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I'm not overreacting

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mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 09:28 AM

I am frustrated and upset.

*** We are in a MUTUALLY OPEN MARRIAGE ***

WARNING -- we just got into an argument & I'm still heated, so this is more negative/snarky/angry than I really "am" -- I love my WH very much & he loves me too.

I just need to vent.

He has been great & supportive; I just posted a happy story in the Reconciliation Forum the other day.

I'm emotional today {as I am most days when I come to SI -- I tend not to post my own threads when things are going well} so bear that in mind.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:24 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Jennifer99 posted 7/5/2013 09:40 AM

Well, you're wiser than I am. At least you didn't take forever beating yourself up to come to those smart conclusions.

lieshurt posted 7/5/2013 09:58 AM

You definitely aren't overreacting. If anything, you are underreacting and settling for crumbs from this guy.

doesitgetbetter posted 7/5/2013 10:03 AM

So have you decided to not let him have a one-sided-open-relationship then? I'm confused. If you are still going to let him have sex with whomever he wants as long as you guys don't know the person, then you really aren't holding up your end of the bargain by being jealous and teasing him when he's going to the beach to (probably) pick up women.

If you have taken back that agreement though, and want this to work as a monogamous relationship, then you've both got some serious work to even begin working through this. A WS gets no privacy after infidelity until they earn it back. IMO, there is no reason for a husband and a wife to have password protected information from each other ever, but especially not after infidelity. This is one of the consequences of them lying and cheating. It's also not healthy for you to "tease" him about looking hot for the ladies.... that sets up an expectation that you know he's going to flirt and are ok with it (provided you've decided on monogamy is the only time that would be a problem I guess).

Either way, he's not even kind of getting the damage he's done to you by the cheating he HAS done, and it doesn't look like he's ever going to. I attribute that to your agreeing to his one-sided-open-relationship after he had already cheated on you. In his head, he's probably thinking "you agreed to it, so it's not a problem, now back off because I'm going to go get laid later and you're cramping my style". Or something like that.

You have a very long, and incredibly painful road ahead of you with this one.

Heavy Sigh posted 7/5/2013 10:30 AM

If he doesn't want to sleep with you (you note you still aren't seeing affection)and flirts with every woman he sees behind your back or even in front of you as he did with "S", then you don't have a marriage, you have a roommate. You're living with a man who shares expenses and goes out on dates with others.

Sorry, but at this point if he likes sex but isn't affectionate with you, then it's unlikely he's being abstinent. He may just be one of those men who can't have sex with a woman when it isn't new or doesn't involve conquest. Or is one of those men who can't have sex with a woman who has his child because it's like having sex with his mother. ( you didn't mention kids, but it happens.)

It's more common than you think. It makes a woman feel worthless and unattractive when really it's the man's problem that he tries to make the wife believe is her own.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:36 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 11:39 AM

The MUTUALLY open relationship is "the plan" however the agreement was we have to be doing very well in the relationship (meaning, we're both happy and we both feel secure and loved) before we start executing it.

He says I can do the same things as him.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 7/5/2013 11:50 AM

Is he taking steroids? Is that why he can't get it up? And looking "good" is more important than YOU?? More important than having a loving,healthy marriage with his wife??

Why would you be with a man who has shown you he values himself,his body,his ego,way more than he values you?

IIRC,you said you stay with him because he loves you. Honey..I have read nothing that indicates this man loves anyone but himself.

This is not love. You may love him..but he doesn't love least,not in a way that is healthy for you. At all.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:52 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Heavy Sigh posted 7/5/2013 11:50 AM

Privacy and secrecy are two different things.

If an accountant steals from you, and you give him a second chance, are you unreasonable for ordering an audit once in a while (marriage version of an audit: checking his phone?)


If you don't have kids and are in your 20s, you must have the world's lowest self-esteem to still be with this guy when you don't seem to be anything to him except convenience as a roommate.

Unless he's richer than Warren Buffet and Bill Gates combined, I'd walk outta there and find someone to love me back.

painpaingoaway posted 7/5/2013 11:54 AM

1000% agree with confused and heavy sigh. Why are you in this relationship???? You are so young! You should be enjoying your life. I'm so sad for you.

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 12:07 PM

Confused615 - I do think looking good is more important to him than I am.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

painpaingoaway posted 7/5/2013 12:14 PM

Something very very weird is going on here, and I'm not sure what it is. BUT, I can assure you that whatever it is. He does NOT have YOUR best interest at heart.

It sounds to me like he has you exactly where he wants you.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

lieshurt posted 7/5/2013 12:20 PM

His sex drive is kaput.

Clearly it's not if he can manage to have sex with anybody else, but you.

I spend 90 minutes a day making our apartment look like a picture out of a magazine (in terms of cleanliness anyway, I need some more art in here ) and I know if I just gave it a quick five-minute once-over for a week, he'd kill me.

He has it made. A wife who caters to his every whim and who allows him to have sex with anybody he wants.

I feel like a lot of my acceptance of him, his issues (needing external validation), his desperate need for privacy, etc., stems from my general low expectations for men of this generation.

People rise to the level of expectations we set for them. You have low expectations, so that's exactly what he gives you. Basically, if you don't believe you deserve better, then you are never going to get better from him or anybody else.

waiting2see posted 7/5/2013 12:22 PM

Seems like he is putting on his oxygen mask and holding yours just out of your reach.

When exactly do you put your self interest first?

Your entire relationship seems to be about him.

confused615 posted 7/5/2013 12:26 PM

Has he ever been physically abusive to you? Has anyone? Because you very much sound like you've been abused and you think *this* is all you deserve.

Love is an what way is he loving you?


Rainbows posted 7/5/2013 12:33 PM

You're definitely not overreacting, which makes me wonder if you're reacting enough. To protect and honor yourself, your needs and your feelings.

I changed so much from my twenties to my thirties. I used to make excuses for bad behavior, until I realized that it wasn't fair to me to allow myself to be treated disrespectfully.

Trust yourself and that little voice inside of your gut. It helps protect us. Trust and listen to your instincts and don't sell yourself short. You deserve so much respect, love, happiness, affection, loyalty and laughter.

Mousse242 posted 7/5/2013 12:38 PM

I know he's not cheating; we just moved cross-country.

How do you know this? His history says he will/is. Just because you're away from the OW doesn't mean there will be a new one on the horizon.

Your WH is not remorseful from what I've read in your posts. So he values his privacy, big deal. How about valuing fidelity????

You have a new OW on your horizon - the daughter of his mother's boyfriend. She has no boundaries, your WH has no boundaries. How long do you really think it will take until something happens?

You can see this family member outside of being at their house. Invite this person over to your place or out to dinner.

still2suspicious posted 7/5/2013 12:40 PM

But I love him, and he loves me.

YOU may love him, but he loves HIMSELF, not you!

Sorry sweetie, this is NOT love. This is manipulation, and just down-right freaking mean!!

To continuely disregard the very things you have stated you need in this M, to almost flaunt the exact opposite, seems sadistic to me!!

You are so young. As others have asked "what do you get out of this relationship?" is a very valid question.

Are you in IC? (sorry if I missed that) YOU need to find out why you think you deserve so little of your spouse. Because you definitely DO NOT deserve so little! you deserve so much more!!!!!

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 12:48 PM

I have been abused. Both within my family and from outsiders.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:18 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 13:07 PM

What am I getting out of this relationship / why am I still here...

Well, I love him. He loves me.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 10:19 PM, October 19th (Saturday)]

confused615 posted 7/5/2013 13:19 PM

Oh honey. I just want to hug you.




He is not caring about you and your needs. He is not being supportive of your needs.

Are you having fun with him?

You have had a lifetime of abuse. Perhaps what you think of as "love" isn't?*

*Light bulb moment for me,BTW*

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