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wh wants to R, but i'm stuck in limbo

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scangel3 posted 7/5/2013 21:55 PM

WH is really trying...FINALLY, but it's been 3+ years of lies, 2+ years of TT, I held on for so long, finally deciding I was done, but couldn't leave until October for financial reasons. So I started the 180, for me not to change him, I knew I deserves better and wanted/needed more in life then an un-remorseful WH that doesn't love me.

But something finally clicked in him, he cried about the pain he caused me, apologized for how much he hurt me. I finally felt real remorse from him. I had been living with one foot out the door for to long, just waiting for him to screw up again, but not really wanting to leave. And now he's really trying, he still doesn't love me but he knows he needs IC to figure out why and what happened, and MC as well. It's been a couple good Weeks, him not letting me push him away. But I can't get both feet inside the door, I want to...most of the time. I haven't wanted R from the beginning, at first because I didn't want to lose to "her", and second because of the kids, but all along being in limbo, hoping he would "change".

So why am I still keeping one foot out? Ready to leave on a moments notice? Ready to close the walls completely around my heart?

ms521 posted 7/5/2013 22:12 PM

Question: did you really say "he still doesn't love me..."

If that's not a typo, I would say that's a pretty big impediment to getting both feet back in the door!

scangel3 posted 7/5/2013 22:24 PM

Yes I did say that, it's no typo, but he's been trying. We have a lot to get thru to actually R, and it's not all A related. He stopped loving me about a year before his A when I was still dealing with ppd and didn't realize how far apart we had gotten. That's why he needs IC to figure out why and how to get back there.

So no he doesn't love me like a wife, but he wants to and wants to figure out why he doesn't. He wants to stay together and work thru everything. We have had a very stressful M of almost 10 years that would put a lot of couples thru D, so I know we have a lot of work together and individually. The biggest thing for me is he's finally really trying

Leigh1983 posted 7/5/2013 22:59 PM

I know how you feel. At times I want him to screw up so we can split without me being the cause. I feel like I'm 'stuck' with R because in the beginning I made the choice to forgive and I didn't want to lose my husband and family. Now that some time has passed and it has all sunk in, I'm not so sure I can forget.

betraydtwice posted 7/5/2013 23:02 PM

I feel that way alot too. Limbo sucks

Knowing posted 7/6/2013 07:22 AM

Could it be that it's not so much a matter of him not loving you but that he's so screwed up he doesn't know what love is anymore?

By your account its taken him an awful long time to come out of the "fog" or whatever altered state he was in during and post-A. Perhaps he has deep, and I mean deep rectal-cranial inversion.

I don't blame you for keeping one foot out the door with someone like that. I think it's wise. R must have seemed truly hopeless and downright impossible a lot of the time. Don't change your position until you see more action, a lot more action.

He has a lot of catching up to do and a lot of making up to do. Set your conditions for R. If he wants it he'll do anything to make you feel safe. You may have to remind him often. some people are slow learners when it comes to this touchy-feely stuff. We're here for you.

sisoon posted 7/6/2013 08:33 AM

A couple of good weeks probably shouldn't be enough to pull any sane BS into R, so there's nothing wrong in my book with not committing to R at this point. Especially when you add the not-in-love factor - but even without it - I'd be more concerned if you committed to R now, on such little evidence.

I think you can prepare both to R and to D simultaneously. That sounds like the safest course for you, which makes it the best course.

If he continues to work for R, and if you want to R, you can decide not to split in October. No need to change your mind until then.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:35 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

scangel3 posted 7/6/2013 13:26 PM

Thank you everyone for your replies and support.

It's a relief to hear that I am "normal" in my feelings. I just didn't want my feelings to ruin possible R, but like you guys said it's only been a couple of Weeks. He does have a lot to show/prove to make me want to R and not D. So for right now I'm doing neither, I've been living in limbo for almost 3 years now so what's a few more months, at least this time there's a light at the end of the tunnel and wh's actually finally showing me change not just talking a bunch of shit with no actions! So that is progress. His next step (and mine too) it's IC, but financially we can't do that right now, but hopefully soon. He's finally ready for it and knows he needs it with or without R.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 1:27 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Sleepless22 posted 7/6/2013 18:43 PM

I completely understand. I thought I really wanted to R. He was not working on himself for several months and then he started IC and finally woke up. Now here we are. He is begging to stay and give him another chance and I don't think there is any way to repair it. I have basically given up on the marriage while he is working overtime to try and reassure me. I am just past the point of caring one way or the other. I keep hoping this feeling is temporary and I cannot tell if it is the plain or if it is disengagement from the relationship. I know the moment I gave up partially, I'm not sure at the time I gave up completely. I found out his A lasted longer than I thought. I found out in 8/2012 that it continued until 7/13/2012 rather than 6/26/12. I know it may not seem like a long time compared to yours but it's still that discovery that changed everything. Maybe you have had one too that is the deal breaker. He keeps begging for another chance and to marry him again. I just tell him we don't always get what we want in life.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but you are not alone scangel. Hugs to you. If you ever need to work through any feelings, please feel free to PM me.

scangel3 posted 7/6/2013 19:15 PM

Thank you sleepless, I am not sure of I can ever really get over ask the TT, the A itself I think I could, it's the years of lying that has me stuck. I hate that other people are in the same position as me, but it's also a comfort to know I'm not alone.

I know I need IC and time. My fear when I wrote this op was that my uncertainty would sabotage the R that we/he is working on. But now I know I feel a little more comfortable with keeping my options still open either way. It does feel good on some level, or maybe reassuring is a better word, that WH is the one pulling us through R right now, and not me, as it has been for so long.

Sleepless22 posted 7/6/2013 19:54 PM

That was it for me. It wasn't so much the A's as it was all the lying that goes with it and the TT. I finally got answers about the first A in September/October of last year. But I also didn't find SI until after the second one. He is leading R now as I gave up trying to pull us through. I don't know if it feels any better but it gives me options. I know that either way I have to live with my choices and I still haven't decided what the best one is. My IC didn't help me but I am working on getting another one. Have you checked in your area to see if there is an income based mental health group or one that works with people with no insurance? That is who we see. There are good and bad ones in the group. Fortunately my WH, who needed it way more than I did, got a good one which has helped him through his PTSD and FOO issues. I just couldn't relate to mine. She was 20 something with no life experience who was good at listening but I need someone who can talk me through it. Someone who will call BS if I need it. I hope you get what you need soon.

scangel3 posted 7/7/2013 01:03 AM

Thank you sleepless, there is counseling available it's just a matter of affording even $20 a session, that we would break us financially, for now at least. There is one program we can use, we used it right after final dday, it is thru the local college, it's the psych majors that are just about to graduate. It was good for our communication problems, but like you said they had no real life experience, at least not this stuff. So the major A issues were really basically rug swept or moved over. For a couple that was just needing a third party to talk with or wasn't facing major life choices that would effect kids too, that program would be great. I also did IC through our insurance when I had ppd, my last session with her I mentioned that I thought my husband was having an affair because of texts I found, this was right after dday #1, she said are you sure, I said yes. And that was all on that discussion, we ended that session by her telling me (from the ppd not the A) that I was just a person that would never be able to let go of guilt, I would just need to push it down as far as I could. I had only seen her 4-5 times over a 2-3 month period. So I'm reluctant to go back to someone within our insurance plus it still costs more then we can afford at this time.

I hope you find an IC that you're comfortable with like your wh did, thank you for your support!

2married2quit posted 7/15/2013 11:22 AM

scangel3 I know what you mean. My wife claims she doesn't "Love" me anymore. Cares for me, but is not in love. It's been a year since DDAY, watched her detox, come down from the fog, hate herself, cry, scream, want to leave me..etc etc.

It hurts when the person you love says they don't "love" you anymore. I'm in limbo too and I hate it. Been like that for a year.

Pain doesn't cease sometimes.

ladies_first posted 7/15/2013 14:26 PM

My fear when I wrote this up was that my uncertainty would sabotage the R that we/he is working on.

Let's not "blame" your uncertainty, but I'm very concerned that no movement forward will sabotage R.

Let's look at a change of heart: Immediately after Dday BS are devastated and expect their WS to move heaven and earth to "fix the problem," when the problem(s) aren't resolved they get discouraged.

So no he doesn't love me like a wife, but he wants to and wants to figure out why he doesn't.

If this is the crux of the matter, then I think (like Sleepless22 said) IC *now* --while he's ready, willing and able -- is paramount.

Limbo, ambivalence and the status quo has gone on for too long.

affording even $20 a session, that we would break us financially, for now at least.
Then take out a loan. Beg, borrow (but don't steal) the funds. If he "gets it" that this is a make-it-or-break-it issue, he will be motivated.

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