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Sometimes I set myself up for a trigger

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courageouscat posted 7/4/2013 21:58 PM

July 3 is OW's Bday. WH (can't believe he is still WH after all this time!)...WH has been what I call "crankypants" for the last couple of days. But, he pulled his back and I chalked it up to that. Then, last night, after everyone had gone to bed, I was reading a thread on SI about triggers. It dawned on me that July 3rd was OW's Bday and that WH was being a jerk b/c of that. Kind of unbelievable given that he's been NC for 1 1/2 years.

He barely remembers my Bday or our anniversary, there is no way he remembered hers, right?

But I just can't keep my mouth shut and thus my own set up. I off handedly said, "Are you being a crankypants b/c yesterday was whatshernames birthday?" He says no, it's his back. I then ask him if he knew it was her birthday yesterday and did he think about her...He says, "Yes". End of conversation. No fighting, no tears. Just exactly what I expected.

This is not good.

isadora posted 7/4/2013 23:06 PM

Did you ask how he felt about "thinking" of her. FWH has periodically thought about OW2, but it has never been a good memory.

It's to bad he can't offer you more than just a one word answer

courageouscat posted 7/5/2013 20:03 PM

Such a simple question, and I just don't ask! For so long he mourned her (almost 10 months!) and was so angry at me for "breaking them up." Then, he just didn't want to think about it and hated it when I brought her up. So, I just didn't. I assumed he still thought "loving" thoughts about her.

So, I took your advice. An opportunity came up today when he got some mail from OW's hometown. He freaked out for a minute thinking it was from her attorney. (It wasn't) Their last communication was from her attorney threatening my WH with a law suit if he misappropriated any of her business ideas. It's a ridiculous notion, but it scares him nontheless. So, I used that as an opening to ask how thinking the letter was from her attorney made him feel. It made him nervous, but it also reminded him how incredibly immature and nasty OW is. I then asked how he felt when he thought of her Bday. He said, "Nothing". He said it crossed his mind just before he fell asleep, but it was just a passing thought. He didn't have any urge to speak with her, wish her well, or wonder what she was up to.

For us, that is progress. Thanks isadora.

isadora posted 7/5/2013 21:06 PM

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