but each time she starts leading questions which are going to lead nowhere
How do you know they won't lead anywhere? If she's asking, then there's a need inside her to hear an answer. Your opinion of where it will lead, or that it won't lead anywhere, is just that, your opinion. That doesn't mean that your BW shouldn't be able to ask the questions, or that there isn't some need in her to discuss it. Not your choice to make.
since trying to defend myself (even on the few questions where I know I am right and she is wrong) is a bad idea
I don't think defending yourself is an option either. Any defense you try to make regarding your infidelity is just taking away from what might have been built over the last couple years. Drop your defenses. If you disagree with something she is saying, then reflect on it, acknowledge it, validate it and give it time in your own head. Don't defend. And, if you don't mind my asking, what do you think you're right about? Why should your BW believe what you think is right?
and if I say sorry or appologise in anyway, all I get is a "not accepted".
And as long as you are apologizing while you're trying to defend yourself, you will probably keep getting that same answer.
This whole defense thing is pretty troubling, as you've described it. I think you have to surrender yourself here. That doesn't mean allowing yourself to get trampled, or admitting to things that didn't happen, or sticking around in a loveless M. It means that you just need to stop and realize that maybe when you think you're right, you aren't. It means giving up what you think you know to recognize that your BW has as strong of opinions about what she thinks she knows. How can you dismiss what your BW think she knows? How can you defend yourself when your BS needs to work through this process on her own terms, not yours?
Everything comes back to you. While reading per her request is great, you've obviously seen that reading is going to lead to conversation, which can apparently lead to you sleeping on the couch. The conversation isn't the issue really, but how you view your "take" on whatever it is you're discussing. Think about it...why is your BW wrong? Why are you right? Will everyone side with you? Why is it important for you to be right?
I guess what I'm trying to say, and this is just a gut feeling because there isn't a lot of detail regarding the argument, but you need to realize that even two years down the road, if you're feeling the need to be right, and you are making assumptions that your BW's questions are going to lead nowhere, then maybe you should step back and think about why she is still in this place? Why doesn't she see it your way? I think that at times like this, you need to realize that maybe you are the one who isn't giving your BW what she needs. And until you give your wife what she needs, you are going to keep drawing out this process and spending more nights in separate rooms.
Think about your own part in all this.
[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 7:28 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]