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Tear posted 7/4/2013 01:25 AM

since finding out about affair i have secret key loggers on our home computer and now i see he is on porn any time he is home alone.......what am i to do???? can't come out because them he'll know about keylogger......help?

Nature_Girl posted 7/4/2013 01:38 AM

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a toughie. My STBX is also addicted to porn. It's devastating.

I suggest that you educate yourself about porn & sex addiction. I also urge you with every fiber of my being to get yourself into IC and start healing the your wounded heart. Please do this, it makes all the difference if you have a good IC who can support you.

There are organizations, websites & books which can walk you through porn & sex addiction, as well as get you thinking about what YOU need to help yourself. Often the partner of an addict spends WAY too much time & energy trying to fix the addict, rather than heal themselves.

Good luck!

struggling16 posted 7/4/2013 07:46 AM

Porn was the gateway to the A for my WH. He went to strip clubs and, I suspect, went to escorts (he denies this). He used porn for years, stayed up all night with it and was absolutely mentally and physically exhausted the next day. I begged him to examine the damage it was doing to our relationship. He simply got enraged and acted out in other ways. (I didn't know until after Dday that he was using my insurance to buy cialis in order masturbate.)I was fully aware that he would use me after being stimulated by the porn and my self-esteem was destroyed.

In retrospect, I should have sought counseling for myself in order to deal with the pain. As it was, I just became super-independent and contemptuous of my H. I wish I had dealt with it in therapy.

Since Dday he has gone cold turkey on the porn. It's not a part of his life and he's a functioning husband again. Prior to the A he always thought he was right about everything. He was arrogant and refused to entertain the possibility that other people might have legitimate concerns differences. Dday truly changed that. It is one reason I'm still in the M: His commitment to repairing and reconciling.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 1:37 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

solus sto posted 7/4/2013 12:36 PM

While I'm not outright anti-porn, I do believe it is a "gateway drug" for escalating acting out.

For my husband, it was among the first steps that led down a terrible, destructive path.

It was terribly destructive to ME, as well as to him. When pornography occupies a place of such importance in a person's life, it impinges on normal, healthy sexual relationships. If it hasn't yet, it likely will.

With this in mind, I would initiate a conversation about your relationship and boundaries with him.

You don't have to have keylogger evidence to know that something is amiss. You are an intelligent woman whose husband has been absent, on some level, from the marriage due to his compulsive (or near-compulsive) pornography use.

So, saying something like, "I feel as though there's a barrier between us. I have noticed you're on the computer a lot more than usual <or any other behaviors you've noticed>. You're not as engaged in our marriage, and our sex life <describe changes you've noticed.> This hurts me. And I think it is due to increased use of pornography. When porn affects our life as a couple, it is a problem we both need to address."

He will lie. He will deny. Be prepared for that.

I wish I'd laid down the law about 20 years ago. Porn was the least of my worries, but back then it was "just porn." It escalated. If I'd known to require counseling with a CSAT, life might have been different. It might NOT have been, but it would have at least given my husband, me, and our marriage a fighting chance.

Please don't let this slide. At the very least, you need to know whether porn use is benign or symptomatic of something that is going to---or already has started to---escalate.

Addiction is easier to manage when caught and addressed early.

Millions of hugs to you.

Skan posted 7/4/2013 15:08 PM

Get on the computer, go to the History, open his history, take a screen shot (or use your camera to take a picture), hold your nose and click on some of the sites, take photos, and then confront him. You found it out because you checked the history on the machine! At a time stamp when he was on it!

Jennifer99 posted 7/4/2013 15:16 PM

And if it is not in the history because of "private" or "incognito" or whatever it is called you might want to see if you can look at your IP history on your providers website.

I know I could at one time. I'm still trying to figure out how I did it.

whatlysbeneath posted 7/4/2013 15:37 PM

Tear,

IMHO, any use of porn is equivalent to an emotional ONS.

You could ask him if he still uses porn without revealing the keylogger.

This will serve two purposes, it will keep your keylogger secret and his answer will let you know if he is truthful.

[This message edited by whatlysbeneath at 3:38 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

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