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Old flame and exs as osf?

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darklilly23 posted 7/5/2013 17:27 PM

Is it ok to have old flames and exs as
a friend?
Does that make you comfortable or uncomfortable?

Just wanting to get people's opinion
On this matter. Looking for feed back on either side of the issue. So please
be open and honest with your thoughts on the matter.

[This message edited by darklilly23 at 5:33 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

nowiknow23 posted 7/5/2013 17:27 PM


Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/5/2013 17:51 PM

Opposite sex friends?

Only if both partners agree said person is a friend of the marriage... All convos are shared and above board... no private meetings or sharing of info that can't be shared with the spouse.

If either partner is uncomfortable then that friendship needs to end and be off limits.

foundoutlater posted 7/5/2013 18:04 PM

In a nutshell – NFW. Before the A I was a “modern man”. After the A I struggled with it. I was definitely not comfortable with it. Since the OP was in our circle of friends I compromised and dealt with it in a group setting. I was young and dumb (completely inexperienced). The A rekindled (a just sex thing) and I did not know. It completely devastated me when I found out. So in my experience I conclude that it is crazy for me to think it is OK to be friends with and ex. I can’t speak for two people in a relationship with two healthy people with good boundaries. Defiantly not in my marriage though.

losingmyground posted 7/5/2013 18:42 PM

I am not a big fan of having old flames and/or exs as friends. Especially those that had a sexual nature to them.

It is too easy to get the in the "what if?" state of mind while carrying on these friendships. And majority of the time it makes the spouse uncomfortable.

It is something that needs to be discussed and honored in each relationship.

In my marriage if the spouse says it makes them uncomfortable then the friendship is ended. No questions asked, no fighting.

redvixen posted 7/5/2013 20:12 PM

I stayed friends with an ex boyfriend. Granted, we didn't have any dealings with each other for years after we broke up, and when we did start talking again, I was married to my first husband. He actually became a good friend to both of us - he was the first friend to visit in the hospital when we had our sons.

Now, years later, he has married and they've adopted two girl..and we hardly ever see each other or talk. I've never had any issue with his wife, but he did tell me once that she was uncomfortable with us being friends. So we don't talk privately. And when we do get together at gatherings (we're part of a group that has been friends for nearly 30 years), I make sure to spend most of my time talking to her or WITH BOTH of them. I don't think I'm giving her any reason to be cautious, but I don't want to take any chances.

Neither one of my husbands really had many friends, none of them female, so I never had that problem.

MystiKay posted 7/5/2013 20:32 PM

No. I didn't mind it pre-A. As WH is a really likeable guy. OW was an ex, the first was a work friend. So No for me. I don't have male friends and don't feel the need to.

Nature_Girl posted 7/5/2013 21:19 PM

No. One of the OW in my marriage was an old flame. An old flame who my husband just happened to look up, then give thousands of dollars to, plus presents, plus of course taking her out on the town & fucking.

I'll not be tolerating OSF in any future relationship of mine. NFW.

hobbeskat posted 7/5/2013 21:22 PM

Not anymore. I am still friends (well, on FB) with an ex who I am going to delete as I've been having very wistful thoughts about him (I was with him for 4 years before my WH, and he is lovely). He's got a kid and everything. It's not useful looking back at the past like that. And my WH's A was with a close female friend so he's not allowed those anymore.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:26 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

stillhere09 posted 7/5/2013 23:19 PM

No, it's just not a good idea. Is it possible to be friends and only friends with an ex? Yes, it's possible, but not likely. So why take the chance? Then, too, if one of you are in a relationship, it's bound to make the other half uncomfortable, even if they won't admit it. Why play with fire?

I know there are people who vehemently insist that they can handle it. Maybe so, but the greatest majority BY FAR cannot.

I'm with the other posters - Not in any romantic relationship I have will an ex be allowed even a slim chance of intruding. Never again.

One thing about this that I don't get. So many people say that there's nothing going on, it isn't a big deal. -- If it isn't a big deal, why insist on pursuing the friendship?

My STBX said it was no big deal, they were just friends and that's all. Well, this so-called friendship was more important for him to maintain than a relationship with his wife. Of course it came to light that they were in an affair.

musiclovingmom posted 7/6/2013 00:12 AM

I'm really conflicted about this. 3/5 of my H's OW were old gf's. My best friend is a man who I used to date. We live in a small town and many of our mutual friends are people that one or the other of us used to date. To say absolutely NO exes would mean almost completely isolating ourselves. But, it scares me just the same. Most of the exes we are friends with are mutual friends - people who spend time with our family (though one OW was also). My H and I have opened up communication greatly. That has helped us.

2ndbest posted 7/6/2013 00:32 AM

There's just too much potential for trouble with exes/old flames.Shared memories, old times to talk over and fantasizing about what could have been. WH had a lot of female friends prior to the A and it just never bothered me. But he decided to catch up with an old flame and it quickly became obvious that this wasn't the same. I would never have tolerated this if I knew then what I know now.

Bluebird26 posted 7/6/2013 04:22 AM

Once upon a time I was supportive of exwh being 'friends' with his ex's. One later became a 'friend' of the marriage, and became one of my closest friends. Exwh then cheated on me with both his ex's.

So for me the answer would probably be no.

solus sto posted 7/6/2013 11:23 AM

No. Absolutely not. IME, "old flame" = affair waiting to happen.

darklilly23 posted 7/6/2013 16:17 PM

Do any of you think there is a social expectation for people to stay friends with exs?

Do you think that things were the same way with our parents generation?

Do you think it has anything to do with divorce rates being higher? blended family's etc?

OnAnIsland posted 7/6/2013 16:30 PM


Well in my case both d days are due to old flames as osfs, one of which i knew of and was comfortable with. My trust for WH was absolute. We wouldn't betray each other in that way. Hmmm

Granted I didn't know that marriedOW was an old flame or old ONS until after d day exploded my world.

But the second d day for an earlier phone sex relationship had been invited to our wedding. We exchanged gifts for babies etc.

As far as I know, there is only one ex left. And I am thinking that no more activities or contact are necessary with her.

And as for me, well I have always had good boundaries and don't keep exes around as osfs. It doesn't seem right.

sisoon posted 7/6/2013 17:05 PM

Well, I've done it with one XGF without crossing boundaries, but I think she wanted me to cross 'em, so we've both stopped contact.

It's a loss for me. She knew me when I was 16-22 (but we dated only for a few months when I was 16), and it was nice to have someone who has memories of the same time and events that I do.

Funny, she warned me way back that my W2B had me in her sights (I didn't realize it). A few months ago, W said she thought XGF had me in her sights. It looks like both were right.

Just to be clear: I wish our relationship had been a real friendship. Since it wasn't, I'm happy it's over.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:07 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

wannarun posted 7/6/2013 17:05 PM

No no and hell NO!! I can't stand him talking to anyone of the opposite sex!! Unreasonable? Probably..... but they are all potential home wreckers in my opinion!! He's nicer to strangers than he is to me and that gets under my skin big time!!

soverybetrayed posted 7/6/2013 19:19 PM

I was friends with my xh when I met my xwh and introduced them. We did things to help my 1stx as he was new back to town. He was even at the party when my xwh proposed to me. He left as it made him uncomfortable and I respected him for that. My xwh never had an issue with him being around but we kinda stopped hanging out after the engagement.

After the divorce I reached out the 1stxh as he lives in a state that I was considering moving to. His wife got upset that I contacted him so I have never contacted him again. I guess she is afraid that we might get to close but I have no desire to go there again. He is one hot mess and I have been there done that and do not need a repeat.

I have not stayed friends with many x's but my xwh had a ton of female friends and some were just a bit too ick for my liking. I never stopped him from having female friends until the end when he was cheating with gutter slut neighbor. He was worthless anyway so she can have him.

stillhere09 posted 7/6/2013 20:56 PM

Do any of you think there is a social expectation for people to stay friends with exs?

No, there is no social circle that I have ever been in that would expect this. It has been my experience that when two people who used to date happen to run into each other in a social situation, they acknowledge each other with a "hello," and that is all. If they hold a conversation, the gossipers begin speculating.

Do you think that things were the same way with our parents generation?

I think that what I described above was usually the way it was handled in the generation before us. I'm not saying it is usually handled that way now, but we would be better off it if was.

Do you think it has anything to do with divorce rates being higher? blended family's etc?

Since many extra-marital affairs are with an ex, I would say Yes. Although there are other factors that has caused the divorce rates to skyrocket since I was a kid.

These comments are all Just My Opinion.

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