Usually when I'm angry or upset, I end up crying. But now the anger inside is so intense that I feel like it's going to boil over. I'm scared of this anger. I'm scared about letting it out. I feel I'll be out of control.
I've tried talking it out, doing exercise, distractions, but to no avail.
What do you do when you have that seething anger that you feel like the Incredible Hulk is going to escape?
Its not much, but it helps me.
So, I exercised. Hard. Twice daily, at a minimum and sometimes more.
I walked and walked and walked and walked --- miles and miles each day, hard and fast. I can't even tell you how fast I went through shoes.
This did a couple of things: first, it helped dissipate the anger. It also relieved anxiety and depression. But maybe more importantly, it removed me from my greatest trigger: my husband.
When I was out walking, I was away from him.
It helped tremendously. (It also helped me gain the strength to get him out of my life.)
Am I still angry? Sure, sometimes. I was dealt a shit hand. It's easy to be angry. It doesn't accomplish much, though---and right now, I'm working to live life quite deliberately, so that I no longer waste time on things over which I have no control. But beyond that (because I mastered surrendering the things I can't control quite some time ago and while life-changingly freeing, it is not enough), I am working to be the architect of a life that, until now, has largely been built and arranged by other people.
Anger gets in the way of that, so I continue to exercise. A lot. When I slack, my overall approach to life slumps. Not good.
Personally? I found release in smashing our entire kitchen (long contentious story there-no regrets whatsoever though) I winged the dishes directly into our big garbage can so there was no mess. If you like your plates (I didn't, part of the contention) they're cheap @ goodwill. And hey-you'd be helping the needy purchasing them there! Do be careful not to cut yourself. I found the noise and destruction hugely satisfying and calming.
Along those lines a lot of people like punching bags. And I always had a fantasy that involved a jumping castle and stiletto heels.
Also, I remember wanting to rent a jackhammer (we had a concrete deck contention too), never did but I'm pretty sure that would have felt gooood. Any home improvements (involving demolition) you've been meaning to get to?
Better out than in. I wasn't used to being angry and I know it can be scary to encounter that aspect of self. As long as you're not hurting anyone (including you) the healthiest thing you can do is release it.
Good luck and ((honesttoafault))
i edit frequently because i have to
Go shred one of his shirts. One he isn't wearing at the moment.
I found that if you have a 4 ft length of plastic sprinkler pipe, you can smack it on the ground and get a very satisfying sound and shattering.
Destruction seems to be my default. Don't even come NEAR me, when I have a crowbar or a maul in my hand!
D-Day, June 10, 2012
It is a scary feeling to have so much inside me. I wish I could focus it on something constructive.
I'm scared about letting it out. I feel I'll be out of control.
What do you mean by out of control? Do you mean aas in hurt people and their things, or not be the calm person that you want to appear? If you have anger that you fear would result in harm to others if expressed, IC would be good. You have to be able to proces and feel that anger in order to release it.
The recomendations above are all good, exercise, journaling, beating inanimate objects. These can help in the sort-term, but ultimately you will have to face your anger, process it and release it. To not do so can lead to depression.
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)
Not sure what to tell you. Question is, do you think you will ever come to a point where you won't be even the slightest bit angry? If not, then I think you have a decision to make to free yourself.
We spend an awful lot of life---especially as women---being taught that anger is inappropriate.
It's not. Feeling it can be scary, especially if you are accustomed to suppressing it. It was terrifying to me.
But it was HEALTHY. It was, really, the ONLY appropriate response to the injury meted out to me.
And learning that I could survive the anger---that I could express it, and work through it---was a really positive thing that came from infidelity.
Honestly, I had never permitted myself to feel it before. My therapist was ECSTATIC when I got to anger and learned to express it.
It was a crucial life lesson.
Was it fun? No. But it was mighty empowering.
Nice women CAN be angry. Nice women CAN survive powerful emotions.
We just spend a lifetime being told we're not nice if we do.
And that is a tremendous shame. We all should feel our full spectrum of feelings. It's what makes us human.
Since that little expression of pure rage, I have taken up: *playing my piano loud enough for the neighborhood to hear.
*walk miles and miles and miles.
*screamed like a banshee at my wh using extremely colorful language
AND we've had to buy a few other kitchen items. There is something so satisfying about shattering stuff.
I have never gone after my wh and my children have never seen my rage.
What do you mean by out of control?
That's a great question, Ats. It does have a lot to do with what solus has pointed out. I believe that I have been taught that I was not allowed to even FEEL angry. I understand logically and have taught my kids that it's ok to FEEL angry, but be careful how one expresses it, ie, not hurt someone or break something.
But I guess it's the problem of just FEELING the anger and I am afraid of letting it go, not that I'd physically hurt someone, but scream and yell and vent toxicity that I'd hurt those around me.
Thank you all for your suggestions. I have to start journaling again. I stopped for a while because DS started looking over my shoulder at what I was writing that I gave up.
The walking is what I should start again. It's healthy and empowering.
You HAVE TO RELEASE THAT ANGER
^^ I think this is hugely important.
My anger has been intense and prolonged. It arrived early-on in the process and it was intense for a loooong time. I got tired of it (and the tread-mill!) There came a point where I decided I had expressed enough anger, so I just sat on it... that didn't work out well for me => My 18yo daughter did some silly teenagerish thing and all that unexpressed anger bubbled out of me... I yelled at the poor girl as though she had done something FAR worse than what she had actually done, I screamed and performed and went on and on.... she was completely baffled and deeply hurt by my reaction and I felt terrible! (I did apologise and explain to her that the anger I had expressed was meant for her father, not for her!)
All I'm trying to say is that I have learnt the hard way that unexpressed anger will come out one way or another, so rather find some way to express it before it hurts the wrong person!
I get my hands busy. Usually yardwork. Possibly cleaning or painting. It's bad when I get in that zone and my cleaning project is myself. I overdid a home facial the otherday. Bit raw on the nose and chin... not cool.