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NC term almost up... Walk away?

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PhantomLimb posted 7/4/2013 10:01 AM

My WF (fiancé) of 10+ years had a 2 mo+ affair with a coworker. Found out late April, a week before I was about to move cross country to start a job in his office and we were going to pick up the marriage license (for insurance purposes-- wedding was booked in Sept). We tried R for about three weeks and I initiated 180 basically from day 1. Mid-May I found out the affair had gone underground and he started the ILYBNILWY and "I'm not sorry" stuff-- so I quit the job, cancelled the wedding, moved back home on the other coast and told him I wanted full NC...... until next week (after I return from an important business trip).

He has fully respected NC to the point that I suspect it came as a relief to him (not even a text on my bday). He was engaged once before, walked away shortly before the wedding and never talked to her again, so he's had practice. He has continued to use Facebook regularly like his life is unchanged and just fine, quietly removing his "engaged" status last week, but keeping up photos of our little family (we had a dog together who is now fully mine). We were both getting IC from day one and I've stuck with it. I've been a mess these last 6-8 weeks, but I'm starting to get over the trauma, see his actions more objectively and I think I got through the day without crying yesterday. I found a new job for the fall and have started looking for my own place.

I have no intention of breaking NC next week. If he tries to talk to me,, my therapist, friends and family all tell me to walk away and never speak to him again. Get a lawyer or family member to sort out the legal stuff with our insurance policies and the non-refundable wedding contracts, etc. My gut says nothing good can come from starting up contact again after all of this time; I don't think we can be friends and I'm terrified he's now with the OW (although he swore he wasn't going to do that). My head says that history has shown that, for whatever reason, this guys blows up weddings last min (even after you give him 10 years to say something!) and walks away-- so the NC will probably stand on his end.

But my heart continues to wonder what work he has done over the last few weeks. Is he still in the fog? Has he been respecting the NC and waiting to speak to me. I miss the life I was suppose to have and what if there's a chance...

But having been on this site for awhile now, I'm getting the sense from veterans that this rarely happens if they aren't truly remorseful from day 1 and stay that way. That you can't ever "go back". That if you've done what I've done (strong 180 and NC) and their ACTIONS don't speak just as strongly, you should walk away.

But what if I've been too strong? I know that seems like an odd question-- but sometimes I feel like I was too self-sufficient and decisive. Should I give him a chance to at least talk if he tries? But,again, if it's "bad" news, I think it would set me back majorly....

Jospehine85 posted 7/4/2013 10:08 AM

But my heart continues to wonder what work he has done over the last few weeks. Is he still in the fog? Has he been respecting the NC and waiting to speak to me. I miss the life I was suppose to have and what if there's a chance...

Have you gotten a long heartfelt, remorseful, sincere letter? No? Then he has done no work.

Is he respecting NC or has he simply moved on?

You are holding out hope for a dream come true. Your pain will go away faster if you look only at what IS right now.

MystiKay posted 7/4/2013 10:11 AM

You seem all set up for yourself on this coast. I don't see why talking to him at this point could help you.

one of the things that NC means on this board is. "No New Hurts". Why not let a lawyer deal with it and move on?

Jennifer99 posted 7/4/2013 10:16 AM

Is there such a thing as "too strong"? I don't think so. Maybe you are too strong FOR HIM. But my brain would translate that as too good for him and find someone who views your strength as an asset and appreciates it and can match it.

jjct posted 7/4/2013 10:20 AM

My feeling is that you're not too strong -
he's too weak.

Here's why I say that.
If it were me - and you sound like one put-together & strong lady! I like that! -
I would move mountains.
There would be nothing you could do to stop me.
I wouldn't be stalker-ish, but I would find a way to make it crystal clear how stupid, broken, and willing to fixit I was
I'd leave the outcome to you.
Your choice.
But I'd sure make it clear - even if I had to use smoke signals!

Jennifer99 posted 7/4/2013 10:25 AM


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