DDay- 4/14/13 (worst day of my life) 3 amazing kick ass kids! In R but feeling Hopeless....both of us MC and IC but still confused..... Just want this PAIN to go Away....
The details of the A are a lot to process, especially when, from our point of view, it should never have happened.
If it makes you sad, then be sad. If it makes you furious, then be furious.
From what my fWH has said, beyond the first rush of knowing somebody wanted him, it was all regret, shame, feeling trapped by the A once he'd crossed that line, feeling trapped by the promises (implied and overt) and feeling very confused...
We are in R.
My H used the word trapped to, as well as obligated and he just did what he felt he had to.He also said he was scared if he didn't do what she wanted that she would find me on facebook and drop him in it. So he claims he did what he did to 'keep her quiet'.
I can't really offer any advice I just related to what you said and how hard it is to swallow.
I am sorry you're going through this stuff as well
x
He is lying.
He did it because he wanted to. Period.
Male pride??
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Don't believe that crap. Again, like confused said, he did it because he wanted to. His whys might have led him to it but no one was forcing his pants down. Give yourself a timeline...and him too. What do you want answered? What will you accept? What will you do if the answer is not acceptable? Eventually you have to make the choice of what to do. You have control of you and that includes living in limbo or not.
D-Day: 12/21/2011 Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
He did it because he wanted to and could get away with it.
The fact that he wouldn't take responsibility and painted himself as a helpless victim was sickening. It boiled down to the fact that he was a cowardly cake-eater and the AP was easily available. It took a few weeks for my H to see himself realistically. It wasn't pretty.
My idiot H tells me last night....I was "TRAPPED"
ohyeshedid I don't know your story specifically and I'm going against the grain here, but I believe that can be true. That could be part of keeping it going. Not the only reason of course, but one of them.
If someone helps me bury a body or drive the getaway car, I'd want to keep the OP quiet/happy. I pretty much f'ed myself with the crime itself but even more so by having an accomplice/witness to that crime. There comes a time when a WS realizes if they weren't screwed before they definitely are now. Some feel this before dday and some don't.
Or is this another HUGE character flaw
Conflict avoidance is common for WS. I'd say almost a prerequisite. Someone who is able to face conflict head on is not as likely to find themselves in an affair in the first place. This character flaw can get them into an affair, because Instead of being mature and talking to their spouse about conflicts and relationship issues (which every relationship has), eventually they feel trapped in their marriage, life, whatever, and feel a need for an easy escape. It's of their own making, but they can't see that. Most definitely CA can keep them in an affair long after the thoughts of getting out cross their mind. That character flaw is going to follow them wherever they go.
Does your husband saying that mean he's snowing you? IDK. Does that mean you should feel sorry for him? HELL NO. But if he is a conflict avoider, and stays that way, he will continue to be an escape artist and act like a victim -- not a healthy ideal relationship partner.
Long before he felt trapped by his AP he made the decision to cheat was an acceptable option. Asking why he kept it going is not the same as how he got to that starting point in the first place. You are going to hear a lot of stuff you don't want to hear. Frustrating and hurtful stuff.
When your husband digs into why and finds things like conflict avoidance, ideally he will recognize it was a problem and do something to correct that moving forward. If you want to R, you want him to figure this stuff out and change it and if he doesn't, you decide from there.
Good luck.
Yeah, FWH said he had to basically "wean" OW off of him. He had to wean OW from his wiener! Because it is so magnificent, dontcha ya know.
He felt trapped by the subtle blackmail that OW was holding over his head. OW was going to tell me if he didn't continue. OW didn't use those words, it was way more subtle and manipulative.
I do believe your H could feel that way. Doesn't excuse his behaviour, but he could have felt trapped.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson "She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
