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i feel crushed and destroyed

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lilyflower08 posted 7/6/2013 09:19 AM

I dont know what to do i recently found out my boyfriend of 5 years has cheated on me and i dont know what to do. We have been living together for 4 years n i always believed we are each others half but Over the past year i felt a suspicion of Infidelity but never could prove it, until now. A friend told me she saw him with another woman at the movie theather. Im Completely crushed emotionally he denies any woman but has agreed to fix our Relationship. He has been trying to make it up so many things that have been going wrong with us. But it doesnt change how i feel as if everything is a lie he proposed to me but i dont feel its real love.but more like guilt. I have been trying to work our problems but its a emotional rollarcoaster crying all the time. hes giving his all but for how long i keep asking myself? Please i need inspiring words to help me get thur this pain

Josephine01 posted 7/6/2013 09:26 AM

Hey Lilly,

I am not the most inspiring person, but I hear you and feel your pain.

The last thing in the world you want to do now is marry a man you think is cheating. He is still lying to you. You should move out or throw his ass out. Until he can be truthful with you, and establish a NC with her.

Keep posting. . . there are many caring people on this site who can help you.

Skan posted 7/6/2013 09:42 AM

Lilyflower08, welcome. I know that this is a site that you never wanted to have a reason to find, but I'm glad that you DID find us, for support. Listen, it's a weekend and there aren't a lot of people here on weekends, so please, don't feel like you're being ignored. People do check in frequently and more people will definitely be here on Monday.

In the meantime, please take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Read any post in this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it. There is some great information there for you, written by people who have been there and gone through hell. Information about what you can expect, what you should demand, and common pitfalls that the B (betrayed) person falls into.

Also, take care of yourself. You need to force yourself to eat whenever and whatever you can, stay hydrated (no booze), and try to get some exercise. If you feel like you're going crazy, your emotions are all over the place, you hate him and love him and hate him, and you are too stunned to make any decisions, understand that this is NORMAL behavior. We call it the rollercoaster. Expect to cycle through a great deal of emotions in a very short amount of time regularly.

Last, I hate to tell you this, but you're going to need to call your doctor on Monday (or any other doctor) and ask for a full STD/HIV test. He's going to have to do the same, and he needs to show you the printed results. You cannot take his word that he has done this and all is OK because, well, he's a liar. And liars lie. And even if he swears on the head of the most beloved person known to him that he used protection each and every time, he still needs to take the test. Because liars lie and, even if he used a condom, there are other ways to transmit disease. I am so very, very sorry to have to type this last paragraph to you.

Please do come back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

OptimisticWife posted 7/6/2013 11:03 AM

(((lilyflower08))) I'm sorry to read about your situation.
As much as I'd love to tell you everything will work out fine, I just can't. The main reason being that your bf hasn't owned his behavior.
If I've learnt anything from my own situation it has been that I had to be willing to lose what I had in order to keep it. If your bf has what it takes to fix this, he has to believe that he only has two options. One, come clean and work his butt off to fix himself and heal the relationship. Or two, he can choose to keep lying and lose you. You can not allow him to keep lying and then also keep you. Don't sit around hoping that one day, if you're good enough to him that he will change and come clean.
He won't if he's not forced to. Put yourself first and don't stand for the treatment he is dishing out. See if he's man enough to finally start making the right choices. If he's not, then you need to move on because you deserve better. Make yourself your number one priority. Look after yourself with as much love, care and passion as you would care for a loved one.
All the best to you. Wishing you lots of strength and happiness.

burnt_toast posted 7/6/2013 12:53 PM


All I can promise is that it gets better, honey.

Read about the 180 in the Healing library. I believe it could be a great starting point.

lilyflower08 posted 7/6/2013 13:13 PM

Thabk you josefine but its easier said than done i could easily move in but its soo hard to just ignore

Josephine01 posted 7/7/2013 20:17 PM

I know Lilly, I really do understand and emphasize. I know it's hard. (((Lilly))) I didn't try to make it seem easy, but I realize now after 23 years of marriage had I address the big problems then. . . especially the lies. I may not have been slapped in the face with an A and a remorseful husband.

I now have a mortgage, kids and compounded problems. I am not saying anything has to be permanent, simply let him know that you are important too. Your feelings count and don't marry him if you still have that sinking sick feeling in your stomach about him seeing another person.

I did not mean to come off as rude or a know it all. I am sorry if you felt that way. Just worried about you


Take2 posted 7/7/2013 20:28 PM

A friend told me she saw him with another woman at the movie theather. Im Completely crushed emotionally he denies any woman

hes giving his all ...

Before he can give you anything of value... he needs to give you the truth. Plain and simple.

The others have given you good advice lily. Read, and read some more! Try to eat something, andthing, milkshakes if nothing else - stay hydrated! Rest whenever you can.


Dare2Trust posted 7/8/2013 18:27 PM


I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

BUT - this relationship cannot be fixed, as long as he continues to LIE to you.

Im Completely crushed emotionally he denies any woman but has agreed to fix our Relationship.

What do you plan to do - since he won't even be honest about his affair with with Other Woman?

silentlyscreamin posted 7/12/2013 19:17 PM

Hi. i am so sorry you are going through this. I would find yourself an individual counselor right away, before you even have time to make up excuses why you shouldn't because that is what I did. I didn't go see one when the emotions were so raw and i was charged up and now I am in a point of depression and indifference where I dont have the effort to do it. I don't want to be negative but being that you are not married, I would talk to a counselor yourself and strongly consider leaving. The doubt you feel will take a long time to heal and frankly i think life is too short to live like that. I wish I could take my own advice. Believe me, if I wasn't legally married I probably would have left already. Just do me a favor and put yourself first. Don't let him talk you into that this is somehow your fault, etc. etc. Having to 2nd guess everything someone tells you is very draining and depressing and he doesnt appear remorseful. If you go to you can read counselor profiles to choose someone who fits your needs.I strongly suggest it now before you have time to make excuse. Please learn from my mistake. Good luck and put yourself first!!!

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