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Help! What do I do with this anger?

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honesttoafault posted 7/4/2013 10:42 AM

My story is long and convoluted. But simply put, things have happened that makes me feel like it's another DDay.

Usually when I'm angry or upset, I end up crying. But now the anger inside is so intense that I feel like it's going to boil over. I'm scared of this anger. I'm scared about letting it out. I feel I'll be out of control.

I've tried talking it out, doing exercise, distractions, but to no avail.

What do you do when you have that seething anger that you feel like the Incredible Hulk is going to escape?

shatteredheart7 posted 7/4/2013 11:03 AM

I write in my journal, that he reads at the end of the day. I let it all out. Then I put my earphones in, turn the music way up and go for a walk. When he reads the journal in the evening we talk about what caused me to feel that anger and he answers any questions I still have. After 10 months my brain still comes up with new questions every day.

Its not much, but it helps me.

solus sto posted 7/4/2013 11:42 AM

I did a lot of verbal raging---and to an extent, this was appropriate. However, it ended up scaring me and making me feel out of control.

So, I exercised. Hard. Twice daily, at a minimum and sometimes more.

I walked and walked and walked and walked --- miles and miles each day, hard and fast. I can't even tell you how fast I went through shoes.

This did a couple of things: first, it helped dissipate the anger. It also relieved anxiety and depression. But maybe more importantly, it removed me from my greatest trigger: my husband.

When I was out walking, I was away from him.

It helped tremendously. (It also helped me gain the strength to get him out of my life.)

Am I still angry? Sure, sometimes. I was dealt a shit hand. It's easy to be angry. It doesn't accomplish much, though---and right now, I'm working to live life quite deliberately, so that I no longer waste time on things over which I have no control. But beyond that (because I mastered surrendering the things I can't control quite some time ago and while life-changingly freeing, it is not enough), I am working to be the architect of a life that, until now, has largely been built and arranged by other people.

Anger gets in the way of that, so I continue to exercise. A lot. When I slack, my overall approach to life slumps. Not good.

thisissogross posted 7/4/2013 12:33 PM

Exercise helps, stick with that. I also found that relaxing, indulgent type activities (sunbathing-steam sauna) fed something in me and soothed me when I could stomach them.

Personally? I found release in smashing our entire kitchen (long contentious story there-no regrets whatsoever though) I winged the dishes directly into our big garbage can so there was no mess. If you like your plates (I didn't, part of the contention) they're cheap @ goodwill. And hey-you'd be helping the needy purchasing them there! Do be careful not to cut yourself. I found the noise and destruction hugely satisfying and calming.

Along those lines a lot of people like punching bags. And I always had a fantasy that involved a jumping castle and stiletto heels.

Also, I remember wanting to rent a jackhammer (we had a concrete deck contention too), never did but I'm pretty sure that would have felt gooood. Any home improvements (involving demolition) you've been meaning to get to?

Better out than in. I wasn't used to being angry and I know it can be scary to encounter that aspect of self. As long as you're not hurting anyone (including you) the healthiest thing you can do is release it.

Good luck and ((honesttoafault))

Jospehine85 posted 7/4/2013 12:49 PM

Go throw rocks in a field or in a lake or at a tree or fence.

Go shred one of his shirts. One he isn't wearing at the moment.

I found that if you have a 4 ft length of plastic sprinkler pipe, you can smack it on the ground and get a very satisfying sound and shattering.

Jennifer99 posted 7/4/2013 12:54 PM

I went to Tai Chi at the OW's kung fu school

Skan posted 7/4/2013 15:16 PM

Hummm. I've walked. I've exercised. I took drinking glasses that I didn't like and grabbed a big rock, and smashed them in the recycling bin. I took a maul and destroyed a tree stump. I got my sailing knife and slashed and sawed holes in a Persian carpet of his that I didn't care for. On what I considered to be my DDay #2 (lying about porn), I left the house for 2 days and spent it in a hotel after trashing part of the house.

Destruction seems to be my default. Don't even come NEAR me, when I have a crowbar or a maul in my hand!

honesttoafault posted 7/5/2013 01:07 AM

Thank you all for your replies. They are really helpful. I know I beat up the bed a few times.

It is a scary feeling to have so much inside me. I wish I could focus it on something constructive.

atsenaotie posted 7/5/2013 07:41 AM

I'm scared about letting it out. I feel I'll be out of control.

What do you mean by out of control? Do you mean aas in hurt people and their things, or not be the calm person that you want to appear? If you have anger that you fear would result in harm to others if expressed, IC would be good. You have to be able to proces and feel that anger in order to release it.

The recomendations above are all good, exercise, journaling, beating inanimate objects. These can help in the sort-term, but ultimately you will have to face your anger, process it and release it. To not do so can lead to depression.

Offhispedestal posted 7/5/2013 11:36 AM

I felt the same way... Like driving my car through MOW front door.
But instead I reluctantly went to the batting cages with my friend. I refused to go but she almost dragged me and wouldn't give up. Well the baseball machine throws the ball at 40 mph another machine throws it 70mph ...I picked 70 mph. I pictured the MOW as the ball, I pictured my H's face as the ball as well. I was so angry that I hit more balls than I ever would have if I went in a happy mood. I can understand that anger.
I was there way too long and kept on hitting balls for over an hr nonstop. Oh yeah and forgot to mention that I had like 4 drinks in me.
I left exhausted and most of the anger was drained from me.
The price I paid for that night is the fact that I developed "tennis elbow"
Or something like it. So I understand that anger. You HAVE TO RELEASE THAT ANGER. I tried walking, exercise,weights,music,going out...nothing worked because I needed to physically destroy something and to my surprise it was the batting cages.

nofool4u posted 7/5/2013 12:15 PM

Well I was going to suggest exercise, but it may be different for women. I know that anger was a great motivator when pumping iron.

Not sure what to tell you. Question is, do you think you will ever come to a point where you won't be even the slightest bit angry? If not, then I think you have a decision to make to free yourself.

solus sto posted 7/5/2013 13:02 PM

I want to add: anger is a valid and rational and healthy response to infidelity.

We spend an awful lot of life---especially as women---being taught that anger is inappropriate.

It's not. Feeling it can be scary, especially if you are accustomed to suppressing it. It was terrifying to me.

But it was HEALTHY. It was, really, the ONLY appropriate response to the injury meted out to me.

And learning that I could survive the anger---that I could express it, and work through it---was a really positive thing that came from infidelity.

Honestly, I had never permitted myself to feel it before. My therapist was ECSTATIC when I got to anger and learned to express it.

It was a crucial life lesson.

Was it fun? No. But it was mighty empowering.

Nice women CAN be angry. Nice women CAN survive powerful emotions.

We just spend a lifetime being told we're not nice if we do.

And that is a tremendous shame. We all should feel our full spectrum of feelings. It's what makes us human.

stunnedin12 posted 7/5/2013 13:08 PM

We needed to buy new plates....

Since that little expression of pure rage, I have taken up: *playing my piano loud enough for the neighborhood to hear.
*walk miles and miles and miles.
*screamed like a banshee at my wh using extremely colorful language
*walk more

AND we've had to buy a few other kitchen items. There is something so satisfying about shattering stuff.

I have never gone after my wh and my children have never seen my rage.

honesttoafault posted 7/5/2013 23:06 PM

solus sto: You've made some very valid points. I believe many people, especially women are taught not to express anger, actually not even to feel it.

What do you mean by out of control?

That's a great question, Ats. It does have a lot to do with what solus has pointed out. I believe that I have been taught that I was not allowed to even FEEL angry. I understand logically and have taught my kids that it's ok to FEEL angry, but be careful how one expresses it, ie, not hurt someone or break something.

But I guess it's the problem of just FEELING the anger and I am afraid of letting it go, not that I'd physically hurt someone, but scream and yell and vent toxicity that I'd hurt those around me.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I have to start journaling again. I stopped for a while because DS started looking over my shoulder at what I was writing that I gave up.

The walking is what I should start again. It's healthy and empowering.

ItsaClimb posted 7/6/2013 00:57 AM


^^ I think this is hugely important.

My anger has been intense and prolonged. It arrived early-on in the process and it was intense for a loooong time. I got tired of it (and the tread-mill!) There came a point where I decided I had expressed enough anger, so I just sat on it... that didn't work out well for me => My 18yo daughter did some silly teenagerish thing and all that unexpressed anger bubbled out of me... I yelled at the poor girl as though she had done something FAR worse than what she had actually done, I screamed and performed and went on and on.... she was completely baffled and deeply hurt by my reaction and I felt terrible! (I did apologise and explain to her that the anger I had expressed was meant for her father, not for her!)

All I'm trying to say is that I have learnt the hard way that unexpressed anger will come out one way or another, so rather find some way to express it before it hurts the wrong person!

m334455 posted 7/6/2013 01:08 AM


I get my hands busy. Usually yardwork. Possibly cleaning or painting. It's bad when I get in that zone and my cleaning project is myself. I overdid a home facial the otherday. Bit raw on the nose and chin... not cool.

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