Idk if its a good idea to want to be with him.
Spend your time focusing on that part?
Why do you have that question?
I'm not such a great advice giver, I'm sure they will be along shortly but in the mean time I would be stuck thinking about that part of my question.
It will be hard, but unless he turns around quickly, you need to read up on the 180. It is here in the reference library section. Some WH get off keeping both you and the OW dangling with their charming presence. It sounds as if he is still in the fog and the 180 helps clear that faster than any begging and crying. Your future self esteem needs you to be strong right now. He has dealt you a low blow, but 180 his butt and he will never know what smacked him right back. Good luck and hugs all around
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
I know this is hard, but don't beg him to come home. Tell him he is free to leave the marriage and be with whomever he wants. You can't love him, beg him back. You can't reason with him. Read up on the 180 in the healing library and focus on detaching from him.
What he is doing is not uncommon. Hang in there
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Don't fall for his blameshifting - they all do it. You cannot make somebody not love you anymore; love is a choice people make when the butterflies have disappeared. Telling you that you are crazy is just another tactic of the blameshifting you see.
Please read in the Healing Library about the 180 as Isadora recommended. With gaslighting and blameshifting going on the 180 will help you to detach and focus on what YOU need and be there for your kids.
Hugs to you.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, sweetie. No advice, because I'm still struggling through all this myself, but hugs for you.
“Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.”
Take a look at the Healing Library. It's located in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the page. There is a lot of good stuff to read there.
Tomorrow, the first thing you should do is contact a lawyer. You do not have to file for D, but just knowing what you can expect if your WH does leave you will alleviate a LOT of your anxiety. The more information you have, the less fear you will have.
In fact, you might find that you would be just fine in a divorce.
Next, you need to take a hard look at your finances and see what kind of money he is spending on his OW. Check bank statements, credit card statements, etc.
While you are at it, check the phone bill to see if you can locate her number. Do a reverse look up to find out who it is. If she has a spouse, notify him.
Take care of yourself brokenhearted.
I am so sorry! Reading your post makes me feel so bad for you since it is SO similar to my story. Sorry to say, I have been suffering tremendously.
I can't explain why/how the hell these guys can do such a thing. But, definitely listen to advice here. It is hard! At first the 180 seemed odd to me since my husband also was leaving and I didn't understand how it would help but it helps YOU either way.
I drag myself to work and also feel like I am only living for my children these days. I am hopeful though that it is temporary...everyone says you will be OK and you will get over him so I am faking it til I make it at this point.
Please hang in there and be strong when it comes to him. DO NOT let him blame you for anything right now! I have been really trying the 180 but I DID let him know "Your decision to cheat with a girl willing to date a married man was yours..nothing to do with me. If thinking I am a bitch makes you feel less guilty..go right ahead and forget who I am. I didn't forget who I am."
Because he too, told me he was leaving and gave me all kinds of excuses why, brought up every bad time in our marriage from years ago...I was so confused during this conversation!
My WH also left me about 11 years ago when we were first married and we R 18 months later and now left me for a woman he just met a few months ago who was a mutual friend and mother of our kid's friend's! He has no concept of boundaries to say the least. Idiot. He's going to wake up and realize he's not really "in love" with this hot mess but the damage is done.
I still miss him and feel in love with him because I was rejected (which makes you want them back that much more! keep that in mind) but I wouldn't know what to do with him even if he came back.
Do NOT accept any blame for his affair. He made the choice to do that, he takes 100% responsibility for that. My cheating spouse did exactly the same thing to me, totally rewrote the history of the marriage, painted me out to be an uncaring bitch and that he was the victim here!!! Just shows how damaged they are.
The 180 is difficult, so hard to detach from the man you married and love.
I begged my husband to go into therapy with me, to give the marriage a second chance. It fell on deaf ears, he had already made his decision but told me he needed time to think about it. I think he needed time to make sure his exit girlfriend was there for him.
I talked to an attorney right away to find out what my rights were. I started therapy to get some support. I was not able to eat much (the infidelity diet), sleep was fitful. Still have trouble sleeping, 7 months later.
Read the Healing Library located in the upper left corner. Read the forums. Post often, we are here for you.
This has been a hellish nightmare and while I am not out of the woods yet, I am not sobbing every moment of every day. My every thought is not on him, her and the affair.
You've been through this once and being scared or uncertain all the time is no way to live. Get your finances together and get a game plan. You cannot rely on him anymore. Force the issue and move through it. Yes it will be the hardest and darkest thing you may go through in your life, but you can do it. Many of us have done it.
Good rule of thumb is if he hits you with something (like blame shifting or non-financial support) you hit him back five times harder. Call his bluff, expose him to everyone and get legal counsel. You've dealt with enough the first go around. Not this time.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
So sorry you find yourself in this situation again. It seems like you realize thinks will need to be different this time around.
None of this is your fault, you do not make someone fall out of love with you. Typically, it is the partner participating least in the M that ends up falling out of love and being the WS.
he asked for a divorce
One does not ask for a D, one files. It is a legal process. If wanted a D he would take action. Instead, he says he wants a D like it lets him of the hook for his vows and responsibilities.
Maybe not, but this seems to be common with BS early after dday. I think what we really want is to be with the spouse we thought that we had in the M we thought that we had. IT is good to question why you love someone who laughs at your concerns and calls you crazy.
...the next day he asked for a divorce then left and refuses to come back.
Again, think about why you want a man who calls you crazy for trying to defend your M to come back home. Why do you want a man who leaves his children to go drink and stay with OW to come back to your home.
Finally, he does not need to admit to anything, and you do not need to prove anything. You know what is going on here. This is a terrible thing to have to deal with, but it is here. Protect yourself financially, see an attorney to at least get advice on what a D would be like, you do not have to file now. See what is involved in a legal separation to protect you and your children if legal separation is possible in your state.
You've found the right place for support and knowledge. Knowledge is your friend. As isadora and others have suggested, read the Healing Library. It will help you understand the feelings you are having, give you clarity of the typical wayward tactics, and knowing some things will help give you clarity of mind and a plan for how to proceed.
As much as you want to, don't beg him for anything. Accept he is a grown up, making his own choices, and the only person you can control is yourself...that is the 180. Find out your rights in your state by getting an initial consultation with a lawyer. That doesn't mean you have to follow through with anything...it just gives you information and information helps take away the fear of the unknown. Do some detective work on your own, and find out who the OW is by phone records, email, or whatever means you can. If OW is married, TELL her husband.
Expose, expose, expose. Most affairs don't last when they are not secret anymore. Affairs are fantasy, the people involved are deluded, and a little light shed on the affair does wonders to bring some reality back into a wayward's life.
Expect him to lash back and try to maintain his fantasy life/cloud over your eyes. It will get uglier before it gets better.
If you can't eat, at least drink water. Nutrition drinks will help you through, if you can stomach them. If you can't sleep, go to your doctor and get sleep and antidepressant meds. You won't need them forever, so don't worry. They will help you through the worst part, and you really need sleep and to be able to think clearly, go to work, etc.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Come here and read and post as often as you need. You will get support here.
cyber hugs for you (((((brokenhearted475)))))
He said he's found some new GUY friends and he enjoys hanging out and just being a man.
He says they've been hanging out in bars and admitted there were women there though he hasn't been on dates with them.
He says I've controlled his whole life and claims that for five years I've been telling him to leave. Idk what to think....its like he's making things up as he goes!
This man is the very man who told me less than two weeks ago that he's loved me for half his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me as well. I brought that up to him and asked how can he say that one week and the next week say he only "cares" about me?!
Hes been suddenly wearing cologne at work but never for me. He has been tanning
I know he's with someone else but instead of admitting it he just laughs and says I'm crazy.
I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and a councelor on friday. He refused to go to counceling with me even if he came home. He said, while studdering, if YOU can change and show me that then ill THINK about coming home.
Read this post by SerJR, about how to communicate with a foggy WS:
Here is another post by SerJR about setting healthy boundaries:
Here is another post by SerJR about setting healthy boundaries:
These should help you get yourself going in the right direction, whether your WS wants to go with you or not...at least you will be doing yourself a favor.
he said people get divorced for one or two years and then get remarried all the time.
Translation: He thinks you will wait around for him if you get a D. That means he can run around with women for a few years and return to the comfort of your M.
If I were you, I would make it crystal clear to him that if you D, you will move forward with your life, and that there are plenty of decent men who will be faithful and honest.
Please 180 his ass. And don't allow him to place this on you. Show him thru your actions that he can't do this to you.
I am so sorry. ((HUGS))
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
Wishing you strength
60 years young..