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hobbeskat posted 7/5/2013 20:54 PM

I Love you, you know. You're the most fabulous, engaging and comforting person I've ever met. I adore you and think sweet things about you nearly constantly. I'm absolutely raging at myself for what I've done, both to you and to myself. I really really adore you, and appreciate our life together. I don't want this to be ruined.

I'm very busy at work so can't turn this into a proper conversation, sorry. But remember, I Love you xxx

He says things like this all the time, he tells me he loves me as soon as I wake up in the morning. He wakes me up for work when he gets back with a coffee and lies next to me and tells me he loves me; I'm barely awake but it's the first thing I hear every day.

And I do love him, too, but it just feels so much less. He is trying so hard. I need to let myself soften a bit and not be so hardened. To let us be, sometimes. It'll take time, but at least he is trying to show me what I mean to him (and he is showing- NC, total transparency, I have his Facebook permanently logged into my phone, going to MC with me and really putting in the work there, listening to me, letting me talk, being lovely in general).

But I'm so scared of softening. I'm so scared my strong feelings are gone forever. I'm so scared of being hurt again. I'm struggling to get over my feelings of humiliation. He says it's him who should be ashamed, is ashamed, that it's not me and I did nothing wrong, and when I tell him I feel so weak, he tells me I am strong. And I know that in a lot of ways but it's hard to accept. And I know him, and I know his reaction is to run from a problem, so him being here and going through this, when he can see how much pain I am in, and caused it, is a big thing. He says we're brilliant together when things are good. I know we are- we must have been, we got married- but why can't I remember? Why can all I think about is that we must not have been as good as we thought? That maybe I have been wrong? Is this normal?

Anyway, just me bibbling. He is lovely, really. A lovely, flawed person.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 9:00 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

ms521 posted 7/5/2013 22:08 PM


IStillLoveHim2 posted 7/5/2013 23:23 PM

Couldn't have written the post any better. I hadn't thought of it as "not softening" but once I read it it makes so much sense. My WH tells me nonstop that he loves me and cant wait to spend more time together. I find myself not responding to his gestures or forcing a response to him. I believe hes in it for the right reasons but it's hard to believe or take what he says at face value. I want to be married - I want HIM as my husband. I just don't know how to accept it all and believe it could be real.

[This message edited by IStillLoveHim2 at 11:25 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Althea posted 7/6/2013 07:28 AM


Here comes the dreaded T word: time. If your WH keeps consistently showing you through his actions that he is trustworthy, it will get easier to allow yourself to feel love and happiness. At a year out, I still struggle with this; but it is getting better. Last night I was able to be with my WH just loving him without the love with an asterisk that has defined my feelings since Dday. I wish for more days like this, but recognize that it is a process one can't rush. You need to give yourself the space to heal.

PrincessPeach06 posted 7/6/2013 12:54 PM

I am finding just in the past couple days that the more I pull back the harder he tries. It almost feels mean but I am trying to figure out how to strengthen myself and not be clingy no matter how I'm feeling inside. It's hard for me because I see him trying but I don't want him to think he can walk all over me in the future.

OnAnIsland posted 7/6/2013 16:13 PM

Yup. Going with time and consistency. But letting yourself be vulnerable- that to me is what the softening is about in my case at least- is really scary. It seems like a bad plan to let yourself be vulnerable to the person who already showed you just how much you matter and how much care they take of your heart. So time and consistent supportive actions. Hang in there. but take your time.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 4:14 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Sleepless22 posted 7/6/2013 19:59 PM

My WH has started sending me texts like this all the time. It is hard to be vulnerable and I'm just not there. I have hardened and it is so hard to soften again. We can be good together but I sometimes wonder if we will ever be right together again. Hugs hobbeskat. I hate the dreaded word "time" but I think that is the answer unfortunately.

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