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Newest Member: LifeAfter (61809)

User Topic: I guess I wonder if it was really worth it to him.
♀ 5372
Member # 5372
Cool  Posted: 7:03 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know where to post this or even why. I don't feel bad about the divorce anymore. there was a time where I didn't miss XH but I did miss being married. I don't even miss that anymore.

I have kind of reached the "Eh who cares?" plateau.

Our kids are growing up. My oldest is going to be 17, my middle is 14 (both in HS in the fall), and our youngest is 9.

I don't miss him. I'm pretty happy, pretty busy, and I honestly think I have a great life.

Lately though, on occasion, I wondered if it was worth it to him to have done what he did. Is he happier now that the dust settled? Is it even my right to ask if he is happy? Honestly, I don't really care. I'm just sort of curious.

I think this was brought on by our oldest almost being grown. He was forever wanting more "just us" time. However, he did nothing to aid the situation. Just wanted me to handle it, and lord knows I tried.

I just wonder if his complete attempt at destroying me at the time was worth it to him. Does he have a great life? Is he happy? Doesn't seem much different to me. His infantile fist pounding "I want to be happy! You don't make me happy!" lol.

Sorry, ramble.

D-day 09/2004
Filed for divorce 9/2006

We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."

Posts: 12326 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Margaritaville
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I've often wondered the same about my wxh.

By all accounts, he is depressed and miserable.

My life is awesome. I finally realized that I wasn't in charge of his happy. I'm only on charge of my own happy.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 4th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex mil told me my xh is not happy being single. He wasn't happy with anything so this didn't surprise me. He misses the kids, I'm sure he misses being taken care of. I am sure what goes through our heads goes through theirs no matter what they have us believe. Because in the still of the night before we sleep, and in our dreams, our demons come to visit all of us.

Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think for some of the WS's, they don't think about it that way. I think they bury those feelings so deeply that they don't really know how they truly feel. I know somewhere, down deep, my WS knows what he blew here....but he will never admit it to anyone, including himself. Because that would mean he made a mistake, and he can't handle making mistakes. I am pretty sure mine will go to his grave thinking (at least on the surface) that he had no choice or it was my fault.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:37 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 16236 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thinking is that he is pursuing a happiness that only exists in fairytales.

He is looking for someone that he loves enough to not want to cheat on - who he loves enough that his head will never be turned.

Because its not his fault that he cheated - you can't help that you're no longer 'in love'. No relationship can sustain that in-love phase forever. There is ZERO chance with someone who lives for that feeling. It is a false state - he is on a never-ending search for a false state.

He will be happy in this way many many times in his life. He will feel it with each new relationship. Moreso if his 'luurve' is as intimacy challenged as he is.

There is no use asking them the question because they don't really know what they're missing - true, real, deep love is not something they can fathom, let alone be capable of.

I honestly don't believe any of them think any of this is 'worth it' in the long run. They don't think its not 'worth it' either. They're too busy chasing unicorns which doesn't really give them time or perspective for deep thought.

I don't think marrying him was worth it.

I don't think having children with him was worth it.

Leaving him and that toxic M sure was worth it. Every single tear, every single hurt was worth leaving that M. I was worth leaving that M.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 6011 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 30742
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StrongButBroken, I second everything you said.

Except for my children were worth it.

Being out of that marriage and having experienced how I should be treated by a man, were worth every tear.

Btw, DD16 told me that XH is deeply unhappy and is taking it out on everybody; her friends, my DD, anybody really. Funny, now that he has everything he ever wanted - fabulous younger and beautiful OW, his freedom from me and he is still not happy...

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
♀ 21925
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder that too. What really is in their head when they look back at what they had. In my sitch I cant help but think they are kicking themselves based on their own value systems.

Lost house /lowered income - check
Lost respect of kids -check
Co workers/family/church lost respect -check

BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one of those things that will haunt me forever, because I do believe he thinks it was worth it - because of OC.

I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like...but I get the sense most people wouldn't trade their kids for anything in the world. My ex loves being a dad and because of that, I believe he would do it all again if he knew his daughter was going to be the result...

Me: BGF - 36
"They say time is the only healer...
God, I hope that isn't right 'cause right now I'd die to not remember..." - Carly Pearce

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Feb 2010
♀ 26367
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am pretty sure my ex isn't happy, mostly because he tells me how depressed he is every chance he gets. He still says it's up to me, that I can fix everything by just taking him back... and doing everything he wants all the time.

He's depressed, he's poor, he's unemployed for almost 2 years now. But he still apparently doesn't get what caused all this -- his thinking cheating's okay if I don't live up to some ideal he has, esp in the bedroom. Sooo not interested anymore.

I'm done here; sick of 2 x 4s

Posts: 2057 | Registered: Nov 2009
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I know how much this divorce is costing him (and we have not even had mediation yet), all I can say, is I hope the skank is worth it!!! He gave up his marriage to me, a loving, caring, devoted woman. He destroyed the relationship with my son. His family knows that he cheated, again, on wife number 3. Our close friends know that he cheated on me. Now, he has to give me a portion of his pay every two weeks. He will lose part of the money he has so carefully try to hide from me.

I have no idea whether he is happy at this point in time, and I honestly don't care anymore. Just grateful that the lying cheat is out of my life!!! Now there is room for true love to come into my life. Now I am free!!!! No more taking care of him!!! No more lies, no more deceit. Done!!!

I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

willowiris; I could have written your post, word for word. This is a question I have often asked myself, but of course, no answers come.

I was talking with a friend the other day about this, about how ironic it was that back in the day when kids were little and money was tight, my then-husband and I would dream of the day when we could leave the kids for a few hours and go out for a nice dinner and a movie or some dancing or whatever, and not have to worry about sitters, etc. and now that day has arrived and my then-husband is now my XH and he's not there to go out with. It's funny how things change.

Like you, I too am enjoying my post-divorced life; I keep busy and am happy, but sometimes, the question of whether it was all worth it to XH pops into my head. As won'tdefineme said, it's usually late at night, while I'm lying in bed.

XH and the OW broke up after less than a year of living together.

The affair cost him his marriage, his family, his house and good portion of his paycheque, not including pain, suffering and lawyer's fees.

I like to think that he realizes that it was not worth it and that he sees the error of his ways.

Sadly, I doubt that is the case.

There is still so much anger and hatred there that it's easy to see I am still the cause of this devastation in his mind. He will most likely feel this way until the day he dies.

I believe it's a form of self-preservation for the WS to feel like this; who in their right mind wants to believe that they are a monster capable of creating such devastation in not only another person, but in their own children? Let's face it, these folks are so broken to begin with that there is no way they'd be able to live with that kind of self-awareness.

I guess I'm rambling too.

In any case, I guess this is one of those questions that we'll have to be content with never getting an answer for... and that's okay too.

Take care.

Divorced and happy.

Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think they tell all their "friends and family members" it was worth it to get away from us, just to make themselves feel better for their shitty behaviors and bad judgments. But inside they are seriously doubting themselves for what they did and how they went about it. If you wanted your marriage over all you needed to do was talk to your spouse. Not abuse them with infidelity. Even a pseudo intelligent person does it in that manner. I too got the "I need to be happy" bullshit rant. Even my mother saw right through that one.

Fact is it would have been cheaper for her to have hired a male prostitute who would be paid to leave rather them me taking all her retirement savings, etc. Was it worth it to her? Well if you count the fact that she just backed herself up 15 years on her retirement savings and reissued herself a new 30 year refi because she had to be happy, sure she would tell you 100% it was worth it.

BS(me) 50
WW 49
1 son 17 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
little turtle
♀ 15584
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH knows he messed up. He regrets the choices that he made. Especially now that I've moved on with someone else. Our boys have grown up into awesome children and he doesn't get to experience the day to day activities with them. If XH could go back into time knowing what he knows now, I'm confident that he would have made different choices. Unfortunately for him, he can't and I'm happy with my new beginning.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

3 boys: 11, 9, and 1.

Posts: 4799 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wonder if his complete attempt at destroying me at the time was worth it to him.

What ex did wasn't ever really about me, it was about him. And the kids say he's happy with wifetress, and why shouldn't he be? He doesn't have any real parental responsibilities (he's the fun one, and the occasional bank o' dad). He's no longer paying any support money to me. He makes a good salary, as does wifetress. They buy expensive toys and go on vacations. Knowing him as well as I did, I'd say he thinks it's worth it. Besides, on those rare moments where he might question it, I'm sure he justifies it all by telling himself that I'm happier and so much better off now without him.

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

Posts: 13042 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's ironic that theis post popped up today as I was wondering the same thing. I've been doing a good job of detaching from STBX and have been out of the state for the summer visiting family with the kids. In the meantime, STBX has moved OW into his apartment.

He flew up this weekend to see the kids and take them to a hotel for three days. When I dropped them off and saw him (we've been civil lately, but not friendly), I just felt really sad. Sad that we were no longer a family, sad that we would no longer experience our children's firsts together. All I could think was "I hope this is all worth it to you, you creep". But, I know it's pointless thinking about it as he's in lurve and OW his his soulmate.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1270 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 15

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