His voice will ring in my mind or dday itself will repeat like a reel in my mind and the times after it when he pretended to reconcile.
He said some things that will never leave my mind, heart or soul and I think I need them very much to go, or they will eat me alive...longer.
I don't know if posting the words will help or if anyone will read them, but I cry silently as I type and hear the voice in my head:
"I feel guilty at not being at HER house. I feel guilty being home." I am reading what I wrote and crying, but maybe it will get some of this out once and for all?
It hits me any time of day or night, the voice that used to console me so but said so much to hurt me. For 20 years that voice consoled me and in a brief week, nearly cost me my life.
I spent time after dday reading about guilt and trying to put it away through that method, but it didn't work. I don't always know what it means, but I have ideas and hate myself when it comes into my head. For three days now it's been in my head and nothing I do eases it.
The heat and stress are bothering the pregnancy, so maybe it's from stress or something, as I said before? but any help for distraction is gladly accepted. I've done all of the age-old and popular distraction tricks, but still it returns.
I can still see his face in my mind when I hear those words, it is like time stopped for me and life kind of ...stopped, too.
There are other small speeches or one liners he said during that time, but giving loyalty to another woman with that speech is what also fueled me to file the papers, but he also killed part of who I am, because he was part of who I am.
Knowing that he stayed for so long for whatever reasons that weren't love emotionally ruins me to think, but sometimes I am not strong enough to push them away.
I know what an a'hole he has truly been and I have panic attacks if I have to be in contact with him, but I loved him since I was a kid and it's a lot of change, a lot to understand is just not my life anymore.
The level of loss I face now and face alone is rather shocking and to know that he is fully aware of what he caused and lives with other people while we suffer...why doesn't it help more for the letting go process?
Why can't I let go of someone who hurt me and our daughter and KNEW he was going to, planned it all, but did it anyway?
He even ruined a job I worked extremely hard to get. It feels like every part of my life I had constructed, he touched and ruined ...and still is.
How can people give to another person and then take away, so willingly, so boldly, so calmly, so painfully? Without the other person even knowing their life is about to be blown to smithereens?
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
The day after he snuck out in the middle of the night, he called every one of my relatives very late at night and told them what he was doing-but not me.
At the time he did not divulge OW-apparently she had thrown him out until he could choose his 20 year marriage or her-but said he was leaving us.
So I did not even get to tell people myself-on "my side", either...there's soooo much.
He also went to my work place and told them, so I didn't get to tell them and he did not tell me that he did all of this.
Sometimes the amount of control he exhibited helps me let go a little more, but not enough.
Pieces of it come into my mind as a reel of film, I think I already said, and maybe it will help to write them out and get any feedback.
It was about 7 months later that an OW was found out, but the people in my family who found out did not tell me-my own mother, brother, sister. And my mother changed the story so many times that it's made hazy for when her dday was-I finally realized it doesn't matter anyway and she made it a mess so I would be in the dark-these are both narcissists, stbx and mother 'of' mine.
I do not know who to trust of anyone we know or knew and find I don't trust anyone now.
Another thing he stole.
I'm so sorry. That is a huge betrayal on too of a betrayal that nobody in your family told you. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you to discover.
I so understand the voice that you are gearing today. STBX is in town right now. He took the kids to a hotel for the weekend (I'm out of state with the kids for the summer). MIL came with him to see the kids as well and wanted to take me up lunch today. She was very kind and we had a nice lunch, but for some reason it conjured up all these painful memories for me. I also kept hearing his voice saying "I never loved you and never wanted to marry you. You were a mistake. I would have left you sooner, but then you had dd and I felt like I couldn't. I was going to call you from my business trip and tell you I wanted a divorce (because he wanted to leave for OW), but I was nice enough to wait and do it in person".
Yeah, he later tried to tell me that "he didn't mean that stuff he said". Really? Those words will forever ring in my ears. I cried the whole way back to my mom's after dropping MIL off, just thinking back on it.
I'm going to a BBQ with friends tonight and looking forward to the distraction. I hope you can find a distraction tonight too.
[This message edited by newlysingle at 5:57 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]
Thank you. Both for replying and sharing some of your experience with me/us.
DD and I have had something to do every day this weekend -or made something up-but for some reason my mind is back in the dumps, so to speak, and won't stop the thought patterns.
There are other things STBX said when he was exiting the final day and confirmation of false R hit me. He went back to reasons for why he married me in the first place and knows that I held marriage very dear to my heart-it was my whole life-and he threw it in my face.
I believe that I was basically an obsession, so that I would not F anyone else, but I guess he felt he could. I think his saying he wants to marry OW to my mother (yep, he did) maybe is a way of making another woman his possession?
There are some IL's who tell me "I didn't know", but as this plays out in my mind over and over, I think some did. You know how a person will say something that doesn't make any sense at the time, but later on, hits you like a ton of bricks?
One of my staying supporters, said to me an entire year ago (wow, time...), "Don't go on facebook!! Stay off, stay off!" and he has no internet, (not very relevant I think), but I was shocked at that and the vehemence with which he said it.
Well, it was the time when STBX and OW put their affair online and stole my pictures.
So I think that other people knew, like a niece who acted strange, but what does it matter now? I'm losing them anyway because he lied about me so much some of the snub me.
I think it's my own immediate family that I don't know how to "deal with". My brother knew for a long while, never said a word. And you know what? He was with me when I got the message from OW that threw SBTB under the bus. My brother said, "Is this real?" but he knew it was!
To this day, he never told me he knew, never apologized, nothing. It was the holiday week and I couldn't figure out why he was trying to get me to drink, but knows I don't-I get migrains anyway!-and this is another thing about a person that didn't feel right. He was annoyed when I wouldn't drink, for it was when I was confronting STBX and had OW in my cell phone screaming at me at my awful marriage and introducing herself.
This is another reason I can't figure out why he would choose her, but I'm too long in writing already. So many things he was "upset" with me for, but she did far, far worse.
I suspect there is money or a resource there, for he's npd and I've heard it's "fancy" where she lives.
I also found his clothes in his car lately and at relative's houses.
And yet, I'm working on not thinking of him, I promise, and don't actually do it all day, as before. Now it's more of a head shake, or "thank goodness he's gone again".
I understand what you mean about having your STBX in town and it's painful. I have pain when I hear him drive away and imagine where he's going-I'm working on that too.
You know, he and his lawyer complained about his expenses adding up for seeing our daughter and his L yelled at me when I didn't show support? Or for his taxes for 20 years of CS?
I'm veering now, sorry.
I wish my MIL was alive still and have visited her grave and her house. The BIL who owns the house welcomes me, but as time goes by, it gets harder to be there.
Some of the IL's talk about welcoming OW into the folds and I simply cannot be "friends" with any person who even speaks to "it".
Many people try to assure me that it won't last, in part because OW is such a trip and a half and because STBX won't deal with his mass of FOO
I know what you mean about being with your MIL because it happens if I have lunch or dinner with one of the IL's (over ten).
One of them is the baby's godfather and invites me to spend the night there and spend time but he smokes and also is so alike in appearance, manner and voice of STBX that I cry a lot more when I'm there. Or seeing the family pictures of people I'm not part of any more.
They are trying to be welcoming and have me be part of things even with the ones that snub me, but it's to much pain on top of pain on top of pain that takes too long to go away.
I spent time with STBX the other day because we had some stuff that had to be done at the same time -paperwork-and felt such disgust I couldn't even look at him.
I couldn't get these visions of those hands all over other women and found I didn't even like him touching my car. I don't want him near our children, but there's nothing I can do about it and they need a father.
He grew up without one and I can't handle standing in their way of him.
How could a man who knows what it's like to grow up without a dad, walk out on his child?
Am I losing it?
Our mind cannot compute WTF happened - it doesn't stop us trying to pinpoint where it all went south.
I did this all the way back to the day we met. Then I realised it started well before I was in the picture. This is just who he is.
I am a very strong person - I had a childhood I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I was forged in steel.
But my strength turned against me - coupled with the emotional abuse of love bombing, gaslighting, manipulation it meant I could withstand the most unbelievable amount of bullshit.... and did so for almost a decade.
Today I am no longer astonished that it ended, I am astonished that I stayed so long. That I let it get to that point before standing up for myself against who he has always been. Finally who I have always been rose to the surface again. I missed her.
Be gentle with yourself through this. Having anyone in your life for 20 years then not having them would take a massive amount of adjusting - moreso when it is your supposed best friend, confidant and the one who promised to love and protect you till death do us part.
I'm not still where you are but I wanted you to know that I get it. I think we all do. You're not alone, friend.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 12:22 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]
The one very positive thing that came out of my lunch with MIL was the truth about OW visiting them. Nobody told me that she had gone to their home with him and I was crushed to find out that they'd invited her over before we'd even filed for divorce. STBX thre it in my face and said that I shouldn't think I'm so "in" with his family because they'd all met OW and loved her!
Well, MIL told a very different version of events. She said that OW came with STBX unannounced and uninvited. She said it was extremely uncomfortable for everyone and OW sat in the corner and hardly anyone spoke to her. She also said that BIL was really angry about and had words with STBX outside.
Ha ha, so much for the whole family loving her!
You've been thrown a lot, in a short period. I am hopeful that you will find some peace once you are divorced. That is when you can start to rebuild. Those horrible things he said will become softer and more distant and eventually go away.
My only thought for dealing with them now is to maybe try to not take them at face value. Maybe interpret them differently, as if you're translating a foreign language. Hear the words, then say to yourself, what he was really saying was, "I am cowardly. I don't want to admit it, so I am good g to say something that I know will hurt you. This way you won't force me to see the horrible thing I have done." (Or,something like that.)
No one should have to deal with this much stuff while being pregnant. Your child and child on the way need you. You will be their rock.
Strength to you.
One of them I thought was truthful for a while, but now am not so sure. I find myself making more and more distance with the group in general, though I wanted to try to keep the connection.
I have this feeling lately that anything in this world I touch becomes broken. My life feels like beach sand that you hold in your fingers and watch slip through and then can't find again.
My car had major problems this weekend and so then I was given use of one of STBX's vehicles and I got in there and it wouldn't start.
I used to tell myself, "at least I have this", or "At least I have that" and one was the car, so feeling like a lost loser isn't going away.
Still I can feel the claws or octopus arms of control reaching out, even though I'm quite certain that if STBX thinks of me at all, it is with glee and a wine glass and dartboard.
I'm sorry to come on SI feeling so sorry for myself, for I've been doing better but for some reason am very down today.
DD and I spent time with a favored relative today and she is this huge success, in all areas of her life and was going on to this family dinner with H, inlaws, parents, so I think seeing her go again and having family life envy has thrown me off the deep end.
I can see STBX for who he really is and who he hid from me, but still have a feeling of ...existing. Not living, but existing to meet my daughter's needs and to stay alive for the baby's sake.
I'm not suicidal (anymore) but I think having children to care for has pushed me along and made me care more than I may have.
I keep telling myself things we pump ourselves up with-"we had the best of his life", "OW has a cheater and knows it but keeps him", and so on, but some days none of those words help.
The truth is what it is and I feel like I lost. Once upon a time, STBX was a very good man, a true spouse and father figure and that's all gone now.
Most of the time I shuffle through the day all right, but maybe with the holiday, sense of family is lost to me again and I can't stand it.
I stood tall for tradition, family and many other fundamental things that he threw in my face.
You know, he tried to find a way to get DD taken away from me and was trying to declare me unfit and incompetent, but it blew up in his face.
Trying to take my child is part of the hurt I can't get past and the worry that he would try it again. He went so far as to find out the consequences if he took her "there" without my knowledge and that bothers me.
I also have nightmares, during the two hours I sleep, of OW's relative that he brought to our house once, while we were home. At one point he was using resources there to keep our house going and it was more than I could bear.
I can still feel the man's presence in my house and can't spend time in the areas this person was.
And what kind of person is that man, who STBX calls "friend" very passionately? This "friend" knew exactly what they were doing and helped STBX trick both his wife and child...again with these people.
It helped me a little to remember this today and remember what a horrible person STBX has become to think they are "wonderful", which he calls them.
This is OW's family (I call tribe) and they all knew he is/was married and welcomed and accepted him into their folds.
No, I'm not supposed to think of them or him and it's not helping my healing, it's more of a wonder type thing.
I'm really glad you learned that part of the truth, NewlySingle, glad someone out there gave you that gift.
As I started to say, I think if the IL's are talking about OW in the case of STBX, I suspect she has already been around.
He talked one day about shopping in the area and brought DD some new things and he's not a person to go shopping alone, so I think part of my sadness is also knowing that "they" are out where we live and he is integrating her to this society, or who out of it will accept her.
I am relieved and cried when each and every one of DD's friends from school refuse to give him the time of day now. For a while he was trying to be like before and take another kid on their visits, but finally as the truth comes out, the parents are saying, "no", so and so can play with DD when Mom's home only."
It really helped me feel validated and like someone accepted me and show him because he wants to pick and choose who to take to his new life with him...and he can't control the whole universe.
I feel very strongly that I want this to fail for him and for her. Oh, I don't want the man back, but I want him to have to face what he did and know it's not real there, because it's not. It's fantasy rainbow unicorn land that he gave up a whole life for, the house we built and so on.
Does that make any sense or does anyone else ever feel like that?
So much more to say but I keep repeating, "what matters? The fool can have him." I have to believe that he'll be capable of doing the same thing to her or others, even if it takes time?
I think an NPD person can only keep the mask on for a certain time?
Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and reading anything I write.
SI truly helps me not contact him and that's one of my sources of getting any pride back. I make a game with myself for the longer I can go not contacting him, I get a small reward, like coming here or a food treat.
I wish everyone peace.
I spent a long time searching for the man I married. Even after S. Sure he cheated and blew my life apart but surely he wouldn't do X. Deep down he was good. He just had to be. I had to find him.
Each time he did X I would set the bar lower and lower and lower, he went lower each time.
I am no longer surprised by the fuckery but I am still surprised that there really is no good in there IYKWIM? None at all. Zero. And for that I am sad.
TBH I haven't hoped to find my husband again for a very long time. I can't say I've stopped hoping for a single shred of good in him.
You need to mourn not only for the past but the future you thought you were going to have.
If you haven't already I would talk to your Dr as you may need meds to help you through this. Sometimes no amount of self talk can get us out of these funks - sometimes its a brain chemical thing.
I have recently started reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and in it she talks about old abandonment issues rising to the surface thereby escalating our feelings of abandonment in our current predicament.
I recommend you read this book.
NC isn't just about not contacting them - its about evicting them from our headspace. Right now they still have free real estate in your head. Start going about evicting them.
I used the mental image of a stop sign in my head whenever I found myself thinking about him or the past. It helped break the cycle of obsessive thinking. Some use a rubber band on their wrist that they snap.
I am forming new habits whilst also giving up old bad habits. IMO you need to tackle both.
Some days you just need to breathe through it. I can't tell you the number of days I spent wailing on the floor. But those episodes lessened in intensity, duration and frequency the more I focussed on me - not on him.