"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Athena1979 posted 7/5/2013 22:38 PM

Quick story:
12/27/12 found many, many, many texts from husband to prostitutes for the past 6 months.

Even while I was pregnant. Husband blamed me for his infidelity. Agreed to MC. MC said everything my fault. (I'm not communicating)

Came up with plan to better marriage. Doing plan. Checked husbands phone. More texts to prostitutes.

Our infant daughter was scheduled for brain surgery in April. I told friends I couldn't handle stress of a 6 month old having brain surgery and kicking him out and would wait until after surgery to confront.

4/8/13 surgery is over. Daughter doing better. I'm home for the week. Husbands home for the week. We have a great week together.

4/15/13 checked husband's phone and texts to a prostitute the day before. $225 an hour. $125 half hour. At the time, she was busy with one client who was a 2 minute no sex man but pays for an hour.

I flip out and kick him out. After a few weeks, he agrees to being completely open with everything, and give me access to bank account, phone, emails, everything.

I'm scared to death of divorce and agree. He comes back.

Today, have a follow up visit for our baby's surgery. More surgery may be needed from brain surgery. Husband says he isn't feeling well and wants me to take kids to daycare.

This was at 1100. I call him at 200. He says he hasn't picked up the kids yet because he was at his friends house. Hmmmm.

Daycare calls and says husband just picked up kids at 300. Hmmmm.

Checked integrated text messages online.

Nope. He wasn't at friends house and he wasn't at doctor for being sick.

He contacted 2 prostitutes. One from backpage who's new. And the other one and oldie and a favorite (who apparently they are making a porno together according to text)

This was at work. Shouldn't have checked at work. Shouldn't have.

My heart started racing, it was hard to breathe. I didn't know if I should cry. I'm a supervisor and didn't want my employees to see me crying.

I didn't have anyone to talk to. My boss was out of town so couldn't confide in him.

Found hr, but my person wasn't there. They aren't counselors anyway. One lady was there and she asked if I was ok. I said no and left.

Got to the center floor and couldn't do it. Went back and talked to the hr hiring lady, because I just had to talk to anyone!

She was nice and all. We figured that I feel I am just tolerating his behavior because I can't afford him gone and I just NEED some kind of plan to get him away from me!

She gave me EAP stuff and told me I need to get info on counselors, attorneys and financial advisors for help.

Went out to car. New trainee got real concerned for me. Told her I need to make some calls and asked if she could watch my team.

When I got back in, I found poc to my boss waiting for me. He pulled me aside and told me just to go home.

I started crying and said I don't want to go home to my husband.

I didn't want to talk to him about it. I didn't really know him.

The trainee seen me come back and she pulled me into a room and I just talked about everything to her. I was crying, she was crying- because she had a similar situation with a prior boyfriend.

I told her I feel stuck, I can't afford to kick him out. And then, he is with our daughters and I don't know anymore if he would do anything inappropriate with him, like he does with prostitutes.

And that I'm worried my daughters will end up with guys like him.

And hating the dishonesty and never being able to trust anyone ever again.

And my work is now being impacted by all of this. And if I don't have my job, I'm really screwed!

I came up with a plan to see a counselor to get my head on straight. I'm going to talk to an attorney to make sure I do everything legally. And then, by next week, this porn star is going to be a homeless porn star.

We came up with a funny nickname for him. I wanted to be like Ashland13 and have something condescending, but appropriate, for my husband.

I know call my husband Movie Star (since he is working on a porn film).

This forum helps me out whenever I feel sad.

I just need support and hugs right now.

Thanks for letting me vent and just let it out.

[This message edited by Athena1979 at 10:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

lieshurt posted 7/5/2013 22:42 PM

(((Athena)))

I'm so very sorry for your pain.

nowiknow23 posted 7/5/2013 22:49 PM

Oh, sweetie.

Screw movie star and his pathetic disgusting porno prostitute buddies. Follow through on the lawyer - the sooner the better.

(((((Athena)))))

Jrazz posted 7/5/2013 22:53 PM

((((Athena1979)))

Nature_Girl posted 7/5/2013 23:02 PM

He's making a porno with a prostitute? Sister, please, it's time to get an attorney. It's also time to gather around you people IRL to walk with you through the shitstorm that's about to rain down on you. No matter what you ultimately decide to do, this is going to be hard. We'll be here for you, but you MUST have people IRL to lean on.

(((HUGS)))

Athena1979 posted 7/6/2013 06:12 AM

Thank you for the hugs!

Yes. He is working on a porno with one of the prostitutes.

She apparently already has one made with another client, just made, and the suggestion was brought up that they make one.

He responded that it would take more than the hour he pays for. Then they lol'd it and she said they would have to discuss the details in person.

I feel my friends have to get tired of me talking about it.

They have their happy lives and here's my toxic life full of sadness and despair.

I found out I have good support at work. But I hate people knowing about it.

I have gone past the shame part of emotion and find myself being more sarcastic, cynical and callous.

Thank you again for your support!

Athena1979 posted 7/6/2013 06:16 AM

Oh. I'm feeling a bit better with budget and finances.

I'm going to suspend my cable and my phone service until school starts and I can afford daycare again.

Everyone tells me, I will get child support.

But try getting blood from a turnip.

I can only rely on myself right now.

Last person I can count on us my husband.

He'll go to jail? Heck, he'd probably like being someone's bitch!

nowiknow23 posted 7/6/2013 09:08 AM

I'm so glad you are feeling better about your finances. That is a major concern and the relief is undoubtedly huge.

Tripletrouble posted 7/6/2013 09:53 AM

Hugs Athena. That is too much on any one plate. I hope your precious baby is recovering.

selkiescot posted 7/6/2013 10:05 AM

(((((((ahena))))))

Kalliopeia posted 7/6/2013 10:33 AM

you might consider how much more focused and calmer you would be if he was out of the picture of your day to day life.

your husband is sucking your energy out of you, distressing you with his actions ( which are prett terrible, they really are).

You are worried about your girls? Then he needs to be out of the house, with you as sole custody parent. There are loads of people who will assist you if you would reach out to them.

People who will help you with your childcare.

Hugs to you.

solus sto posted 7/6/2013 11:03 AM

((((Athena))) I'm so sorry.

Your plan sounds like a good one.

What a loser Mr. Porn Star is. Creep.

Skan posted 7/6/2013 18:56 PM

And do make sure that you take all copies of his correspondence to your lawyer. It might help you greatly with custody, especially if you're worried that he might want to kickstart his daughter's "film career."

Athena1979 posted 7/6/2013 19:13 PM

Agreed. I have been making copies.

Before I kick him out for good, I'm going to check his email - the naughty one that he said he deleted, but didn't - and print emails sent, received and deleted.

I know he's using it, because there have been correspondence via text referring the prostitutes to his email.

I checked his phone this morning.

Get this: in his browser history, between sexmagazine.com were the pages for "6 ways to handle your difficult wife" and "how to treat severe depression".

I have some suggestions for that. DON'T SLEEP WITH PROSTITUTES!!!!

And the depression, well, stop making everyone around you depressed by SLEEPING WITH PROSTITUTES!

Wait...my bad...did I say sleeping?

Maybe he should do more sleeping and less f@@ing around.

I just feel, and have realized, that I have been nothing more than a free prostitute to him.

nowiknow23 posted 7/6/2013 19:21 PM

((((Athena))))

Kajem posted 7/6/2013 19:59 PM

(((((Athena)))))

pendant posted 7/6/2013 20:33 PM

Athena, I am going to be as gentle as I possibly can, considering that this is more severe than many situations. You are being to flippant about the disrespect and disregard that your H is inflicting on you and his family. You have proof of his depravity and putting yourself and children at risk (diseases, pimps etc) and you speak of it in a matter of fact tone. You refer to one of his emails as "naughty."...how about picturing your child seeing father is an F--- movie years from now? YOu want to be nice about someone who F--- prostitutes and foot the bill? How about using the words that he's using with these prostitutes to describe him? Use words that describe what he's doing to you...please...if your friends are getting tired it's maybe because they are waiting for you to take control...you allowed him to continue with a pattern of DESPICABLE AND SLEAZY behavior,and he will get bolder with time. From your words, you just do not come across as disgusted and outraged with POS you are married to.... you are being too nice, and that is what he is counting on...

[This message edited by pendant at 8:38 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Athena1979 posted 7/6/2013 20:53 PM

Thank you for your honesty.

It is enlightening. I know I am in coping mode.

That I probably why I had a breakdown at work.

Because I am holding so much back.

Not saying anything, when I want to scream at him and at everyone.

Everyone talks about the reconciliation thing. My husband shows no remorse. He blames me.

He acts as though I owe him something. He looks at me like I should be having sex with him and doing more with him. Or I should be cowtowing to him for some reason and gets mad at me for not groveling at his feet.

The other day he asked me if I wanted to try having another kid. I said..."um...no". He then asked, "you wanna practice making one?". At that point I snapped a little, but just said, "hell no!" In my head, I was thinking, I've just had to get tested for std (no aids, no std) because of you.

And, as strange as it is, I'm not all thy attracted to guys who objectify and degrade women and mess around by spending their money on whores instead of contributing to our family!

I just want a man! I don't want a little boy who has to pay women to pretend to enjoy him.

If that's the case, I should be getting paid too.

pendant posted 7/6/2013 21:21 PM

Forgot how to quote..here goes, but you say

I just want a man!

. don't you just want to be happy? Even without a man?
Did he start equating you with a prostitute or did you do that to yourself? YOU ARE NOT A PERSON WHO EXPECTS TO BE PAID FOR LOVING SOMEONE!!! Please don't do this to yourself. If you read the Healing Library and other posts you will see that people who break trust.. are broken people. The problem is not with you, it's with the person you married. Read up on the 180. The Healing Library is a series of enlightening well written articles by people who experienced both sides of infidelity (look at yellow box to the top left of your screen).
Wanted to add- reach out to your friends and listen to them! 15 years later. I regret not believing what they said, and following their advice ( speaking of good friends)

[This message edited by pendant at 9:41 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]