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blakesteele posted 7/5/2013 06:42 AM

Do you think that the fact that my wife and I were each others firsts make this more traumatic for us...for me? Made my wifes affair more erotic and arousing for her?

I wonder if, had I had more sexual experience with more women before I married my wife if that would have reduced the trauma that this is to me. Or if my wife had other sex partners, or even a serious boyfriend, before we dated if that would have reduced the intensity we have felt throughout this experience?

I see plenty of trauma from everyone on this I know it is traumatic for all involved.

But one aspect of this that really bugs me is that my wife and I had the opportunity to be each others firsts and last...and she gave that away.

I thank God that STDs were not a factor here...I can just imagine how that would complicate recovery.

Maybe this is just plain trauma...nothing worse, nothing better then the next guy...just different.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:44 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

2oldforthis posted 7/5/2013 07:06 AM

I can understand your thinking on this point. I knew that WS and I had something different in that aspect that most people did not have. At some point I held that as being proud. When things weren't so good with us, I would always say to myself that I knew we loved each other because we had kept that special to each other. So when I finally did find out it was completely shocking. There were so many things about his A that were awful but that was the one most thing that I could hardly get over.

I have read many times on SI how a S had sex in their A but that it was just sex, not a love A. Therefore it was easier for them to R with their S because they knew that they did not love this person. To me the just sex really is the most troubling part. He had now shared that part of him with someone else.

Also it has left me with so many issues. Why did he go outside of the marriage for that. Was I not good enough? Now I feel more inexperience than proud.

It is a very hard part of their A's. I can sympathize with you on this one.

blakesteele posted 7/5/2013 08:16 AM

It was not just sex for my wife with the OM. I think for him it might have been just sex...guys are differnt.

Yeah...I wish it were just sex for her...but I appreciate the truth over a lie.

Seems like men are quicker to label it "just sex" then women.

thanks for replying.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:21 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

huRtZ413 posted 7/5/2013 08:31 AM

though i am not a WS my WH was my first but during a break up in our dating years i had sex with someone else it was to an extent to me just sex .....with a side of compliments . On Dday i told my WH about it since we were spilling truths and of course he was beyond pissed i was a Liar for 6 years he was under the impression he was my 1st and only ....well not that what he did was any better i might have not been his 1st but i just have been his last now there is a person on each of our side in between us.

idk what im saying ..... he was my 1st and it freakin hurt to have him do this to me . i dont know if that sound hypocritical but yeah

CrappyLife posted 7/5/2013 08:47 AM

Well.. You should read my story. What a douche my WW made of me.

In short, we were in a physical realtionship for nearly 5 years before M. But, we decided to wait to have sex until after M. She made me believe that I was the only guy who ever touched her.

On D-Day, I find out that she had a physical relationship with POS1 for 5 years and the cherry on the shit-cake was that she went ahead and had sex with him one week after our engagement. Obviously, she did not tell me and got married to me few months later.

Oh and if this wasnt enough POS1 was a friend of mine and knew about our engagement and future marriage. A few days after fucking my long-time girl-friend and then-fiancee, he asks me whether I have ever had sex. Then, he goes on to describe the details of his sexual experience with WW (he mentioned it was a prostitute that he fucked).

Fucking narcissistic bastard!! I found it very weird at that time, but now I understand all too well why he asked and told me all that. I still remember that cocky, mocking face of his. Somehow, I just ignored it at that time. Now, I know why it those words and expression never left me.

I would have believed all my life that we were each others first and onlies if I had not found out. Fuck being each other firsts.. fuck onlies!! Fuck special..

Sorry, I have rambled on here.. but your post hit some raw nerves..

ETA: Yes. It makes it much more difficult. Hope you and we all get through this.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 9:35 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

25yearslater posted 7/5/2013 08:55 AM

We were onlies too and I always wonder how that plays into everything but ... I know that everyone has a unique story that makes growth and recovery different than my own. Early on I worried about sexual experience, am I pleasing... and HB was confusing.

Remember that her A is hers. When you got married it was no surprise that the 'onlies' was part of your marriage.

'I am who I am' and I am learning to be happy with my self again. I suggest starting on this earlier than I did. Also talk to WW about how you feel about your loss. And one last note - STD here that has made recovery rockier and that's another reason I wish I would have focused on me first.

cuppacoffee posted 7/5/2013 09:10 AM

I was the husband's first and only until the A. I always thought I was safe because he is shy and was afraid of girls before me. (We started dating when he was 18).

I hate hate hate the fact that I am no longer his one and only. I think that is the part that hurts the most.

Kiddingmyself posted 7/5/2013 09:11 AM

Yes. I think this makes it more traumatic for you. I believe this so strongly that I have told my children that they should not wait until marriage. That's just how cynical I've become.

mainlyinpain posted 7/5/2013 09:33 AM

We were each other's first and only and to me that adds a big other layer of pain to everything. And now we are lopsided, unequal in our experience and it makes what we had that was special...not. And ruining something special like that I think took another layer of betrayal for him to do. I do fear that it also puts more value on the A for them as it is now one of only two sexual experiences for them. And it has to have been more erotic for them as it happened emotionally, quickly, giving in to their desires instead of waiting til the right time. Hopefully though they were able to see that that didn't sustain in value for them. I am also angry now that I valued that with him enough to not have anyone else before or after, I gave up those experiences for him and now I will never have that and he did.
Expletive, expletive, expletive.

But hugs to you blake.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/5/2013 11:34 AM

I was WH's first and only until he cheated on me. The pain is significantly an additional layer to the shitstorm.

blakesteele posted 7/5/2013 13:04 PM


Yes, to maintain our side of our covenant we will not experience another lover then our spouses. WS, no matter how one views their actions surrounding the A, did get a taste of forbidden fruit.

Speaking from a male perspective, i have wrestled with a desire to taste this forbidden fruit many times. I recognized this long ago and consciously take actions to keep me from real "opportunities". Now I see some of my own actions as not as innocent as I once thought...I have viewed porn before....sometimes w my wife more often without her. I figured it was not hurting my wife or marriage...was not in secret and wife and I still enjoyed regular sex.

I NOW regret that.

I thought I was doing so well by avoiding real life sin....leaving socials at work conferences well before alcohol and late night temptations could take hold, making sure at least one other coworker went to lunch with us if a female was involved, telling my wife about these times, etc. just never thought my wife needed to guard herself like I have to....thought it was primarily a male weakness. (Not sure who I thought the guys that were cheating were having sex with....sigh).

Now, since the A, I have to really fight this urge...because of the pain, desires to inflict pain, the reality that my wife and I's vows have been broken, and thinking of what I have missed out on.....all are bogus, selfish things to don't read that as a "pro" list of why I should seek out another woman.

While new temptations are around me now, I am recommitted to my original vows. I do this by thinking about my daughters...what harm this would do to them directly...what harm it would do to me personally, that would hurt them indirectly, and what harm it would do to our troubled marriage. Trying to do things that our WS's did not do....and it is challenging. But it is a good challenge...and, like I tried to point out, not a new challenge for has also giving me an opportunity to challenge myself on just how good I was doing at this task. Just thinking there really is NO room for other people, real or in a fantasy state, between a husband and wife. Most of our society fights that firm notion...making it a tougher deal.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:56 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

purplejacket4 posted 7/5/2013 14:24 PM

Yes, we were each others onlies. Part of her justification for the affair was that she should have been given the opportunity to "sow her wild oats" while I demanded exclusivity and fidelity. It's not my fucking fault she was in her late 20s and hadn't messed around yet. Since I was 26 and she was 29 when we met I hardly think her lack of oat sowing was my fault!

misskirby posted 7/5/2013 14:44 PM

We first started dating when we were 14, and were each other's firsts a few years later. I have since come to find out that he also did cheat on me in high school. Supposedly I was still his first, but I sometimes wonder. Either way, he has had 7 (7!) other women besides me, while he remains my only. Talk about losing the specialness.

foundoutlater posted 7/5/2013 15:04 PM

My W was my first. I think it has made it more traumatic for me. Iíve never navigated the heartbreak and break up of a relationship. Even with R I think the BS navigates the heartbreak and break up of a relationship.

Want To Wake Up posted 7/5/2013 16:45 PM

Wow... so I'm not alone, make me feel a bit better but can't help wishing I were, then no one else would have to feel this way.

The worst of it is that for 30years I held the fact that we were "one and onlies" as something to be cherished, it made up "special", gave us a unique bond (amoung our cirlce of friends anyway)

We met at barely 18 and because we were "one an onlies" I felt that and the 30 years we'd spent building a life, a family gave me some from of... protection (stupid me), I felt it made us "special" and he'd never risk losing that "special"

WH's PA was "just sex" (hookers) and that sometimes feels worse, that he could give away something we held so dear for "just sex", not for "lurve", just to get his rocks off.

But here's the worst, after 30 years of believing he felt the same, that our status of "one and onlies' was special, was something to be cherished and be proud of... he never felt that way at all, it was just "dumb luck", just the way circumstances played out... if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else... I've lost all my feeling of being "special"

This belief, that he felt the same, was not some delusion I had either, he has agreed with me and stated it himself on many occassions over 30 years... I just had no idea he was lying about it the whole time!

blakesteele posted 7/5/2013 17:33 PM

WTWU..,,I see we are experiencjng similar feelings....however, a word of caution. You mention your husband NOW says or acts like it was "dumb luck" and not special. Don't take this for gospel.

Oh, heat believe that right now....but the human mind has ways of protecting itself. It is highly likely that he does not really believe this deep down....but it is a coping mechanism that shields him from the pain of his that tidbit from my IC....referring to me as well as my WW.

Please think on that before you committ your husbands statements of late into the vault if true facts in your mind.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

painpaingoaway posted 7/5/2013 17:50 PM

Wow, this is something I had not really thought about before. Must be terribly painful.

I have however thought many times about the fact that I had always been 'proud' of the fact that we could tell people that we were in a 30-something yr faithful marriage. He blew that right out of the water.

Now, it makes me so sad to think that even if I started over again at 55 yrs old in a new marriage, that I would still not even be able to claim a 30-something yr faithful marriage, because chances are I wouldn't live long enough to!

One more thing he stole from me.

foundoutlater posted 7/5/2013 17:56 PM


he never felt that way at all, it was just "dumb luck", just the way circumstances played out

I donít know where in your M so if it does not apply please just ignore me. I seriously doubt he never felt that way. There could be some rewriting going on. I think blakesteele has it right.

Want To Wake Up posted 7/5/2013 18:09 PM

You mention your husband NOW says or acts like it was "dumb luck" and not special. Don't take this for gospel.

Blakesteele I have discussed this point with him to determine if it was just the stance he was taking now (after the fact) something he tells himself now, perhaps to ease his own conscience or an attempt to minimise MY pain over the loss but no, he assures me he never felt it was anything "special".

He has never valued our status of "one and onlies" the way I did but he agreed with me (and stated it himself) whenever the subject came up to avoid any conflict on the issue (he was a master conflict avoider)... now I feel perhaps he was a little embarrassed by it, like I was telling the world he hadn't had sex until he had with me, he'd never sown his "wild oats" and that made him... "less of a man" in the eyes of other men who had had mulitple "conquests" in their youth IYKWIM

I think it plays back into the general view in society (of my generation) that a man who has mulitiple partners (while single and available to do so if he chooses, not talking about being unfaithful) is thought of as a "stud" while a woman is still thought of as a "slut"

Gender inequality is alive and well when it comes to sex IMHO (apologies for the shocking pun LOL)

[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 6:16 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 7/5/2013 18:43 PM


I can relate...having seen my wife's AP around town, with another woman NOT his wife, in an inappropriate position I fully expect him to brag about his experience with my wife...or at least lack remorse for his part in the affair. I work with a guy that brags about sex w 3 of the 9 moms on his sons ball team...even thigh he got beat up over one of them and his marriage is over. Guys view A in a different light...part is nature and part is how accepting society is. Sigh

our society does have double standards.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:02 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

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