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A new twist in the saga

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dbellanon posted 7/4/2013 12:43 PM

I recently posted a bit of a rant on the ongoing difficulties I'm having getting my STBXWW out of our mutual abode. I thought I was done, but there has been a strange twist that I need some help deciding on.

She is applying for an apartment available September 1st. If she gets it, she wants me to consider letting her go live with her parents for the month of August. Sounds great to me, except that she wants to bring our daughter.

Her stated reasons are that 1.) She needs to get away (I'm fine with that. I need her to get away too).
2.) She doesn't want to pay rent for the month of August (understandable, though being able to split the rent would be nice).
3.) She feels like she needs to reconnect with our daughter (Which is true enough. She was absent a lot during the year, and now almost all of her time is taken up with apartment hunting. I've felt like I've been in single dad land for a long time now).

While the suggestion has some appeal, I'm almost certain that a full month is way too long for me to be away from my daughter.

So while I'm pretty sure I'm not going to agree to it, I'm interested in hearing some thoughts. I don't think she's trying to be sneaky or anything, or trying to steal our daughter, but are there any legal ramifications to this? This kind of came out of left field.

Take2 posted 7/4/2013 13:08 PM

Don't set a precedent like that, even for a month, if it means you won't be seeing your DD for a month! I'd say no way.

If you have been the primary care taker for the last year, that is going to be a huge change - especially with living with the inlaws too! And it sounds like she wouldn't see you. How far away do her parents live?

What are you looking for custody/parenting wise at the end of the day? Primary? Physical? Visitation? Keep to that pattern as much as possible.

Most importantly what is best for DD? If that is going to change from what it is now, look for transitional steps. The age of your DD would also come into play here, I would think.

stronger08 posted 7/4/2013 13:10 PM

You need to be careful if its out of state. She could set up residence, file for D in that state and file for custody. Beware of Greeks baring gifts.

devistatedmom posted 7/4/2013 13:45 PM

Agree with the others. Tell her she can go, but DD stays with you; she can have visitation, maybe 2 evenings a week? Plus one full week, but get it in writing. You don't want her to turn around and refuse to return your daughter, saying it's status quo that she lives her her now, and that you knew of this.

In fact, I changed my mind. Tell her she can go, but not daughter. Period. Since you have both been living in the same house until now and you can't trust her, tell her that you need custody written up by a L before she can have visitation. You need it for September anyway. If there is nothing in writing, you may find yourself and your daughter on the short end of the stick.

gonnabe2016 posted 7/4/2013 13:59 PM

And she still needs to pay her half of the rent for August....because technically she's only *visiting* her parents.

Athena1979 posted 7/4/2013 14:21 PM

Keep your kid!!!

I agree with all the above posts.

Not only could the wifey be doing a trick by doing residence in another state or by doing something crazy by disappearing with your daughter.

But what about something more plausible.

Could she later say to your daughter, "look, your daddy didn't even want you. He kicked you and me out of our home to live on the streets! Thank goodness my parents were able to take us in!"

I've just been around some master manipulators in my life. And it's something they would do.

Greeks baring gifts, Trojan horse, all good considerations.

dbellanon posted 7/4/2013 15:27 PM

Yeah. That's pretty much what I thought. I told her that what we're trying to do in all of this is shake up our daughter's life as little as possible, that this would be too big a change, and then to make another huge change just the next month when she moves out.

We're eventually aiming for 50/50 custody, each of us taking half of the week. I think she's looking to "make up for lost time" with our daughter, but I don't think it works that way.

I don't think this is a scheme, but I don't think I can afford to take the risk, either. I might consider offering her two weeks, no more.

Take2 posted 7/4/2013 15:43 PM

Then why not offer her every other week - start as you plan to continue... I'd do a quick lawyer consult first though - CYA.

Not saying it is a scheme, but knowing your rights is always a good idea.

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