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Ready for 180, boundries, consequences

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tennis26 posted 7/4/2013 06:43 AM

I am 6 weeks out from DDay and this is my first new topic post. Thanks SI for letting me read and absorb so much support.

I found out about the A from the OW's H in an email - the most shocking, paralyzing feeling came over me. I had no idea he was such a good liar and so deceitful even manipulative. We started MC during the A (when I had no clue) because he said he wasn't happy and didn't think I was happy. I was already hurting from thinking I wasn't a good wife when I got the email about the A.

So after I found out, I demanded NC and demanded all access and that he call her with me on the phone and tell her it was over. At first he said OK, gave me his email passwords, let me see his phone. But when it came time to make the call - he wanted to wait until the next day. I said OK but he'd have to give me his phone and not touch a computer until then. He turned irrational and couldn't do it.

He promises there's NC although they work together so that's highly unlikely. He claimed to me and the MC that he cannot give all access because of his PTSD developed during a lawsuit when everyone was looking into his stuff, examining him, judging him, accusing him of business stuff.

So I am ready for 180. I am an emotional mess and he does not comfort me, does not show the remorse I need AND I have no idea if the A is over or just gone underground.

I told him I wouldn't be going to the MC appt next week, but I'll be going to IC. HE needs to go to IC and work on giving me all access (if we believe the PTSD excuse) and figure out why he wants to stay and why the A happened.

I have let go of trying to make him see how much he's hurt me and how despicable his acts are. It doesn't help ME to see that he doesn't seem to care very much. Now I have my moments of tears when the sadness hits or I figure out another deceptive moment in time and it makes me break down - but not in front of him. I also have very little time to myself with 4 kids ranging from 3 to 14. The littlest is up at 5AM and the oldest goes to bed after me. Its exhausting hiding how I feel all the time!

I am working on list of dealbreakers, boundaries and consequences to give him in writing but its so hard. He is still sleeping in our bed (the first couple of nights he was on the couch) and we have been intimate 2-3 times since this happened but I don't know if that's good or bad for me??? Am I doing that for him or me?

I am so sorry for all the other BS out there that have their WS just leave for the OP. But at the same time I wonder if that's easier and less exhausting that having them stay and half-heartedly try to fix things.

movingforward13 posted 7/4/2013 07:41 AM

He isn't giving you any access... His affair is underground. When a spouse is truly sorry, they will do everything possible to make you feel safe. Since they still work together, they still see each other, which means it is easier for them to carry on. He isn't doing anything to help you. I would file for divorce. His response to you filing will show you whether or not you should continue to spend time on this.

jjct posted 7/4/2013 09:45 AM

Re intimacy. It happens. Don't beat yourself up.

Time for the STD tests now though. Sorry. Gotta do it.
If he's not remorseful, transparent, honest, & if he's still in contact - further intimacy is probably not good for you. Be strong.

I'm glad you're ready for the 180.
It really works.
Because it's for you.
Read it. Live it. Love it.
Sending strength and hugs sister.
You can do this!

Edith posted 7/4/2013 10:04 AM

Hi Tennis! I am so sorry you find yourself here.

He claimed to me and the MC that he cannot give all access because of his PTSD developed during a lawsuit when everyone was looking into his stuff, examining him, judging him, accusing him of business stuff.

I'm sure you realize this is just an excuse to avoid transparency. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

because he said he wasn't happy and didn't think I was happy. I was already hurting from thinking I wasn't a good wife

I was in a very similar situation. His lies broke me down and cut me to the core. I thought his unhappiness was all my fault, and even though I knew he was texting/talking on the phone with skank, I was to blame because I was inadequate. This simply enables their A behavior. Turns out, skank was actually telling my H that I did not love him... Yes, really. And he believed it.

You are a wise lady to start the 180 and start looking out for yourself. Stopping MC would be my advice too, since my H lied to the MC about being no contact. Not doing MC in those early months would have saved me a great deal of pain.

Is there some way you can find some help with your children? You have your hands full, my dear. Take good care.


tennis26 posted 7/4/2013 10:40 AM

Yes - I have an appt for STD tests next week and I'm praying they are OK.

Thanks for the advice. I am not ready to file for D but I have a lawyer to contact so I can be ready.

I was trying to ignore the blatant signs that he's still lying but I am facing the facts now. I might need to post for help with the 180!

As for the kids - he's my biggest help but I don't want to rely on him anymore!

Skan posted 7/4/2013 12:40 PM

I'm sorry, but you NEED to rely on him with the children. Those are HIS children too, and part of the 180 is having time to yourself to figure out what YOU need.

Think about it. If you're doing all the work in the house, taking care of all of the children all the time, doing the laundry, errands, etc,. et al, why the heck should he change his ways? He has it all! Full time nursery attendant, full time housekeeper, full time home manager while he, pardon my bluntness, whores around. He has the best of two worlds home is taken care of and is there as Plan B while he goes forth to his OW for the excitement of an affair and the stimulation of the forbidden.

Ah HAIL no!

Jerk that cake-eating right out from under him. This is his chance to see what it looks like, to be a single parent. You need, IMO, to draw up a division of labor who is responsible for what chores throughout the week and who is responsible for child-care. Split it right down the middle. And when it's his turn to take care of the children, leave. Go for a walk. See your girlfriends. Sit in a park and read a book if you have to. But it's all on him without you there as the safety backup. Because that's what being a single parent looks like. And that's what he's choosing. If he refuses on the chores, then stop doing anything for him. You don't cook for him, you clean only what you dirty up, you do not do his laundry, you do nothing for him. But so sorry, those are his children and he needs to take care of them.

Yank his safety blanket right off of him. That's call consequences.

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