I have kind of reached the "Eh who cares?" plateau.
Our kids are growing up. My oldest is going to be 17, my middle is 14 (both in HS in the fall), and our youngest is 9.
I don't miss him. I'm pretty happy, pretty busy, and I honestly think I have a great life.
Lately though, on occasion, I wondered if it was worth it to him to have done what he did. Is he happier now that the dust settled? Is it even my right to ask if he is happy? Honestly, I don't really care. I'm just sort of curious.
I think this was brought on by our oldest almost being grown. He was forever wanting more "just us" time. However, he did nothing to aid the situation. Just wanted me to handle it, and lord knows I tried.
I just wonder if his complete attempt at destroying me at the time was worth it to him. Does he have a great life? Is he happy? Doesn't seem much different to me. His infantile fist pounding "I want to be happy! You don't make me happy!" lol.
We accept the love we think we deserve. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower."
By all accounts, he is depressed and miserable.
My life is awesome. I finally realized that I wasn't in charge of his happy. I'm only on charge of my own happy.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:37 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
He is looking for someone that he loves enough to not want to cheat on - who he loves enough that his head will never be turned.
Because its not his fault that he cheated - you can't help that you're no longer 'in love'. No relationship can sustain that in-love phase forever. There is ZERO chance with someone who lives for that feeling. It is a false state - he is on a never-ending search for a false state.
He will be happy in this way many many times in his life. He will feel it with each new relationship. Moreso if his 'luurve' is as intimacy challenged as he is.
There is no use asking them the question because they don't really know what they're missing - true, real, deep love is not something they can fathom, let alone be capable of.
I honestly don't believe any of them think any of this is 'worth it' in the long run. They don't think its not 'worth it' either. They're too busy chasing unicorns which doesn't really give them time or perspective for deep thought.
I don't think marrying him was worth it.
I don't think having children with him was worth it.
Leaving him and that toxic M sure was worth it. Every single tear, every single hurt was worth leaving that M. I was worth leaving that M.
Except for my children were worth it.
Being out of that marriage and having experienced how I should be treated by a man, were worth every tear.
Btw, DD16 told me that XH is deeply unhappy and is taking it out on everybody; her friends, my DD, anybody really. Funny, now that he has everything he ever wanted - fabulous younger and beautiful OW, his freedom from me and he is still not happy...
Lost house /lowered income - check
Lost respect of kids -check
Co workers/family/church lost respect -check
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
I don't have kids, so I don't know what it's like...but I get the sense most people wouldn't trade their kids for anything in the world. My ex loves being a dad and because of that, I believe he would do it all again if he knew his daughter was going to be the result...
And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
He's depressed, he's poor, he's unemployed for almost 2 years now. But he still apparently doesn't get what caused all this -- his thinking cheating's okay if I don't live up to some ideal he has, esp in the bedroom. Sooo not interested anymore.
I have no idea whether he is happy at this point in time, and I honestly don't care anymore. Just grateful that the lying cheat is out of my life!!! Now there is room for true love to come into my life. Now I am free!!!! No more taking care of him!!! No more lies, no more deceit. Done!!!
I was talking with a friend the other day about this, about how ironic it was that back in the day when kids were little and money was tight, my then-husband and I would dream of the day when we could leave the kids for a few hours and go out for a nice dinner and a movie or some dancing or whatever, and not have to worry about sitters, etc. and now that day has arrived and my then-husband is now my XH and he's not there to go out with. It's funny how things change.
Like you, I too am enjoying my post-divorced life; I keep busy and am happy, but sometimes, the question of whether it was all worth it to XH pops into my head. As won'tdefineme said, it's usually late at night, while I'm lying in bed.
XH and the OW broke up after less than a year of living together.
The affair cost him his marriage, his family, his house and good portion of his paycheque, not including pain, suffering and lawyer's fees.
I like to think that he realizes that it was not worth it and that he sees the error of his ways.
Sadly, I doubt that is the case.
There is still so much anger and hatred there that it's easy to see I am still the cause of this devastation in his mind. He will most likely feel this way until the day he dies.
I believe it's a form of self-preservation for the WS to feel like this; who in their right mind wants to believe that they are a monster capable of creating such devastation in not only another person, but in their own children? Let's face it, these folks are so broken to begin with that there is no way they'd be able to live with that kind of self-awareness.
I guess I'm rambling too.
In any case, I guess this is one of those questions that we'll have to be content with never getting an answer for... and that's okay too.
Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.
Fact is it would have been cheaper for her to have hired a male prostitute who would be paid to leave rather them me taking all her retirement savings, etc. Was it worth it to her? Well if you count the fact that she just backed herself up 15 years on her retirement savings and reissued herself a new 30 year refi because she had to be happy, sure she would tell you 100% it was worth it.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
2 boys: 8 and 9.5
baby: on the way
I just wonder if his complete attempt at destroying me at the time was worth it to him.
What ex did wasn't ever really about me, it was about him. And the kids say he's happy with wifetress, and why shouldn't he be? He doesn't have any real parental responsibilities (he's the fun one, and the occasional bank o' dad). He's no longer paying any support money to me. He makes a good salary, as does wifetress. They buy expensive toys and go on vacations. Knowing him as well as I did, I'd say he thinks it's worth it. Besides, on those rare moments where he might question it, I'm sure he justifies it all by telling himself that I'm happier and so much better off now without him.
He flew up this weekend to see the kids and take them to a hotel for three days. When I dropped them off and saw him (we've been civil lately, but not friendly), I just felt really sad. Sad that we were no longer a family, sad that we would no longer experience our children's firsts together. All I could think was "I hope this is all worth it to you, you creep". But, I know it's pointless thinking about it as he's in lurve and OW his his soulmate.