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livebythesea posted 7/5/2013 05:36 AM

If I forced him into the polygraph test, he looked at me seriously and said "I will hold that against you". It brought chills through by entire body. He can be very resentful, manipulative, cold, and silently ruin me little by little. I could not let myself go there.

This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all. So I cancelled our Friday morning appointment. I did not tell him that though.

During the past few days, I felt hopeless, confused and lifeless. I still feel that way. Last night, came home and he innocently says to me "are we going for the test tomorrow morning?" I then told him that I cancelled mainly cause of the threat. Needless to tell you guys, I believe he knew we weren't going, it was a manipulative trick of his. It made him look innocent.

Now you readers know where I am. Mentally and Physically dragging myself around the house.

The treat to me was (not as bad as the confessions) but very painful. It brought me back to the bottom. I probably will never be at peace with this doubt. Is he telling me the truth, or is he lying. He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me.

Now he is in a better place, and I have to live with this. Do I stay, or do I go. Time will tell.

Nest2007 posted 7/5/2013 05:47 AM

Oh lbts, get out of there. This is not a man you can rebuild trust with, and not a man who is worthy of you. His conduct shows him to be unremorseful and unwilling to put his needs aside for the sake of you and your need to heal.


stillhere09 posted 7/5/2013 06:31 AM

"I will hold that against you" is something that would put a chill along my spine, too. In other words, he is telling you that he will do as he pleases, and you will just have to live with it.

But you don't have to live with it. You must remember that you do have options.

I'm glad you realize that he is manipulative. Many who are in your shoes are so programmed to feel self-doubt that they don't even realize how unsafe and unhealthy the relationship is, and how they are being manipulated. You are being dragged down by the one who is supposed to build you up. You are suffering from emotional abuse. Be careful, because you can reach the place where you don't even realize what he is doing to you.

He was telling you there would be consequences for him taking a poly - but look at the consequence you are going through now because you are with a totally selfish man.

He can be very resentful, manipulative, cold, and silently ruin me little by little. I could not let myself go there.

You are already there because he has manipulated you into caving. Now you are feeling "hopeless, confused and lifeless." (Your words.) However, I do know the reason for caving; to not cave is to feel the same, only more so because of his means of holding it against you. In other words, you are in a no-win situation.

So, here's my take on it. Cheating aside, do you want to be with someone who would be cold and manipulative for any reason?

You did not cause him to be this way. This is who he is.
You cannot change him.
Do you want to live your life this way?

You say time will tell. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all documents like tax papers, marriage license, etc. etc. Put all your share of marital money in a safe deposit box in your name only. Decide where you will work and live if you separate. To be fully prepared for D is so self-powering that it gives YOU that needed lift to know that you can cope with life, come what may. You will realize that you don't need him. And then you might even realize that you don't want him. At any rate, be prepared. It puts you in a much better place emotionally and even physically.

k9lover1 posted 7/5/2013 06:41 AM

He had an opportunity to put me at peace and he turned his back on me. Whatever decision I make now is on you.

I would tell him this and then walk away and let him think about it.

Edith posted 7/5/2013 08:02 AM

Oh LBTS, This post made me so sad for you. I can hear in your words that you are spent, exhausted and so very hurt.

Please take some time and work on healing yourself. I think it is obvious that you need to build some strength and get away from this abusive man. What a terribly cruel manipulation.

Take good care, and sending you big hugs.


Blobette posted 7/5/2013 08:10 AM

What a horrible, awful man. Read your post and try to imagine someone else had written it. There is no love there -- there is only pain. This is one nasty guy. Why on earth would you stay? Is there a chance things will get better? No way! I say go, NOW.

wontdefineme posted 7/5/2013 08:41 AM

There is more, so much more, that he doesn't want coming out. He must be used to threatening you like this. My xh threatened to divorce me all the time to control me with fear of being abandoned. Look in your past and see the manipulation tactics that he has used over the years. Look at how he acted at the times he has confessed to, you will see a pattern.
This ires the time you will see who he really is. For better or worse for him is better for him, worse for you. With every secret exposed, every manipulation tactic he uses to keep you away from who he really is, you will get stronger or you will become a wreck. Use this new found insight to you advantage. He may seem tough when he manipulates you, but he is a scared child who doesn't want you to know what he has been doing. Or he may turn into a scared animal who attacks you. If this is who he has been over the life of your marriage, is this who you can live with for the rest of your life?

realitybites posted 7/5/2013 08:46 AM

This polygraph was not going to be a deal breaker, was not going to be a solution. Either way, pass or fail, it was not going to do me any good at all.

His "threat" only works as long as you allow it to work. By the above quote you had no plan in place yet. The poly was a way somehow for you to get him to tell you something but yet he knew you would not go thru with it.

Fear is what holds many BS's back. Get yourself into some kind of IC if you can. I think it could really help you. And as I said before, start with baby steps, start with things you can control. Right now you are in shock, the anger will come. Your strength will come when you admit you really have to take the bull by the horns and start looking into your own life.

Jennifer99 posted 7/5/2013 09:06 AM

It sounds like maybe you are starting to understand that this is just f'ed up and not good for you. I hope you take the time to think about what is good for YOU and what YOU want.

doggiediva posted 7/5/2013 09:10 AM

Do a very strict 180..Do not sleep with this man, do not cook for him or do his laundry..

He turned his back on you

Turn your back on him..

Some people are unable to leave right away and their WS's refuse to leave.. Getting ducks in a row and leaving does take time..

With that being said there is an immediate option available..

Walk away from him or divorce him in your mind..

He will immediately realize that you didn't cave.... Damage is done...No going back..He is screwed..The life as he knows it is gone..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:24 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 7/5/2013 09:31 AM

Think of dealing with a child. "Don't throw the ball in the house or you'll get in trouble." They throw the ball. They get yelled at but nothing else. They continue to throw the ball because a little yelling isn't that bad. Why wasn't the ball taken away? Because they wil scream and cry and call you a bad mommy. Are you being a bad mommy? No. You are setting boundaries and showing them their actions have consequences and to be able to get the ball back they had to prove themselves trust worthy. He just threatened you like a child who says, "if you take my ball away then you're not my mommy anymore." Nothing is going to change until you change. It's scary. But worth it for your soul.

k8la posted 7/5/2013 09:33 AM

I'm so sad for you. Not that you cancelled the poly, but that you are being bullied and terrorized.

I hope you find that you are worth so much more than what you are permitting in your life and that you find your strength, then kick him out.

Marriage is a partnership, not a servitude sentence.

His relief comes at your expense, and it should not be thus.

He will never become a better man when you being subservient and passive about your marriage and your value.

What can we do to help you find your worth?

mainlyinpain posted 7/5/2013 09:53 AM


He is pushing the buttons in you that he has learned will work, and it seems like he enjoys pushing those buttons. I am having WS do a poly this afternoon and I am beside myself because of it. But I need a starting place, someplace to stand on, something that I can feel more sure about. I think that is what you are searching for...a block of ice to cling to after your Titanic has sunk. I think he is saying these things to you to manipulate you to not get the poly as he wants to avoid the repurcussions of truth coming out....all for him. Where is his concern for you? And the cost is not his concern, not really. $850 is not worth you getting some measure of peace? I know all about the coldness, resentment, silent treatment that you speak of too and that sounds like that happens for you probably will happen again sometime regardless of this poly but at least when it does happen you will have this measure of peace.
Please stand up for yourself. Don't let him control so much of your happiness, look at you, being mind-f***d by him again. Is he in IC at all, are you? What does he do for you? You have beautiful children and grandchildren, let them have the real you, not the one who is being destroyed by your WH. Please value yourself and let him see that you are valuable.
I see your hurt, I know it.
Sending you strength.
Hugs to you.

doggiediva posted 7/5/2013 10:29 AM

I agree with what others have said.. Your WH is either showing you that he is an ass that doesn't care about you or he is afraid that his comfy married life will fall apart once you learn the truth..

Take away the perks and acts of love that he receives from you now!

The fact that he didn't want to cooperate with the poly without giving you manipulative BS makes it obvious that he isn't remorseful..

If your experience is like mine, it doesn't matter how much new truth comes out in the open unless there was a crime involved, ie sexual assault....

The mere fact that my WH is showing me a lack of remorse or respect is ENOUGH to make me lose any feeling of love or good will I had for him..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:05 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/5/2013 10:34 AM

Well, I guess you'll have to find a way to accept that he's a bully AND a cheating liar, since he knows how to manipulate you.

I truly hope one day you're able to realize that your life is worth more than this.

Good luck to you.

k94ever posted 7/5/2013 10:57 AM

This person is killing you. Leave before you are totally lost.



cliffside posted 7/5/2013 11:15 AM

I know you are hurting, we all wish we could help ease your pain. We've all, unfortunately, experienced the hurt first hand and it is indescribable.
Give yourself the opportunity for a big, long cry. Lock yourself in the bedroom and do it. Then, try to step back and try to get to anger. Repeat this to yourself over and over." My husband broke his marital vows, is still lying to and bullying me, and has risked my health." Keep repeating this. It's the truth.
Do you have a friend you can reach out to? If so, call her. Ask her to call a locksmith for you and to look into D attorneys for you. Move some money into your account. Change the locks and file. You can't nice them back and you REALLY can't nice this guy back. He too far gone. But if you file, he just might wake up.

[This message edited by cliffside at 11:18 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Take2 posted 7/5/2013 11:28 AM

Just came across this online and think it applies here:

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.

Skan posted 7/5/2013 11:37 AM

Sweetheart, you've lived for 36 years like this with this man. 36 years. Next year will be 37. Next year will be 38. Keep adding every year will add one more year of you being terrorized, cheated upon, treated with contempt, and shat upon by someone who is supposed to treasure you.

How much longer are you willing to live this way? You're not getting any younger. Is this the way that you want to live until you die? Is his the last face that you want to see before you close your eyes for good? Please think about that. (((hugs)))

still2suspicious posted 7/5/2013 12:12 PM

I got chills reading this, LBTS.

I am so sorry.

The bad news is he is just a fucking ass!!!! And a bully to boot!

The good news is that YOU can make a change for YOU!!! You have taken off the rose-colored glasses. The hard part is actually putting them down and smashing them. Not an easy thing to do, I know.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE listen to Skan. Do you really want to look out to the future, see yourself dieing a slow death, knowing what you now know? TO THE HELL NO!! Sweetie, you need to look to the future and see sunlight!! And you can. It can start with just ONE baby step. What step can we help you with? What would be the first step you would tell a friend?

180 his ass, shock and awe him! Let's see how smug he will be then, when LBTS stands up for herself for the first time? Have you looked in your closet for your bitch boots yet?? I believe there is a closet full of them for all SI'ers!! They fit every time! I think we also have bitch slippers, if the boots are too much to start with

Wish I could hug you IRL, but I can only send them. Here, take them (((( )))))

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