But something finally clicked in him, he cried about the pain he caused me, apologized for how much he hurt me. I finally felt real remorse from him. I had been living with one foot out the door for to long, just waiting for him to screw up again, but not really wanting to leave. And now he's really trying, he still doesn't love me but he knows he needs IC to figure out why and what happened, and MC as well. It's been a couple good Weeks, him not letting me push him away. But I can't get both feet inside the door, I want to...most of the time. I haven't wanted R from the beginning, at first because I didn't want to lose to "her", and second because of the kids, but all along being in limbo, hoping he would "change".
So why am I still keeping one foot out? Ready to leave on a moments notice? Ready to close the walls completely around my heart?
If that's not a typo, I would say that's a pretty big impediment to getting both feet back in the door!
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
So no he doesn't love me like a wife, but he wants to and wants to figure out why he doesn't. He wants to stay together and work thru everything. We have had a very stressful M of almost 10 years that would put a lot of couples thru D, so I know we have a lot of work together and individually. The biggest thing for me is he's finally really trying
Trying to see the positives while looking at my children's beautiful smiles
By your account its taken him an awful long time to come out of the "fog" or whatever altered state he was in during and post-A. Perhaps he has deep, and I mean deep rectal-cranial inversion.
I don't blame you for keeping one foot out the door with someone like that. I think it's wise. R must have seemed truly hopeless and downright impossible a lot of the time. Don't change your position until you see more action, a lot more action.
He has a lot of catching up to do and a lot of making up to do. Set your conditions for R. If he wants it he'll do anything to make you feel safe. You may have to remind him often. some people are slow learners when it comes to this touchy-feely stuff. We're here for you.
We are in R.
I think you can prepare both to R and to D simultaneously. That sounds like the safest course for you, which makes it the best course.
If he continues to work for R, and if you want to R, you can decide not to split in October. No need to change your mind until then.
[This message edited by sisoon at 8:35 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]
It's a relief to hear that I am "normal" in my feelings. I just didn't want my feelings to ruin possible R, but like you guys said it's only been a couple of Weeks. He does have a lot to show/prove to make me want to R and not D. So for right now I'm doing neither, I've been living in limbo for almost 3 years now so what's a few more months, at least this time there's a light at the end of the tunnel and wh's actually finally showing me change not just talking a bunch of shit with no actions! So that is progress. His next step (and mine too) it's IC, but financially we can't do that right now, but hopefully soon. He's finally ready for it and knows he needs it with or without R.
[This message edited by scangel3 at 1:27 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]
I'm sorry I'm rambling, but you are not alone scangel. Hugs to you. If you ever need to work through any feelings, please feel free to PM me.
I know I need IC and time. My fear when I wrote this op was that my uncertainty would sabotage the R that we/he is working on. But now I know I feel a little more comfortable with keeping my options still open either way. It does feel good on some level, or maybe reassuring is a better word, that WH is the one pulling us through R right now, and not me, as it has been for so long.
I hope you find an IC that you're comfortable with like your wh did, thank you for your support!
It hurts when the person you love says they don't "love" you anymore. I'm in limbo too and I hate it. Been like that for a year.
Pain doesn't cease sometimes.
My fear when I wrote this up was that my uncertainty would sabotage the R that we/he is working on.
Let's not "blame" your uncertainty, but I'm very concerned that no movement forward will sabotage R.
Let's look at a change of heart: Immediately after Dday BS are devastated and expect their WS to move heaven and earth to "fix the problem," when the problem(s) aren't resolved they get discouraged.
So no he doesn't love me like a wife, but he wants to and wants to figure out why he doesn't.
Limbo, ambivalence and the status quo has gone on for too long.
affording even $20 a session, that we would break us financially, for now at least.