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I don't really know what to think about it. I can remember what happened on DD#1 and #2 without it crippling me. The night he looked me in the eyes and swore that he had told me everything (several months after DD#1) still hurts, but much less than before.

Time and distance takes the sting out of those memories. None of this hurts with the same intensity as those first few months.

I still get pissed off at the memories but in the early days I had the first of three panic attacks of my life over it. All 3 were in those first 6m after DD.

I much prefer being pissed off - I'm going to like full-detachment even more.

I have two d-days. The second one, the one that I kicked him out that night. I knew something was deeply wrong, but he was gaslighting me and that d-day was actually freeing. It made me know that it wasn't me. That I wasn't crazy. That one I get past easier.

The first one, the night before halloween, I've always taken harder. That was the one I didn't expect, the one that threw my world upside down.

My first DD was the one that shocked me. By my second I had a feeling that he was lying and there was more.

The shock of the first and the extent of his betrayal on the second (found out his first story was completely fabricated to gaslight so I wouldn't find out about 5 OW, one of whom was current) were very different but both extremely painful.

I am surprised I can think about them with no tears, only slight discomfort, sadness, and pity at what he wanted to turn himself into.