Honestly, I'm not sure where to even start. I think this is only my 4th post on here and it seems I can't even bring all my crazy thoughts together in one, sensible, post so I've simply avoided it. Long story short, WH majorly triggered me recently and it has caused another "freak out" episode for me. First incident was 03/17/08 (my son's 1 year birthday and party) The last incident was almost a year ago and STILL there has been no real attempt at true R. So during this last trigger rant I'm coming down hard on how I don't understand how reconciling with me isn't important to him. Pretty much that I can't believe I am STILL waiting after all this time. He e-mailed me back this response:
"I admit that I screwed up by posting inappropriate stuff on the b.b. forum, that my mind shouldn't be in those places with a wife at home whom I treated like crap for so many years.
I admit I haven't done enough to win your trust back. I want to keep figuring out how to gain your trust and help you to realize that I'm not hiding anything else.
I have a hard time navigating these things when I feel overwhelmed, as I'm sure you do too. When we argue, the thought keeps going through my head, "I'm going to lose my wife and kids and my kids are going to grow up without me around," and my mind goes into panic mode. I picture the time I remember hugging my dad's leg when he came to pick me up, then I picture it is Jonas and me, and I feel like dying.
I've tried to research some of this from work, and like I said, some of it is blocked. I never gathered that there was one template to follow to win your trust back.
I'll live as honest and moral as possible - no more sex jokes or talking about sex. I'll go to church with you. I'll take you out more often. I gave you my passwords.
I WILL do whatever it takes if you still have any love for me. Because, if I lose you and if I lose the kids, I'll have ruined everything in my life that was worth anything (and in fact worth everything) to me. What else is there to live for? The next girl to come along? I don't want that.
Part of me feels like you've basically told me to get lost enough times, and that I just need to move out and be done with it. But then you say you don't want the "D word", and I don't know what to think.
I do love you. I do I do I do."
I do hear some remorse but I also hear excuses. I'm currently pregnant with #5 and I know my hormones are all out of whack so maybe I shouldn't be making any decisions about anything right now, but I swear I'm STILL hearing excuses for why he can't do this or why he can't do that.
Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Me (BS): 36 Him (WH): 35
Married 12 years (Each other's 1st)
Children: 9, 8, 6, 3 and 1 month
DDay#1: March 2008 EA turned PA (kissing, holding hands)
DDay#2: August 2012 (ONS with kissing on lips and certain body parts)
Hoping for true R.