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180 is so hard... I need to stay strong.

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hangingontohope7 posted 7/6/2013 19:31 PM

So, its been a week since DDay 2. (STBX)WH is still insisting that we get a divorce. I've flip-flopped back and forth. One minute I'm relieved, the next I want my life back. I've barely seen him since I packed the kids up and left. But we have worked out a temp arrangement so that our sons can see him. They are only 5 and 7. And, obviously they miss their dad. He has been calling them every night before bedtime. The first few times, I cried, screamed, even begged for him to really think about what he is doing to our family. But, he keeps insisting that its for the best, that I will never be able to forgive him, that I will be better off without him.... blah blah blah. So, for the past two nights, I have said nothing.

Tonight he calls, talks to them and DS7 hands me back the phone. He says, "I tried calling early and didn't get an answer." Um... sorry. I was busy. I didn't even hear my phone ring. The set time was 8pm. I can't put my life on hold because you called at 7:15pm. Then he starts bitching about work this, work that. Guess what? Go bitch to your girlfriend! I'm sure she is working with you right now! I literally say nothing. Finally, he must have gotten the point that I wasn't going to respond. So, he says, "Okay, well, I will call you about picking them up tomorrow." All I could say was, "Okay. Bye." And I hung up.

Its killing me to have to be like this but he can't have it both ways. And, its too fresh for me to act nice to him. He is lucky I'm answering him at all. The only reason I'm being civil is because of those kids!

Why did he have to do this... again!? I will never understand. And I feel so pathetic that part of me is hoping that he will change his mind and come back. I know... its just part of the rollercoaster ride. I've been on this crazy ride before. But, the last time, I had his support. He wanted things to work out or atleast he said he did. This time he is choosing the OW over me and our sons. I have to 180 him. For my own sanity. Unless it deals with the boys, I can't be dragged back in.

[This message edited by hangingontohope7 at 7:35 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

haysuth01 posted 7/6/2013 19:42 PM

You can do it! And from what I've read here, everyone falls off the wagon from time to time, so don't beat yourself up over it if you do- Just climb back on. You're doing a great job!

devistatedmom posted 7/6/2013 19:52 PM

It's not something you can understand hangingontohope. It's not something we could ever even think of doing to our kids.

You are doing the right thing. No, you can't just stay put in case he "might" call early. No, you don't want to talk to him about his life. The 180 is your friend.

Get your pat answers set in your head.

That is no longer your concern (when he tries to tell you how to do something)

This is what divorce looks like. This is what you wanted.

I don't wish to discuss that.

F YOU! (but keep that one in your head)

Keep going. You can make it.

jimbo25319 posted 7/6/2013 23:06 PM

It's scary because in most respects it seems you and I are living the same nightmare. Only difference is I'm not leaving my home, and have to coexist with the WW.
She, like your WH, have truly lost her mind.

Blackhair posted 7/7/2013 00:01 AM

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but you are not alone.
Be strong you can do it!

Three months ago we were a happy family, we just had twin boys of 9 months old. Now he wants to be with this girl, 20 yrs younger after chatting for two months, abandon his kids and 10 yrs marriage, Nobody will never understand Why!!!

But guess what? His loss, one day he will wake up and regretted what he had done to his children! Or die alone by himself as the girl won't stay with the old man forever!

We do not deserve the crap, we deserve way better.

newlysingle posted 7/7/2013 00:22 AM

I'm about 4 months out from DDay and my divorce should be final soon. I'm in a much better place now, but I still have setbacks. I had one today after having lunch with MIL. You're on a horrible roller coaster that you never wanted to ride. My STBX also walked away from our marriage and two small children without a second thought. We were discarded like yesterday's trash.

Is there any way to cut back the contact with him a bit? I think having him call nightly us just too much at this time. How about every other night or something? You need a mental break from having to hear him or deal with him in any way. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and just know that you are not alone. We are here for you, so please rage and vent here all you want. Keep up the 180 and NC other than kids and finances. The pain will dull over time.

Blackhair posted 7/7/2013 01:15 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Blackhair at 1:16 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

crazynot posted 7/7/2013 02:50 AM

That's exactly what happened to me, and I completely understand the pain. In my case, there were 24 years between the two D-days and our kids were 14 and 18. Four years from that D-day, he is still with OW. He let me live in the marital home, which I did until my son finished his A levels, then we moved 65 miles away. I have a new home, new friends, a fantastic new job and even a love life. It took months to feel ok after d-day 2, but once I did, I never looked back. I am at peace with what happened, and am writing to let you know it's not the end of your story or your happiness. Wishing you strength xx

persevere posted 7/7/2013 03:25 AM

Stick to the standards:
I'm sorry you feel that way
That is no longer my concern
(Per HIs choices)
This is part of divorce - which you wanted

Keep it up!

laney57 posted 7/7/2013 09:24 AM

I'm with you too :( I did this just a few days ago, WH was back to himself the next day. It's heartbreaking!! F**cker!!! Get back on the wagon. We can do this! Hugs

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