SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

ohyeshedid posted 7/6/2013 08:27 AM

My idiot H tells me last night....I was "TRAPPED" he said if he stopped talking to her that she would have gotten suspicious and then investigated and possibly blew the whistle on him?! I Mean REALLY?! Are You Fucking Kidding Me?! What an absolute ASSHOLE! Now what am I suppose to do with that?! Feel sorry he couldn't end his 6 mos A?! Or is this another HUGE character flaw that I should run away, far away from?!! I'm sooo confused! I told him he wanted his pie and eat it too! (He hates cake) according to phone records text message records he NEVER Pumped The Brakes!
I told him last night I feel numb and don't feel anything while we are intimate....he says why do it then?! Then I said YES why did you keep having sex with OW?! He claims Sex with me was wayyy better?! He said he didn't know...."Male Pride" cuz he had a hard time keeping it up!!!
I said then why do it at all?! He said "I don't know?!".....I'm so tired of "I don't Know" answers!
Very Annoyed.....Don't Know Where to Go from HERE! Just Tired of Feeling Numb!

DDay- 4/14/13 (worst day of my life)
3 amazing kick ass kids!
In R but feeling Hopeless....both of us MC and IC but still confused.....
Just want this PAIN to go Away....

Knowing posted 7/6/2013 08:39 AM

Being completely selfish and self-centered is a huge part of what makes an A possible. is he still an A-hole now?

The details of the A are a lot to process, especially when, from our point of view, it should never have happened.

If it makes you sad, then be sad. If it makes you furious, then be furious.

From what my fWH has said, beyond the first rush of knowing somebody wanted him, it was all regret, shame, feeling trapped by the A once he'd crossed that line, feeling trapped by the promises (implied and overt) and feeling very confused...

olwen posted 7/6/2013 08:42 AM

Hi I am new here so I hope you don't mind me replying to you.

My H used the word trapped to, as well as obligated and he just did what he felt he had to.He also said he was scared if he didn't do what she wanted that she would find me on facebook and drop him in it. So he claims he did what he did to 'keep her quiet'.

I can't really offer any advice I just related to what you said and how hard it is to swallow.

I am sorry you're going through this stuff as well

x

confused615 posted 7/6/2013 11:07 AM

It's an excuse.

He is lying.

He did it because he wanted to. Period.

Male pride??

TattoodChinaDoll posted 7/6/2013 11:28 AM

What confused said. My STBX used the same excuse. He was worried that she would tell on him and he would be fired. He claimed to have known it was wrong and wanted to stop (also claimed that he didn't think about how bad it was so he didn't know he should stop). I told him there was no indication of slowing down, only escalating. If you knew it was wrong and wanted to stop you would have started stepping away.

Don't believe that crap. Again, like confused said, he did it because he wanted to. His whys might have led him to it but no one was forcing his pants down. Give yourself a timeline...and him too. What do you want answered? What will you accept? What will you do if the answer is not acceptable? Eventually you have to make the choice of what to do. You have control of you and that includes living in limbo or not.

struggling16 posted 7/6/2013 12:42 PM

Oh, please. My H said this early on after Dday. What a crock. You can punch dozens of holes in this selfish justification.

He did it because he wanted to and could get away with it.

The fact that he wouldn't take responsibility and painted himself as a helpless victim was sickening. It boiled down to the fact that he was a cowardly cake-eater and the AP was easily available. It took a few weeks for my H to see himself realistically. It wasn't pretty.

DixieD posted 7/8/2013 10:03 AM

My idiot H tells me last night....I was "TRAPPED"

ohyeshedid I don't know your story specifically and I'm going against the grain here, but I believe that can be true. That could be part of keeping it going. Not the only reason of course, but one of them.

If someone helps me bury a body or drive the getaway car, I'd want to keep the OP quiet/happy. I pretty much f'ed myself with the crime itself but even more so by having an accomplice/witness to that crime. There comes a time when a WS realizes if they weren't screwed before they definitely are now. Some feel this before dday and some don't.

Or is this another HUGE character flaw

Conflict avoidance is common for WS. I'd say almost a prerequisite. Someone who is able to face conflict head on is not as likely to find themselves in an affair in the first place. This character flaw can get them into an affair, because Instead of being mature and talking to their spouse about conflicts and relationship issues (which every relationship has), eventually they feel trapped in their marriage, life, whatever, and feel a need for an easy escape. It's of their own making, but they can't see that. Most definitely CA can keep them in an affair long after the thoughts of getting out cross their mind. That character flaw is going to follow them wherever they go.

Does your husband saying that mean he's snowing you? IDK. Does that mean you should feel sorry for him? HELL NO. But if he is a conflict avoider, and stays that way, he will continue to be an escape artist and act like a victim -- not a healthy ideal relationship partner.

Long before he felt trapped by his AP he made the decision to cheat was an acceptable option. Asking why he kept it going is not the same as how he got to that starting point in the first place. You are going to hear a lot of stuff you don't want to hear. Frustrating and hurtful stuff.

When your husband digs into why and finds things like conflict avoidance, ideally he will recognize it was a problem and do something to correct that moving forward. If you want to R, you want him to figure this stuff out and change it and if he doesn't, you decide from there.

Good luck.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/8/2013 12:09 PM

I agree with everything Dixie posted. Sometimes a WS can't see a way out of the spider web they willingly got themselves trapped in. FWH is a major conflict avoider.

Yeah, FWH said he had to basically "wean" OW off of him. He had to wean OW from his wiener! Because it is so magnificent, dontcha ya know.

He felt trapped by the subtle blackmail that OW was holding over his head. OW was going to tell me if he didn't continue. OW didn't use those words, it was way more subtle and manipulative.

I do believe your H could feel that way. Doesn't excuse his behaviour, but he could have felt trapped.