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ghostbh posted 7/6/2013 11:40 AM

I can't sleep at night. I've gotten an average of 2 hours of sleep per night since I found out. My appetite is gone. I've lost 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I obsess about what she's doing now with the other man while I am lying in our big bed alone. It's torture.

We have 5 beautiful kids ranging in age from 21 years old to 9 years old. My wife and I have had a fairy tale life for 26 years together (23 years married) - until this nightmare of a year. The kids are all older now and are busy with their own lives. My wife doesn't work and stays home. My wife is originally from NJ and I am from NH. We've lived in NH now for 23 years. Last year my wife began speaking more and more with her close girl friends from NJ and in September 2012 one of her good friends tried to commit suicide, so my wife went to NJ for the weekend to see her. A few weeks later my wife said "I have to go to NJ again because one of my friends parents had passed away and I need to go to the wake". A few weeks after that she had to go to NJ again. She had never gone to visit her friends in NJ alone during our entire marriage but now she has gone 3 weekends in the last 3 months. I confronted her about this and she got very angry with me for accusing her and she recited all of the legitimate reasons she had to go to NJ. It was during this time my wife began being very cold to me and starting doing things without consulting me. She got her own credit cards in her name and got a new cell phone that was not on our family plan. When I asked her about it she said I don't have any credit in my own name and I want to build credit for myself. Her explanation for the new phone was that she hated the ones we all had in our family plan and wanted to try another type of phone (one that she heard was much better than the one we all have). I sensed something was going on but couldn't prove anything.

I don't really like New Year's parties so we had no plans for New Years 2013. My wife said "since we are not doing anything is it ok if I spend New Years in NJ with my girl friends?" Now alarm bells should have been blaring in my head but I thought why should I force her to stay at home on New Years when she wants to be with her friends. Next was a trip to FLA in February with our youngest daughter and her female friend's family. I was not suspicious of this since she had our daughter with her and she had her female friends two children with them. Then in April another trip to FLA. This time she took our son and his girlfreind with her to FLA. Again, I thought nothing wrong with this because she was with our children.

When she was home she was emotionally gone. I would wake up at 3am to find her on her cell phone texting with her back to me. I would ask her what she's doing and she would say I'm researching my family tree (she's adopted and had been searching for her birth mom). Normal conversations began to easily turn into arguments. I would text her "What are you doing?" and she would reply "What do you care". Our relationship had gotten very cold and I sensed this change in her over the past several months. In February, my wife got some good news about her biological Mother. She found her biological Mom and made plans to go and see her in CT. Now CT is only 2 hours from us but my wife insisted on staying the weekend in CT. When I questioned this she said "how dare you keep me from seeing my biological Mom". I acquiesced.

In June, my wife said she needed to go to her friends house in NJ for her daughters graduation. She would take our youngest daughter with her to NJ. The graduation party was on father's day weekend. She assured me that she would be back on father's day. I was surprised to see her and my daughter packing the week before Father's day. I said what are you doing? She said we're going to NJ for the week. A whole week for a graduation party?

We have a safe in our attic that contains a significant amount of money in it. I do all the financial stuff and kept the safe keys in my office desk. A day before leaving for NJ she asked me for key to the safe. I said I'll open it for you. She said, no, I want my own key. I have two safe keys in my desk so I gave her one. During our entire marriage our financial assets were always "ours" now she was beginning to say things like "that's my account not yours". She left for NJ the next day with our daughter. A day later a thought came to me - she knows where my safe keys is. I went to my desk and opened the draw and noticed that my safe key was gone. I froze in panic. What is she up to? I called her screaming at her that she had stolen my key. I hung up the phone and did not talk to her for the entire week. When she came home from NJ she informed me that she had seen a divorce lawyer in NJ. I was floored. How could she want a divorce after 26 years and 5 kids together? I begged her not to do that to our family and asked her to go to marriage counseling. I doted on her the next few days trying to rekindle what we once had. We had sex on the third day home and I felt maybe I was getting through to her. She said "you're going to be mad at me but I need to go to NJ again next week for the week". I did not want to ruin the progress we had made over the last few days so I said ok.

I know something is going on. I just can't prove it. I texted her in NJ and told her how much I missed her and she responded NOT with "I miss you too" but with some news about her biological mom. I texted "Have I lost you?" and she replied "I don't know. Do we have to talk about that now?". Finally, I called a friend from NJ. I had been reluctant to call him because I knew he might confirm what I didn't want to know. After much coaxing he told me that my wife had been having an affair with my wife's friend's old boyfriend since last September. I felt like someone just hit me in the gut with a sledge hammer. I was shaking. I called my brother who had recently gone through a divorce and told him what I had found out. He listened to me for 3 hours and comforted me. He said "you are a good husband and a great Dad and this is not your fault". That helped me make it through that first night.

As I laid awake in bed that night I recounted all the weekends and weeks she had gone away and all the signs that were there. How could I have been so stupid? It was right under my nose but I refused to notice. Now I knew and it hurt bad. I know why they call it a broken heart - I actually felt pain emanating from my heart. My wife came home from NJ the day before our 23rd Anniversary. I confronted her and let her know that I knew she was with John. At first she denied it but after a minute she knew that I knew too much. She admitted to the affair. "How could you do this to our family?", I asked but she was cold and didn't say much. I knew John. I had met him when he was going out with my wife's friend a few years or so ago.

Later that night, I thought can I forgive this betrayal or does this mean automatic divorce and destruction of our perfect family? I wondered why she wasn't begging me for forgiveness. The next morning, after wrestling with these thoughts all night, I told her I would forgive her as long as she ended the affair, apologized and recommitted to me and our family. She didn't respond. How could she not respond? It didn't even occur to me that she was not sorry and may not want to reconcile. I asked her "you've been seeing this person for a year, are you in love with him?" She cried and said "yes". I was floored again. My head was spinning.

A couple days had passed and I said once again, "I can forgive you and we can work things out, are you willing to go to marriage counseling?". She said I'll make my decision when I come back from NJ. I said "if you go to NJ again I will consider that your decision". With that she packed up and left for NJ for yet another week.

I called my friend in NJ and he said that my beautiful 46 year old wife was like a sixteen year old girl around John. Putting her arms around John and showing public affection to him that I had not experienced since we were in college. She is in a state of euphoria and thinks she has found her soul mate. Meanwhile, I know this guy has slept with just about every one of my wife's friends. He's a player and he's always talking about get rich quick schemes. I can think of 3 schemes of his that my wife had mentioned to me off the top of my head. I think once the euphoria of the exciting new relationship wears off he's going to take her for everything she has and dump her. She is blind with love right now and can't see it. I can't believe how incredibly selfish she is being.

Me, I feel like a discarded piece of trash. It's amazing how lonely I feel. I used to enjoy when the house was quiet and no one was home - now I can't stand it. I walk through our beautiful home like a ghost and I lie in bed thinking about her with him. It's just too painful. I feel like my best friend is gone and I'm painfully aware that I was rejected in favor of someone else. I go over and over our text conversations and its perfectly clear to me that she was trying to make me miserable so that I would make the first move - but that would never have happened. I would never give up on my family.

My kids can see how devastated I am. I told the older kids what had happened and they are crushed as well. They feel sorry for me. They have tried to comfort me. My oldest son's girlfriend had cheated on him in high school so he said "I know what you are going through Dad". I didn't have the heart to tell him that losing your spouse after 27 years is a little different than a 3 month high school relationship. My other son will not talk to my wife anymore. The other two teenagers are concerned but seem fine. The child I am most concerned about is my 9 year old daughter. I found out that she has been exposed to this adulterous affair in FLA and in NJ. My wife told her never to say anything to me because I would get mad. How could she be so reckless?

Part of me understands, our kids are growing up and she's home alone. I'm busy with work and she's bored at home. She desires excitement in her life. She's always been the impulsive type - hence the five kids. I'm very practical and never wanted to have five kids but she pushed for it and I'm glad she did. I love my kids and we have a great family or should I say had a great family. She has given me everything I've ever wanted in life and now she'll be spending her life with someone else.

I could go on but I just noticed that I have typed about 10 pages in 30 minutes. What are my next steps? Reconciliation doesn't seem like an option. I spoke to a divorce lawyer. He said the courts don't care who cheated on who, they are only concerned with equitable distribution of assets and custodial logistics. While I make a good living, we are dependent on my wife's inheritance for our kids college tuition's and any other expenses we incur that are above and beyond my income. The past few years things have been tight financially and we've been tapping the inheritance funds heavily. I'm concerned that a contentious divorce will ruin us financially as well.


[This message edited by ghostbh at 8:34 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

PhantomLimb posted 7/6/2013 12:38 PM

My heart goes out to you! I'm going through something very similar-- only 10+ years together-- but the same sudden revelation, destroyed family, out of nowhere heartbreak. I've been living it for I think 10 weeks now, but it has only gotten a little bit easier... Not much. Still crying, not sleeping, etc.

I got into IC right away. It's helped tremendously, so please look into it if you can.

My only other advice is when you need to cry, do it. You will feel better if you let those emotions out... it's a physiological thing: the tears contain chemicals that are related to grief in your body and you are freeing them. Reach out to friends and family when you need to. And read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. It sounds like you have naturally taken a step back and that is a good instinct. It says to me that you are self-possessed and strong. Cultivate that in yourself. You're going to need it!

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:38 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Josephine01 posted 7/6/2013 12:55 PM

The only advice I can give is to implement the 180 asap. Change the locks on the safe if you can. Go ahead and file for divorce. This may wake her up. If this OM is known for taking people for money, you could still be in some financial devastation even if you don't file. At least 50 percent of your assets will be protected.

I am so so so sorry this is happening to you. After 23 years of marriage my husband did a similar thing to me, but his OW was already rich and wasn't worried about the little bit of money we had. But, I do think that they concocted a scheme to sell our house so he could have some money and still be with her.

Hang in there my friend, I know you hurt but know there are people here who care about you.

Happydays posted 7/6/2013 13:13 PM

@ghostbh, though it doesn't matter now, but, very well written.
I'm sorry you are here.
None of this your fault.
Your WW owns the mess she has created. She is well and truly deep in fantasy land aka the fog.
OM is clearly taking her for a ride, from what you typed about him.

Your primary focus is your health, kids, finances. Even though I strongly feel she will come back to you and family, the question is when?
Nothing you say or do will help snap her out of the fog she is in.
She either has to let her fantasy run it's course or see the harsh reality created by you. The 180 helps a lot to heal yourself. Read about it in the healing library in the little yellow box in the top left hand corner of the page.
Keep yourself hydrated and don't take decisions in a hurry.
If OM has a wife or SO, let her know. Two set of eyes always help.

Look for where she wants to go with all this and then plan your strategy.

Needless to say, if OM is a player, then her Relationship with OM will not go too far. If he is looking for money from your wife then you need to stop the sources, since she is not working. Who pays for those trips to NJ etc.?
Thankfully you have kids who support you. You need to take special care of the 9 year old DD.
You think you posted 10 pages, well post 20 more, we are all here to help.
Brace yourself for a rough ride and trust me you will make it through.

keptmyword posted 7/6/2013 13:29 PM


I could have written your post. Wow, the similarities are stunning. From the secret credit cards, the separate cell phone, the contempt, the excuses, the opportunist shitbag affair guy, and her pathetic delusions of "love".

Listen, right off the bat, get the following seared into your heart, mind, and soul for it is the truth:

Your wife's decision to have this self-degrading affair has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Adultery/infidelity is a PERSONAL problem. It is NOT a marital problem. Although, the result of adultery does adversely AFFECT a marriage. Obviously.

Another thing I can assure you of:

Your wife is NOT in love with this piece of shit. She is flooded with the euphoria of her responsibility-free, perpetual-honeymoon, forbidden-fruit bullshit fantasy. She is very hard at work right now trying to convince herself that this horrific mess she has created is real - she has to, otherwise that means facing the ugliness, pain, and devastation of her doing something to you and her family that she would NEVER want anyone to do to her.

Another thing, you have been demonized in her mind. She had to do that in order to justify to herself doing this. It will get worse too. Why? Because YOU have discovered and exposed her juvenile "taboo" bullshit fantasy. You are now standing in the way of that delusion. You have cracked open her fantasy bubble and she doesn't like that. Now, she has to try to convince herself harder than ever - and that means vilifying you even more.

I've been through all of it. Be prepared to discover lies like you never imagined and to be given boat-loads of bullshit. Affairs are based on lies and deception. Remember though, they are lying to and deceiving everyone else but they are mostly lying to and deceiving themselves.

You will receive lots of excellent advice here. Listen to it.

My XWW was as far gone into her bullshit fantasy love-fest as it gets. I read the love letters and the declarations of love were so over-the-top it was actually nauseating and comical at the same time. Her affair guy could walk on water.

Well, I got all the blame and all the contempt from her. I detached completely, immediately rejected any and all blame and told her to get out. We separated and she continued her shitbag affair for several months, even after I told her I was willing to attempt reconciliation if she completely and permanently cut off all contact with the affair guy. She "agreed" but just took it underground and thought I didn't know. It was when I filed for, and proceeded with divorce that she ended it and I got the tearful calls asking to reconcile - that she was willing to do anything for a second chance. I divorced her any way and she still wants to reconcile.

Sometimes, it literally takes them seeing that they have, in fact, thrown it all away. I hope it doesn't come to that with you but you must be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.

At this point I would act swiftly. I would detach from her. Get angry, but use your anger in a controlled and calculated way. Take on a strong, cold, hard and steely demeanor and resolve. File for, and PROCEED, with a petition for divorce. Have her served with the divorce petition. Remember, you can suspend or dismiss it at any time. DO NOT ACCEPT BLAME - EVER. DO NOT BEG, PLEAD, OR BARGAIN. PERIOD. They will feed off your pain.

Her seeing actual consequences for what she has done is the best way to get her back to reality and hopefully rational, and compassionate thinking.

Be strong. You will discover strengths you thought you never had because you have no other choice but to be.

Keep posting. One way or another, this shit will pass.

hatefulnow posted 7/6/2013 14:13 PM


First let me say welcome to the best club nobody wanted to join. I am so sorry for your pain. Your brother is right. This is NOT your fault. If she was having doubts or concerns she couuld have come and talked to you. I'm sure you could have worked anything out. You still can but it's going to be tougher now.

It's the holiday weekend so responses may be a little slow but they wiill come. You'll get lots of great advice from people who've been there. Seek their counsel. For now, eat what you can, drink lots of water, try to get rest and excercise. It's difficult now but these things will help. I wish I had words to ease your pain. Just know, you've been heard and support will come and you will make it

Williesmom posted 7/6/2013 14:18 PM

I. Sorry that you're here. With that said, take control of what is happening to you. Implement the 180.

I sense that you are funding all of her fun. That needs to stop.

See a lawyer. You can't beg her to come back to the marriage-she will see that as weak. The person that ou were married to is gone, replaced by someone that you don't know.

Take care of yourself and your children.

ghostbh posted 7/6/2013 14:25 PM

Hi keptmyword,
Thanks. You are so right about demonizing me. She has told her friends how awful I am. She even talked to my parents to say that she thought I was cheating on her (this was before I found out about her affair). She's doing this to rationalize her own behavior. I know that.
She has a considerable inheritance (~750K) that we tap for college tuitions for the kids, large credit card payments, etc. We'll have 3 kids in college next year (3 college tuitions = ~100K per year). So she does have her own financial resources.
I've been told that I am entitled to 50% of those assets but the lawyer told me that since they were inherited in 2008 (five years ago) I would only be entitled to approx. 5yrs/23yrs = 21%
It is possible that John, while he is a sleazebag IMO, really loves her too. He should because she is a great catch for him. He is not married and I don't think he ever was. He is 45 I think.

hatefulnow posted 7/6/2013 14:34 PM

Also, I recommend filing your petition immdiately. If this POSOM (piece-of-shit-other-man)is a con artist, he's after her oney. She can't see that now because where she is the unicorns fart rainbows. By filing you may be able to protect some if not all thee money. Ask your attorney.

Broken1Again posted 7/6/2013 15:12 PM

I think you need to 180 but not before you confront her and this John person. People might disagree with me and that's ok, but you have been basically letting her go have her affair unmarred in another state. Both him and her need to be jolted back to reality. I think you need to show up in New Jersey and put a face to the slander she's been telling everyone. So much more difficult for people to be on board with what she's doing if they meet you and see first hand who you are and how you've been manipulated.

There is no betrayed spouse on his part so you can't end their fog that way. You need to end their fog in another way. I think you've maybe been passive aggressive and now you need to be "f this" I'm fighting for my family. But having said that, you do it once and then you 180 her. I just think if you sit back and do nothing you are basically telling her it's ok. You need to make NJ a very uncomfortable place for her to go!

Also I'm concerned about the kids. Go see a lawyer, you don't have to tell her you've seen one, but you need to know what she can do with the kids. If she's stealing your key to the safety deposit box, eventually she is going to steal the younger kids away too. She isn't thinking clearly, you need to be the one thinking clearly.

I am sorry you are here and my blood is boiling thinking about how people do this sh!t!

Don't let her off the hook. Cause right now she's in NJ feeling no pain and your at home holding down the fort in misery.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/6/2013 15:20 PM

Nothing you do now (legally) is permanent, because you can change your mind if you R.

But if she never comes to her senses, everything you don't do now (legally) will be permanent...and will not be in your best interest, if your WW has anything to do with it.

Don't worry about making her mad, she is planning to dump you for her fantasy already.

It is up to you to live in the real world, and protect yourself, and the interests of your children.

Protect yourself financially. Lock down credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Take your portion of her inheritance now, if you can, so she doesn't blow it on OM and your children end up not being able to pay for college.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have family, especially your children who emotionally support you. You are not the bad guy, your WW has gone crazy.

hatefulnow posted 7/6/2013 15:25 PM

I am forced to disagree with broken. If you confront POSOM, it may come to fisticuffs. All you'd be doing is conirming what she's said. You might even wind up in legal trouble. If on the other hand you confront and remain calm OM and her bullshit friends may see you as weak and ake it as a license to do as they please.

No. 180 for sure. Move full speed ahead with the divorce if you want. I think that would be best, if only for shock value. But in a direct confrontation, you'd lose more than you'd gain.

womaninflux posted 7/6/2013 15:32 PM

I could have written much of what you wrote except that my SAWH was carrying on with someone for over 2 years before I confronted him with proof. I had been suspicious and did ask him what was going on a few times over the 2 years but he always denied it. I guess my point is you are not alone --- a lot of us were "fooled." Why? Because we trusted our spouse. Why wouldn't we? We are supposed to trust our spouse to not hurt us.

It will get matter what happens. I've been dealing with things since March 10 and if someone had said to me you will feel better about things in July, I would not have believed them. I had a dark cloud around me for a very long time. I am still upset and depressed about things but things are a lot better. I know I am going to make it through this no matter what happens in my marriage.

PS. Get an individual counselor (look on psychology today website for referrals in your area) and a marriage therapist if she is willing to go.Also, get a couple of consultations with a lawyer. Also, look into suing your wife's affair partner for alienation of affection. It may be a possibility in your state or the state in which the affair took place.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 3:34 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Ashland13 posted 7/6/2013 20:39 PM

I'm sorry, Ghostbh.

I am also up at night and have a tv or radio on constantly, as the silence is deafening.

Many of the issues you describe for yourself are happening with me right now and the loneliness is devastating.

When I feel it the worst, I come to SI or get out in my car and just drive, it doesn't matter the time.

You are not alone in your story or phase in life, though physically may be. SI has helped me understand how much of life infidelity touches and though there are many ways about it, the results seem similar...I hope that's okay to say.

I don't know if it will help any or not, but one thing I do when the grief is really bad, is appeal to my senses. My brain still goes into foggy periods of time and time stops, but if I can connect with my body through smell, heat or cold or something, it's what started pushing me through the foggy world you may be experiencing now.

The first thing I did besides that, was get myself the heck out of the bedroom we shared! and then take down every single one of STBX's pictures...his belongings came next, though I understand you are in flux of decision making.

FWIW, I hung in purgatory (a/k/a limbo, which I think is too nice a word) and what I learned about it-it was a whole entire year of my life, gone now), is that STBX did not care one whit that I was working so hard to fix the problems he made up or trying to get him to come back...he was not going to and was never going to tell me-I had to hear it from relatives.

For me this has been a process and though the third day people were yelling at me to divorce him, part of me has also died in having to do it, for I lived and breathed the married life. I live for tradition, for being with relatives and was the proverbial SAHM that he took all his life's stress out on and decided were my fault...even job loss.

I am sorry to write so long, as usual, but wanted to let you know that there are others out in the universe who know what you feel.

One thing I did when I obsesses was appeal to my senses, weather it was a hot shower with a cold drink, or using my car for my "meditation chamber", and let the pumping music fill my body with rhythm, so that my brain had nothing else to do but catch one of the instrument rifts.

keptmyword posted 7/6/2013 22:21 PM

It is possible that John, while he is a sleazebag IMO, really loves her too. He should because she is a great catch for him. He is not married and I don't think he ever was. He is 45 I think.

No. He doesn't love "her".

He loves her weakness.

Because he is weak himself.

And, because he knows an emotionally-healthy married or single woman would smell his weakness and calmly tell him to go fuck himself within a minute of meeting him.

The fact that she is willing to throw away a family for his sake is not tragic to him but rather empowering to a tiny mind like that.

She's deluding herself for the juvenile, new high-school boyfriend feeling and he is simply playing the part.

Love has nothing do with what they are doing.

They are the completed manifestation of two broken and dysfunctional people.

Actual love is not rooted in lies, deceit, and betrayal.

stronger08 posted 7/7/2013 07:16 AM

Welcome Bro. This shit sucks and there is no way around it. You MUST take a head on approach to this mess NOW. Protect yourself and your kids before this woman destroys everything YOU have worked for. First off get that money out of the safe and into a safety deposit box. Trust me if you don't your going to come home one day and she and that money will be gone. And as cash is not verifiable your going to take that hit. You must also separate all financial ties with her NOW. CC, joint accounts, 401K and any other asset must be secured ASAP. As she has already filed in NJ there is also a chance that she will take the underage children there and file for full custody. Interstate D proceedings can take a very long time and if you allow her to do this you might not get to see your children for quite a long time. It may be years before its all sorted out. As was said by the others file for D in your state and get a court order that bars her from touching assets or taking your kids away without your approval. This HAS to be done to protect you and the kids.

As it stands the both of you are getting sucked into a nightmare that has no good ending. She is being sucked into whatever plot her OM has. And you are allowing your WW to suck you into hers. Break this chain my friend or your going to regret it. Now lets get down to the facts of all this. You need to realize that the W of 26 years is gone. The woman who bore your children and made a home with you is gone. She is so far up the OM ass that its going to take a long time to get out. There is no talking sense to her. There is no being nice or attempting to pull her back into the M with any strategy that deals with emotion. The OM right now has it pretty good. He has her wrapped around his little finger. Just like he planned to do. She is going to go along with any scheme he may have. Because she is addicted to what he is portraying. He gives her attention, validates her feelings, tells her how beautiful she is etc. Every trip she makes to NJ he gets NSA sex and possibly lines up a fool to invest in his plans. The only weapon at your disposal now is REALITY. And don't think you will be able to show this reality to her verbally. She must experience it first hand and live with the consequences that goes along with it.

Your being set up for the classic fall here my man. She has already rewrote marital history to the NJ people. You are the demon and that's just that. So you NEED to combat this with the truth. Nothing kills an A like the truth and reality. So make her experience both. Let her go to OM. But don't allow joint assets to go with her. She must go to him with what she owns and nothing more. She has that 79% of her inheritance and you cant do anything about that. But whatever is joint must stay with you, including your kids until a court of law in your state decides on division. Expose to all what is going on. Make this A difficult and make her live with her choices. OM may be a scheming POS, but your not M to him. Concentrate your efforts on protecting yourself and the kids. Don't confront the asshole as your gonna lose. If you kick his ass you will be locked up. She will get more attached because the big bully from NH beat the shit out of him. Get the picture here ? Trust me friend I'm talking from personal experience here. Been there, done that. And it did not help me in any way. Do you really think OM wants the responsibility of a middle aged woman with 5 kids ? What he wants is to get laid without any hassle. What he wants to do is milk her for whatever she can give him. So let her do what she wants. Once she is available full time to him and he drains her for whatever he can take she will wake up. There is no reality based love going on here. Its all fluff and fantasy. She loves the lie he is portraying and he loves that he gets to be laid on your dime. Infidelity is war. You must attack with everything you can. File for D, kick her cheating ass out, make sure your assets are secure. These are just some consequences she must endure. She will run right to him. But do you think he wants this ? Nope he wants things just the way they are. So stop playing their game and fight the hell back. Keep posting and reading. Listen to the other members. There are great people who have walked in your shoes. Keep in mind your situation is not unique. But whatever you do its imperative to protect yourself and these kids. Otherwise the outcome, whatever it will be. Is not going to be pretty. Take action NOW. Good luck brother !!!!

painpaingoaway posted 7/7/2013 08:07 AM


I am so sorry for your pain. My heart always breaks when I read in JFO. It very hard for me to be here.

You have received some great advice thus far. Please consider every single word everyone has written.

I am very concerned that your WW will do some serious financial damage if you do not file immediately. This is not to say that you eventually have to go thru with D if things should miraculously change down the road, but you are protecting finances for now.

I have a male friend right now that I keep trying to get him to see that he is being raped financially by not protecting himself from his wife's shenanigans. She has taken their 2 teenage girls and moved to the other side of town, (under the guise of getting the girls in a different school district, and closer to where their friends live). She has rented a separate house and begun a separate life.

My friend is still living in the original home, struggling to make payments on both, struggling to fix up the original house in order to sell it, (he thinks once it sells he will move in with his family).

Meanwhile, his wife is running up horrific credit card debt, and, guess what? She decided that she would rent a house in Paris for a month this summer (because she turned 50 and had always said that if she had not spent a month in Paris by the time she turned 50, she would do it then.

I have told him over and over, GET A LAWYER GET A LAWYER GET A LAWYER GET A LAWYER GET A LAWYER and STOP this nonsense! I have told him the longer he waits the more and more financial damage she is doing THAT HE WILL SHARE RESPONSIBILITY FOR AS LONG AS THEY ARE LEGALLY TOGETHER!!!!

And guess what? He doesn't see it. It's breaking my heart for him. And you know what he says when I tell him to see a lawyer? He says, "But I don't have the money to see a lawyer"! I have offered to GIVE him the money to see a lawyer, and he won't accept it.

Sweetie, IMO, the #1 most important thing you need to do right now is to PROTECT the money. Then, work on the other stuff.

Filing for D does not mean you have to go thru with it.

Stay strong.


[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 11:01 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 7/7/2013 09:17 AM


You have been given solid advice.

In order to break their affair you have to expose it to everyone. You were wise to talk to your children.

Let your youngest know what Mommy did was wrong but you still love her and tHat you are sorry Mommy put her in a bad spot.

So your wife is nuts in love.

You are a little behind the times so you have no choice but to get tough quickly.

1. File for divorce and full custody tomorrow. Do not let your wife know this.

2. Seize or freeze whatever assets you need in order to secure any family money or property.

3. Make sure your parents Nd her parents know what she is up to. Ask for their support during this trying time in your families life.

Do not make it about you.

4. Have her served where it will embarrass her most. And after she is served I would make it known to all her "NJ" friends that no matter how much you love yOur family you will not share your wife with anyone.

I know it sucks but the only way to end this nightmare is by you ending it. Your wife is a liar and cheat.

Treat her like one.

Get tough. For yourself and your family.

Because nice guys finish last.


humbled1 posted 7/7/2013 10:10 AM

Get a good lawyer, one familiar with high asset settlements, and file for divorce in New Hampshire immediately. The laws regarding the division of inheritance and separate property are probably better in NH than in NJ. (The 21% is better than nothing, and you may be entitled to more as part of the equitable division.) Also NH is a state that still allows for the filing of divorce on grounds. It also has mandatory disclosure rules, court ordered mediation, etc.

I recently completed a high asset divorce (mediated) from a remorseless WW in NH and all property, including separate property, was considered when arriving at an equitable division.

Of course, every situation is different. But the fact that your spouse is considering a divorce in NJ leads me to believe that she feels she can obtain a better settlement in that state. She wants to walk away with her inheritance and half of everything you jointly own.

I feel your pain. Be strong, understand that the marriage you had is over, and don't let your emotions cloud your vision.

doggiediva posted 7/7/2013 11:25 AM

Grrrr..The thought of your wife breaking the vows and rules of M by having A and then getting to walk away with 1/2 everything in D makes my blood boil...

If you file for D lets hope that you file after your W has found employment..The fact that she is earning a regular income(if she is working by the time you file) and has the asset of the large inheritance on her side makes one hope that any sensible judge wouldn't award your WW 1/2 of your pension savings or any other income that is being saved for your retirement..

It is a little bit better that you live in a FAULT STATE..

No fault states SUCK..

I live in a no fault state..In my case my WH is an INTENTIONALLY unemployed POS with NO savings or pension..I am already retired, we are living off of my modest defined benefits pension income, I was a county employee..

I have a small 401 K savings( $95,000) and our paid off house is worth about 90,000..

Divorce in my case looks ugly..

It would be a contentious divorce with aggravated facts..

The only thing I have going for me in D is that my WH might not be awarded alimony due to these facts..Otherwise I am between a rock and a hard place as all of us ( on these boards) are or have been..

My unremorseful WH benefits financially in a big way in the case of D happening...Mr doggiediva has nothing to offer me in the case of D...and he would be entitled to lay claims on 1/2 of my pension, 401 K and 1/2 the value of the house..As a result of D, if a judge gave Mr doggie 40%-50% of everything I worked for and accumulated, I would be forced to go back to work full time, which I don't want to do for health reasons...

So, my advice is to go into 180 and also stealth mode..

180 for your health and sanity and to get a perspective on who your WW really is..

Stealth mode to collect hard evidence of your W's adultery with use of PI.. If you have to use any e-mail evidence, claim and prove that the internet browser was left open on her computer in a room for everyone to see..In the case of Fault D, I hope your 9 year old won't have to testify or give a deposition as a witness..

I hope and pray that your 180 behavior and or filing for D will cause your W to open her eyes and get her head out of A land..

Wishing you strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:49 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

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