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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Always suspicious!
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mind is constantly going! I can't get it to stop. One minute I think ok maybe he did tell me the whole truth? the next minute, I "know" he hasn't told me everything.
Anyways past couple of days he was been really really nice. In the back of my mind I want to tear at him, asking what he's up to now?
Then when he's being distant again I think the same thing. Gosh does it ever stop or get easier?
I keep checking all his stuff, but by now he's probably just got better at hiding it all from me, if there is still something else going on.
How do you handle the constant are they/aren't they? when they're trying to be nice to you just accept it?
Ugh, I hate the way I feel now since all this has happened. I'm never sure of my feelings anymore.

Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't blame you for having suspicions/doubts... you were TT'd for months going by your tagline!

I don't have any advice really. :( I have found that over time, I have stopped obsessing and wondering. (Maybe I got too many details oops.) Horrible answer, right? Time -- there's absolutely nothing you can do to speed it up.

I have found too that working on re-building my self-concept and self-esteem has helped. I've been going to the library, learning new things, excelling in school, etc., and that has given me something else to focus on, since in the end, we can't really control whether or not they choose to tell us the truth.



Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 38509
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know exactly how you feel. You ask does it ever stop or get easier? Honestly I can't tell you because I wasn't about to stick around long enough with my now x-wife to find out.

But I can only guess that it does get easier, but IMO it will never go away. Which is why I divorced her. I wasn't wanting a life of being even the slightest bit suspicious, no matter how few and far between it might have been.

So the question is, are you willing to just accept it? Because honestly, thats all you can do. And if you aren't willing to accept it, are you prepared to change your life for the better? Find someone better?

Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 39702
Member # 39702
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you! I"m sure it wasn't an easy decision, but at least you knew how you didn't want to feel!
I feel that way sometimes. I think I don't like the way I feel. I was always a trusting person and now I find myself searching phone records, bank records, the list goes on. That's not who I am or who I want to be! I don't like that me!
I hope sooner then later I will have made a decision I can live with and am happy with.
Thanks for the feedback

Me BW (36)
WH (39)
together 16 years
2 kids: 6 DD & 10 month DS
TT: 4/26/13
TT: 5/6/13
more TT: 6/13/13
more TT: 7/9/13

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 31089
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 5th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh does it ever stop or get easier?
In my situation it was most vivid for several months following d-day. I think for me it was because I had 20 years of information that I had to sort through. It was a shock to the system to have my suspicions confirmed. You'd think it would be more lie, "damn, I knew I was right" then move on. Not so. I had to go back and re-validate all the major gaslighting events where I let myself be lead astray.

As it progressed, I learned that my defense mechanism was to automatically believe nothing and assume the worse. Eventually I seen that was an inaccurate assessment of her behavior that only drove me crazy. There were (are) moments that would send me into instant full on suspicion, but they are becoming fewer and farther between and much less intense. When you are ready, you can let your WS know what it is that causes you distrust. That helped me (it didn't fix it, but it helped).

I think I got to the point where I just don't give a shit anymore because it doesn't do me any good to be suspicious without evidence. There are still those "trust your gut red flag moments" that you certainly cannot rugsweep, but some of the worry was unfounded and just makes you sick for no good reason.

If your WS is willing to do the work and you want to consider R, then it is acceptable to give them a road map of sorts to get their general direction set. Once the initial shock of d-day wears off, you'll be in much better shape to analyze the suspicion. In my case I am taking a little too long, retracted my commitment to R and am in limbo somewhere between R & D.

I always hated the expression "trust but verify" because it was devoid of the instant gratification I was seeking. But, it is good that you notice what is happening. You are just spooked at every little sound in the jungle of infidelity. Sooner or later you'll learn what is ok and what is not.

I hope you find your peace soon.

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Feb 2011
♀ 39781
Member # 39781
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad I'm not the only one feeling like this! But how can you go from trusting everything they say and do, finding out about an affair then be expected to believe everything again?!! Because he was so good at lying the first time round, how do I know it is any different now?! Keep thinking of crazy ways to keep track of him, gps tracker etc, but in some ways that doesnt help as I would rather be getting on with life and trusting in stead of wondering when I am going to get stomped all over again!! And how can you ever believe that they only had the one affair? How do you know they havent been going on for years and it was only by chance this one was found out?? (the OWs sister rung me!!!) Killing me not knowing if I should have cut and run almost a year ago or if it is ever going to be alright. It is nearly the anniversary of the affair starting so I think that is bringing up all the emotions again, dont know how to deal with it! Any ideas!!!???

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Australia
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him if he wants to R he must take a polygraph. If he has told you everything,he will jump at the chance to prove it to you. If he's still lying,he will acted insulted,or get angry,or refuse.

If he says he will...go through with it. A lot of the time they will agree,thinking you will back down.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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