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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: Moving forward after more TT
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D day was late April, and for unrelated reasons I let mr triple stay in the house but on another floor while another situation played out. Once we had some resolution on that crisis, I had intended 100% to kick him out. In that time he convinced me to go to MC and at least see what if anything could be saved. We began MC and both started IC, and I began to see a glimmer. No surprise, but significant TT has occurred but only with me having hard facts in hand and pushing pushing pushing for truth. I feel like he used my good faith to just perpetuate the lying. I want to separate while I screw my head on straight. Is it possible to continue to work towards R while S? I still think I may be able to work through the cheating, but not so much the lying that followed. How does R work if you don't live together? He thinks it's a death knell to separate, but I disagree.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 19717
Member # 19717
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kicked my husband's ass out. He got an apartment and I made it very clear that it was up to him to win me over. He failed the marriage, not me and my survival required me to be in control of my own future.

So my husband did. He lived in an apartment, helped with my bills and paid for his own and worked to earn my respect back.

We are reconciled now for...shit..let me add it up...

7 yrs. During the time he lived alone, he learned how to face himself in the mirror. I did not make it easy for him to reconcile. I demanded a lot, I got it all.

We are set to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary this year. Infidenlity and all. I fought for myself and it was the best thing I ever did for me, but more, it made him be the best of himself.

Pieces fall along the way and my husband lied to save his ass too. I called him on He needs to be the best of him, not the worst. Or let him go.

Innocent people generally want to get to the bottom of things. Guilty people usually want the discussion to be over as soon as possible.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Oregon
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have a question for you.

Has your H ever read "Josephs Letter"?

It's in the Healing Library under the articles.

If not, please print it out for him to read....

IMVHO, Separation is a gamble.
BUT, it may be what you need for your own mental health.

WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I did have him read Joseph's letter but it apparently had no impact as the lies piled up for more than a month longer. He lied in MC. He lied while swearing on a Bible (and he has been a lifelong Christian). He is still lying I'm sure. Tryingtwo- that is what I am trying to get to - a position of strength. Thanks for the visual of a tough stance.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 6th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can take a tough stance without S.

At the same time, I don't think S is a death knell. Why does he think this? Is he scared you'll grow away from him? Are you willing to grow away from him? In my opinion, S is a great way to put all the options on the table - but ALL the options can also be scary. You could realize you don't want him. He could take up cheating again far more easily. Those are options in S just as much as R is an option in S. Do you want to S so you can consider all your options? Or do you want S just to get more alone time and space? If the latter is the case, then I think you can do that without living separately.

When I had D-day 2 (major TT), I didn't know if I wanted to R or D. I was actually leaning towards D. But I wanted a few months before I pulled that trigger because I wasn't going to jerk my kids around and change my mind. So, in that month, we developed a pretty clear plan whereby I would get a lot of alone time to clear my head and take the focus off the M and put it on me. I didn't engage with him. We didn't talk about the As that much. I did a lot of yoga, socialized more, saw my IC and hung out alone in the house. We even worked out a schedule for the kids where we traded off and limited time together for awhile. He slept in another room. I guess you would call it in-house separation. Have you considered that?

Have you considered backing off MC? 7 months after D-Day 2 and I'm just starting to consider MC. I really believe that one of the "tough stance" things to do is to tell WS to get their shit together (at least a baseline level of shit together) and don't entertain working on the M until you see some progress. Jumping into MC seems to be greenlighting R. If you're not ready to do that, then why MC? Someone who TTs needs serious help before joint work on R can happen. If you need to S to get your head screwed on straight...then I would also argue that you should probably focus on your own IC. MC just seems futile when both people are scrambling, as it sounds you are, and as I was for a few months after D-Day 2.

These are just some things you could consider to be "tough" and get space rather than S.

[This message edited by RockyMtn at 9:12 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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