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Final S Emails - from this time last year

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SBB posted 7/5/2013 03:32 AM

Hi all, I've wanted to share this for some time and a few recent posts plus the date have compelled me to share it now.

This is the what I call the breakup email exchange. The first one is a week prior to S, the others are S day. S day also happened to be our 8th Wedding Anniversary and OWIndianSheMan's birthday.

I had been struggling - he was very very needy during this period and I was overwhelmed - rugsweeping sure did sap a lot of my energy. I begged him for a little space as I was hurting and didn't want to lash out at him.

I have not looked at these since July last year. Its absolutely astonishing to read now 12 months later. I simply could no longer lie to myself. I saw him now - I could not unsee him.

20 weeks after this S exchange this 40 y/o loser was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher/prior OW (I did not suspect her - I trusted her taste far more than his fidelity - she is referred to as OWUmpteen)to my little girls as his GF.

A reminder for me of a dark, dark time and also of how I finally stood up for myself.

For everyone going through this I cannot emphasise this strongly enough - WATCH.THEIR.ACTIONS - ignore the pretty words.

((hugs to you all - hell, hugs to me too))

**Sad Clown 5 Jul 11.17am
I understand you don't want to hear from me or see me at the moment, but I really want to communicate the following to you:
I love you;
I miss you;
I'm trying everything for us to be together, even if I'm not very good at all aspects of it, I am trying;
I'm sorry I frustrate you and don't give you the space you need, when you need it;
I do get it;
I'm so incredibly sorry I put you where you are and did this to us;
It hurts that you don't even wish to talk to me - you know how important our communication is to me;
Aside from right now, I'm happier than I have been for years, and that is all due to our relationship; and
I love you.

I sincerely hope you have a great night tonight, but I will miss you every second.

**Sad Clown 11 Jul 12 6.23pm
I don’t know if you plan on coming here tonight, I assume not, but in the event you are I just wanted to let you know that <male co-worker + enabler of his affairs> is coming over to work with me around 8pm and will probably be here for a couple of hours.

I just wanted to let you know as a matter of courtesy.

I miss you.

**Me 11 Jul 12 7.43pm
I’m working late tonight as I try to do most Wednesdays.

I will be giving you a wide berth as I am not subjecting myself to you throwing the ugly Indian <OWIndianSheMan> in my face and calling me a whore.

You chatted up a woman. You bought her a drink. You had 1:1 lunch with <OWUmpteen> who is someone you tried to make a move on. You are still defending your inappropriate relationship with <HOworker>. Still angry whenever I mention her. You partied on like a single man. You are still drinking to excess. Especially now, especially when I was clearly struggling.

You said her name <OWIndianSheMan> to me after promising me you would not. You looked into my face and did it again after I asked you to stop. I hope you got whatever satisfaction you were after.

All red flags I cannot keep ignoring.

These are all things I do not want in my life. You do.

All are unacceptable to me. They are AOK to you.

All are hugely disrespectful to me. They are AOK to you.

All show me how poor your boundaries are. To you your boundaries are strong.

Its not a matter of who is right or wrong. No matter how much I love you nor how much I want this I cannot accept any less than I deserve. I won’t.

You think me not believing you is our ‘biggest’ issue. It may be the biggest issue for you – it is absolutely not for me.

Missing me doesn’t change this.

**Sad Clown 11 Jul 12 8.16pm
I don't care about the Indian and I am genuinely sorry I even mentioned her name - it is dispicable behaviour, I am embarrassed and I apologise.
The 'woman' is a staff member at the club. I didn't chat her up. I did offer to pay for her drink, but it was free because she is staff - still I offered, but I saw little harm in that.
I did have an inappropriate lunch with <<OWUmpteen>>.
I have never had an inappropriate relationship with <<HOworker>> which is why I defend her and get angry about it.
I'm not sure when I partied on like a single man.
I am drinking to excess again. I am struggling. I am hurt. I am broken. And I am now totally gutted to boot.
I wasn't seeking satisfaction.
To me my boundaries are stronger, not strong.
No matter how much I love you or how much I want this, I can't seem to have it - it is constantly beyond my reach and it kills me every day.
Missing you doesn't change this, neither does being in love with you, neither does wanting nothing other than being with you, but it is all true and I want you to know all of it.
I want you to know you don't mean nothing to me, despite my unacceptable behaviour.
I want you to know that I will never forget what I have done to you and that I am sorry I did it.
I want you to know I love you-intensely, within my bones, and it is because of that love that I hurt so goddamn much.
I want you to know that you are right - I do want you fixed - but I also know that I can't have that right now. It doesn't make me want to stop trying to be with you.
I want you to know that I am sorry, really, truely, deeply, unimaginably, unmistakenly sorry.
I want you to know that I don't want you to sleep with anyone else; but I assume you have already made phone calls, been to a bar and ultimately done that - sealing our fate - ensuring you don't come back.
I want you to know that I don't blame you for doing that and that I don't think that happened within our marriage because you told me last night that we are over; that I understand that's how you operate and that I understand why you would do it.
I want you to know that I respect your space and will leave you alone; I will try and be somewhere else as much as possible until I can physically stay at my place.
I want you to know that I love you, even if it doesn't change anything and it's all too late - I just want you to know.

**Me 11 Jul 12 9.57pm
Little harm. There was and continues to be harm to me. I do not feel safe. You justify decisions that disrespect me because ‘intent’ isn’t there at that moment.

You still put yourself on that slippery slope: its just a drink, its just lunch, its just flirting, its just holding hands, its just a back rub, its just a kiss, hey I’ll keep my ring on because taking it off would be wrong.

Its just a staff member at the club, its just a drink with a colleague at an off-site, its just a heart to heart about the state of your relationships with a colleague who has zero problem interjecting herself into anothers marriage, its just a fellow student at a development course.

All harmless. To you. Not harmless to me.

Your focus does need to be on your own healing but it seems my healing is totally lost on you except that you don’t like to see it, you wish it would hurry the fuck up because it makes you feel yuck. My healing is not slowed or sped up by your healing. They are not interlinked. I will heal with or without you. Even if its not the way you want me to heal.

You can’t have this because your actions past and present have done nothing to help me feel safe.

I do not need to self-soothe or self-destruct. I am not in abject shock and despair this time. The ground has not swallowed me up. I am a little stronger and little wiser. I do not believe you so I am protected a little this time. 20 weeks ago I truly did not believe you would actually betray me. What a fool I was.

I do not need to sleep with anyone. What I need to do is find the strength to get over you and stop hoping that you will be up to the challenges of what it takes to be a husband, what it takes to respect me, what it will take to help me feel safe and that you will do it forever. I need to stop hoping you are up to the difficulties of reconciliation, that you respect even if you do not understand what it will take for me to heal, I need to stop hoping you will tell me the truth and most of all I need to stop hoping that your actions will match your words. Because they won’t whilst you are still lying to me and to yourself.

I need to stop ignoring the fact that you keep pushing me away and lashing out at me. That you resent my feelings. That you are full of rage towards me. I need to stop ignoring the fact that you are still trying to control me. I need to stop ignoring the drinking and the flashes of anger – I need to stop ignoring these red flags.

Yes you love me right now and I’m all you want right now. I can believe those words right now. But tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years, 20 years etc.? All of these “little harms” will smash me into a million broken pieces again.

And that was the end of that 3m False R.

At the time I was hurt/angry that he was forcing me to do this. I was left no other choice.

Today I am so glad that he forced my hand. His total lack of remorse was a gift. Without it I doubt I would have mustered the strength to do this for several years.

[This message edited by SBB at 3:09 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 7/5/2013 03:45 AM

My that's a lot of brain damage.

They can say such pretty words, its a shame their black heartless soullessness renders them meaningless.

Wishing you strength and comfort during this time.

Eta- agreed it is a blessing in disguise this release that we didn't know (or couldn't make ourselves accept) that we needed

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 3:50 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Housefulloflove posted 7/5/2013 11:47 AM

Once you see the monster underneath you can't unsee it.

"They can say such pretty words, its a shame their black heartless soullessness renders them meaningless. "

Indeed. Sick bastards! Although my ex-idiot isn't functional enough to even say pretty words. His attempts were laughable.

It feels like a curse but it certainly is a blessing in disguise when an unremorseful wayward shows his/her true colors rather than continue to pretend.

dmari posted 7/5/2013 11:54 AM

Thank you for sharing. I guess it makes me feel grateful that my stbx didn't have enough brain cells to even attempt to write pretty words because had he written what your ex did, I probably would have fallen for it.

Again, thank you for sharing and I'm glad you are moving forward!

SBB posted 7/5/2013 18:14 PM

You know its so weird. I doubted myself so much during this time. I doubted I was doing the right thing. I doubted whether my resolve would stick.

The only things I didn't doubt was that he was still lying, that I still didn't have full disclosure.

Yet the pull was so strong it was unbelievable. I had fallen for his love bombing for so long it felt unnatural not to. His extreme reaction when I refused to continue falling for it was shocking at the time.

The pressure he put on me was enormous. I insisted on physical separation for a year. I thought I could press a reset button that way. To this day he blames me for blowing up the M hence the extreme venom in S.

The night after this he didn't come home and sent me a text at 4am saying he didn't need a lift into work. I had my answer then. Loud and clear. I had done the right thing.

I am glad I have this all in writing - had it been a discussion I may be doubting the detail. I would certainly have trouble clearly remembering how quickly he morphed into the person I now have to deal with. The person he really was the whole time, under the mask.

Thanks for the responses all. I wasn't really ready to revisit this until now as I was afraid that that old doubt might return. Completely the opposite - its as clear as day to me now reading it with my blinders off.

HurtsButImOK posted 7/5/2013 18:44 PM

I wasn't really ready to revisit this until now as I was afraid that that old doubt might return. Completely the opposite - its as clear as day to me now reading it with my blinders off.

this is so true, you really truly cannot "unsee" the truth once its out there. No matter how much you want to deny it.

I am 8 months out so still have a number of 'firsts' to go through. Seeing the strength people on here display helps me to navigate this shitstorm. Sure I still have my mistakes to make, its a learning process after all but I am eternally grateful to those who share their battle scars. Thanks SBB for the courage and kindness you show to us all.

Its not always about being strong, it is about being honest with what you are feeling.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/5/2013 23:42 PM

<male co-worker + enabler of his affairs>

Another of his "little harms." My POS had one of these, and it made me so angry.. Dropping him would have been another requirement of R, but we didn't make it past 1 month of false R..

Mine wasn't functional enough to put together such pretty words either. He sent flowers on Valentine's Day with a note that said "thinking of u." That was probably the best he ever did.. And that was while cheating on MOW with the 21-year-old twink

I'd really like to thank you for sharing that.. It must have been so hard to read again, but the strength you showed in your words was just amazing.. You weren't gonna put up with his bull anymore, and I wish I could give that strength to more people who have unremorseful spouses..

Big hugs to you..

Pass posted 7/6/2013 07:18 AM

Its not a matter of who is right or wrong. No matter how much I love you nor how much I want this I cannot accept any less than I deserve. I won’t.

Most excellent! The strength you are showing in those words is an inspiration!

trebleclef posted 7/6/2013 07:38 AM

Thank you for sharing. I guess it makes me feel grateful that my stbx didn't have enough brain cells to even attempt to write pretty words because had he written what your ex did, I probably would have fallen for it.


Mine didn't even bother with the pretty words bit was still indignant that I wasn't running back to him.

Your name says it all.

norabird posted 3/24/2014 10:39 AM

You know what's awful is I still want to hear more of these words from him, even knowing they are meaningless. It's hard to be grateful that I'm being spared still hearing this type of thing even though I know it's for the best.

RedWheelBarrow posted 3/25/2014 02:35 AM

Oh my. Rockstar could be related to this ex of yours. I deeply want to post some of his long-winded lovelies from the past. It is hard not to be swept away by these charmers.
I prefer to deal with him on the phone - because I can cut him off. I even have an auto "away message" on my email stating that my email is *broken* so he won't leave me long, triggery, stories. (He is becoming suspicious after several months of a *corrupted* email. )
I can easily see how you could get sucked in by this. I have. Many times.

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