DS & DIL moved to GA several months ago when DS got a fabulous new job, which he loves. It's one of those dream jobs that doesn't come along often; he didn't even seek it out-the company approached him. He is on a fast track to a great future with this company.
DIL is a nurse; she hates it-never wanted to pursue it but her parents pushed her into it. The only part that she likes is that she's specializing in labor & delivery and has been able to get a position doing this in a hospital 5 minutes from their new home. She isn't working her shift yet-still in training, and she's evidently taking a lot of sick time. As you know, she's pregnant-just 8 weeks. This is impacting her income.
The kids still have a house in NM that they've not been able to sell, and they're renting a place in GA for almost the same cost, so it's draining them financially. DIL says she loves GA; coming from NM, she adores the greenery and they live 5 minutes from a large lake.
Now DIL desperately wants to move back to NM to be near her family. DS just told me last night that it's costing him $1600 to register his vehicle in GA. They are at the very ends of their financial rope. He is blaming himself; he does suffer from light depression and anxiety and takes medication for it, but he was despondent last night. A big part of their problem is that he will give into anything to make her happy, even if they don't have the money. I won't go into what she did to him because I want to keep this in OT...
He says he's going to have to quit his job and move back to NM. They still have the house there, but they still have to pay the mortgage. Job prospects are not very good; they did love him at his previous position, but they didn't treat him very well (large corporate hospital.) I don't know if he's planning to approach them for a job or not.
Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting this. He hasn't asked me for advice; he's just miserable. This is not our normal dynamic-he usually comes to me for advice and his father for comfort. I feel lost. I can't and won't interject myself in their lives; I can't offer to help them financially, and I don't think i should either. I did lend them $1500 for the deposit on their rental, and I don't expect it back, but I think that is making him feel bad too. Now I have the X calling me about this; he's furious at DIL and upset about DS wanting to give up the good job. I told him to stay out of it; just be supportive when DS calls. It's putting me into a weird dynamic; it's sort of comforting to talk to the X about our son; he's an only child and had been the main focus of our life and marriage. I'm feeling very weird about this dynamic; I don't really want it, but like I said, it feels almost comforting.
Ugh. I'm pretty lost right now. I have some really good things going on in my life that are going to take a lot of my energy in the next few months. I'm still dealing with my mother slipping into dementia. I just don't know...
Would it make you feel better to do something in this situation?
Maybe offering to be his safe place to vent?
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
Still. He picked her.
What a mess. Sorry he put you in this position but I totally get it.
Sad--I have a 30-year-old and two in their 20s. Their generation has been raised by parents who were lucky enough to be young in a time where jobs were plentiful and the economy was booming so we were pretty successful in a lot of ways. They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.
I have helped all of mine financially and in other ways way too much and at this point I'm really not able to do it anymore because I could put my own future at risk.
I think more than anything they just want reassurance from us that it's going to work out, that we believe they are smart enough to figure things out, that many of their cohort is experiencing the same things and that "this too shall pass."
As far as your DS being willing to do anything to please his wife--I'm clueless about what to do about that. Like others have said, he made his choice and as parents, we should stay out of it but I know it is awfully hard to stand by and watch your precious child hurting--no matter how old s/he is.
It's like my grandfather used to say, when your kids are little they step on your toes; when they get big they step on your heart. I hope that things fall into place for them soon because I SO know what it is like to be in your shoes.
She's not a bad person by any means; just immature. She's 27 though.
It hurts so much when our kids are hurting and there is nothing we can do to help.
And, of course, to top it all off, you are also in the 'sandwich'. Dealing with kid problems and and elder parent problems right at the time of life when we hoped we could enjoy our new found freedom. Sucks.
((((Sad, DS, DIL))))
They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.
Sad, I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this. You are a great mom and you are doing the right thing being there for your DS to vent to when life gets heavy.
I agree with PP who said DIL will have to learn that with baby coming, you cant just change the game plan on a whim. I am sure she will. 8 weeks pregnant I was crying and sleeping and eating and that was about it. Hoping that her wishing to go back to NM is just pregnancy hormones.
And babies make depression and anxiety more difficult, especially considering there has been a big move and job change, too. Please tell your son to talk to a professional, perhaps the DIL and your DS can go together.
My oldest daughter, very mature and sensible, just quit a very good job at the VA to move to the armpit of the US, for the sake of her partner. I am managing to keep my mouth shut and say what positive things I can, but I know how you feel.