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burnt_toast posted 7/6/2013 12:46 PM

I told my SO of more than 4 years last night that it couldn't work out.

We've been struggling with several issues. During the 2 last years, when my injuries would not get better, he would shut me out and I started to feel very alone. And then he started taking his anger in peskering me with details. Then there was the constant fights with the neighbors - lawyered up.

And all the huge stress that goes with that adding to the stress of dragging SO in MC and hearing everytime how MC was "creating problems", "expensive", "taking too much of our time". I feel trapped, I wanted this to work, he's a loving, charming, handsome, decent guy, we have a lovely home together, but I cannot live in the condo warzone anymore and I cannot buy antother property with so much couple issues.

I'm mentally exhausted. I started to get panick attacks in the last week and I've reached the point where all the mental and physical energy I have left cannot be used anymore in "fixing us" (or worse - "fixing him", which I apparently have a hard time mot doing). I have to redirect my energy on myself, while he has to learn to take care of himself - (my SO had a dysfuctionnal FOO and he's recreating the suffering he got there in our relationship and with others, yet he refused to get IC and argues he can fix it and I should help).

All of the options I have - face more of this or leave - are horrifing and panicking. I feel lost and terribly alone.

I'm spending the weekend at my parents, then moving temporarly in a relatives' basement.

I hurting so bad right now. I never could stomach upsetting or disappointing anyone. It was hard to choose myself and to stay strong as I watched him cry and tell me everything I wanted to hear (and had been asking for for months and always hitting a brick wall).

I never left a partner in my life. It is incredibly difficult.

Now I understand so badly why the BS has to do a 180. I need him to do just that - take his own well-being in his own hands. I cannot do it for him. I hurt too much, I'm too panicked and confused. Yet it hurts so much so see him hurting like that.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 12:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

jo2love posted 7/6/2013 13:08 PM


Jrazz posted 7/6/2013 13:22 PM

I'm so sorry, bt.

I'm am really proud of how you were able to remain true to yourself throughout all of this. Sending you hugs and strength.

OnceInALifetime posted 7/6/2013 13:30 PM

I hear you on the difficulty of leaving someone after you've put down roots. The guilt sucks. My XW wanted to stay married, so I had to be the tough one.

Stay strong. If it's not right, you're doing both yourself and him a service by ending it.

Sorry, it ain't easy.

nowiknow23 posted 7/6/2013 13:55 PM


heartbroken_kk posted 7/6/2013 14:39 PM

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry

You are strong enough to be true to yourself. The hurt will pass.


MovingUpward posted 7/6/2013 15:07 PM


WhiteWolfWinning posted 7/6/2013 21:45 PM

We are here for you. Sending many hugs.

Williesmom posted 7/6/2013 22:18 PM


burnt_toast posted 7/7/2013 09:41 AM

Thanks for all the hugs. Some screen names I recognize with fondness.

Although my SO is a more decent man than XH was, I realize how much similarities between the two now... a childhood when they were crushed by a parent or never heard, being compelled to play the knight in a shiny armor, being oversensitive to other people's oppinion of them, shutting me out when things are hard instead of trusting me with their pain, blaming others for their feelings. This last thing, among others, is clearly outside my boundaries.

On my side, I'm realizing how much I've been again going out of my way to "fix" someone. I will have to work on that if I want to be at peace and happy in a future relationship.

I have been attracted by this mix of apparent strenght and fragility in my SO... this should have been a red flag, but I think I was still healing from the D and unconsciously, I was looking for someone a little broken so I could not feel judged for being broken myself. But as I was continuing IC, this evolved for me. I don't feel that need anymore.

Stangely, there is a blessing in disguise in all of this. It is giving me a lot of closure from my D. At last.

It still hurts.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 9:54 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

gahurts posted 7/7/2013 09:50 AM


missherlots posted 7/7/2013 10:56 AM

Somehow, in the process of trying to deny that things are always changing, we lose our sense of the sacredness of life. We tend to forget that we are part of the natural scheme of things.

Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful

burnt_toast posted 7/7/2013 16:14 PM

He's been texting me several times today. Pleading me to return. That he gets it. That he asked for help.


solus sto posted 7/7/2013 16:36 PM

(((burnt_toast))) You did something incredibly difficult, and for which you should be very proud.

My mother wasn't big on advice. But the one piece she did give was this:

This above all: to thine own self be true.

It's something I'm only now learning to do. It's damn hard---but it is a tool that gets easier to use with practice, and it is incredibly liberating.

You did the right thing. For both of you, really.

I'm sorry it hurts.

burnt_toast posted 7/15/2013 19:38 PM


I've been moving out last week and having a rough time letting my emotions surface. All the changes are too harsh, I find myself shutting away from the reality of having no home and no partner.

I miss him and my home yet I know nothing have changed since I left. Why should I return? Head and heart sing a different song.

He called me last week to let me know he's had a breakthrough and that he's ready to go to IC. I told him he could'nt debreif therapy with me - I left him because I can't be his therapist. I don't think he gets why he has to do this on his own. Untill he does...

Oh gawd. This is easier than the pain of infidelity - yet it is sometimes beyond my limits. I miss my life.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 7:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)]

phmh posted 7/15/2013 19:50 PM


You'll come through this stronger and happier in the end. I'm sorry you're hurting.

jo2love posted 7/15/2013 21:31 PM


sheila0304 posted 7/15/2013 21:49 PM

I'm sorry bt.
Your pain resonates with me. The pain of infidelity and now another heartbreak. Yes, I understand it feeling beyond the limit.
My mantra for years was "let go or get dragged" and sadly I've had to dust it off again.

hexed posted 7/15/2013 22:02 PM


MovingUpward posted 7/16/2013 06:05 AM


I know that this is hard. And we are here for you. You will get through this too. So continue to lean on us as you need.

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