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Newest Member: Time2Change14 (46037)

User Topic: The saga continues -ds & dil-not infidelity related
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know why I'm posting this; I guess I just need to get it out.

DS & DIL moved to GA several months ago when DS got a fabulous new job, which he loves. It's one of those dream jobs that doesn't come along often; he didn't even seek it out-the company approached him. He is on a fast track to a great future with this company.

DIL is a nurse; she hates it-never wanted to pursue it but her parents pushed her into it. The only part that she likes is that she's specializing in labor & delivery and has been able to get a position doing this in a hospital 5 minutes from their new home. She isn't working her shift yet-still in training, and she's evidently taking a lot of sick time. As you know, she's pregnant-just 8 weeks. This is impacting her income.

The kids still have a house in NM that they've not been able to sell, and they're renting a place in GA for almost the same cost, so it's draining them financially. DIL says she loves GA; coming from NM, she adores the greenery and they live 5 minutes from a large lake.

Now DIL desperately wants to move back to NM to be near her family. DS just told me last night that it's costing him $1600 to register his vehicle in GA. They are at the very ends of their financial rope. He is blaming himself; he does suffer from light depression and anxiety and takes medication for it, but he was despondent last night. A big part of their problem is that he will give into anything to make her happy, even if they don't have the money. I won't go into what she did to him because I want to keep this in OT...

He says he's going to have to quit his job and move back to NM. They still have the house there, but they still have to pay the mortgage. Job prospects are not very good; they did love him at his previous position, but they didn't treat him very well (large corporate hospital.) I don't know if he's planning to approach them for a job or not.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting this. He hasn't asked me for advice; he's just miserable. This is not our normal dynamic-he usually comes to me for advice and his father for comfort. I feel lost. I can't and won't interject myself in their lives; I can't offer to help them financially, and I don't think i should either. I did lend them $1500 for the deposit on their rental, and I don't expect it back, but I think that is making him feel bad too. Now I have the X calling me about this; he's furious at DIL and upset about DS wanting to give up the good job. I told him to stay out of it; just be supportive when DS calls. It's putting me into a weird dynamic; it's sort of comforting to talk to the X about our son; he's an only child and had been the main focus of our life and marriage. I'm feeling very weird about this dynamic; I don't really want it, but like I said, it feels almost comforting.

Ugh. I'm pretty lost right now. I have some really good things going on in my life that are going to take a lot of my energy in the next few months. I'm still dealing with my mother slipping into dementia. I just don't know...


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20559 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ 26651
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sad & DS)))


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/34 The kidlets: DS14, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11595 | Registered: Dec 2009
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sad))))

Would it make you feel better to do something in this situation?

Maybe offering to be his safe place to vent?


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2819 | Registered: Jan 2010
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sad)))
(((DS)))

Posts: 36806 | Registered: Mar 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrys--he knows that I'm his safe place to vent. I know he's embarrassed by the fact that he can't pay me back, which I've told him I don't expect. I didn't mention that DIL wanted a Mustang, which he bought for her and this is also contributing to the money issues. He will do anything for her, even to their detriment. I thought I taught him better; he's just as much at fault.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20559 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ 26651
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he may be responsible for part of it, I have to wonder if the depression/anxiety plays into it. Maybe he's afraid if he doesn't do XYZ she is going to leave him??? I am so sad for your DS and for their baby...DIL seems so materialistic


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/34 The kidlets: DS14, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11595 | Registered: Dec 2009
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sad & DS))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26516 | Registered: Aug 2011
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He picked her and they are both grown-ups, although she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Still. He picked her.

What a mess. Sorry he put you in this position but I totally get it.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17796 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
wincing_at_light
♂ 14393
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any answers for your situation, Sad, but I wanted to say that you sound like such a great mom. You're handling this exactly the way I'd like to think my own mom would.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
letitout
♀ 38288
Member # 38288
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, your feeling a lot of emotions for your DS right now and I don't think it would be weird to find it comforting to talk to your x about it. After all you both raised him and as you said he was the focus of your lives. Is this weird feeling getting in the way of other parts of your life?


BW 55, WH 64
2 years of prostitutes.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: California
jrc1963
♀ 26531
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SAD))) and (((SAD's DS)))


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24750 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
meaniemouse
♀ 10798
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with your ex-- giving up a good job that your son loves with a great future, especially in these uncertain economic times doesn't make much sense. I know it's not a great solution but maybe he should stay there and let her go back to NM to see if she can rent their home there and stay with her family. Maybe she's just homesick and the PG hormones are making it worse. Financial problems do suck and they can make anyone miserable, especially someone prone to depression/anxiety. Plus they've had a lot of changes in the recent past and that is stressful too. Frankly, they would be pretty odd if they weren't having some issues. And, if he has a good job and she has a career as well--even if they are on shaky financial ground right now it's unlikely that it will stay that way if they can do some things now to stop the financial bleeding.

Sad--I have a 30-year-old and two in their 20s. Their generation has been raised by parents who were lucky enough to be young in a time where jobs were plentiful and the economy was booming so we were pretty successful in a lot of ways. They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.

I have helped all of mine financially and in other ways way too much and at this point I'm really not able to do it anymore because I could put my own future at risk.

I think more than anything they just want reassurance from us that it's going to work out, that we believe they are smart enough to figure things out, that many of their cohort is experiencing the same things and that "this too shall pass."

As far as your DS being willing to do anything to please his wife--I'm clueless about what to do about that. Like others have said, he made his choice and as parents, we should stay out of it but I know it is awfully hard to stand by and watch your precious child hurting--no matter how old s/he is.

It's like my grandfather used to say, when your kids are little they step on your toes; when they get big they step on your heart. I hope that things fall into place for them soon because I SO know what it is like to be in your shoes.

Hugs.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2146 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the kind words; I'm still hanging back. The original plan was that she would stay in NM until the house was sold, but she was so unhappy. She was able to find the job in GA, so they changed the plan-and she got pregnant. As desperate as she was to get to GA, now she's desperate to get back to NM. I know a lot of it is hormones and homesickness.

She's not a bad person by any means; just immature. She's 27 though.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20559 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Mama_of_3_Kids
♀ 26651
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure she's not a bad person, but she's going to have to learn very quickly that with a baby on the way she cannot continue to change the plan on a whim or because something else looks more desirable. No idea on how to get her to see that though You're a great mom, Sad


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/34 The kidlets: DS14, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11595 | Registered: Dec 2009
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Sad))))) ((((((DS)))))) ((((DIL)))))



I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5744 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
painpaingoaway
♀ 27196
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Sad, it makes me sad that you are sad.

It hurts so much when our kids are hurting and there is nothing we can do to help.

And, of course, to top it all off, you are also in the 'sandwich'. Dealing with kid problems and and elder parent problems right at the time of life when we hoped we could enjoy our new found freedom. Sucks.

((((Sad, DS, DIL))))



me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 34 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7161 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Gottagetthrough
27325
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.

spot on

Sad, I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this. You are a great mom and you are doing the right thing being there for your DS to vent to when life gets heavy.

I agree with PP who said DIL will have to learn that with baby coming, you cant just change the game plan on a whim. I am sure she will. 8 weeks pregnant I was crying and sleeping and eating and that was about it. Hoping that her wishing to go back to NM is just pregnancy hormones.

And babies make depression and anxiety more difficult, especially considering there has been a big move and job change, too. Please tell your son to talk to a professional, perhaps the DIL and your DS can go together.

((HUGS))


Posts: 1437 | Registered: Jan 2010
leapyearbaby
♀ 24902
Member # 24902
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our kids are our kids and we worry about them until we are gone.

My oldest daughter, very mature and sensible, just quit a very good job at the VA to move to the armpit of the US, for the sake of her partner. I am managing to keep my mouth shut and say what positive things I can, but I know how you feel.


me BS the Big 6-0!!
him WS 56
married 28 years
together 31
DD 6/10/08
ow #1,2 lta on and off since 1995
ow 3 ons summer 2005
2 D, mine from prior marriage, but he raised them
R'ing...probably not....but then again, maybe....


Posts: 1375 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Colorado
Topic Posts: 18

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