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Helen of Troy posted 7/5/2013 18:54 PM

I'm still having self esteem and self worth issues which is amping up insecurity in my relationship of nine exclusive months. I don't act on these feelings, but so ready to move beyond this. Why is it so difficult? Part of it is my exhusband's words haunting me. Go away, shoo! Is it impossible to overcome years of distorted programming?

Is anyone else out there still feeling insecure in a committed relationship when there are no red flags?

Amazonia posted 7/5/2013 19:25 PM

Feeling secure in a relationship and having self esteem are separate issues, that, while they might affect one another, are unrelated.

Your relationship, no matter how healthy, isn't going to fix your self esteem. Are you in IC? What are you actively doing toward your own healing?

cayc posted 7/5/2013 20:05 PM

I get the tie-in though. You have negative tapes playing in your head, it causes you to interpret things in your relationship weirdly / causes you to have to analyze your thoughts & actions in your relationship to ensure that you're accurately interpreting instead of reacting to negative tapes ....

That can get exhausting. And yes, it can create insecurities in a relationship that is actually going quite well. I myself am beginning to deal with this very thing as I embark upon what I think is going to be a relationship of some worth. (See what I did there ... "what I think" ... now where do you think that doubt is coming from lol).

It's true a good IC can help you challenge those negative thoughts and if you can afford it, you should pursue that avenue.

But you can do this yourself too. So when you think "gah! I am worthless and ugly, just like xWH (my mom, or whoever) said", purposefully stop and ask yourself. Really? Is this really true? Do I really believe this? Or am I just scared because tomorrow I have to give a big presentation at work. Something that I've done successfully many times before. So many times in fact that fuck it, I'm not worthless and ugly. I'm smart, talented, and can get the job done."

That's kind of simplistic, but you get the idea. Negative self talk takes purposeful intent and strength of will to overcome. You have to re-program your brain, re-program the way your synapses are firing if you will. It takes time. But it's doable. And you've survived a lot to get to your NB so you can conquer this too.

[This message edited by cayc at 9:37 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

caregiver9000 posted 7/6/2013 09:19 AM

oh, (((wgb))), this breaks my heart.

Turn off that negative ninny inside your head! Right now. Do it!

You are a wonderful person. Lots and lots of people love you and care for you. You are beautiful inside and out. You have a spine of steel and a heart of gold. You are a fierce mama bear and a fun and supportive friend.

I don't think it is impossible to reverse the programming but I do believe it takes consistent and constant counter measures. Part of the problem is that co-parenting (snort!) does not allow us to just turn that voice off. The very best we can do perhaps is turn the volume way down low, to an annoying buzz.

Empower your own inner voice to make statements and not questions. Go mama bear for YOU.

And then smile at that big hunky man and relax.

Pass posted 7/6/2013 18:54 PM

My oldest son has issues with worry - has for a long time - so we've been reading "Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Dummies". It's a fantastic book and really helps you tackle all that negative self-talk.