For me just being with my WH still is a form of forgiveness in action.
Staying with someone in the situation you described does not sounds like a "form of forgiveness" to me. It sounds like someone afraid of change, afraid to strike out on his/her own. Or staying for some other reason, but not as a form of forgiveness in action.
You see I still hate him for what he did.That hate comes from anger or is it the other way round!!?
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 3:01 AM, July 5th (Friday)]
I can not forgive either..the madness lives in me also.
You've perfectly described exactly how I've felt for the last 3 years.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I am one of those I don't forgive and I don't forget. It is there always it is part of OUR past. I don't like it at all.
The hate has went away to a saddness as if it was a death. KWIM? I mourn the loss of something so innocent and sweet as love. It has been replaced with a new love but I would rather have the old me the old love...It is truly sad.
I am further out then you. Been married 30 years this year. I can tell you that I am glad I stayed.
But he decided he wanted this marriage and he works harder at it at times then I do. That keeps us going. He keeps us going.
I have told him from the beginning I will never forgive and I will never forget.
It can work but you have to be true to YOU...
One thing I can offer is something my therapist told me: anger (and hate) are cover up emotions. That is they are protecting other more vulnerable parts of yourself. It sounds like the hurt and betrayal are a piece of that for you, but maybe there is more? Perhaps working hard on unpacking what the anger and hate are protecting and covering for will help ease that burden. I would hate to still be carrying those feelings around after 4 years. That is a lot of weight for one person's shoulders.
'I am no more capable of stopping this madness than you were of stopping yours for all those years.'
I guess this is true, but I believe he could have stopped his madness, and - much more important - you can stop yours.
Remember, your H cheated because of his own issues, not because he had any issues with you. Gently, it sounds like your lack of forgiveness is because of your own issues, not because of issues between you and him....
If you want to change - and you're the prime beneficiary of changing - search the web on NIGYSOB. I'm not sure that's what is going on but it might kick off a chain of thought that ends up showing you what the issues are.
I am 19 months out from DDay, and I recently came to the same place you are. I may change, but for now...I've accepted that this is my past...that I know I've come to.
But forgiveness?! I understand what happened, I saw HOW it happened, but there was so much and for soooo long, and all the lies. I have come to terms with the fact that I accept what happened, it's part of my past, but I don't think I will ever forgive him. And that's ok with me...it's ok with him.
I certainly don't hate him, I don't think he was well when all this happened, and I think me leaving shook him up and made him realize he was unhealthy. So, I don't have any hate in my body, I have love, understanding and support....still not forgiveness though.
What I have learned through life is that everyone is different, everyone's path is different and we can only do what's right for us.
It's none of his business when or whether you forgive him. He's a priest? Tell him forgiveness is between him and God.