For a time now, I've had suspicion that at least some have probably met her already, yes.
One of them I thought was truthful for a while, but now am not so sure. I find myself making more and more distance with the group in general, though I wanted to try to keep the connection.
I have this feeling lately that anything in this world I touch becomes broken. My life feels like beach sand that you hold in your fingers and watch slip through and then can't find again.
My car had major problems this weekend and so then I was given use of one of STBX's vehicles and I got in there and it wouldn't start.
I used to tell myself, "at least I have this", or "At least I have that" and one was the car, so feeling like a lost loser isn't going away.
Still I can feel the claws or octopus arms of control reaching out, even though I'm quite certain that if STBX thinks of me at all, it is with glee and a wine glass and dartboard.
I'm sorry to come on SI feeling so sorry for myself, for I've been doing better but for some reason am very down today.
DD and I spent time with a favored relative today and she is this huge success, in all areas of her life and was going on to this family dinner with H, inlaws, parents, so I think seeing her go again and having family life envy has thrown me off the deep end.
I can see STBX for who he really is and who he hid from me, but still have a feeling of ...existing. Not living, but existing to meet my daughter's needs and to stay alive for the baby's sake.
I'm not suicidal (anymore) but I think having children to care for has pushed me along and made me care more than I may have.
I keep telling myself things we pump ourselves up with-"we had the best of his life", "OW has a cheater and knows it but keeps him", and so on, but some days none of those words help.
The truth is what it is and I feel like I lost. Once upon a time, STBX was a very good man, a true spouse and father figure and that's all gone now.
Most of the time I shuffle through the day all right, but maybe with the holiday, sense of family is lost to me again and I can't stand it.
I stood tall for tradition, family and many other fundamental things that he threw in my face.
You know, he tried to find a way to get DD taken away from me and was trying to declare me unfit and incompetent, but it blew up in his face.
Trying to take my child is part of the hurt I can't get past and the worry that he would try it again. He went so far as to find out the consequences if he took her "there" without my knowledge and that bothers me.
I also have nightmares, during the two hours I sleep, of OW's relative that he brought to our house once, while we were home. At one point he was using resources there to keep our house going and it was more than I could bear.
I can still feel the man's presence in my house and can't spend time in the areas this person was.
And what kind of person is that man, who STBX calls "friend" very passionately? This "friend" knew exactly what they were doing and helped STBX trick both his wife and child...again with these people.
It helped me a little to remember this today and remember what a horrible person STBX has become to think they are "wonderful", which he calls them.
This is OW's family (I call tribe) and they all knew he is/was married and welcomed and accepted him into their folds.
No, I'm not supposed to think of them or him and it's not helping my healing, it's more of a wonder type thing.
I'm really glad you learned that part of the truth, NewlySingle, glad someone out there gave you that gift.
As I started to say, I think if the IL's are talking about OW in the case of STBX, I suspect she has already been around.
He talked one day about shopping in the area and brought DD some new things and he's not a person to go shopping alone, so I think part of my sadness is also knowing that "they" are out where we live and he is integrating her to this society, or who out of it will accept her.
I am relieved and cried when each and every one of DD's friends from school refuse to give him the time of day now. For a while he was trying to be like before and take another kid on their visits, but finally as the truth comes out, the parents are saying, "no", so and so can play with DD when Mom's home only."
It really helped me feel validated and like someone accepted me and show him because he wants to pick and choose who to take to his new life with him...and he can't control the whole universe.
I feel very strongly that I want this to fail for him and for her. Oh, I don't want the man back, but I want him to have to face what he did and know it's not real there, because it's not. It's fantasy rainbow unicorn land that he gave up a whole life for, the house we built and so on.
Does that make any sense or does anyone else ever feel like that?
So much more to say but I keep repeating, "what matters? The fool can have him." I have to believe that he'll be capable of doing the same thing to her or others, even if it takes time?
I think an NPD person can only keep the mask on for a certain time?
Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and reading anything I write.
SI truly helps me not contact him and that's one of my sources of getting any pride back. I make a game with myself for the longer I can go not contacting him, I get a small reward, like coming here or a food treat.
I wish everyone peace.