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Do you ever wish you had left sooner?

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PhantomLimb posted 7/5/2013 23:28 PM

My DDay was a little over 8 weeks ago. By week 3 I had had enough of his cake eating and blame shifting, refused his clumsy attempts at a half-R (he suggested I get a sublet in case MC didn't go we'll so he wouldn't have to come home at night to me being angry because that would be hard-- poor baby!), quit my job in his office, moved out of state, found a new job and have started looking for a new place of my own. I demanded NC from him until mid-July to give myself these weeks to reset my life without his input or crap. I basically left him to stew in the new life he chose for himself. Right now, I have no intention of breaking NC next week.

The idea of him contacting ME though is terrifying. I have no idea if he stayed with IC, is with the OW, is happy with his new life, wants me back, etc. I'm 99.9% sure I have acted in the right way and I've been telling myself what he wants does not matter: I am not taking him back, even if he makes that an option. However, this brings me to my question to you all:

Sometimes I worry I didn't give him enough time. I've posted elsewhere that I worry I've been "too strong" and you have all been so helpful in letting me know there is no such thing in these circumstances! BUT, for those of you who worked through a DDay or had what was ultimately a false R, do you ever wish you did what I seem to be doing by leaving right away? Are you ever grateful that you gave them another chance, even if it didn't work out? Do you think when they are broken, they are broken no matter what?

When I think about filling a new place with our furniture and living in it alone, I get so sad. I start to wonder, if it turns out he does want to R, do I owe it to our decade + together to give it another try? Or can I afford to waste any more time on him? I'm in my early/mid 30s now... Young enough for a fresh start with someone else after a year or two of healing... Too old, perhaps, to give a WS another shot...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:32 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/5/2013 23:32 PM

I wish I'd divorced him when I first got an inkling that he was a cheater. But I didn't.

I wish I'd divorced him when his narcisstic mask came off and he began raging at me and abusing me. But I didn't.

I wish I'd divorced him when I thought he was a sex addict. But I didn't.

I wish I'd divorced him before we had children. But I didn't.

I wish I'd divorced him when I caught him sexually acting out with a baby in his arms. But I didn't.

I wish, I wish, I wish...

aLadypilot posted 7/5/2013 23:33 PM

Yes! I would have been off better financially had I left when I originally filed for divorce back in 2003, before the OC was born.

Went through false reconciliation for a while, and then just limbo for a while.

All said and done, I'm managing financially on my own, get along civilly with my ex (even though I still harbor some hostility. ) and I have moved on with my life. As you can see, I'm 10 years out now, so please don't rush yourself. I would only recommend haste, if your finances are likely to be devastated. Best wishes.

[This message edited by aLadypilot at 11:34 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/5/2013 23:43 PM

Haste is exactly it. I feel like this has all happened so fast...

I'm not even sure why it happened. I don't blame myself, but I wish we could have done MC to learn where our communication broke down.

I keep thinking that if it were me and I lost my way and did something this horrible, once I got out of the fog, I would die for a chance at R and I would give it my all. If he wanted to try, I would tell him he has to leave his current job (the OW is a coworker), come out to where I am now, etc. That alone would be so hard, if he agreed to it, it would be such a huge step...

But, then again, I offered him R for those first three weeks and he just messed it all up. At first he was remorseful, broke it off with her, was trying to move mountains. But as the days went on and I had a few outbursts, he started to pull away, get cruel, and then started up the A again. That's why I left.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/5/2013 23:53 PM

I think he has to be moving mountains to even get a chance at R with you.. If he's not coming around begging and groveling at your feet, I would be sure I was doing the right thing, even if it feels hasty..

To answer your initial question, yeah, I wish I had left sooner. Hell, he was such an asshole, I had reasons to leave before I even found out he cheated.. I guess for my dreams of being a family and for the kids I always tried to make it work..

If your WH was being cruel, you didn't have to give him 1 more second of your time. FTG..


wannabenormal posted 7/6/2013 00:54 AM

Honestly, in hindsight, I wish I'd had the balls to tell him to walk on D-day.

I did not and put up with far more than I needed to past that. I was a pussy. I wish I hadn't been.

(sorry for the p-word, not really in my vocab, but that IS what I was at the time).

SweetheartVixen posted 7/6/2013 01:15 AM

Oh yes. I wished Id have divorced him, hmm let me think. When I got my first STD and he had NO clue why. Sureeeeeee, right!
Or when he physically abused me.
But mostly I wished Id divorced him many many years ago. Then I could have had a much better life!
Let someone else have the compulsive lying NPD,PA,CA Sa.I have had MORE than enough.

Phoenix1 posted 7/6/2013 01:23 AM

If it weren't for the kids, I would have left after D-Day#1. I had always told him, even before getting married, that infidelity was the ONE thing I absolutely would never tolerate or forgive. However, I am glad I stuck it out to allow the kids to get older to better be able to handle it. It was absolute hell for me, but a price I was willing to pay. After hearing so many horror stories involving younger children, I am relieved I don't have that added stress (and feel SO sorry for those that do!).

The bottom line, everyone is different and everyone has their own breaking point. Only you can determine if ending it quickly is right for you. At this point, I would rather be alone than remain in a toxic relationship.

Housefulloflove posted 7/6/2013 01:35 AM

Absolutely! If I knew then what I know I would have ended it the minute I asked who was this person he was calling day and night (after seeing our phone bill) and his answer was "I don't know who that is!"

I would silently let him continue to get himself together for work, pack ALL his shit and let it greet him in the driveway and lawn when he got home in the morning.

Instead I put up with that dumbass and all of his lies for 2 more months before DDay#2 when he admitted the "friendship" turned into an affair. Then came the worst week of my life (which I refer to as Hell-week) where he turned my life upside down and pretended like *I* was losing my mind for being upset about him cheating (practically in my face!) and what he was doing was actually A-OK!

OMG..There would be a heck of a lot less scars to heal if I had left immediately after he first lied to my face about "just a friend".

*But*... if I had, I would likely have had many doubts about ending a 10 year marriage so abruptly. Especially without the experiences and knowledge I've gained since DDay. We might have had a false R which could have led to way more than 2 more months of wasted time with a man who isn't capable of true remorse, love or reconciliation.

Vulcanized posted 7/6/2013 03:56 AM

Nope, you're doing he right thing. It's now up to him to start doing everything on his power to make you want to R.

You can file now, and call off the D should you decide to R.

SBB posted 7/6/2013 07:20 AM

I wish I had left when the shit hit the fan when my eldest was a year old (so 3 years prior to DD).

He had all but disappeared during her entire first year. He was so absent that his presence became painful. I felt abandoned and humiliated. He begged, cajoled and pleaded with me to have children yet he didn't spend any time with his first born child until she was almost 8m old and we went to a wedding in Italy.

He was going to NZ for a week for work - I told him to have a good, hard think about what kind of life, family and marriage he wanted - because I knew this wasn't the life, family nor marriage I wanted.

He came back and was the man I married again for just under a year. I fell pregnant with DD2 whilst diligently on the pill.

She is the only good thing to come out of that extra time. Plus as sad as it is to say I am glad my girls have each other - they are the only constants in each others lives. They are the only people they each see every single day.

TBH I should have cancelled the wedding. I told my sister on the night before my wedding that I didn't want to go through with it. That I didn't think he was the one. I loved him but did not trust that he could ride the storm with me. I KNEW he was not man enough when real life hit.

She urged me to walk that night - told me she would walk with me and support me.

I stayed because I was a coward and didn't want to let everyone down. I did love him intensely and immensely - I felt safe "in good times" but very very uneasy about the "and in bad".

travels posted 7/6/2013 07:21 AM

I so wish I had left sooner.
My complete lack of self esteem kept me hanging on through five OW and doing the exact opposite of the 180.

My life is so much better now.

tryingagain74 posted 7/6/2013 07:33 AM

I was with XWH for 17 years, M for 13. After DDay #1, I thought that we had a chance to make it. He seemed remorseful, willing to try MC, and what he had told me about the A made it seem like something we could overcome.

He was also continuing to lie to me at that point. Five days later, he told me a whole bunch more, and his demeanor also began to change. Suddenly, he "wasn't sure" how he felt about the OW or what he wanted to do about us. And when I learned that it was a full-blown PA, that was it for me.

So, I called it quits after almost two decades and three children together after only five days or so. Best decision I ever made. I was finally able to step back and see him for who he really was and acknowledge the fact that I turned a blind eye to his bad qualities. I wish that I had dumped him like I almost did many years ago when we were engaged. We had another issue in our M that just wasn't going away, and I should have faced that and accepted it. Instead, I believed him when he said that he'd try to get over the issue, and I clung to my romantic view of him and of our relationship.

Although I am glad that I have my kids, I would have been better off if my 22-year-old self had walked out the door that day after giving him back the engagement ring. I'd like to think that I could have had my three children with someone else, so yes, I wish I had left him when we had only been together for about three years and could have cut ties very easily! I envy those who don't have kids with their cheaters-- I would have loved a clean break and to be able to never have to see him again.

SBB posted 7/6/2013 07:55 AM

I'd like to think that I could have had my three children with someone else

^^THIS. I honestly do wish I left him when he cheated on me 6 weeks into our relationship. I thought it was too early in the relationship to call it cheating. What I now know is its never too early to believe someone when they show you who they are.

I don't subscribe to the notion that "at least I got my kids out of it". It feels so inherently.... selfish? I don't mean that as harsh as it sounds - I just can't think of another word that fits. *My* life is better for having them in it - is their life better for having parents that couldn't make it work and made them collateral damage when they were just 4 and 18m old?

I wish none of this had happened in their lives either.

I never had that compulsion to have kids. I wasn't anti-kids nor did I feel strongly enough about it to get my tubes tied or anything. I just didn't ever have the urge. I NEVER got clucky or broody. Never. I did NOT think my life would be incomplete if I did not have children. In fact I saw remaining childless as the only way to avoid the greatest fear of my life - being a single mum.

That doesn't mean I regret them - I don't, not for a nanosecond. I do regret who I had them with.

I feel I robbed myself of the chance to have these beautiful little girls with someone who deserves them.

I struggle with articulating this and I often feel misunderstood - I've sometimes felt like I should perhaps keep it to myself. Its too ugly a truth for lots of people to understand or accept.

If I could press a button and turn back time + erase my memory would I do it? Hell.No.

But if I had never experienced motherhood I never would have known what I was missing.

I feel clucky about the children I do have - not future/potential children.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 7:56 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

newnormal posted 7/6/2013 09:09 AM

Xh: yes, I wish I had left as soon as my youngest was born. I held out another 2 years.

Stbx: yes, I wish I had left the day ow called me. I wouldn't have spent the next 6 years being mentally abused to the point I couldn't recover from the A. Wasted time.

I look at it the same way I evaluate my daughters boyfriend choices: if it isnt smoochypie good, then throw him back. Relationships are too hard unless both are pulling in the same direction

[This message edited by newnormal at 9:10 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/6/2013 09:21 AM

Wow! This is really helpful!

Funny, I had the same "something isn't right about this" feeling before the wedding. My best friend didn't push me either way, but was so glad when we finally broke up not only because of the A, but because he thought it was a bad match to begin with. Wish someone had shook me out of it much sooner when my gut was telling me no and before the A.

Of course the breakup has been so hard, I don't know if I would have ever left if he hadn't made it impossible to stay.

And I also never wanted to have his children. I never knew why, just a feeling. Thankfully we held off for financial reasons and then were apart for a couple of months this year for work (this is when he started the A). Otherwise, who knows.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:21 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 7/6/2013 09:24 AM

I wish I had thrown him out before D-Day #1. He was that big of an asshole-he was cheating, I just didn't know it yet.

solus sto posted 7/6/2013 09:30 AM

Yes. I wish I did what you did. I wish I'd left at the first hint of infidelity. My WH could then have shown me who he really is; either he would have stepped up to the plate, or continued down the path he was on.

You did not leave too soon. If your WS is determined to become the partner you want and nred, separation willnot stop him.

OTOH, if he is not intent on growing and changing, you will be spared the pain of years-long efforts to reconcile with someone who is not in it.

Your decision is not irrevocable. If he earns another chance, you can offer him one.

But more realistically, you paid attention when he showed you who he is.

Many of us bitterly regret not doing the same. It cost me almost 20 years. There's no getting that back.

Amazonia posted 7/6/2013 09:31 AM

I did leave immediately (or rather, I kicked him out immediately).

However, I think that it's important to give yourself grace. It takes time to get where you need to be emotionally.

The only reason I was able to leave, I think, so easily, is that I have been through this before, been cheated on and did the whole back and forth with another guy.... This time I knew I had no tolerance for it.

solus sto posted 7/6/2013 09:44 AM

I don't like, "At least I got my kids..." either. First, they've been profoundly damaged by having a personality-disordered AND physically ill father. They're the ones whose opportunities have been most stunted, and whose souls have been most damaged. If I'd known what I now know, I would NOT have had children with a man who was going to harm them.

Also, I know their souls would have been with me, whether I had children with someone else, or even not at all. Somehow, they would have been with me.

I am sad they were born to such an uncaring father. I am sadder still that I did not see this sooner. I can't undo the hurt mykids experience.

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