Yes. Your husband chose to divert energy and attention from where it belonged---at home with you--to another woman. It may have started as a "just a friendship with poor boundaries." But friends don't clandestinely text and IM for hours and hours each day. They don't plan day-long "meetings" with no regard for their families' needs. Most of all, they do not encourage one another to do things that are destructive to their important relationships
Affair partners, on the other hand, don't give a flip about "important relationships," because in their minds, their unicorns-and-rainbows faux "relationship" is the only one that really matters.
And that, unfortunately, is the deluded nonsense you find yourself facing.
It sounds as if there is a measure of gaslighting going on, as well. If you're not familiar, this is a tactic used to make a person doubt his/her own perceptions. (It is taken from the movie Gaslight, in which a woman was slowly driven insane by her husband's subtle manipulative actions over time.) That you are focused on whether you have "mislabeled" or are "overreacting" suggests that there has been, on some level, a campaign to make you doubt your instincts and perceptions.
That is further evidence that this is not "just a friendship." People in "just friendships" have no need to manipulate the perceptions of their loved ones. They have no need to tell their "friends" to behave differently around their spouses, lest suspicions are aroused. Why? Because there is no need.
You don't know the content of your husband's conversations with this woman. You do know that he was spending hours, each day, communicating with her rather than engaging with you, your kids, your family. You have only their word that there was no sexting or declarations of love. Sadly, this may not be the truth.
As real remorse takes the place of damage control, you are more apt to see real introspection and examination of his actions, and may get a more honest assessment of what took place. But right now, unfortunately, "damage control" is the place where he seems to be residing.
Has he terminated all contact with OW? This is a non-negotiable. Has he left the volunteer organization? (If this sounds drastic, I assure you it is far less disruptive than the alternative: a continued, but underground, affair that ultimately ends your marriage.) Has he finally realized giving up this "friendship" is a very small price to pay for your sense of safety and the well-being of your marriage? Is he seeing it as a destructive emotional affair?
I could be wrong, but it sounds like he placed you in the Mean Mom role. This puts you in the position of being the enforcer who "made him" change the nature of his relationship.
This is a tremendously destructive dynamic. In my experience, it all but guarantees continued or repeat infidelities.
Until HE wants nothing to do with this woman, I'd venture to say that he really does not get the damage he's done, and how. And that will place enormous obstacles to reconciliation.
Until and unless he clearly sees what happened, and how---really, truly examines how his choices led to this toxic, damaging affair-- he can't learn from the experience. And if he doesn't learn, history will repeat itself.
The OW's boyfriend's gross overreaction ("You'd better not accuse her!"), and your husband's refusal to "take sides" are both very worrisome to me, as well.
I am so sorry for your pain. I know that "hearing" this type of negative response is difficult---but for me, it was critical. Even though I did not believe what I read here for a VERY long time, I did tuck it away in my mind. It helped, when I reached the point I could no longer deny.
I hope there IS nothing more for you to learn. I really do. But the gaslighting and protesting and denying ---combined with the sketchy behavior--really raise huge red flags, and I worry that you have only just begun to learn the truth about this "friendship."
We will be here for you, and support you no matter what happens. No one will be happier to be wrong than an SI member---we LOVE success stories and happy reconciliations. But we also find it important to give a heads-up---with hopes there is no need for them.
Millions of hugs to you.
[This message edited by solus sto at 12:25 PM, July 5th (Friday)]