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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: He left me for her and blames me
brokenhearted475
♀ 39750
Member # 39750
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been searching for somewhere to help me cope. Idk what to do or think. I have suspected that he has someone else for a while now. Hes been coming home late from work and going out at night to supposedly go fishing...a lot. Hes been suddenly wearing cologne at work but never for me. He has been tanning and last thursday night while I was working night shift he left and went to a bar. :( We've been married for 18 yrs. We have 3 children and he left on the followng Friday afternoon. He told my son he was staying in a motel but I beleive he's with her. I begged him to come home and he said he wants a divorce because I have made him not love me anymore. I know he's with someone else but instead of admitting it he just laughs and says I'm crazy. He came home briefly yesterday and told me we could work it out then he was with her last night. I love him with everything in me. Please can someone give me advice? Idk if its a good idea to want to be with him.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: brokenhearted475
Jennifer99
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idk if its a good idea to want to be with him.

Spend your time focusing on that part?

Why do you have that question?

I'm not such a great advice giver, I'm sure they will be along shortly but in the mean time I would be stuck thinking about that part of my question.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. The first few days are rough and getting through them is like earning a badge in courage. Your children are obviously old enough to know he is gone and for that I am truly sorry for them also.

It will be hard, but unless he turns around quickly, you need to read up on the 180. It is here in the reference library section. Some WH get off keeping both you and the OW dangling with their charming presence. It sounds as if he is still in the fog and the 180 helps clear that faster than any begging and crying. Your future self esteem needs you to be strong right now. He has dealt you a low blow, but 180 his butt and he will never know what smacked him right back. Good luck and hugs all around


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
isadora
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome I am sorry you find yourself here. Read up in the healing library.

I know this is hard, but don't beg him to come home. Tell him he is free to leave the marriage and be with whomever he wants. You can't love him, beg him back. You can't reason with him. Read up on the 180 in the healing library and focus on detaching from him.

What he is doing is not uncommon. Hang in there


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4517 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
fraeuken
♀ 30742
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted475, I can only second the advice - don't beg him to stay.

Don't fall for his blameshifting - they all do it. You cannot make somebody not love you anymore; love is a choice people make when the butterflies have disappeared. Telling you that you are crazy is just another tactic of the blameshifting you see.

Please read in the Healing Library about the 180 as Isadora recommended. With gaslighting and blameshifting going on the 180 will help you to detach and focus on what YOU need and be there for your kids.

Hugs to you.


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
brokenhearted475
♀ 39750
Member # 39750
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I guess should add that this is his second known time of infidelity. We never eeally worked through it ten years ago the first time around. I told him I needed to know all the secrets about her and it took me years to get just some of them from him. I've always been fearful that he's still hiding things. Where is the article about the 180? I don't see it. Right now he refuses to tell me where he is and will not admit anything but will only ask me why i want to know and that its too late. He promised me ten years ago when i found out the first time that if our marriage ever came to him cheating that he would divorce me first. He was at a bar last week and the next day he asked for a divorce then left and refuses to come back. I am just beside myself with anguish. I can't stop crying and I have to work in just over an hour. I wish I was dead! But I know my children need and love me so I can't think that way. He texted my 13 yr old from another phone and said that would soon be his new number. Why wiuld he do that? Since I know he has a phone he's hiding I disconnected his phone that is on my account. Was that wrong? I've felt like he's had another phone for a while as a secret way to talk to the OW.

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: brokenhearted475
Violetta
♀ 39749
Member # 39749
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhearted, here is a link to The 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, sweetie. No advice, because I'm still struggling through all this myself, but hugs for you.


Me: BS, 37
Him: WH, 37 (EA with coworker)
Three kids: 6, 4 and 2
Married 10 years, together 12
D Day: 6/21/13
Filed: 8/15/13

Posts: 49 | Registered: Jul 2013
Jospehine85
♀ 35971
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenhearted475)))

Take a look at the Healing Library. It's located in the yellow box in the upper left corner of the page. There is a lot of good stuff to read there.

Tomorrow, the first thing you should do is contact a lawyer. You do not have to file for D, but just knowing what you can expect if your WH does leave you will alleviate a LOT of your anxiety. The more information you have, the less fear you will have.

In fact, you might find that you would be just fine in a divorce.

Next, you need to take a hard look at your finances and see what kind of money he is spending on his OW. Check bank statements, credit card statements, etc.

While you are at it, check the phone bill to see if you can locate her number. Do a reverse look up to find out who it is. If she has a spouse, notify him.

Take care of yourself brokenhearted.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 993 | Registered: Jun 2012
Jewlz
♀ 39431
Member # 39431
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenhearted475,

I am so sorry! Reading your post makes me feel so bad for you since it is SO similar to my story. Sorry to say, I have been suffering tremendously.

I can't explain why/how the hell these guys can do such a thing. But, definitely listen to advice here. It is hard! At first the 180 seemed odd to me since my husband also was leaving and I didn't understand how it would help but it helps YOU either way.

I drag myself to work and also feel like I am only living for my children these days. I am hopeful though that it is temporary...everyone says you will be OK and you will get over him so I am faking it til I make it at this point.

Please hang in there and be strong when it comes to him. DO NOT let him blame you for anything right now! I have been really trying the 180 but I DID let him know "Your decision to cheat with a girl willing to date a married man was yours..nothing to do with me. If thinking I am a bitch makes you feel less guilty..go right ahead and forget who I am. I didn't forget who I am."

Because he too, told me he was leaving and gave me all kinds of excuses why, brought up every bad time in our marriage from years ago...I was so confused during this conversation!

My WH also left me about 11 years ago when we were first married and we R 18 months later and now left me for a woman he just met a few months ago who was a mutual friend and mother of our kid's friend's! He has no concept of boundaries to say the least. Idiot. He's going to wake up and realize he's not really "in love" with this hot mess but the damage is done.

I still miss him and feel in love with him because I was rejected (which makes you want them back that much more! keep that in mind) but I wouldn't know what to do with him even if he came back.


Me = BW, 36
Him = WH, 40 (deceased)
Married 13 years
4 children, 14, 10, 9, 1 yr old
DD = April 14, 2013
Left me for OW (x friend in same town with 4 children)
July 2013 - WH wants to R
March 2014 - WH passed away

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear brokenhearted475,

Do NOT accept any blame for his affair. He made the choice to do that, he takes 100% responsibility for that. My cheating spouse did exactly the same thing to me, totally rewrote the history of the marriage, painted me out to be an uncaring bitch and that he was the victim here!!! Just shows how damaged they are.

The 180 is difficult, so hard to detach from the man you married and love.

I begged my husband to go into therapy with me, to give the marriage a second chance. It fell on deaf ears, he had already made his decision but told me he needed time to think about it. I think he needed time to make sure his exit girlfriend was there for him.

I talked to an attorney right away to find out what my rights were. I started therapy to get some support. I was not able to eat much (the infidelity diet), sleep was fitful. Still have trouble sleeping, 7 months later.

Read the Healing Library located in the upper left corner. Read the forums. Post often, we are here for you.

This has been a hellish nightmare and while I am not out of the woods yet, I am not sobbing every moment of every day. My every thought is not on him, her and the affair.

((hugs))

Anne


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep mine too....blame shifting, rewriting history how bad things were (they really weren't at all). From what you've described yes he's involved in an affair. Unless he's coming home in the morning stinking of bait...well then there ya go. You could also ask him where his catch is?

You've been through this once and being scared or uncertain all the time is no way to live. Get your finances together and get a game plan. You cannot rely on him anymore. Force the issue and move through it. Yes it will be the hardest and darkest thing you may go through in your life, but you can do it. Many of us have done it.

Good rule of thumb is if he hits you with something (like blame shifting or non-financial support) you hit him back five times harder. Call his bluff, expose him to everyone and get legal counsel. You've dealt with enough the first go around. Not this time.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
atsenaotie
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted475,

So sorry you find yourself in this situation again. It seems like you realize thinks will need to be different this time around.

None of this is your fault, you do not make someone fall out of love with you. Typically, it is the partner participating least in the M that ends up falling out of love and being the WS.

he asked for a divorce

One does not ask for a D, one files. It is a legal process. If wanted a D he would take action. Instead, he says he wants a D like it lets him of the hook for his vows and responsibilities.

Idk if its a good idea to want to be with him.

Maybe not, but this seems to be common with BS early after dday. I think what we really want is to be with the spouse we thought that we had in the M we thought that we had. IT is good to question why you love someone who laughs at your concerns and calls you crazy.

...the next day he asked for a divorce then left and refuses to come back.

Again, think about why you want a man who calls you crazy for trying to defend your M to come back home. Why do you want a man who leaves his children to go drink and stay with OW to come back to your home.

Finally, he does not need to admit to anything, and you do not need to prove anything. You know what is going on here. This is a terrible thing to have to deal with, but it is here. Protect yourself financially, see an attorney to at least get advice on what a D would be like, you do not have to file now. See what is involved in a legal separation to protect you and your children if legal separation is possible in your state.


LTA FBS 54
dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenhearted,

You've found the right place for support and knowledge. Knowledge is your friend. As isadora and others have suggested, read the Healing Library. It will help you understand the feelings you are having, give you clarity of the typical wayward tactics, and knowing some things will help give you clarity of mind and a plan for how to proceed.

As much as you want to, don't beg him for anything. Accept he is a grown up, making his own choices, and the only person you can control is yourself...that is the 180. Find out your rights in your state by getting an initial consultation with a lawyer. That doesn't mean you have to follow through with anything...it just gives you information and information helps take away the fear of the unknown. Do some detective work on your own, and find out who the OW is by phone records, email, or whatever means you can. If OW is married, TELL her husband.

Expose, expose, expose. Most affairs don't last when they are not secret anymore. Affairs are fantasy, the people involved are deluded, and a little light shed on the affair does wonders to bring some reality back into a wayward's life.

Expect him to lash back and try to maintain his fantasy life/cloud over your eyes. It will get uglier before it gets better.

If you can't eat, at least drink water. Nutrition drinks will help you through, if you can stomach them. If you can't sleep, go to your doctor and get sleep and antidepressant meds. You won't need them forever, so don't worry. They will help you through the worst part, and you really need sleep and to be able to think clearly, go to work, etc.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Come here and read and post as often as you need. You will get support here.

cyber hugs for you (((((brokenhearted475)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
brokenhearted475
♀ 39750
Member # 39750
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Idk what to believe. He actually took time to talk to me last night since dday. He said he's found some new GUY friends and he enjoys hanging out and just being a man. I've encouraged him for years to do that and he always chooses to stay home. If its just guy friends then why leave an hour early for work then lie about why he left early. The man is a good liar. He says they've been hanging out in bars and admitted there were women there though he hasn't been on dates with them. Wtheck? Isn't being out with them enough. He says I've controlled his whole life amd claims that for five years I've been telling him to leave. Idk what to think....its like he's making things up as he goes! He's totally exaggerating the details of our problems. Its like he's trying tp convince me of what he believes! This man is the very man who told me less than two weeks ago that he's loved me for half his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me as well. I brought that up to him and asked how can he say that one week and the next week say he only "cares" about me?! He stayed with the kids at our house last night while I worked. My son said he left at 545am. I got home at 730am. He's upset me so much that I disconnected his phone. I'm not sure thay was a great idea though. He texted my son from another number and said that would be his new number soon. I told him if he has another phone then he's not keeping the one Im paying for. He told me that was an app that he used on his phone to change his number. Is there really such a thing? I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and a councelor on friday. He refused to go to counceling with me even if he came home. He said, while studdering, if YOU can change and show me that then ill THINK about coming home. I'm already fed up. Do u guys think it would be too soon for me to move?He gave me mixed signals about me seeing a lawyer. Basically he said just because he asked me if I had called a lawyer didn't mean he wanted me to see one. Hes totally messing with my head, isn't he?! I still can't stop crying. And to top it all off....he said people get divorced for one or two years and then get remarried all the time. ARE U KIDDING ME?!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: brokenhearted475
brokenhearted475
♀ 39750
Member # 39750
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and also thanks for all your encouraging words. It hekps a lot!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: brokenhearted475
kansas1968
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know what kind of pain and confusion you are going through. It is hard to believe that someone that we have loved for so long and thought that they loved us, can behave so badly towards us.
But you should not be confused at this point. He has made himself At this time, he does not want you, but he is trying not to be the bad guy in the situation.
He is blame-shifting and torturing you.
He has already cheated and refused to deal with you honestly about that, and has refused to show remorse.
You need to just cut off contact except regarding the children and money. Absolutely see a lawyer and protect your finances. What is important now is you and the kids. Waywards in the fog can do incredibly mean and hateful things and a HARD 180 is the only hope you have for yanking his head out of his ass.
He has gotten by with this once, and sees no reason why he won't get by with it again. A loving husband and father who is responsible, does not put his family through these kinds of traumas.
Just focus on yourself and prepare yourself mentally for a divorce. So, so, sorry, you are suffering so. No pain like it in the world.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he's found some new GUY friends and he enjoys hanging out and just being a man.

Ask him to invite the guys and their wives over for a bar-b-que so they can become mutual friends. You might become friends with their wives, and that would make it easier for the guys to go out together, right? (He is probably lying about the guy friends and will of course find fault with your invitation, and there will be no bar-b-que. But if the guys are real, he should be glad you want to be nice to them and their wives, and want to encourage the friendships.)

He says they've been hanging out in bars and admitted there were women there though he hasn't been on dates with them.

Going out to bars and flirting with women is not OK in most M. You need to draw a line in the sand about going out to bars with his "guy friends" but only after you actually meet them and know there are any guy friends.
He says I've controlled his whole life and claims that for five years I've been telling him to leave. Idk what to think....its like he's making things up as he goes!

Yep! You're right on the money. It's called rewriting marital history. It's what waywards do to justify in their own minds that what they are doing (cheating and lying) is justified.
This man is the very man who told me less than two weeks ago that he's loved me for half his life and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me as well. I brought that up to him and asked how can he say that one week and the next week say he only "cares" about me?!

His A probably went up a notch in intensity during this time, and he is getting deeper in the fog.
Hes been suddenly wearing cologne at work but never for me. He has been tanning

Red flags. Trust your instincts. Also, is he tanning and wearing cologne for the "guys?"
I know he's with someone else but instead of admitting it he just laughs and says I'm crazy.

He's playing with your mind...it's called gaslighting.
I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and a councelor on friday. He refused to go to counceling with me even if he came home. He said, while studdering, if YOU can change and show me that then ill THINK about coming home.

Keep those appointments with your lawyer and councelor. Tell him, you have changed and you are going to change even more as you are tired of his lying and you are re-evaluating whether you want to be in a M with a person who is not committed to the M and is disrespecting you. Change is coming, honey!

Read this post by SerJR, about how to communicate with a foggy WS:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993

Here is another post by SerJR about setting healthy boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

These should help you get yourself going in the right direction, whether your WS wants to go with you or not...at least you will be doing yourself a favor.


IIIIIbrokenhearted475)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
Edith
♀ 38337
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear BH,
I agree with others, with one small addition:

he said people get divorced for one or two years and then get remarried all the time.

Translation: He thinks you will wait around for him if you get a D. That means he can run around with women for a few years and return to the comfort of your M.

If I were you, I would make it crystal clear to him that if you D, you will move forward with your life, and that there are plenty of decent men who will be faithful and honest.

Take care,

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 401 | Registered: Feb 2013
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey,
I am so sorry.
When I read what your wh said about Divorce. I had to just shake my head, I got that also. Actually, he is getting deeper in his A Fog.
When he spewing at you, playing mind games, blamshifting, and rewriting history, the A usually is amped up.
If I can give one piece of advice, do NOT take his shit! You don't want to have this go on for 4 years and wondering what the hell was I waiting for. I was so worthy of so much more.

Please 180 his ass. And don't allow him to place this on you. Show him thru your actions that he can't do this to you.

I am so sorry. ((HUGS))


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2887 | Registered: Aug 2011
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 8th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you haven't already, it would be protecting your children if you file for D, get custody rights and support..It is possible to get assets/spending frozen..
The thought of a man walking out on his wife and children makes my blood boil...
Do not take any of the blame he dishes out!
Is there family or friend IRL that can stay with you for a while?

Wishing you strength


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1349 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 27
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