to her, he lies to you and yet he is still entitled to her keeping his secrets? For your sake, she may have been willing to.
My friend feels horrible, I don't understand why she did what she did but know that her intentions were good and forgive her
She acted in a way that she believed you supported. You say here that you want people to know BUT not for him to face any 'big' consequences. There is a disconnect there that could be confusing to someone you vent/lean on.
people who knew about his multiple LTAs were still treating him the same
People rugsweep it. Ignore it and pretend all is fine.
Or they deal with it.
- a person who has been shown to be untrustworthy may not be qualified to lead the organization and if more people find out about his behavior
Which do you want? He needs some consequence but not too much?
Nothing is on the table that is not the truth. WH might actually face a consequence.
But then again, he may not. Just like the people who know and did nothing. This may also come to nothing.
Whatever your damage control is, it should not include lying or covering up for him.
'Working on our marriage is THE priority and that is where we choose to put our effort rather in a public discussion of infidelity'.
He can refuse to discuss it but if your WH lies to keep his positions, I just see that as a continuation with the affair mindset. NOT good for R. He should work up some of the empathy and acceptance that he expects from others for your friend.
And for that matter, for you as well.
I feel judged also. I have no idea how many people know at this point.
What is the worth of a friend, neighbor or stranger that would judge you based upon your H's behavior?
If something actually happens in a more public way, you will find out who your real fiends are. In so many ways that is a good thing. Feel confident that you are human worthy of healthy treatment by your H, family and friends. And to 'let go' of toxic people who are not friend of the marriage or you. You can not change them. But you can control who you let into your world or not.
Use this opportunity to draw firm boundaries and defend them.
With your H, with your friend and with others in the community.
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
Your WH is responsible. He had the affairs. If his dirty little secret gets aired so be it. He took that risk when he chose to cheat. You have no obligations to keep his secret for him.
This is a consequence of his - your WH's - actions. Period. Had he not cheated, none of this would be happening. That is the bottom line.
He didn't think about other people finding out when he was dicking the OW. He didn't care enough about any fallout. He didn't care enough what would happen and continued his most recent relationship with the OW.
He needs to own it, all you did was tell someone else the truth. Then she did the same.