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Alyssamd24 posted 7/6/2013 17:47 PM

BH has told me repeatedly if I want to be able to move back home I have to really make an effort and prove to him that I am trying.

I have been making the effort....calling/texting him to say hi,going over to visit, and inviting him to do different things with us. Today the three of us went to a bday party and we all had a wonderful time. After the party BH and our DD brought me back to my parents house and then went home.

I am so tired of being at my parents house and not being with my family. I want so much to be back at home with my H and DD. Whenever I bring it up with BH he says he doesn't know and then drops the subject. It's so difficult waiting to see what he is going to decide....I am trying not to pressure him but want him make a decision.

Mrs Panda posted 7/6/2013 20:32 PM

Have you gone NC with OM?

Have you quit the job where he is?

Have you sincerely apologized? Laid it on the the line?

It's easy to change the easy stuff. Maybe he needs you to step outside your comfort zone.

But,I thought you had mentioned he was starting to see other women? Because if he is the case, that changes a lot, and nothing you do may persuade him until he drops that.

isadora posted 7/6/2013 20:35 PM

What are you doing to make him feel safe? Are you in IC? Are you doing the work to fix yourself to find out Why you cheated?

It takes more than texting hi to fix this

Alyssamd24 posted 7/6/2013 20:44 PM

Yes I have gone NC with OM. I am still working at the same place but our interactions now are strictly professional.
I am in IC and have been searching to find out why I cheated and think I am starting to find out the answers. What do you mean what am I doing to make him feel safe? I'm not sure how to do this, can you give me an example please?

He is not seeing other women....the woman he had at our house for dinner he said was just a friend and nothing more. He realized after the fact that having her over wasn't a good idea.

Mrs Panda posted 7/6/2013 20:48 PM

So Alyssa, let's talk here for a moment. You are NOT NC.

You still see this man.

Doesn't matter that you aren't flirting with him or fucking him.

BH knows you still see him. He has no idea what your interactions are like. Doesn't matter anyway.

You are not NC.

You want you BH back? Step outside the comfort zone.

isadora posted 7/6/2013 20:59 PM

By making him feel safe, I mean what actions are you taking to begin to give him security that you will not cheat again, because simply saying it does not mean anything.

How can he independently verify what you say happens at work is the truth?

Are you fixing yourself for yourself or fixing yourself to get your life back? Because fixing your self for you means you can be a safe partner. Fixing yourself to get your life back may in fact get your M and life back. But what happens when the horror of what you did fades?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/6/2013 21:18 PM

How do I step outside the comfort zone?

Yes I am still working there but this is something my BH and I have agreed on because if I were to leave this job it would affect our DD.

Isadora,
I am fixing myself to make myself a better person and to ensure an A won't happen again. I don't know what I can do to make myself a safe person for my BH.

Skan posted 7/6/2013 21:33 PM

I don't see a stop sign, so BW here.

First off, if my FWH had any interactions at work with an OW, I would not feel safe. At all. At a minimum, I would want to see him arrange his work in such a way that there would be no interactions whatsoever and find a way to prove that to me. Frankly, I would be far more reassured if he showed me his attempts to find another job completely away from the OW. Until that happened, a tracker on his phone, random check-ins whenever I pinged him (with photos of where he was at that moment), and a steady invitation to drop by work at any time to see me or invitations to lunch would be helpful.

How often do you ask him, what can I do for you? How is your day? Are you OK? Do you need or want anything for me? All statements of your willingness and wanting to give him what he needs. Even though you aren't in the same house, does he have complete transparency from you? Does he have all of your passwords, the ability to see who you are calling/texting, what you do on the computer? Does he have copies of your schedules so he knows where you are when you're not at work? Are you sharing with him what you're learning in IC? Have you offered to let him come in and see your IC himself and ask questions if need be? Have you offered to take the children for a day/night so he can specifically do an activity that he enjoys? Do you maybe write about your daily activities, thoughts, hopes, fears, etc., in a journal that you might be able to share with him? Do you apologize to him, very specifically, for things that you have done to hurt him? Multiple times? Have you given him a timeline with every detail on it?

In other words, what have YOU done for him? What can you do for him? If you really want to resume your marriage, you should only have one full-time "job," and that is to provide him with whatever he needs to begin to heal. And if your DDay is the same as your registration date, it is far too early to expect him to be comfortable enough to be in the same house with you, especially if you're working with the OM. It will take the time it takes for him to regain any confidence or trust back you can't rush it, but you can certainly take steps to help it.

isadora posted 7/6/2013 21:38 PM

Thank you Skan for articulating that. My brain is not moving very well tonight.

Mrs Panda posted 7/6/2013 21:45 PM

Only you can decide what is outside your comfort zone.

Honestly, your posts come across as you are just going with the flow. Texting is not the way to win back your BH.
Where's the effort?

How about doing nice things for him....just because?

You really need this job financially? No options? Fine. Start looking for a new job. Hard. Don't be lazy about it. You may think because BH is "ok with it" it's fine. It is not fine, I assure you.

Think of things you think HE would need, and do them.

What is his Love Language?
Be more pro-active. Don't wait on life to happen. Make it happen.

Tren0R201 posted 7/7/2013 07:42 AM

Your husband had no idea what your interactions where with OM before DDay. You still work at the same place, how does he know what your interactions are now? It wanted to stay at the place you worked, even if your husband wanted R, how can he when you're still working with the person you slept with. If it were you in the same position would you stand for it?

Texting and saying hi every once in a while is great, by saying you want your life back seems to me you think you can band aid everything for a quick fix in hopes that you gt things back to what they where. But as you can attest, your husband is having nine of that is he? You're going to have to do a heck of alot more to show him you've really changed.

p.s. You can't keep things strictly professional can you? It's pretending, you can never cut out the tension, sexual or guilt it's there when you're together. What your husband imagines when you're together at work? Who knows, but you're certainly not helping it.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/7/2013 12:37 PM

I know I can't just band aid the situation and fix it....I realize it's not that easy.
I am going to IC and trying to become a better person. I am trying to do what I need to get my M back.
Thank you Skan for the ideas. I have not done some of those things yet but will certainly try them. He hasn't asked for any of those things but I will offer them. He doesn't want a timeline so I haven't done one....our talk about the A has been limited cuz I have been waiting for when he wants to talk about it and don't want to pressure him. I think he is still suppressing a lot and hasn't even dealt with all of his feelings yet.

I work at a preschool and our DD is a student there....me leaving would mean taking her out of her school and away from her friends....not to mention her comfort zone. BH and I are both concerned that she has had so many changes, we don't want to make one more. We also don't pay for childcare as I work there, so that financial aspect also plays a huge role. I have asked BH if he wants me to change jobs and he has said no for the sake of our daughter.

It may seem that I am just going with the flow but that is most definitely not the case.

hatefulnow posted 7/7/2013 19:42 PM

BH here.

First, I'm glad you're here. It's a great first step. What I've read give me the feeling you are just marking time, going with the flow as Mrs. Panda said, just doing the minimum. Maybe not the case, but it seems that way. Scan did give you excellent advice. Follow it as you said you would. It will help.

I'd also like to advise you to do what I call the triple B strategy. Basically what ever you did for or with OM, do it BIGGER,BADDER and BOLDER for you husband. I got this from a guy who tuned me on to this site. It has helped me tremendously. For example, if you took extra care in your appearance for OM, dress to the nines for your husband. If you helped straighten out OM's work area, come over to the house and give it a good cleaning for your husband. If you are still having sex, try some really sexy underwear you bought just for him. Etc. Do a time line and have it ready for him if he wants it. He my have said no, but things change on the roller coaster. Start looking for another job, right away. I know it's a hassle, but you can't have contact with OM. If OM is married, confess to his wife.

Twitchy posted 7/8/2013 12:34 PM

BH here.

I'm with the others who say find another job. BH may say he's "OK" with you staying for your DD's sake, so her life is isn't overly effected.

But how effected is she when you're not home? How effected will she be if you D? Daycare costs are a hassle and will mean a change of lifestyle. Most of us deal with that everyday.

It's time to suck it up, put on your big girl panties and make the hard choices.

My fWW isn't doing the hard work. She's just trying to be nicer to me. More loving. Well that hasn't worked for over 6 years. Until she does the hard stuff, I can't move forward.

ETA: Your thread title says to me your head is in the wrong place. You need to accept your old life is over. Start the work towards building a new life.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 12:51 PM, July 8th (Monday)]

TheClimb posted 7/8/2013 13:19 PM

I think I remember you stating that you worked at a daycare that your daughter also attends and that the OM is a parent who drops off and picks up his child.

Do you feel safe having another co-worker deal with OM? Why can't OM's wife pick up and drop off the child? At least then you would not have to see him.

wifehad5 posted 7/8/2013 13:23 PM

Twitchy,

You are a guest in this forum, and need to posf accordingly.

cliffside posted 7/8/2013 15:04 PM

BS here. How did you conduct your A? Was it all in-person or did you text, email, chat on-line in addition to meeting up? If so, have you given him complete transparency - gps on your phone, total access to your phone, email, and any Internet accounts? If not, and you used any of these methods, offer him the access. Give him the access. Don't say "do you want" say "I'm trying to gain your trust back and I want to give you access to all of my accounts. Here is an email with all of my accounts and their passwords." Tell him you'd like to put a gps app on your phones so he can see where you are at all times. Then tell him you are so sorry and will spend the rest of your life trying to fix this. Call him every day and say "I'm sorry".

In regards to the job, what about this. What if you looked for another job and got yourself to the point of an offer and then told your husband you have the opportunity to work elsewhere. If you put that option in front of him it would be interesting to see if he still said to keep your job there.

And I agree with the above sentiment that your daughter would rather have you at home than keep friends, especially at such a young age. Plus, people change day care and pre-schools all of the time, she may find her friends leaving in the near future.

Have you read "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair"? These may be helpful for you.

Lastly, every single person on this board desperately wants their old life back and so does your husband. But that life is gone forever. We're all mourning the loss of what was and is now gone, never to return. We're all figuring out how to build a new life, whether it be single or in reconciliation. But no, unfortunately you will never get your old life back - even if you move back home.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/8/2013 15:20 PM

Being separated from your DD (and BH) must be awful. ITA with others in saying: aggressively pursue a job at a different daycare "yesterday." No way would my BH agree to R if I were seeing an xAP daily!

Since you and BH agreed to keep your DD in her current daycare, do let him make the final decision, so you don't appear to be circumventing your agreement. But, telling BH that you want to change jobs so you never have to look at the xAP's sorry face ever again, IMO would be a great way to:

really make an effort and prove to him that I am trying

Alyssamd24 posted 7/8/2013 19:18 PM

I do understand what everyone is saying about finding a new job...I know it's something I need to do. I don't see the OM every day....he and his BW alternate dropping off and picking up. And I try to not be in the room when he is there, or if I have to be I make myself busy.

I know I will probably get negative responses to this but will say it anyway.....since D Day I have lost everything.....my home and family, my husband's trust and faith in me, I could go on and on. The OM got off totally free...his BW has no idea of the A or anything, and their life has continued....hell I even get to hear about the new home they are now building and the new baby they are trying to make....part of me (and it probably isn't right) feels that I have lost everything because of the OM (and my own choices) why should I have to lose a job I love and a great program for my daughter also? Like I said I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I do. And for now BH has no problem with it...once he does then I will start looking.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/8/2013 19:22 PM

I am currently reading NOT JUST FRIENDS and am learning quite a bit.
Thank you for the support