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Absolutely Crushed & Baffled

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cherokeespirit posted 7/5/2013 09:38 AM

First time post...8 weeks since D Day. Haven't had the stomach to see my own words, thank you so much for just being here and having the balls to share such heartache.

My story starts like a fairytale then craps the bed. Fast forward 17.5 yrs n he's acting weird, I know in Jan. 13 that we're off the track but we've had a tremendous amount of stressors...more than ever. We always turned to each other but this time it's different. He's not coming around, we're talking and talking and his actions aren't matching up. By March he suggests MC and I make an appt. 1 st session thru 4th session he's a basket case, crying and bringing up non sense issues. By the end of that session it's decided he needs IC so I relinquish the C so he can continue. After months of gut twisting and sleeplessness...I have a moment of focus, I "invade" his privacy". All these years I never snooped! He had a PA and EA and Internet A and joined an online fetish club. Wow! Wtf! To be clear...3 different chicks and a membership! I am by no means a dumb chick nor naive but REALLY!!!! What a kick in the b@lls!!!
I found this the night before him first session alone, it was 11:30 pm and I had just gotten to work. All I could do was pace and pace, I thought my heart was gonna explode. I left work, drove home and started printing page after page of disgust. I wanted to go upstairs and punch him in the throat sooooo bad...but I didn't . I would have woke the kids...lol Anyway, I waited until shortly before his IC appt and told him very calmly that I knew he cheated on me, he tried to deny until he looked up and into my eyes.

It's been 2 months and I still can't seem to get my mind around this whole leaky bag of jake! I'm a strong and independent person, I'm intelligent and logical...I know from you guys its not about me, it's about him. It just doesn't make sense and it Really pisses me off!!! What an ass he is!

He's trying but I don't feel it and its just not enough. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I will now. I'm not a home run...I'm a Grand Slam! He is the envy of all his friends and I WAS a lucky girl, he took that away from me, us and our family. What a douche!

Sorry for the long drawn out vent...I guess what I'm ready for are some words of wisdom.

***Where do you go from here, feeling stuck after 2 months and he's trying...I think?

Dawn58 posted 7/5/2013 09:53 AM

Dear Cherokeespirit,

It is devastating to find out the man you love, has cheated on you. Then heap on all the lies and deception! It is so very difficult and heart breaking.....

Boy, the more I read, the more it seems that they all behave the same way! I had no idea he was having an affair. He was treating me with total contempt the last few weeks I was living there, but I attributed it to work stress. I kept asking him what was wrong and all he would say was that he wasn't ready to talk about it. Well, I uncovered some text messages and confronted him.

Where to go from here? First of all, take good care of yourself. I know how hard that is, but try to make sure you are eating and drinking. There were days I could not stomach much food.

Breath!! When the pain gets to be too much, just breath through it. You will get through this.

Rest as much as you can. Sleep was and still is a problem for me. I took a lot of hot baths and drank a lot of hot tea to try to calm myself. I really feel that this is a physical, emotional and spiritual trauma.

I consulted an attorney right away, just to see what my rights were.

Post here, vent here, cry here. We are here for you. Please read the healing library. I found out that the cheater is a casebook Narcissist, so I read all I could on that, so I could understand what I was dealing with.

Remember, the affair had nothing to do with you. You did not cause this. He did. He needs to agree to NC with the other woman and be completely transparent to you. That is what I have read here, I can't share any of my experience with that, but there are many here that can.

So sorry that you are here, you have found an amazing community that will be here for you!

((hugs))

Dawn58

Tred posted 7/5/2013 09:54 AM

If you don't know what to do, don't worry - you don't have to do anything. Right now time is on your side, being only two months out it's probably best that you don't make any major decisions. I'm 20 months out and at times don't know what I want. My wife cheated online as well, I was blindsided by it. At two months out I was still a wreck. I decided I'd give it a year to see how I felt, but that year was rough. If I had known the whole truth, I probably wouldn't of stayed.

You say he is "trying". Has he gone NC with the OW? Is he being transparent - do you have access to all his personal information, phone, e-mail? It's not invading his privacy, it's rebuilding your trust. Have both of you had STD testing done? Have you seen a lawyer so that you know exactly where you stand?

He is in IC, that's a plus. But I'll be honest with you - reconciliation is not an easy road. At all. Then again, pretty much all our choices suck when we find out our spouses betrayed us. I'd put the focus on yourself for now - are you in IC? What are you doing for your own self care? One thing that seems to be true for real R is that three things have to heal - you, him, then the marriage. You don't have to make any decisions about the marriage right now - focus on healing yourself.

I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

cherokeespirit posted 7/5/2013 10:08 AM

He stopped IC with the last therapist 2 weeks after I found out. He has an appt with another on in Aug (first available appt)

I have yet to make an appt. but know I need to.

STD check...done, what a humiliating experience!

Lawyers...I know what to expect

NC...over the phone, she got pissed and replied by text, he showed me

Transparency...Ha! He gave me passwords but deletes texts he thinks will "hurt" me.

I know time is on my side but I'm not one to sit n wait for him to come around. His "understanding curve" is slowly draining the life out of me.

Tred posted 7/5/2013 10:11 AM

In that case, I would detach. Have you read up on the 180 in the healing library? It's about focusing on you.

cherokeespirit posted 7/5/2013 10:18 AM

I have read the library...several times and refer back to the 180 regularly. I have detached to some extent but I almost feel like I'm afraid that I have the ability to detach too much? Dont know if that makes sense...

Skan posted 7/5/2013 11:22 AM

Hey, cherokeespirit. From one Cherokee to another, tsi-lu-gi. And that's the extent of my language skills.

The thing that your WH needs to understand, is that the infidelity is quite often not what kills the marriage. It's the lies, the TT (trickle truth), the hiding of anything because "it will hurt you." Well, guess what idiot, you're ALREADY hurt. Bleeding, in fact. So instead of getting all of the blood letting out at once, how is continual ripping off of the scab and re-wounding going to help speed healing? Eventually you're left with not enough healthy tissue to heal.

It is completely unacceptable that he continues to delete texts. The only reason that he is doing that is because there is still something going on you know it, we know it, he sure knows it. Me personally, I'd smash his phone, but then that's the way I am. My FWH knows that if he's not completely transparent with his phone and/or computer, then they go out into the pool. No discussion and no second chances. And I'm sure not paying for him to replace them. Rant over.

I have detached to some extent but I almost feel like I'm afraid that I have the ability to detach too much? Dont know if that makes sense...

Please remember. The 180 is for you. It's not to bring him to his senses, it's not to bludgeon him into compliance, it's to give YOU needed time to figure out what you need to do by helping take you away from the attachment mentally. It's for your benefit, not his. You seem like an extremely strong woman, although I'm betting that you don't necessarily feel that way right now. You need to decide what you want/need to do, and what he needs to do if he wants to stay married to you. And set those requirements in place. If he's not willing to do the hard work of R, then you can't possibly detach too much. You may have to detach far more. I really do understand what you're saying. I believe that love is a choice. Right now, I choose to stay in love with my FWH. But I can also choose to not love him. If being with him hurts too much, if he is a liability rather than an asset to our partnership, I can choose to not love him and walk away. It would hurt, but I know that I can do it and be just fine in the end. You can be too. So use that 180 for your benefit.

Come back often. We're all here to support you.

cherokeespirit posted 7/5/2013 17:50 PM

Thank you so much for the great advice, wisdom, focus n direction. I'm not good at asking for help, I'd prefer to learn and do for myself...but that's just not possible for me yet. Sorry you find yourselves in the position of "teacher"....do know, I appreciate your candor, experience and guidance immensely. Thank You

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