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Did you confront OP or tell their spouse?

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Runninggirl posted 7/6/2013 17:28 PM

Someone else's thread touched on this topic.
It seems many of us did not get a chance to confront OW (in my case MOW).

Did you contact OP?
Did you contact their spouse if they were married? I have done neither I think Imagining how "blowing her perfect world up" by telling her H sounds better than how it would actually play out.
I would love to freak her out by threatening to tell her husband, but somehow she would be the victim and I would be the "B" so I haven't done it.

Whiich route did you choose?

Housefulloflove posted 7/6/2013 17:43 PM

I wanted to confront OW but she was too chicken-shit to even answer her phone. She soon left the state and now the country! So I don't think it's an option anymore (not that I would do it if it were at this point.)

She wasn't married. She was a drug-abusing loser and living all alone. He ex-husband cheated and left her for another woman and she developed a drug problem soon after (making her actions even more worthy as she knows what it's like to be a BS). She had nothing, not even custody of her own children due to drugs. Oh and she barely spoke English! The language barrier between her and my ex might be why their "relationship" lasted as long as it did after I kicked him lasted days, maybe even close to a week.

I pitied her more than anything because she got dropped by one cheating asshole (her ex) only to end up messing with another cheating asshole that was about as exciting as having an affair with a dead fish (my ex). Had she not been so pitiful I might have made an attempt to meet her face-to-face when she refused to answer my call and texts.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 5:51 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Lucky posted 7/6/2013 17:43 PM

I did both actually. Well her BH called me first but we kept in touch... more eyes to keep watch.

I confronted OW many times as she wouldn't respect NC and she took up stalking me, started rumors about them, reported me at their work (I don't work there )... on and on.

She really resented the fact that her H and I talked and compared notes. She said "how dare they talk about me/us?".. hmmmmm... karma bitch.. karma...

cdnmommy posted 7/6/2013 18:01 PM

I texted MOW, told her I knew, and that either she told her BH or I would.

I thought I was being kind to him by giving her the chance to come clean, but once I found out how she blamed him for her A, and continued to belittle and treat him badly (they were told by MC that she needed to come back on her own because she just bitched about him the whole time and owned nothing) I felt bad. Not that he knew, since I believe he was entitled to the truth, but that I wish I had told him myself. I cared about his feelings and would have been a lot kinder than her.

I never confronted MOW. Thought about it a lot, but for what purpose? If they are lucky she finally found remorse, and I don't want to hurt her family. If she never got it, then nothing I say will matter to her anyway.

rachelc posted 7/6/2013 18:11 PM

Confronted her, showed up on her doorstep to tell her spouse, or in the 2nd OW's case, called her employer and said there was a family emergency for him to take my call. Called OW 1 mom , brother and employer....
Actions have consequences....

Take2 posted 7/6/2013 18:25 PM

The OW I discovered was single. He left upon confrontation and moved in with her. My thought was - you want him that badly - you can have him!

I never confronted her or felt compelled to. Though I was sorely tempted when I learned he had already cheated on her.

The OWs from way before her were single (those that I know of)and were so far in the past... why bother.

Of the OW during the time we were S but he was professing a desire to R - all but one were single to my knowledge. I searched for any info on that MOW's BH but couldn't find it.

Not long afterward her married status however turned to single -- so maybe he was watching the phone bill and a secret email acct. too.

That said, I have two friends who used to live nearby, who are now LD. We only talk on the phone like twice a year. With each of these friends our last conversation was when I revealed that I knew the A's went all the way back - and that there were many OW -- and that was the last I heard from either one of them (4 years ago).

If I ever knew for sure - I'd likely never speak to them again unless they called to confess. Then I'd tell them exactly how it feels, but otherwise I wouldn't waste my breath.

I don't feel betrayed by the single OW that didn't know me.
And I only would have contacted the MOW's BH so he could know the truth of his M (else I'd feel I was somehow betraying him). If it turns out my own "friends" betrayed me - I'd have a lot to get off my chest!

freelancer posted 7/6/2013 18:48 PM

I wrote OW#1 an email on DD. She never responded. I hadn't found SI at that point, and it still bothers me that she never responded. She lives 3000 miles away, so I couldn't just show up at her front door. Had I lived closer, I probably would have. WH isn't the first MM she has fucked with, and I don't think she has ever really seen consequences for her actions. After my WH she convinced one of his co-workers to leave his wife and kids and move cross country to live with her. And buy her fake boobs. And then in May of this year (10 months post-DD) she texted WH "I still love you". Stupid whore.

[This message edited by freelancer at 6:49 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

imagoodwitch posted 7/6/2013 19:57 PM

I did both.

The day before the actual DDay, I called the number that was on the cell phone bill, it was her home phone number, we chatted, she lied her ass off.

The next day, DDay, I sent a very detailed email to her FIL, asking him to relay the contents of the email to her BH and asked that her BH contact me.

Bless her FIL, he read the rather explicit email to his son on the phone during dinner.

According to her BH, she shit.

All in all, her BH and I spent about 10 hours on the phone piecing the whole A together.

isadora posted 7/6/2013 20:26 PM

I confronted OW2, don't recommend. what I wish I would have done was heafty bag his crap and given it to her. I got a whole lot of "we never meant for this to happen". It felt like I was the interloper. I did tell her I hope he treats you better than me. I hope she remembered those words.

She told her BH before I was told. But MIL told her BH for me about their continued contact.

Her BH deserves to know

blakesteele posted 7/6/2013 20:43 PM

Upon my original discovery I called the OM and left a voice message for him to call me. He texted me...apologized for his actions, said it got too far too quickly, and that he will back away.

2 weeks later I discovered the affair had just went underground...sigh...this is when he and my wife took the EA to the PA level...but I did not know that the PA had started just that they continued to invest in their relationship....double sigh.

I then confronted him on his front porch...he was visibly nervous and asked me to leave, his two oldest kids (he has 5, these two are teenagers) on the other side of the picture window....9 pm at night. I continued to talk to him. I provided him with copies of the erotic emails, asked him if his wife knew, he said she knew he started jogging with my wife and that is all he was going to tell her, I advised him to tell his wife, he then asked that I leave his property. I did.

That was pretty much within the first 3 weeks of finding out about the affair. 3 months after that I contacted the OM wife. I never told my wife or my counselor that I was going to do it. For the record I did this before any conversations regarding this action took place between myself and my wife or myself and my counselor. It was only later, after I contacted his wife, that this came up as a topic. When this topic came up my counselor was firm on this was NOT an action I should do and it would just cause the other family more pain. So I did my action before this conversation previous actions went against both my counselors and wifes advice...odd, the one conversation where my MC was very stern about what to do and what not to do...and it is one of the least doubted actions I have taken since starting down this path...have not regretted it yet. My wife has since said she thought it was absolutely the right thing for me to do as well...and my wife does feel genuinely bad for the pain her actions is having on their family.

How I did this?

I developed a game plan...and then followed through on it. I just presented the facts as I knew them to his wife, provided documentation to back up what I just told her, told her that I did NOT think they had sex per my wifes insistence that they had not (yeah, I was dumb)...but that the erotic nature of the documents had me suspect and doubted this statement (part of me was still thinking and acting correctly)...but had no facts to prove they had entered a physical relationship, and then told her that my wife and I were totally clean, were each others first, my wife had not done this painful act before, and if they had sex my wife would not have given him anything. Told her my wife and I are in counseling and are committed to making our marriage work. (this is what I really thought was the truth at that time). I wished her well in her journey ahead...told her where I could be reached if she had the urge...gave her a quick, 3 second hug, and left.

NOTE: Later it was revealed that they did indeed have sex...but, again, I had no proof so I did not state that which I did not know.

I refrained from passing any other judgements or comments. You might notice I use the word TOLD several times...I did not enter this meeting with a conversation in mind. I did not want to engage like that because it would run the risk of derailing my plan.

This was one of the best, no regrets action I have taken since discovery. It lasted all of 15-20 minutes.

Be prepared to see some real grief...healthy or not healthy. He had told his wife...but trickle trothed her and left out lots and lots of details...said they were just running partners, he was trying to get healthy so he didn't have a heart attack and leave his family in a tough spot, that he recognized it was getting into inappropriate territory and he cut it off with my wife. His wife was a mess. She cried, gave me a laundry list of what she was doing wrong that made her husband do what he did, ran herself down hard...and I just let her do it...was not my plan to get any sort of emotional banter going between was hard as I wanted to comfort her...she thanked me for my information...and I left.

I think we know what type of man we are dealing with there. I felt bad for her...have wanted to talk with her since because I saw the pain and part of me wants to comfort. But that would NOT be appropriate and I WOULD regret that.

My advice...if you decide to contact the other BS is to present the facts that you know to be true and nothing more...try to provide cell records, emails...anything that substantiates what you are reporting to them. Then assure them that you are not crazy and feel for the pain THEIR family is experiencing and assure them that you have no desire to add to that pain. Then leave...and be done with it.

Again, this was the right thing to do...but you got to do it with the right reasons and frame of mind...otherwise it will just be revenge and not end well.

For the record, if my wife actually ended her affair when both she and the OM said they would have...I most likely would NOT have contacted her. I found out about the affair within 2 months of it really heating up...and just before it went physical.

I would have left that dog lie...but since I knew it continued past both of their heart felt apologizes, changing the situation, I changed my inputs.knwim?

I don't think their is a right or wrong answer...and, as you can see, I changed my answer as to if I would speak to the OM wife or not. So nothing is permanent.

Long answer...but wanted to give this the time and effort it deserves. Keep in mind BS did NOT damage either of the families involved...our WS did that all on their own...they must decide what is right in their minds with regards to how they handle their mistakes...and lumping all of their issues on their BS is not the right answer.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:33 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

fourever posted 7/6/2013 20:45 PM

The OW is rarely worth talking with. Stay away from that crazy.
However, the other bs should always be told. Always. Even months later.

They deserve the same truth that we did.

Ashland13 posted 7/6/2013 20:55 PM

No, OW contacted me to throw STBX under the bus when he tried to come home.

My reply to her was for her to go to hell and never contact me again.

Even though I was shaking, I felt really good after it. I did say a few things prior to it -I thanked her for the possibilities of STD's and for sleeping with a married man while his wife and child suffer.

Now, she continues to live with him, knowing I am pregnant and he cheated on her and on me and that he abandoned his family to be with her.

This kind of person, I do not wish contact with, especially after she stole my pictures for her own use and put herself in my place.

Even though I have intense devestation, I also feel like she is a big fool and will have to learn what I did all by herself.

If he could do that to me, why not to her or anyone else who tries to love him?

blakesteele posted 7/6/2013 21:04 PM

...and I did have the Sheriff call me and tell me to leave the OM alone. That if I continued to contact him that I would be arrested for harassment.

Disgusting in this state how talking to the man that is sleeping with your wife can lead to a criminal record...but him sleeping with my wife has no legal penalities at all.

To be fair, I texted him at all hours of the night...kinda like he and my wife did with each other. So, yeah, it wasn't like I was I can see the harassment side of it.

I see it so well that I realized what I was risking with regards to possible custody issues with my I dropped it. Was good to do anyway...was childish of me to act that way...and I DO regret my actions regarding that.

Thing is...I was a peaceful, non-jealous husband pre-A.

This has awaken a fight instinct within me that I never knew I had.

God be with me.

Ostrich80 posted 7/6/2013 21:07 PM

Ow is D so no one to tell but I did text her. I wish.I.had found SI before DD because I handled it wrong. I didn't know about a nc letter. I basically told her I knew, told her to come.pick his sorry ass up because he wasn't taking my truck. She of course denied. When ws and I decided to give it another shot, I sent her a nc letter via text. Should have been him, I didn't know any better. I was just trying to keep them from talking. I told her.I was letting.him stay and we
were trying to save our M and family so no texts, no phone calls, nc at all. She called me insecure and jealous, said I was over reacting to a friendship. Yea she's a lying bitch.

Also..they had already spoken and had their stories perfectly matched...should have been my first sign, second sign was him defending her and taking blame while she was innocent

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 9:10 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Williesmom posted 7/6/2013 21:42 PM

I talked to her BH on DDay #1. I said "Are you guys having marital problems? No? Well, you are now".

So, my delivery may have been bad, but he was no help to me. Rug sweeping at its best.

On DDay #2, I called Mow's parents. That got results.

I also assaulted Mow the day after the first DDay, but she kept coming back. She was a persistent one, probably because thei lurve was so special.

Runninggirl posted 7/6/2013 22:25 PM

Thank you for responses.
I hate this for all of us.
Also want to say I type OW out of habit, but unfortunately so many OM out there too : (

stillhere09 posted 7/6/2013 22:39 PM

I find that interesting, Williesmom, that telling her parents got results. Maybe I should have done that in my 2nd M.

In my first M, I told the OW's BH. I went to his work (he was a cop) and told him I needed to talk to him about his wife. He took me to a private office and I showed him proof - a huge bag of letters his wife wrote to my WH.

Long story short, it was the best move I could have made. He told me some things I didn't know, things they had done together. He suggested that if I found out anything else to let him know, and if he found out anything else, he'd let me know. We exchanged phone numbers.

The next week, she resigned from her so-called job at my WH's work. (My WH was a cop in another town, and she went there as a volunteer to play with the guys.) She had to either quit or say goodbye to her M. She was too busy after that trying to save her M to worry about playing with my WH anymore.

IMO - it's always best to tell the BS. They have a right to know, and they may have a physical need to know (if STD's may be involved.)

jimbo25319 posted 7/6/2013 22:54 PM

Current OM and his wife are separated, though it's informal. She has a boyfriend, so she could care less what her H does.

With the first OM, I sent him a text asking he end contact with my WW. He did. WW States she never told him she was M's so I believe he did not know she was.

I sent the current OM a text acknowledging the challenges in his M. I made him aware of the issues in M marriage and asked he stop communicating with my WW. He thank me for my concern for his M and that was it. He never stopped texting or calling my WW.

ifinallyfoundme posted 7/7/2013 05:39 AM

Disgusting in this state how talking to the man that is sleeping with your wife can lead to a criminal record...but him sleeping with my wife has no legal penalities at all.

You know that in some states you can sue the AP.

SeeThingsNow1 posted 7/7/2013 06:07 AM

researched info online as the other person lived out of country and found from gathered info an address. Sent the other persons husband copies of emails and a note telling what I had found. Now this person had a grown son with same name as her husband lol I dont know which person got the actual mail I sent, I never got any response back. Glad I did it though, made me feel that I had my say in a situation I wasn't invited to play in! Like many others, i found this site after and there are a few things I would have done a bit differently.

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