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In need of some antiversary support

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Althea posted 7/5/2013 15:32 PM

So, we are solidly in A season. WH's entire A took place within the month of July. He fooled around with OW at his HS reunion, she tracked him down on LinkedIn, they traded emails for a couple of weeks, met at OW's apartment for sex once, then about a week or two later, I saw an email from her on his phone, and the rest is history. Dday was two days before my DD's 2nd birthday. What was I doing during the month of July? Studying my a&* to take the Bar exam while also caring for our two small children full time so I could go back to work. I discovered the A two days after I finished with the exam.

So last night as I am trying to fall asleep I get what I think may be my first nightmare/mind movie. Up until now, I have been blessed in that my mind just hasn't needed or wanted to go there. OW isn't very attractive, and based on their emails, a really insecure and pathetic person who is also likely an alcoholic. My overwhelming feeling toward her is actually pity. Her big come-on to WH when they met up was "I want to have sex with you. I got my tubes tied, so you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant." I mean seriously, how sad. If I'm going to have a mind movie, it might as well be hot sex, and they just didn't have it. Interestingly, the thing that came to me last night that KILLED me is that after their failed attempt at intercourse that night my WH walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight. THIS was the stuff of my mind movies. This tender moment just gutted me.

My WH is great - now. He wasn't during and for the first four months after the A, but has changed his tune thanks to the 180. I can and will talk to him about my feelings, but I'm mad at him and don't really want to yet. For the first time in about six months I have felt anger that has made me question whether I still want to be married. THIS, I feel like is unfair to share with him until I work it out further. He is remorseful and the very real pain that he lives with every day that I do not is that I may leave him and it will be entirely his own doing. That is some heavy baggage to be carrying around, and I don't need to pile it on just for the sake of it.

Anyway, I don't know what the point of this post is other than to say I could use a hug or maybe there are some sage words of wisdom out there that will make the next 3 weeks less awful in some way.

mysticpenguin posted 7/5/2013 16:08 PM


It's "A" season for me too - as you know! :( So sorry for all you're going through.

Weirdly I too had never had any nightmares, mind movies, etc., but I've had nightmares the past two nights. (Nightmares were what my gut used to 'warn' me last time too so I'm really spinning.)

No sage words, I'm so sorry. This is round one for me, too.


Flatlined posted 7/5/2013 16:09 PM


Jrazz posted 7/5/2013 16:34 PM

Yuck. The countdown to August begins, huh?


Althea posted 7/5/2013 17:20 PM

Thanks ladies. My WH took our girls this afternoon to get the car fixed which gave me time to take a nap and a cold shower. When I got out of the shower there was a decaf soy iced latte waiting for me on the bathroom vanity. I was a total mess all day and refused to even speak more than monosyllables to WH. He took it and kept telling me that he loved me. And that made me feel - nothing. But that damned iced coffee had me in tears.

Him forgetting me was one of the most difficult parts of the A. That he could do all of that and never think of me just broke me. Knowing that he is thinking of me when we aren't together appears to mean more than anything he can say.

Sigh, days like this are why I'm still here, and why this is all so crazy making.

sri624 posted 7/5/2013 18:00 PM

i feel your pain.. discovery of false r antiversary is coming up in a few weeks...

HardenMyHeart posted 7/6/2013 00:06 AM


THIS, I feel like is unfair to share with him until I work it out further.

I agree. I know you have many mixed emotions, but overall, it sounds like you're on the right path. As you know, R takes a lot of patience, understanding, and compassion.

I'm not sure if you have forgiven yet, but that may be the next step to work towards. For forgiveness. I found it easier to separate the actions from the person. When I forgave my fWW, I told her that I forgave her, but I could not forgive what she did. After that, R moved along very quickly. Forgiveness took a tremendous burden off my shoulders, and gave me the emotional push I needed to stop dwelling on the past.

Good job to you and your WH on reaching the 1 year milestone.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:07 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Althea posted 7/6/2013 06:53 AM

Thanks HardenMyHeart. I have forgiven and it has made a huge difference.

WH and I went out last night and I was able to articulate what was going on for me. Anger is a difficult emotion for me because at least initially it is so intense. So as much as it sucks for him to know I'm angry and not talking to him for a short while, he understands it is better than the alternative.

I think the intense anger right now has a lot to do with this month and a lot to do with the deathly combo of pregnancy hormones and extreme heat. Not much either of us can do about that.

Thanks for the hugs and support everyone. As usual, just posting here and getting support helped ease my mind so much!

HardenMyHeart posted 7/6/2013 18:42 PM

I have forgiven and it has made a huge difference.

Good for you!

I think the intense anger right now has a lot to do with this month and a lot to do with the deathly combo of pregnancy hormones and extreme heat.

I'm sure the current situation has something to do with the anger, but the root cause of the anger is likely the affair.

I have found that someone remains angry for two basic reasons...The person that caused the damage:
1. has not been punished enough, and/or
2. has not done enough to mitigate the damage.

It is hard to punish someone that has had an affair. You'll read stories on SI where the BS wants to do something to hurt their WS. However, that doesn't sound like your situation.

You mentioned that your WS was not too remorseful after D-day and you had to do the 180 to bring him around. Perhaps you feel he should be doing more? If so, think about what it is you would like to see him do to mitigate the damage. It may be helpful to have an open and honest discussion with your WH about this. See if you can work something out together.

One other suggestion...I firmly believe that loving feelings follow loving actions. You may want to imagine ways you can be more loving to your WH. I know that sounds backwards following D-day, but it really worked for me. When I felt angry, I would go buy my wife flowers, or a card, or try do something nice for her. Sometimes just thinking through all the kind actions and romantic possibilities was enough to mitigate the negative thoughts and feelings.

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