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July 4th alone...

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hatetheworld posted 7/4/2013 17:54 PM

When does it stop hurting to see WS with someone else?

I mean, he isn't "dating" just one person but he is sleeping with multiple. Today he added 2 more 20 year olds on his fb. Of course it pops up on my wall and it makes me sick to think that he is sleeping with them... I know we will not get back together, we don't live together, I shouldn't care! I don't know why it feels like a Dday everytime I hear of him being with someone else...

I wish you could simply "unlove" someone with the flip of a switch... How long does it last before you can function normally again after kicking them out?!

easiersaid posted 7/4/2013 18:06 PM

I don't know the answers to your questions...just wanted you to know you aren't alone!

soveryweary posted 7/4/2013 18:44 PM

Honey, why don't you block him.
Maybe that would help a bit.
Just want to wrap you in a big hug.
Take care.

tryingagain74 posted 7/4/2013 20:24 PM

You aren't alone! XWH gets the kids on the 4th, so I'm on my own (which is appropriate, being that it's Independence Day).

Please stop looking at his FB tonight and do something nice for yourself. I'm going to paint my nails a cheery color and watch a good movie. Take care of yourself.


[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 8:24 PM, July 4th (Thursday)]

hatetheworld posted 7/4/2013 20:54 PM

Thank you! I'm on my own for the very first night ever as a single mother and its just hard. I know it will get better. I drove to get ice cream and decided I didn't want it so I just drove for a while. Came back home, made some popcorn and milk and enjoying a movie. I get this kids back tomorrow after work. It's MUCH easier with them to occupy my time.

I thought about blocking him but I kind of want to know what girls he is potentially bringing my kids around... Is that wrong? Should I block him for now and unblock him when I'm in a better place?

Ashland13 posted 7/4/2013 22:06 PM

Hi Hate the World,

I'm so sorry for your pain and have just finished a year of "firsts" without STBX.

A year and a half ago this week he abandoned us in the middle of the night and went into hiding and only OW knew where he was and we didn't know there was an OW. It's a long awful story that I won't bore you with, but I will tell you that over different periods in life there may come new meanings for things.

I don't know if it will help any, but my first experience with being able to breath on my own after he left for OW was to go back to my roots. This doesn't only mean immediate family and friends before I knew him, but things about my life I search for now that have nothing to do with him but I used to enjoy.

This is going back 20 years to being a kid, but is helping in small increments.

Today was hard here, too and for our daughter to learn to separate her time with each parent now and her weekends even though it makes her busier. She's had to have a year of "firsts", too.

I will tell you a trick I do in hope that it will help any, for I have lost much with the life I had built around being married. Every weekend and holiday had time spent with in laws, who I am losing as well as being a wife and it is crushing. I know now I put too much of my life and invested it too much in being a wife and in him. I lost myself.

So my journey now partly includes days like today and searching back to find their true meaning. I am going to live for the meaning in each holiday or occasion and not for the person I loved who betrayed me so brutally.

It doesn't mean I won't think of him, for I do far too often, but I also know he's changed and not someone I can even relate to (his driving makes me ill, lol, almost and before I just put up with it!)

So today was very difficult here but like the other posts are saying, it's time in our lives to pick up what pieces we can and live for us.

I was very codependent and also a mom of a young child so basically lost my sense of identity. But it's coming out, along with self respect and respect of other people that I didn't have before. Even he is seeing changes in me and to that I say...T.S.!

So today whenever thoughts of him crept into my mind, I did anything patriotic that I could...I played patriotic songs on my piano and I read some of my American composer biographies. I went to a picnic my dad had for DD and I and we made a big rucous at his house, where it's usually quieter than our house.

I'm finally realizing that too much of my life has been wasted in agony over a man who hasn't loved me for a long time but was never going to tell me and still doesn't tell life's hardest truths to my face.

Oh yes, he is all over facebook and the others and OW has claimed him publicly, over a year ago before anyone even knew they put their trash up there-they involved our daughter without permission and I reamed him out. It finally came down when we got to lawyers and may be there hidden, but so be it.

Yes, what I had to finally do was delete all my social network things because they really ruined it for me and I was like an OCD person always checking his pages. It was a long time before I found his alternative page and it wasn't even hidden-he put one married to me and one widower with OW's people and it was devastating. Our whole families have seen it and know what he's done.

It is in your best interest of healing to take the connection away, but I also understand how difficult letting go is-it's torture.

It took me a long while to realize that I was torturing myself, though and causing more pain and the images were triggers-it got so bad for me even the names on the computer for googling were triggers.

I know now that OW is a fool and the OW's in your Wh's life are fools too and messing up their life.

It takes many years for the hurt to go away but it does dim and so do the tears. Anything that you can do that's unrelated is beneficial to your mind and will be when your heart catches up. Mine were very disconnected for a long while, my heart not wanting to believe what my mind knew and my ears heard.

I wish you well and I wish you peace and the other thing that helps me in small ways is to appeal to my senses. Candles, baths and such, indulging slightly in a favorite food or watching a favorite movie again.

Trying Again is not alone, for that's often what I do when DD goes on her visits with him, that were agony and still are. I take myself shopping, get an ice cream or buy a plant or candle for myself just to get out of the house.

STBX here has supposedly one "OW" and it still emotionally wrecks me when he drives off, to know where he is going and he knows how alone we are. But now I've spent small periods of time with him and you know what?

He's changed so much, he bugs me!

I wish you peace.

Ashland13 posted 7/4/2013 22:11 PM

P.S. He says he only has "one" OW, but on his FB page a relative told me there are over 40 women now and none OW! I asked them not to tell me anymore.

That was when I stopped looking, too. I hope you will be able to someday.

Jewlz posted 7/5/2013 09:55 AM

I would say to block and do not look, it is only hurting you.

I feel emotionally devastated every time I hear or see anything like that about STBxWH so for now, I do everything I can to prevent it. I've seen/heard enough already!

[This message edited by Jewlz at 9:55 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/5/2013 10:40 AM

You know what I did a couple days before I left my now ex-gravy sucking pig?

I blocked him on Facebook, thus removing any relationship link we had. Secondly, while he was at work, I went on his computer (he was logged into his FB account) and systematically unfriended any of my family or my friends that had friended him over the last 3 years.

Lastly, I unfriended any of HIS family and friends from my account.

I didn't WANT to know what he was doing after I left, and I didn't want my friends and family telling me about it either, so I made sure all our mutual connections were severed.

You need to block him NOW. Stop poking yourself with a stick as it does nothing but cause you more hurt. There's nothing positive in keeping that line of contact open, so block him.

solus sto posted 7/5/2013 12:40 PM

There is absolutely no need for you to see his Facebook activity. If you block him, you will spare yourself a significant proportion of the pain you now are experiencing.

Seriously. It takes three seconds. Block him.

Facebook is not a good tool for monitoring who will be around your kids. It's not real life; it's where broken people collect other broken people and put them on display. It in no way benefits your kids to monitor his FB. And it never will.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 13:48 PM

What I can tell you from ending previous relationships (and my high school "sweetheart" -- please note the quotes lol -- was a lot like your soon-to-be-ex with the ladies on FB) is, the less reminders you have of the ex, the better off you are. If you remain friends on FB and other social networking sites, you'll be tortured every time you see him add another girl -- and a lot of guys just go around adding any girl they can to FB; the more hooks you put out, the more fish you catch, I guess. You'll find yourself wondering what he's doing, who he's with, etc., when the reality is, it doesn't matter & you can't control who he spends time with anyhow.

I may have missed how old your kiddos are, but in my experience as a nanny, kids are very innocent and will often reveal one parent's secrets to the other parent (or the nanny sometimes ) so I imagine if there is a new woman in your ex's life, the kids will tell you about it.

I recommend not just deleting him but blocking him so that you can't scrutinize his profile picture or his friends list. Block him on Twitter / LinkedIn / etc too. Let that gaping wound start to heal, don't go ripping open new cuts (((hugs)))

SeanFLA posted 7/5/2013 14:19 PM

Yeah stop looking at him on FakeBook. It only hurts more. Frankly I think it's worse than talking or texting with them. Because to the outside world they want to show they are having fun and you have to witness that. I blocked ex WW the second I realized her AP was one of her FB friends. It's how they go re-acquainted from high school again. When I discovered her affair she promised to delete her FB account, but never did. It made me realize that she actually didn't care about my feelings or was remorseful. FakeBook is the cause of more misery in infidelity situations. Because you don't know whom he is corresponding with.

hatetheworld posted 7/6/2013 17:30 PM

Thanks everyone. You all are right and I have blocked him from my FB.

I have another question though. Last night I was told that he called my brother in law and was bragging about how he has slept with 3 girls in 3 nights and bragging that he had cheated on me and got someone pregnant (my BIL didn't know anything). I confronted him about it and he said that he was just talking shit and doesnt want anyone to know that he is "dying inside" and that he hasn't actually been with anyone.

Now, to my face and when I text him, he is SUPER nice. He has offered to buy me a $250 phone, help catch my car payments up, pay the electric and has been inviting me to do things with him and the kids (which I have refused). He has been super cooperative about everything and hasn't one time lashed out on me other than the 2 times he tried to blame me for cheating. He texted me the day that he called my BIL and told me that I "looked good" when I dropped the kids off.

Why is he being suck a d**k behind my back and flaunting the fact that he is a cheating whore but being nice to me? The head games are horrible! There is absolutly NO chance that we will get back together and he agrees...

Does he feel guilty? He sure as hell isn't remorsful!!

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