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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Disturbing
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if this is the right place to post this as it's not exactly infidelity related. Sometimes things SO says lately disturbs me. He says there's no use in doing kind things for people because karma gives him nothing back. This man has had bad things happen to him but he has also been blessed. He has said that cynical is the way to go because it makes no difference. I have accepted that my actions have caused this in him so I listen and try to talk. Then today we're watching Law and Order: SVU. I am obsessed with this show. The episode had a woman being physically abused and raped by her husband. In one part they convince her to go to a woman's shelter that is very strict and has a lot of rules. The woman comments that she is used to rules because her husband has so many. She has to always look pretty, never wear sloppy clothes, always wear makeup, and the house had to be so clean it was sparkling. My SO at that moment says "oh you had it so hard." I asked what he meant. He said she gets to live in this mansion, not work and has all her bills paid and all she has to do is look nice and keep the house clean. I told him yea but if she doesn't she gets beaten, if a cloth is on the table but everything else is clean he'll beat her for that. His response: well was the cloth supposed to be there. I was shocked. It seems so silly because we're arguing over a tv show but that comment disturbed me. Then I tell him he's controlling her, using her, just because he pays the bills doesn't mean he is now her master. He said that's how the guy wants to live his life and if she doesn't like it she can leave. The woman ends up getting killed after the guy yells at her to get on her knees and she doesn't. At that point I said "well I guess that's her fault because she didn't listen and get on her knees." He just smirked and said nothing. Am I being overly sensitive about something silly?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
MerryMeNot
♀ 35872
Member # 35872
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is disturbing. Do you think he really believes that or just said it to be deliberately offensive to you? It seems he baits you a lot. This latest may be part of the whole push-Unagie-to-leave-me strategy. I do think that's what he's doing.

You are clearly a very intelligent, thoughtful person....so I highly doubt you would've stayed with an obvious chauvinist/misogynist for 10 years. This is no comfort, but I think he probably said those things because he wanted to shame you (again) and also ruin your favorite show. I'm sorry.


BS - 42
my fWH - 48
M 8 yrs, together 10
his DD/my stepDD - 14
DDay September 2004; OEAs, PA that lasted 2 months

I have suspicions! He's up to something, I can feel it....


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: southeast US
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty intelligent and I'm just now catching on to WH's mental issues.

This sounds just like something he would do. I think in the last 10 years its been much more subtle, maybe things that would make me look at him with the wtf face but not disturbing. But now I've got his number he doesn't need to be so subtle anymore and just lets it all hang out.

Like MerryMeNot said - I often wonder if he is just SUCH a weeney he can't just leave he's got to push and push and push to make me do it. I just don't play the game anymore. I'm focused on what I want done asap, have everything lined up and planned out.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
MerryMeNot
♀ 35872
Member # 35872
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - didn't mean to imply that anyone who stays with a chauvinist is unintelligent!! I meant Unagie would've said something before about this if her SO was an obvious one.


BS - 42
my fWH - 48
M 8 yrs, together 10
his DD/my stepDD - 14
DDay September 2004; OEAs, PA that lasted 2 months

I have suspicions! He's up to something, I can feel it....


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: southeast US
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I didn't mean it that way Merry...I just meant to show that sometimes it can be subtle and if you love someone you give them the benefit of the doubt but when you are going through something like this sometimes you become much more objective and see things more clearly after you've learned how to be honest with yourself and how to take things for what they are, not what you want them to be.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. So he's just told you *who* he is. And as J99 alluded to....don't give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, especially considering the circumstances of your life with him recently. Seriously.

Years & years ago Michael Jordan and his wife Juanita got divorced. Sultan and I were big MJ fans and we were discussing the topic. He was just appalled and irritated that Juanita was going to get such a huge settlement in the divorce because....wait for it.....it was MJ's money. He earned it and if it weren't for him, they wouldn't even HAVE it. SHE didn't earn it. So me, in typical fashion, said WTF? And went into just what Juanita probably *contributed*...blah, blah. The subject between us kinda dropped and since Sultan hadn't 'held' his position I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured that he had *heard* me.

Between that time and Dday, Sultan made comments about our business. It was *his* business and without *him* there would BE no company. Again. I'd explain just what MY role was.....and I'd believe that he had just gotten upset, cocked off at the mouth, *understood* now, and didn't *really* think that way.

Now we're getting divorced. And guess what, Unagie?
He's fighting me tooth and nail over money. I want what is legally mine. He's calling me greedy and being stingy with information. Why? Because it's HIS money. HE was the one doing the work to earn it. *I* didn't do a darn thing to put a cent into that company. It is the Michael Jordan discussion redux--only now we are the main characters.

Don't discount what your SO said. He's just told you exactly what his attitude is. And yes, it's very disturbing that he thinks that an abused woman didn't 'have it so bad' because she lived in a nice house.
*smh*


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8185 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Mrs Panda
♀ 27303
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things, actually, make that three.

1. Karma? Right up there with unicorns and leprechauns and other fantasy items.

2. The reason to do nice things should be to do nice things. Not to get something in return.

3. Even if he was "joking", it reveals his bias against women. I am curious how he interacts with women in real life. Are women existing to make men like him happy? Has he had a female boss or colleague? Does he make other comments like this?

Or maybe he was just trying to push your buttons.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Karma? Right up there with unicorns and leprechauns and other fantasy items.

2. The reason to do nice things should be to do nice things. Not to get something in return.

Basically what I told him.

3. Even if he was "joking", it reveals his bias against women. I am curious how he interacts with women in real life. Are women existing to make men like him happy? Has he had a female boss or colleague? Does he make other comments like this?

He's had female bosses and coworkers and has had an issue with one. I do think he said it for a reaction, he knows how I feel about things like that. Whether it be the reaction of me getting riled up or me looking at him differently I have not decided yet. I'm glad it's not just me and all in my head. I wish I could talk to him about it but those convos always go badly. I think I need to take a nap and be back later. The AC broke last night and I'm already having sleep issues. I'm going well over 19-20 hours no sleep since my 3 hour nap yesterday. Thanks guys. I will be back soon.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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