"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Nogoingback posted 7/4/2013 03:47 AM

Our conversation last night, I asked WS if she still has feelings for OW.
She said no. Not like they were. But she thinks indifference is the goal and she's not there yet.
She has previously said "I still care about her" and "I don't hate her"

I know it doesn't help with me pointing things out and hoping my WS will wake up, but I couldn't help it and I said how toxic she was to her life, and that she (OW) was no friend, it was not true love, because it was selfish and she helped WS to destroy her life and her marriage.
She agreed and said "I'm sure you're right".
She also apologised about me having to feel like this.

But she never gets to these epiphanies on her own and really isn't actively going to IC (3x this year).
We have had no sex life since nearly a year ago.

I have given her a time limit of 3 months (until her birthday) and said if our relationship isn't heading where I want it to be at that time, then I really can't hang in here any longer.
What the hell do I have to do to put a firecracker up her and get her moving?
I really love the day to day stuff about our relationship and I don't want to break up with her.

I also don't want to get to 5 years post DD and go.... why the hell did I waste my life waiting?

Jpapageorge posted 7/4/2013 04:18 AM

I seem to be a little short-fused tonight but,

She agreed and said "I'm sure you're right".

is not agreeing it is copping out.(IMHO) If your WS cannot see that the OW is toxic and a selfish user, nothing you say will sink in.

She also apologised about me having to feel like this.

This also sounds like a cop out and the only reason she is apologizing is that she got caught. If your WS had not been caught everything would be OK and you would not "feel like this." How about apologizing for having an affair?

Why give her three months? Why not demand that she show immediate changes now? Forget wondering about wasting time five years from now, you deserve a fully committed spouse TODAY.

You can try to put a whole box of bottle rockets up her behind but, until she decides to commit to you on her own, you are only wasting precious gunpowder.

I can see how you would really love the day to day stuff of your relationship- uncertainty, heartache, pain caused by her, not having a partner there all the time to help raise your child and no sex for a year. Golly, that sounds like fun.

Please stand up for yourself and for the relationship you deserve.

Dare2Trust posted 7/10/2013 17:51 PM

Nogoingback,

Your D-Day was over a year ago.

---Your WS still refuses to engage in ongoing therapy/counseling.
---She still appears to have some feelings for the OW. ---Does she still work with this OW? IF so - how is she handling the "work relationship"...is she being NO CONTACT at work?
---From your post: I assume the lack of an active sex life with WS is her choice, not your's: Is this correct?

SO, what do you anticipate changing in the next 3 months?
Do you truly believe your WS will become totally indifferent towards OW? That your WS will begins consistent, ongong therapy/counseling to address her affair issues?
Do you believe your WS will become romantically, sexually involved in your relationship again within this 3 months?

What are your real expectations - what changes to you really expect from your WS at the end of these 3 months?

Personally, I'd end any concentration on the OW - and concentrate on: EXACTLY what is your WS doing to FIX this mess she's made; and what your WS is doing to help you heal...and to show that she really, truly wants to reconcile this relationship.
From your posts - I'm not seeing much, if any efforts towards "reconciliation" from your WS.

I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through.