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The saga continues -ds & dil-not infidelity related

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Sad in AZ posted 7/4/2013 06:15 AM

I don't even know why I'm posting this; I guess I just need to get it out.

DS & DIL moved to GA several months ago when DS got a fabulous new job, which he loves. It's one of those dream jobs that doesn't come along often; he didn't even seek it out-the company approached him. He is on a fast track to a great future with this company.

DIL is a nurse; she hates it-never wanted to pursue it but her parents pushed her into it. The only part that she likes is that she's specializing in labor & delivery and has been able to get a position doing this in a hospital 5 minutes from their new home. She isn't working her shift yet-still in training, and she's evidently taking a lot of sick time. As you know, she's pregnant-just 8 weeks. This is impacting her income.

The kids still have a house in NM that they've not been able to sell, and they're renting a place in GA for almost the same cost, so it's draining them financially. DIL says she loves GA; coming from NM, she adores the greenery and they live 5 minutes from a large lake.

Now DIL desperately wants to move back to NM to be near her family. DS just told me last night that it's costing him $1600 to register his vehicle in GA. They are at the very ends of their financial rope. He is blaming himself; he does suffer from light depression and anxiety and takes medication for it, but he was despondent last night. A big part of their problem is that he will give into anything to make her happy, even if they don't have the money. I won't go into what she did to him because I want to keep this in OT...

He says he's going to have to quit his job and move back to NM. They still have the house there, but they still have to pay the mortgage. Job prospects are not very good; they did love him at his previous position, but they didn't treat him very well (large corporate hospital.) I don't know if he's planning to approach them for a job or not.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm posting this. He hasn't asked me for advice; he's just miserable. This is not our normal dynamic-he usually comes to me for advice and his father for comfort. I feel lost. I can't and won't interject myself in their lives; I can't offer to help them financially, and I don't think i should either. I did lend them $1500 for the deposit on their rental, and I don't expect it back, but I think that is making him feel bad too. Now I have the X calling me about this; he's furious at DIL and upset about DS wanting to give up the good job. I told him to stay out of it; just be supportive when DS calls. It's putting me into a weird dynamic; it's sort of comforting to talk to the X about our son; he's an only child and had been the main focus of our life and marriage. I'm feeling very weird about this dynamic; I don't really want it, but like I said, it feels almost comforting.

Ugh. I'm pretty lost right now. I have some really good things going on in my life that are going to take a lot of my energy in the next few months. I'm still dealing with my mother slipping into dementia. I just don't know...

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/4/2013 08:35 AM

(((Sad & DS)))

Chrysalis123 posted 7/4/2013 09:07 AM


Would it make you feel better to do something in this situation?

Maybe offering to be his safe place to vent?

jo2love posted 7/4/2013 10:09 AM


Sad in AZ posted 7/4/2013 10:13 AM

Chrys--he knows that I'm his safe place to vent. I know he's embarrassed by the fact that he can't pay me back, which I've told him I don't expect. I didn't mention that DIL wanted a Mustang, which he bought for her and this is also contributing to the money issues. He will do anything for her, even to their detriment. I thought I taught him better; he's just as much at fault.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/4/2013 10:18 AM

While he may be responsible for part of it, I have to wonder if the depression/anxiety plays into it. Maybe he's afraid if he doesn't do XYZ she is going to leave him??? I am so sad for your DS and for their baby...DIL seems so materialistic

nowiknow23 posted 7/4/2013 10:28 AM

((((Sad & DS))))

FaithFool posted 7/4/2013 10:46 AM

He picked her and they are both grown-ups, although she sounds like a spoiled brat.

Still. He picked her.

What a mess. Sorry he put you in this position but I totally get it.

wincing_at_light posted 7/4/2013 10:47 AM

I don't have any answers for your situation, Sad, but I wanted to say that you sound like such a great mom. You're handling this exactly the way I'd like to think my own mom would.

letitout posted 7/4/2013 12:56 PM

Sad, your feeling a lot of emotions for your DS right now and I don't think it would be weird to find it comforting to talk to your x about it. After all you both raised him and as you said he was the focus of your lives. Is this weird feeling getting in the way of other parts of your life?

jrc1963 posted 7/4/2013 13:08 PM

(((SAD))) and (((SAD's DS)))

meaniemouse posted 7/4/2013 14:51 PM

I have to agree with your ex-- giving up a good job that your son loves with a great future, especially in these uncertain economic times doesn't make much sense. I know it's not a great solution but maybe he should stay there and let her go back to NM to see if she can rent their home there and stay with her family. Maybe she's just homesick and the PG hormones are making it worse. Financial problems do suck and they can make anyone miserable, especially someone prone to depression/anxiety. Plus they've had a lot of changes in the recent past and that is stressful too. Frankly, they would be pretty odd if they weren't having some issues. And, if he has a good job and she has a career as well--even if they are on shaky financial ground right now it's unlikely that it will stay that way if they can do some things now to stop the financial bleeding.

Sad--I have a 30-year-old and two in their 20s. Their generation has been raised by parents who were lucky enough to be young in a time where jobs were plentiful and the economy was booming so we were pretty successful in a lot of ways. They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.

I have helped all of mine financially and in other ways way too much and at this point I'm really not able to do it anymore because I could put my own future at risk.

I think more than anything they just want reassurance from us that it's going to work out, that we believe they are smart enough to figure things out, that many of their cohort is experiencing the same things and that "this too shall pass."

As far as your DS being willing to do anything to please his wife--I'm clueless about what to do about that. Like others have said, he made his choice and as parents, we should stay out of it but I know it is awfully hard to stand by and watch your precious child hurting--no matter how old s/he is.

It's like my grandfather used to say, when your kids are little they step on your toes; when they get big they step on your heart. I hope that things fall into place for them soon because I SO know what it is like to be in your shoes.


Sad in AZ posted 7/4/2013 18:10 PM

Thanks for the kind words; I'm still hanging back. The original plan was that she would stay in NM until the house was sold, but she was so unhappy. She was able to find the job in GA, so they changed the plan-and she got pregnant. As desperate as she was to get to GA, now she's desperate to get back to NM. I know a lot of it is hormones and homesickness.

She's not a bad person by any means; just immature. She's 27 though.

Mama_of_3_Kids posted 7/4/2013 23:27 PM

I'm sure she's not a bad person, but she's going to have to learn very quickly that with a baby on the way she cannot continue to change the plan on a whim or because something else looks more desirable. No idea on how to get her to see that though You're a great mom, Sad

Kajem posted 7/6/2013 14:04 PM

(((((Sad))))) ((((((DS)))))) ((((DIL)))))

painpaingoaway posted 7/6/2013 15:22 PM

Oh Sad, it makes me sad that you are sad.

It hurts so much when our kids are hurting and there is nothing we can do to help.

And, of course, to top it all off, you are also in the 'sandwich'. Dealing with kid problems and and elder parent problems right at the time of life when we hoped we could enjoy our new found freedom. Sucks.

((((Sad, DS, DIL))))

Gottagetthrough posted 7/6/2013 16:59 PM

They grew up with way more resources than we had (not just financial but emotional, thank to us, their parents) and I'm sure thought with college degrees and the support of their parents they would be able to create a life like we did but that just isn't their reality. Frankly, a lot of 20 and 30-somethings are anxious and depressed.

spot on

Sad, I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this. You are a great mom and you are doing the right thing being there for your DS to vent to when life gets heavy.

I agree with PP who said DIL will have to learn that with baby coming, you cant just change the game plan on a whim. I am sure she will. 8 weeks pregnant I was crying and sleeping and eating and that was about it. Hoping that her wishing to go back to NM is just pregnancy hormones.

And babies make depression and anxiety more difficult, especially considering there has been a big move and job change, too. Please tell your son to talk to a professional, perhaps the DIL and your DS can go together.


leapyearbaby posted 7/8/2013 23:21 PM

Our kids are our kids and we worry about them until we are gone.

My oldest daughter, very mature and sensible, just quit a very good job at the VA to move to the armpit of the US, for the sake of her partner. I am managing to keep my mouth shut and say what positive things I can, but I know how you feel.

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